Life After Dating A Silicon Valley Bachelor
You don't get to the point where you write a book about galavanting across the world, without breaking some hearts and leaving a trail of tears in your path. And that's just me. Women just can't accept a clingy guy for some reason. I thought we were past the point of Tom Selleck/Burt Reynolds/Clint Eastwood tough guys, and onto a new generation of Ryan Seacrest/Rachel Ray-watching, day spa-going, chest waxing, tissue box-hoarding-during-The Notebook-type guys. I guess not. I like to smother my women with lots of cuddling and crying through the night. I think I start to weird the women out when I beat them to laying on their chest, before they can lay on mine.
Here's the good news for all the women who have dated me. They can expect to have all their dreams fulfilled shortly afterwards. As in marriage. (Well.... not the ones who have one-night stands with me. Those ones are probably destined for a life of futility, as their willingness to have a one-night stand with me has shown a severe lack in judgement, and low standards in life.) I am probably still Facebook friends with about 85% of the women I have dated. And like any good ex, I like to stalk their lives to see how they're doing in the dating world.
I genuinely want the girls who've dated me to find happiness. We all can come to agreement that they've suffered long enough. While it's a long-shot that they'll find someone as outrageously handsome as I am, I guess there's other traits that might make another guy a better suitor and life partner. I GUESS if your definition of upgrading is a guy with a job, a sense of responsibility, fine moral values, who wakes up before 3pm, and doesn't honk at young pedestrians to hurry their "asses" up at a crosswalk an "upgrade," well so be it.
While the vast majority of women I date end up with guys that are far less good-looking than me (which is the only thing that matters), some ended up with really handsome chaps. It's kind of a double-edged sword. With the ones that I perceived to be inferior, I'm like, "HAH! What a chump." Then I walk around smug and content all day. But I also get sad that my dating them was not validated by them ending up with a stallion. Like, was she not hot enough for a better-looking guy?!? Then again, for the girls who ended up with the blokes who were rugged and handsome, I start to kick myself and think, "Damn. I had that girl. I should've held on." Those are the girls that I never stalk on Facebook again, unless I want to get depressed.
And there, in a nutshell, is the life of a shallow simpleton.
Regardless of looks, almost all end up with their future marriage partner next.
For the girls who ended up with guys that I perceive as "losers," it reminds me of a quote from Ocean's Eleven when George Clooney is trying to get Julia Roberts back and he asks, "Does he make you laugh?" And Julia Roberts responds, "he doesn't make me cry."
Ain't that the truth. I can probably make a girl laugh with the best of them... and that's just in bed, but, like Pitbull said, "I can't promise tomorrow, but I can promise tonight."
And so it goes...
The Good Luck Chuck,