Guest Post: The Joys and Perils of Picking Up Girls When Sober

SVB Foreword:

I have to commend my friend, Dave, for quitting alcohol. It's a bold move and I'm happy for him. I once tried to see how long I could go without alcohol - it lasted 7 days. I wrote about it here. When I found out Dave quit alcohol, and subsequently lost 20 lbs, my first reaction was, "how does that affect picking up on girls?!?! Where else can you possibly meet a quality girl without going to a bar!??!" The thought of NOT meeting a girl at a bar seems absolutely ridiculous. So, I asked Dave to write me a guest post, and since he no longer is sh*t-faced wasted all the time, he wrote it and sent it the next day! That is the quickest turnaround I've ever had for a guest writer. You are the best, Dave! Here is his life without alcohol. It's truly fascinating.

Recently I made some drastic changes to my life. Call it growing up, call it getting old, call it what you will.. But either way my lifestyle has done a 180 in terms of alcohol consumption, health, and outlook. I’ll leave out the part that when I drink I blackout and do some extremely moronic things and just focus on the good reasons of why I quit drinking.

So that leads us to the obvious question, of how in the world do you not drink and have any chance of a normal dating life? Believe me that is an excellent question and being that I have been single for a couple years, and hooking up at bars was sort of my thing, it was a scary thing to figure out. But now being sober for a while and looking back I realize that being sober has a good amount of Pros and Cons and it’s my intention to point them out as they may either inspire some to try this sober lifestyle or reaffirm that they will never want to try the sober lifestyle. Either way I hope you enjoy the perspective and understand it's being written by someone that has experienced more drunken party nights than anyone should in their lifetime and is recently sober. So, as unbiased as I hope to be, I am certain it will come across like I’m some reborn sober panty-dropping miracle worker but if it didn’t it wouldn’t be as entertaining to read.. or write.. for.. well, me.

So since most people are pessimistic by nature and are most likely already making a mental list of the cons to sober dating, I will begin there, with the cons.

1). Hot 21yr olds want nothing to do with you – It’s true! Let’s face it we all know that the hot 21 yr old piece of ass that you want to land - just to be able to torture your friends with every explicit detail of her amazing flawless body the next day - is only after two things.. the appearance of a guy with a ton of money, and that guy to buy her and her friends shot after shot all night. So, although any guy can look like he has money while racking up a tab on his credit card all night only to report that card stolen the next morning, that type of reckless behavior sounds a lot less tempting when sober. And let’s face it, there’s no way to not look creepy buying rounds and rounds of shots to a bunch of young girls while you sit there sipping water. I don’t think it takes much explaining why that looks creepy but let’s be honest, if it worked I’d do it, but it doesn’t.

2). You’re way more picky – Every guy reading this is already thinking about the 200lb girl he gladly went home with when intoxicated and when reamed by his friends the next morning, pretended he was in anguish about the situation, secretly loving the fact that he banged a heifer. Let’s face it, it’s kind of an unspoken game with guys that when you’re really faded to a point of hooking up with a fatty you almost certainly will. The sad part is that guys secretly love this game and as a sober person you are left standing on the sidelines as Mr. happy down there isn’t going to stand at attention without some sort of alcoholic encouragement. So hang up your bull riding saddle cause you’re only going after hotties when you’re stoned sober.

3). Less likely to wait around for closing time – I can’t tell you how many times since I’ve been sober that I’ve had intentions of staying out all night like the days of when I’d drink till dawn, but your attention span or just energy level in general is not the same without all the alcohol coursing through your veins. So you tend to be much more judgmental of your surroundings, whereas when drunk hanging with 3 mediocre girls and 5 of your buddies - all trying to win their affection - is tolerable, it's just not the same when sober. So this leads to many nights conceding to your completely inebriated friends, allowing them to scrape the bottom of the barrel in your place and wait it out till last call to take home one of the girls that would’ve surely been yours. So point in case, the equation here is Quantity of Alcohol x Hotness of Girl = How much time you will put in to close the deal. So when Alcohol is gone from the equation, Hotness is the only factor in how much time you’re willing to stand around and listen to her talk about her cat named Princess.

