How To Be An Author: My Rise to the Upper Class

Now that we've reached the point where people have moved from, "Congratulations on the book! I'm so happy for you!" to "Okay, okay, so you have a book. I get it. Will you shut up now!?!?" That's not enough for me. I'd like to get to the point where people de-friend me on Facebook because I'm absolutely obnoxious and fill up everyone's newsfeeds with status updates asking people whether they've bought my book yet. Well. Have you?!?!

It really makes no difference as I have no need for friends now. I am a party of one. And my voice captivates that party of one. Allow me to share my new glamour shots in the wake of my new book and higher standing in society.

I remind myself of an Asian Tom Selleck or Burt Reynolds. Now that those two have been out of the spotlight for quite some time, this world needs a new hero. A new, younger, mustached hero. Someone who can give mustache rides for all. In case you're wondering, yes, my fireplace resides in my TV. No need to buy logs or matches.

Here is my typical morning routine. And afternoon. And evening. I like to point at myself in a way that needs no words for explanation. "You, my friend, are one debilitatingly good-looking intellectual. Say, why don't we set a mustache ride for one later this evening?"

Here I am laughing at the funniest book I have ever read in my life. This is my 1,227th time reading this book (in the last week). It gets me EVERY time! I keep a journal on things that I find that are funny in the book during each reading. If the photo-taker had panned down just a smidgen, you would've seen that I had quite an enormous boner during this picture.

I'd like to think of myself as a blend between Ron Burgundy, Diego Rivera, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, and Zoolander. Yes, I know that two of those people mentioned are fictional, but that's how unreal I hold myself comparatively to others. I could not find a living example of my greatness.

Well, I could go on about myself, but my mirror awaits. In the meantime, I highly recommend you increase blood flow to your loins through "Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World". There is nothing quite like getting a boner through intellectual reading. The last time I felt that way was when I read "Where the Sidewalk Ends". I recommend you check out the reviews of the book on Amazon here if you are confused about the sensations running through your body and why you have an intense desire to sleep with me... or bludgeon me to death. Both are the top two feelings most-often associated when people think of me.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Author

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