How Much Weight Are You Allowed to Gain After Marriage?

The other day, I was having another pleasant Friday evening eating at the local Fresh Choice, eagerly deciding on whether my next bite of food should be of the baked potato, clam chowder, salad, pizza, or pasta. Decisions, decisions! I like to have them all laid out on the table in front of me so I can cycle through the different choices with each bite!!! Yay!!! After shoveling a bite of baked potato into my mouth, I looked up to see a family of four - the two kids were probably 6 and 8. The dad was a lean, fit guy - relatively good-looking - but the mom had, by all means, let it go. Her hair was pulled back, not for style, but because of laziness; she had on glasses, not stylish ones, but the reading kind that old people wear; No makeup, and her pants could've doubled for sweat pants or cargo pants, couldn't really tell. She had put on considerable weight, that belied her skinny person face.

What struck me the most during the evening while watching them, as I ate my food with child-like fervor, was the amount on disinterest between the wife and husband. I couldn't help but think, this guy probably didn't marry this person the way she looks now. Does he show her no interest - they hardly said a word - because of how she presents herself now? Maybe it was an off-night... It WAS Fresh Choice on a Friday evening, but it also got me thinking - don't we owe our significant others an amount of commitment to our bodies, to maintain that same level of attractiveness during the courtship!?!? Maybe love does trump all, and romantic movies do teach us it's what's on the inside that counts, but I am on the side that says you must stay in shape after marriage.

I want to maintain a lifelong "physical" attraction to my mate, even when the rigors of aging have curbed my sexual urge for three minutes of desired sexual activity a day, to three minutes a week. But it's also about maintaining a healthy lifestyle so that, as a couple, we are still free to do, and have the energy, to be active, go for hikes, ride bikes, body surf, traverse across new foreign lands, and do upside down keg stands. Now, this is not an attack on people who are overweight, some people are just built that way. Plenty of people who are overweight get married - this is more about who you marry from the outset and what happens after. And, don't forget, guys are just as guilty with that bowling-ball, beer belly, leaking over their pants and hidden behind that free-flowing hawaiian shirt. Girls have to tax their bodies and endure child-birth, while guys have no excuses.

My friend and I were discussing this - his girlfriend has gained about 15 pounds since they started dating - and he didn't like the fact that he can't tell her to lose weight. He does, actually, but it doesn't go over well. Is that not a part of an open relationship? Sure, as men, we are taught to always tell a women that she doesn't look "fat in those jeans," but when is being dishonest a detriment to the relationship? How long do you go bottling up the resentment that your significant other is packing on the pounds, while you are still committed to staying in shape and looking good for your partner? Is this the type of dishonesty that leads guys and girls to get divorced, "out of the blue," because there was never an open line of communication or honesty?

I think our childhood upbringing does us a bit of disservice. Being taught to "finish everything on your plate" leads to bad habits in our adult life. We live in a culture that over-serves and overfeeds in every restaurant and fast-food chain. The childhood-formed habit of eating everything on our plates has made America the most obese nation in the world. A lot of people ask me how I stay thin with the way I eat - which is sometimes downright disgusting. It's really not about exercise - which I pursue actively - or about eating right - which I pursue passively - but, more about portion control. I eat out a lot, but I have exercised considerable restraint to save that last 1/4 of my Chipotle Burrito for later, or not getting fries with my burger, or never drinking soda (unless it's with whiskey).

You know how that one Slim-Fast commercial goes, "a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, then I eat whatever I want for dinner"? No!!! Eat whatever you want, just cut the portions by 1/4 and then a 1/3! I know it's hard - trust me - I love to eat, but just cut it off before, or serve yourself less on the plate, and pack it away. I see people who come into the gym, who are overweight, and they stay around for a few weeks and never come back. I'm pretty sure it's because they're not seeing much of a change. The problem is that they think they are going to lose weight just by getting into the gym. It might help a little, but you can't continue to eat the same foods in the same quantities and see much of a difference.

So, please, I may not be Richard Simmons or Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I do care about how your naked body looks to your lover - and for me peeping in from that tree branch outside your window - and I want you to look good. Remember, don't force your future kids to eat everything on their plate especially if it's eggplant. You hear me, Ma!?? I'll sit at this table for two hours and not eat that stupid eggplant. We'll see who wins!!! Anyhow, forcing your kids to eat everything on their plate is old school and doesn't fit with American portions and food-fattiness. Also, control your portions, and you can avoid eating healthy or exercising. When you die a sudden death during intercouse, people will be dumbfounded:

Friend: "But Kevin looked so skinny and healthy!"

Doctor: "But his insides looked like shit... medically-speaking. His arteries were that of a fat man trying to break free. On another note, his heart was much smaller than normal. I don't think he ever learned to read or was loved."

Friend: "HAhahahahahaahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahhahahaaha, he WAS a little bitch, wasn't he?!?!"

Once you decrease your portions consistently enough, your stomach will shrink and need less to be satisfied. This is similar to what I tell the ladies I date - "just keep reducing your expectations and you'll grow to love me."

Kevin L.
The SVB(itch)

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  1. Hey I go to Fresh Choice (Souplantation) on Friday nights with my husband with my hair in a ponytail, no makeup and sweats!! And I too have put on a few LB's since marriage. I think I'm still the bees knees in the eyes of my husband. I make sweats and ponytails look good! Right?

  2. I LOVE Fresh Choice. And who are you kidding?!? You're never going to be fat. And even if you did gain a few LBs - remember - you've always had that winning personality! Show them the happy hands!

  3. You had me at Souplantation. Being happy and healthy is tough for most of us. The trick is having that supportive relationship/marriage that understand when you slip and works with you to be stronger, fitter and sexier. Im grateful Ive got one :)

  4. It's true. I have NEVER told someone they need to lose weight, preferring to lead by example. Although, most of my examples should not be followed. Like, sleeping until 2pm, drinking until blackout, cursing at school children, encouraging riots during family events...

  5. I think it's good for guys to tell their wives to keep it together. (And vice versa ladies!) A few strategies as tactfulness is key here! These are taken from my own husband...

    Tactic 1: Always enter the conversation under the guise of good health and spending time together: (Husband) "Ashley, lets get some good cardio in by going on a hike this weekend...'

    Tactic 2: Slyly implant self-consciousness by inferring that other _women_ are going to judge you on how you look. This is key! The guy has to pretend that _he_ does not care, its how your _mom_, _sister_, _girlfriends_ are going to see you. (Me, sporting yoga pants that are stretched out and ripped at the bottom) (Husband, knowing full well that I'm planning on waring said yoga pants) 'Do you have enough time to get dressed before your lunch with Jenn?'

    Tactic 3: Say whatever the f you want to say but pretend it's a joke: (Me) 'I think I'm going to cut my hair short, the baby pulls on it all the time.' (Husband) 'Great, the free fall into the mom-look begins. Ha ha just kidding! Yeah whatever you want to do.' (Me... still with long hair)

  6. HAHAHHAHAHAHA, that is awesome. Great advice. Thanks!

  7. Don't thank me, thank Ben!

    Oh and sorry for littering your comments page with lots of underscores! I was using css text styles not html tags. I don't know what I was thinking! I'm a sleep-deprived mom. But, a relitivly hot sleep-deprived mom because of my husbands tried and true tactics!


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