Why You Should Check Out Girls AND Guys at The Bar

Girls in Silicon Valley, long ago realized they could walk into most bars and clubs as if they were the second coming of Sofia Vergara. They knew that their female competition would be neither fierce or plentiful, elevating them to the role of a "49er" - a four who acts like a nine. I hate these girls. I see them shoot down nice guys and then immediately interrupt them so that they think I'm hitting on them, only to use this interruption to scoot into their space in the bar and turn my back on them. Then I like to talk loudly into my phone about how "there's not ONE, even MILDLY attractive girl in this bar" and how "I'd rather masturbate to a picture of Rosie O'Donnell than take home any of these office punchlines."

This makes me feel better about myself. It will one day be included in my inspirational book, "Berating Others On Your Way to a Life of Happiness" (only available on paperback and audio cassette tape).

As a prolific "approacher," I have spent my life checking out the girls. But I bet you didn't know that I also check out the guys. I mean, I don't undress them with my imagination, linger too long, or stare longingly into their eyes, but I do a quick once-over that's fast enough to figure out everything I need to know. It's important. You should check to see how good-looking the guys are, how aggressive they seem, whether they dance, and then allot your confidence accordingly. You shouldn't immediately cut bait and hop to the next bar when seeing a 10 guy to 1 girl ratio. Sometimes a place is filled with dweebs, wall-flowers, hipsters, or so many unattractive guys, that the few girls in the establishment have been waiting for a decent guy like you to show up.

If the place is filled with nerds, YOU be the aggressor. If the place is filled with douchebags, YOU be the one with a future. If the place is filled with wall flowers, YOU be the one unafraid of dancing on the dance floor.

While not everyone is born confident, you can learn by tricking yourself. I assume every girl in the club is staring at me. While they are probably staring at how I'm still standing, or asking themselves why I have a wet, urine-like stain around my crotch area, or why my shirt is ten sizes too small, I chalk it up as a win. I think of myself as Daniel Craig when he shirtlessly rises out of the ocean in Casino Royale and immediately wins over the lonely Middle-Eastern girl staring out from her balcony. Or, I think of myself as Luke Perry in 90210, scrunching my forehead into a sexy, wrinkled mess as I give the ladies a look of 'you don't know what I'm thinking, but you should want to f*ck the sh*t out of me'. As you can see, I have a tireless imagination. I even sometimes imagine that I'm Ariel in Little Mermaid, combing a dinglehopper through my hair.

Sizing up the competition doesn't just apply to bars and clubs, it can also apply to cities and countries. Having just counted on my fingers how many countries I've now visited - 24 - (later you'll see how I didn't have to mention that number, but I wanted to work in a way to humbly brag about myself and exploits #humblebrag) I've found that many unattractive guys have used this tactic to figure out where they will find their future wife. I have seen UGLY foreigners with girls in third-world countries that would be DIMES in Silicon Valley. These uglies have gone from their first-world confines where they couldn't compete with good-looking guys and taken up residence in third-world countries with minimal competition, like Peru (Joran Van Der Sloot anyone?) or Thailand (ugly balding fat guys anyone?).

I'm not saying move to Bolivia, but just because a bar or area has a hampering ratio doesn't mean all hope is lost. Sometimes it can work in your favor. Tips I've told you from the past - confidence, learning to dance, short-term memory, and major alcohol consumption is still important in winning over girls, but checking out what you're up against can give you an extra leg up on strategy and confidence.

So next time someone says to you, "look at the buns on that one!" You tell him with the utmost confidence, "yeah, he must work out."

Kevin L.

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