The 7 Friends You MUST Have in Your Life

I don't mean to brag, but I've got over 737 friends (on Facebook), and unlike other people, I only add those I've had meaningful conversations with. (Except for that one gal in Chicago, who was so hot, I made an exception... then I promptly spent 18 straight days looking through pictures on her profile. She drinks her milk, that's for sure.) I also have 43 friend requests waiting in the wings, but I am in no rush to consider anymore friendships. They will have to wait to taste this forbidden Facebook fruit. How does one person become so popular, you say? I know my place. And I know the places of my friends.

Here are 7 types of friends you either have or should have in your life:

- The Planner
This is the person that is so responsible it hurts. Every group needs this person. He/she has every detail of every trip planned out, complete with printouts and itineraries. When a decision needs to be made, this is your person. The Planner also most likely knows several languages, most importantly Spanish, so that when that Mexican cop tries to extort money out of the entire group, he/she is spitting out 100 impressive-sounding words a second, that forces the cop to backtrack, give directions to our destination, and wish us well as we depart. 

- The All-American
This is the guy that you love to hate, but you can't. He's naturally good at everything: sports, drinking, women, life... He magically looks good when waking up in the morning or coming out of the pool. He never has to fix his hair, because it just falls into form as it he were posing for an Abercrombie & Fitch ad. In the female form, the All-American is that girl who says hi to you, but you envy from afar, because she's probably dating an Olympic Water Polo player.  

- The Outrageously Obnoxious
This is the person who gets sh*t-faced drunk at all times. He/she doesn't stop at one or two drinks. EVER. This person can get away with racist comments, cracks about handicapped children, and call you (to your face) the dirtiest names in the book - and, yet, everyone still likes him. He/she pushes the boundaries of polite banter and into the world of your deepest darkest secrets. 

- The Funny Fat One
This is the portly, un-intimidating friend who no guy or girl finds threatening. He always has lots of girlfriends, but it's doubtful that he's ever been with any of them. In fact, amongst the friends, the jury's still out on whether he's a virgin. This friend is so sweet and lovable, he rarely has to buy his own drinks, and girls feel perfectly fine sleeping next to him. He's the guy who has your girl laughing all day, but you're not worried one bit. As a female, this friend is more vocal about her lack of sexual activity. She'll openly flaunt the fact that she wants to f*ck someone in this room tonight. (That's where the SVB comes in!)

- The Degenerate
This is the friend who hasn't had a job since having to clean the chalk board erasers in 3rd grade. He/she constantly asks to sleep on your couch and frequently inquires whether you're going to finish your drink. He gets blacked out drunk the majority of the week and wakes up in strange places that he can't explain. She sleeps until 2pm, and only because it's too hot to sleep any longer. This is the friend that everyone likes to keep to feel better about themselves. Lost your job? Hey! Look at your degenerate friend to feel better! 401K took a big hit? The degenerate doesn't even have any money! Barely passed your STD test? The degenerate has failed them all! In the female form, we call this person the whore. In the male form, we call him the SVB. 

- The Brings Nothing to the Table 
This is the friend who comes in many forms. They are there, but you don't remember one humorous, memorable thing they did all night. They neither hit on any girls, went home with any guys, or bought any rounds of drinks. Most morning recaps go like this, "Joe Blow was THERE last night?!?! Oh yeah!" At the very least, they cover their share of the bills and offer you a recap of YOUR blacked-out night. "K-Leu, you totally made out with this fat chick."

- The Relationshipper
This is the friend who will help you move, set up your surround-sound speakers, play in your fantasy football league, but clearly would rather stay home with his woman than spend a night drinking with you losers. He/she only comes out once in awhile, because he/she knows it's what must be done to appease the rabid animals that make up the rest of the group. The Relationshipper stands drinking his/her beer, looking on with confidence and amusement, knowing that they are over it and better than everyone else in the bar. They somehow disappear and make it into their egyptian cotton bedsheets by midnight.

So there you go. I'm a big fan of balance and I've got a great mix of friends, but the above are what you need to live a happy life. Some honorable mentions include the nerd, who helps you when your computer gets a virus when you accidentally clicked on that porn site; the foodie, who goes with you on your culinary pursuits, but not much else; and finally - the quiet listener, whom you can count on to listen to your woebegone tails without offering a solution, because you don't really want one.

If you need a Degenerate in your group, I already represent for several groups and have a hectic schedule of sleeping and drinking, but I'm open to possibilities. You'll have to get in line though - there's 43 people in front of you.

Kevin L
The Silicon Valley Degenerate 

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  1. you should make a quiz to see who you are...hehe, im sure many dont consider themselves the DEGENERATE...but if their friends voted.... hahhahha

  2. I am honest with myself. I often hear the words, "train wreck" when I walk by.

  3. A handfull of stereotyped characters for a bad comedy.

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