The Lingering Ex: Why They Should Go to Hell

I consider myself a rather reputable person... well.... when alcohol is not running through my veins. Which... I guess means that I'm an asshole almost all of the time.

Holy sh*t.

Well, whatever. Nothing I can do about that now. What matters now, is that there is no alcohol in my system as I write this. I am thinking with a clear head - massively hungover, but clear. This post is about inconsiderate exes. I hate these guys AND gals. You know who I'm talking about. We've all been there at some point or another. You get broken up with, but the other side does JUST enough to keep you hanging on. The late night calls. The momentary lapses of vulnerability. The occasional email. The Facebook poke. Really, what it is is that person being a complete DICK, and make no mistake, they are doing it for SELFISH reasons - not because they really want to be back with you.

What these occasional hookups and interactions do, is keep you one step further from recovering. That's why, as much as I want to maintain sexual relations with someone after I break up with them, I do everything in my power to NOT reach out to an ex, because I care for that person's feelings. See how good of a person I am!?!? Too bad everyone else is not that way. I remember the last time I was broken up with (only 4 times in my life: 8th grade - thanks Raquel, 11th grade - thanks Sasha, Soph year of college - thanks Steph, and 7 years ago - thanks, we'll just call her B*tch, because she may read my blog) and the situation was one of the most selfish things anyone has EVER done to me. I was devastated, to say the least. But I acted like I was okay with it. In fact, when it happened, I rather unceremoniously and judiciously stated: "if that's how you feel, you've got to do what's right for you."

I'm a firm believer that you don't "talk" your way back into someone's heart. I rest on my laurels... and drunk, erratic, borderline psychotic behavior. Moving on, B*tch and I had planned a trip to a beach destination and we decided that our desire to be on a beach, trumped our desire to want to punch each other in the faces. On this trip, we happily mimicked a healthy couple. One day, while watching the sunset - we had an open, heartfelt discussion. She began to cry and asked why I hadn't shed any tears or acted like I cared over the ending of our relationship. I told her that, of course I cared, but what good would it do for me to cry in public, as opposed to into my pillowcase every night before going to bed? She said it mattered to her, to see that I cared. She made it seem like it would make all the difference. So, right then and there, we cried together. It was real, genuine, and honest. Well, except for the fact it was all self-serving to her. She wanted to see that I cared, pouring out my soul, and allowing myself to be painfully vulnerable. But when we got back to town, it didn't change anything. She just wanted to know that she mattered - setting me back weeks, if not months, in recovery.

What a selfish bitch.

Make no mistake - I'm not bitter. She was horrible for me. Looking back, it was great in hindsight. I might've spent years continuing to date someone whose insecurity bred the same in me.

So if you're doing the breaking up - make it a clean break. Don't be a dick. If you have any ounce of goodness or ever cared for that person, why would you want them to suffer? Let them move on with their lives. God, there are so many girls I hurt so badly that I would like to still be friends with, but I know it's not in their best interests. It hurts me so much to hurt someone. And if you're the one being broken up with? Do us all a favor when that person says they need some "time away" to think about things - give them the finger and tell them to "f*ck off" - because you won't be there waiting for them.

Kevin L.

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  1. Kevin, lovey... I have to say I disagree with some of this... not the stringing-someone-along-stuff... just the last part, about needing time away. Sometimes it is good to have space and time to reconnect to yourself. I'm not talking about taking time away to go to Cancun with your friends... but space to find yourself again. Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself with someone you love so much. But it's important to maintain that sense of individuality, because relationships involve reciprocity... we can give more when we have a firm grip on who we are <3...

  2. nice post by svb and comment by mistyrain

  3. Hi Mistyrain - I wholeheartedly believe in the importance of spending time with yourself, but I don't think it should be something that causes your loved one anguish, in the form of "I need some time to think about things. Figure out who I am." That kind of stuff really toys with someone's emotions. If anything, that's a flaw in the relationship if someone feels they need time apart. I actually can really relate, because as much as I'm a social being, I'm equally independent and needing of time alone.

    If you need to spend 1-2 weeks away periodically, I think you need a very understanding lover who gets that about you at an early stage. If that's not understood from the outset, asking someone for a "break" is going to lead them to a lot of insecurity and sleepless nights.

  4. Talk about "time off" is BS. Hairsplitting about emotions is crap. Move on, suck on a new di*ck or lick a fresh pus*sy.


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