Writing a John Deere Letter and Other Important Life Lessons

So, by now, it's well-documented that the worst thing about online dating for me is the rejection of perfectly nice gals who have probably not received a lot of attention in their lives. I'm not saying the emails and winks are pouring in, but I get a fair share. Like most men of valor and distinction, I have grown up with empathy and the desire to take care and nurture those who have been less fortunate. I'd like to think of myself as a modern day Robin Hood... or Ryan Seacrest - I go back and forth. That's why it hurts me so much to NOT respond to these women.

I finally decided to do right and wrote them all short messages explaining:

"It's not you - it's me. I know you find my pictures ravishing and you'd love to run your fingers through my gel-crusted hair while we sip Ernest and Julio Gallo's best jug wine as Sisquo's "Thong Song" plays in the background, but it's not meant to be. I have met someone and it's not fair to her if I charm your pants off with witty banter. You'll only fall in love with me. At least now, you still have a chance at love in this life. And maybe in time, you can learn to think of me only periodically. 

Don't beat yourself up over this. I blame myself. D*mnit! Why did I have to go and be so photogenic!?!? Please, I know you only wrote that you "liked my profile" - but you deserve so much more. You're gonna get out of here. You're gonna go on and you're gonna make lots of babies, and you're gonna watch them grow. You're gonna die an old lady warm in her bed, not here, not this night. Promise me you'll survive and that years from now you'll throw a VERY valuable necklace into the ocean for me. And you'll make this tiny whimper as your throw it overboard. PROMISE ME!!!!

I'll never let go....


That, my friends, is how it's done.

As I went through some final profiles, I found myself laughing out loud for only the second time, (here's the first), but this one was so much better. Read the OKCupid "You should message me if..." section of this gal's bio:

You should message me if

A.) You're a genuinely nice, lovely person with a good soul


B.) You agree with me that the below email I recently received from my dear mother is perfectly hilarious....


Hi Karen,

On Rachel Ray they had a guy from Cupid something, a dating site. You maybe could check out Rachel Ray talk show site for more in depth report of the presentation on how to improve your profile for e-dating. Even what to consider for your Face-Book Profile. Had my laptop on the couch while I was watching and I took some notes that I am forwarding to you.

Does not matter if you smile.

Does not matter if your face is in the picture. Does not have to be a face shot. You can be a speck in the photo as long as it shows you doing something you like to do.

Most important, picture must demand that you get a conversations going...i.e. showing you do something you like

Authenticity is important
Photo with a flash adds 7 years to your face
pictures taken in your home are very effective

Self portraits that are flirty with the camera are effective and are conversation starters.

Not all smiley, looking and engaging the camera.

Update frequently
Don't be afraid to show off what you have, Hobbies or great bod! , If you recently did something fun, show it off

Guys on the other hand need to look off camera. Women don't like men staring at them

Love you,


You gotta love Moms. This gal's Mom is going to give my Mom a run for her money! Who knew that taking pictures with flash adds 7 years to your face!?!? I'm going to only take pics in well-lighted rooms, so that I can continue looking my full 14 years and not cause alarm around high school campuses.

This may be a little bit late, but Happy Mother's Day, Momma! I LOVE YOU SOOOOO MUCH. As one of the most touching, simple, and poignant lines in a television show this year, Modern Family said it best, "you only get one Mom." And that's one woman who will never get a 'Dear John' letter from me.

Kevin L.

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