How To Tell If You're a Female Douchebag (or Douchette)

Recently, one of my friends began referencing my post "How To Tell If You're a Douchebag" and talking about a female douchebag she'd met - I was so overjoyed that she was quoting my writing, which is my own personal favorite pastime, that I completely tuned her out and began getting aroused. I quickly got off the phone and re-read the post, laughing myself until the Bartles and Jaymes was coming out of my nose. This got me thinking, I should write a post about how to tell if you're a female douchebag (or douchebaguette, which I believe is too long at three syllables, making douchette, the more obvious moniker). As I started to reach climax over my wonderful ideas, I took my pants off and began writing my list.

You might be a douchette if you...

... choose not to smile. Opting for what's commonly known as "duck lips" or "kissy face." Why women do this - I have no idea. It looks neither sexy or cool. I automatically assume you're a douchette when you post your Vegas Rehab pics on Facebook and that stupid look is stuck on your face in every pic. I also assume that guys only call you at 2am.

You might be a douchette if you...

... wear Ed Hardy. Yes, this isn't only relegated to males who wear Ed Hardy, females can also be douchey with their clothing selections. Then again, if you're angling to be a contestant on Rock of Love and win that dream 3 month relationship with Bret Michaels, you're on the right track.

You might be a douchette if you...

... fake and bake so much that orange/red has become a natural skin tone for you. People, religious tanning is a disease. I've been there. I love looking at my pasty bottom in comparison to my well-tanned torso. It's a litmus test and the contrast makes it look like I have a 3-dimensional butt. Right now it's only 2-D. That girl's lips look totally real too.

You might be a douchette if you...

... have a tramp stamp. Much like the totally awesome male arm band tattoo, this one is strictly for the woman with a high IQ. It spells originality and future corporate executive. I'm quite certain this group is the next Sheryl Sandberg, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Diane Feinstein.

You might be a douchette if you...

... flaunt your fake boobs like you're the second coming of Christ. And then you think your new store-bought boobs make you better and hotter than everyone else. Your new boobs will totally make a guy want to marry you for the right reasons.

You might be a douchette if you....

... carry around a cell phone covered in fake, shiny rubies. You know who you are. You're the one everyone can't stand in the train, because your voice's volume is set to maximum, even though cell phone technology has advanced considerably. "Oh no she DID-UNT! Told you that ho was crazy! Anyways girlfriend, I need to go get the corns on my toes looked at. Hold up. This fool in the train is lookin at me like he OWNS this train. Hold on. What the f*ck you lookin at?!?! You want to eat one of these corns?!?! Cause I'll shove this toe right down your throat. That's what I thought!!!"

You might be a douchette if you...

... go to the pool with no intention of actually getting in the water - wearing a full helping of makeup, freshly pressed hair, big loopy earrings, and high heels. It's a good thing that bikini is keeping those boobs in place. They look like they're built for speed.

And the number one way you can tell if you're a douchette? You hang out with douchebags. Here's some guys you should stay away from. Like these guys...

and these guys...

and this guy...

but most importantly, this guy...

The SVB is the biggest douche of them all. Memorize that face and protect your daughters...

and grandmothers.

Unless you really don't like them... Then have them email me. I'll bring over the Natural Ice, unless she prefers a fine vino. In that case, I'll bring over the Franzia. It stays fresher longer when it's in a plastic bag inside the box.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Douchebag

P.S. There's actually a good site where you can see what girls look like around the world and what they're like, it's called: - although I think the U.S. has the monopoly on douchettes. This story and many others are included in the book, "Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World" -- available on Amazon here. It's got pretty good reviews.

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  1. the blow off did a post on female douche bags! We call them "fouche bags". We have some overlap, but the pictures in your post make it way funnier than mine.

  2. ONLY the pictures!?!? You dirty sonofab.... Actually, that is hilarious. I just read your post and I wish I had heard of the moniker "fouche bag" beforehand. That TOTALLY rolls off the tongue much better. Although, the argument on Urban Dictionary seems to be relegated to Douchebaguette and Douchette.

    LOVED your list!

  3. Not just the pics, the writing too! the pics were just an added bonus. and the puckered lips thing made me laugh out loud. hilarious!


  5. Great video, Walsh. Next time leave some words as well, or else people will think it's a spam comment!

  6. Nice read, I just passed this onto a colleague who was doing some research on that. And he just bought me lunch as I found it for him smile Thus let me rephrase that: Thanks for lunch!

  7. I always wonder why women do the duck face. I think you should write a piece about that and its origin.

    1. I call it the asshole face since the mouth resembles an asshole


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