4). You don’t mind saying some of the things that will get you in trouble – Let’s face it, women love assholes. No one really understands why women like a guy who will tell them they are unattractive or will turn a cold shoulder to their likely advances but it plain and simply works. Or at least works on the type of girl that will go home with you the same night you meet at a bar. So when you’re sober you're much less likely to say mean things or even think those things let alone have the courage to say something like “I like those pants on you but we should work out together cause I could get you in amazing shape”. Subtle, but mean as hell. Girls don’t realize that most guys age 25 and older have mastered this game and use it to their advantage to score when intoxicated.

So I know there’s many more cons to not drinking and could probably go on and on but I think most guys would agree the above four mentioned are the most important. I have to admit that when I first decided to go sober I couldn’t even remember the last time I had hooked up with a girl for the first time without being intoxicated. The thought of it was somewhat nerve racking and until you try it, it’s somewhat scary. It’s amazing how when you’ve had a couple drinks it’s so easy to lean in for the kiss and how awkward that same scenario feels when sober. But I have to admit that once I had done it once it got a lot less scary and actually really enjoyable. So that leads us to the Pros of trying to pick up girls when sober.

1). You won’t say some of the things that will get you in trouble – You are less likely to meet a slut that likes to be talked down to because of issues stemming from not receiving enough attention from her Father, or too much attention from her Step-Father. But that is a good thing. I have never been in a successful relationship that stemmed from meeting one of these types of girls and the only reason I bring it up is because, believe me, until you make the mistake of dating one of these girls you can only then truly understand the benefit to not being the asshole and attracting this type at a bar. And I know this post is about picking up girls but let's face it, relationships start from this scenario and everyone is guilty of it. Point in case, if you don’t act like an asshole you don’t end up with the Crazies.

2). You meet women in new places – When you’re not drinking you tend to stay home more and do other things outside of going to bars. For instance you might start banging the chick from your dodge ball team that you joined as an alternative to going to bars on a Tuesday night. Or you might join a gym and meet some hotties there that are on their way to getting even hotter rather than deteriorating over time from the added calories and physical effects of booze. Or you might join E-Harmony or and meet some girls that are in the same boat as you and don’t want to party their ass off every night of the week on your dime. This leads us to point number 3.

3). You save a ton of money – The amount of money you save from not drinking is incredible and until you do it for an extended amount of time you do not realize how much of your life is spent working to pay for your bar tabs. And girls that don’t drink are usually into healthy FREE activities, like going for a hike or going to the beach. And believe it or not telling girls when you’re at the bar that you don’t drink anymore can sometimes work to your benefit as you start to look much more responsible, stable and attractive to girls who are looking for the long term relationship type guys.

4).You’re game is on point – Now I have definitely saved the best for last with this one. I cannot tell you how many times I have started out talking it up with a girl and having an incredible good time only to take that one last drink or shot that seemed to turn me into a bumbling idiot faster than I could drink the last sip. It’s like game kryptonite when you get to this point. No attempt to cover up your sudden onslaught of slurring can be successful when you can no longer remember the nature of your sentence when you're halfway through it. And nothing is more unattractive to a girl who knows you’re at that point and can no longer participate in her discussion of how her cat looks in its pajamas. So all your effort, time and money spent is shot. When you’re sober this never happens! It’s actually quite the opposite; instead, you start to pick up on the girl’s level of intoxication. You can be cold and calculated and it's very easy to know when they are getting somewhat flighty and have had enough to drink to make poor decisions. This is the time to act! So you say something like, “you’re so gorgeous I just want to take you home and kiss you all over”… And somehow, despite the worst line ever, she agrees. It’s like magic. And I’m telling you once you’ve perfected this technique it works 80% of the time, every time..

So as you can see there are some added benefits about being sober at bars but I admit it does take a special type of person to be able to pull it off. And I can tell you right now, you will get much much more ass if you drink. But it goes back to the question of which one is better… Quantity or Quality? To each their own and I won’t try to convince you of which is better, as it’s definitely a personal choice, but hope you can take something from this to help you decide.


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