The Key Factors in Hooking Up in a City

As you may know, I spend unhealthy amounts of time analyzing how to increase the common man's prospects for intercourse. I just love the word "intercourse". No one uses it, except for the old lady in The Wedding Singer. "Will this be your first time with intercourse? You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men. That was a lot back then. It'd be like two hundred today!" God bless her soul. She could feed me with meatballs any day!

When exploring what city to visit next with the best odds for intercourse, you must weigh a few factors:

- The Bridge and Tunnel Crowd - this is a term given to people who come into the heart of a city by way of bridges and tunnels to get their party on. These are also the people who are not very likely to hook up with you in a drunken rage of passion. Because that walk of shame just got a lot longer and more shameful as they have to take the bus in the morning to the train stop that leads you out of Manhattan or San Francisco and into New Jersey or Livermore.

- Taxis - a city's dependency on taxis is always a great indicator for hooking up. Those that live in the heart of a city and take taxis everywhere get WAY more inebriated than say people in Los Angeles, who have to drive back to Long Beach, Pasadena, or Thousand Oaks. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. You could be in downtown LA and no matter where you go, your home is at least 30 minutes away. PLUS, the one person who draws the short-end of the stick, always has to drive like 7 people sitting on each other's laps so that everyone else can get wasted. But because of this, that means there are just THAT many more cock-blockers who aren't going to let their girlfriends go home with you.

- Tourists - the more likely that a city draws tourists, the better your chances. Think about cities like Vegas, Ft. Lauderdale, New Orleans... EVERYONE can walk to the bars/clubs, take taxis, AND go back and forth from their hotels at any time. "Your place or mine?" has never been so easy!

- Inferiority Complex - branching out a little from U.S. destinations (although this still works here in podunk towns), Americans have a much easier time hooking up with girls in second-tier countries that idolize U.S. pop culture. We bring a real world perspective to Rachel and Ross, and David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. "Why, yes, I DO come from the country that made those hit shows. They all live just a few miles from me..."

- Universities - cities rife full of colleges and universities (not sure what the difference is) are always great times, because college students make the worst hook-up decisions of them all. The best part is that it's acceptable behavior! Your friends don't give you dirty looks, in fact, they give you dirty looks for being a prude. Places like Chicago and Boston are full of universities.

- Types of Industries - like with all things women (or alcohol), I do my research. Cities with large Healthcare institutions, Educational services, or Advertising/Public Relations services, are gold mines for a great ratio. They account for 78%, 69%, and 52.3% of the workforce in those fields. Fortunately for Silicon Valley, we employ the two most dominant male industries: Technology and Construction. That's why I've been a champion of healthcare in Silicon Valley for all those engineers and computer programmers that can't afford it.

Welp, there you go. An area may have hot women, but if all you get to do is stare, you might as well stay home and watch porn. Now, if you want to have intercourse with at least eight women before marriage, I suggest you be judicious with your choice of travel destinations. And when you're laying next to that beer-goggle enhanced hottie, you can say to yourself, "now that's a good meatball."

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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