Excerpts From the Best Bachelor Book in the World!

Now that I'm an "author" not much has changed for me. Take for instance the other day when my Dad asked me to go work on the roof (again), and I was like, "I'm a F*CKING AUTHOR NOW!!! AUTHORS DON'T WORK ON ROOFS! That's for day laborers!!! Authors sit around in front of fireplaces, wearing turtleneck sweaters, smoking pipes, and discussing major issues of the world while using large vocabulary!!! Many people would say I carry around a certain verisimilitude. See!?!?" 

Needless to say, I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening working on that d*mn roof! I got tar all over my hands!!! AND I had to wash it off with gasoline! I asked my Dad how he found out that gasoline is used to get tar off of skin. He told me that everyone knows that, as if I were a dummy. And I was like, "well, I'm not everyone. I'm an author! Authors don't know that SH*T!!!"

I'm now grounded.

What!?!? Plenty of people in their 30s get grounded. It's only for a month - I'll be okay. So, as you can see, not much has changed for me. In the meantime, have you bought my d*mn book yet? I've been writing for you kaka heads for free for years now! The least you can do is buy my book so there won't be any awkward moments when I straight up ask you, "have you bought my book yet?"

Here is an excerpt from the book, Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World, titled, Top 5 Knockout Sex:

Everyone remembers their most amazing sexual experiences. Some were enhanced because you loved the person, or in my case, you came out of a blacked-out state to find yourself having sex with some strange woman you've never met and were thrilled that you would actually remember the encounter. You'll always remember that time you first had sex in your car on a public street (maybe not to whom, but you remember the thrill of it). You'll always remember that first naked frolic in the ocean against the backdrop of a moonlit night (or quite possibly the secretiveness of it in the daytime with hundreds of people in the vicinity). You'll always remember that dressing room hookup, the bathroom rush job, the coat room at the club, the after hours in the restaurant kitchen, or the time you were sober. But mostly, as a guy, you remember the times when you were a stallion.

She'll remember too.

I remember my friend used to call up this hot girl every once in awhile when we went into the city to party and she would be clamoring to meet up with him. Even if it were AFTER the clubs. What self-respecting girl would desperately put herself out there like that?!? My friend explained it to me this way, he said that he was in a zone when they had sex and his sexual performance was in the Top 5 of his life. I didn't ask anymore questions, as my friend's sexual prowess meant that I got to meet many of the girl's friends at 2am. He was my best friend. Then he got married. Now he is dead to me.

Most of my sexual performances all compete for the Bottom 5 of all my encounters. It's getting to be a tight squeeze down there, with all the competition and sheer number of possibilities. Of the few highlights, one of them happened in Las Vegas. I, literally, came out of blackout, naked in bed......

Welp, if you want to find out how the rest of that story ends, I guess you'll just have to buy the book. You can't get the milk for free when the cow's laying in your bed. Wait. That's not right. Why buy the cow when you got a bottle of milk in the fridge. No. That's wrong too. You could stick your head up a cow's ass, but wouldn't you rather take my word for it?

I give up.

Hurry and click on the link below to buy my book, I don't know how much longer my frail hands will last on that bitter, brutal rooftop.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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