Guest Post: 13 Facebook Habits That Make Me Want to Kill You

I am happy to welcome one of my best friends to the pantheon of greatness that I like to call,! Guest bloggers have gone on to successful careers, including Telephone Marketing Technicians, Food Consummation Engineers, Sleep Abundance Practitioners, and Oblivious Space Fillers. Welcome, Bryce! 

While I have chosen to hide literally everyone on my Facebook newsfeed, so that only my own posts show up - and I can laugh at them incessantly - Bryce has chosen to delete Facebooker's who do annoying things. Here are his reasons...

By Bryce P.

Have you ever wanted to enroll your friends in the Social Networking Finishing School for the Socially Inept? Well here is your chance. We all have one, hell, we all have 20 of them. But hopefully you’re not THE one. It has come to the point where social networking has just gotten out of hand and we need to bring each other in line and revert back to basics. Let’s face it, these arenas are not autobiographies. They are channels of two way communication and entertainment.

There you are, cruising along chuckling away at witty banter and posting a few of your own thought provoking comments that illicit laughter or incite angry riots, both of which you take great delight in. Then comes along that one post/tweet/status update that you just mentally trip over and can’t help but cringe. The annoying abuser of social networking has just reared their ugly head. You know who they are don’t you? Leave it to Captain Buzzkill & The Bring Me Downs to go back on tour and make an ill timed appearance right before your very eyes. Did you buy a ticket to this putrid show? NO! Nonetheless, they present themselves in various forms. In an effort to readily identify and address said intrusions, let’s discuss them in more detail:

1. Annoying Hijackers: You were in the moment damn it. You put a lot of thought into that update and really wanted to get your point across or entice a response to gauge other’s opinions. And WHAM, Mr./Mrs. Random comes out of nowhere with: “Why didn’t you reply to my text last night?” Let’s try to focus and stay on topic here people. Even a sarcastic comment that still alludes to the issue at hand is well within bounds but derailing the entire subject matter is unacceptable. Besides, the reason we didn’t respond to your text is because you say things like, “Why didn’t you reply to my text last night”.

2. Incessant Child/Pet Posts: Yeah, we used to know each other but now you’re a shell of your former self. Once upon a time you used to have a life….and a personality that went along with it. Now you’ve been relegated to living life through your child/pet. This is fantastic and I’m all for it, but your child/pet does not define you. Do we all really have to be subjected to this on a daily basis? It's tough since undoubtedly only mature readers would dare waste their time with this blog and we are getting to be “that age" where kids are certainly a part of the equation. Seriously though, people who only post pictures of their kids or pets and update frequently that their child “….rolled over all by themselves today” are people I no longer wish to interact with. Others of like mind of course chime in and add fuel to the fire. Here is a real example snipped from my actual friends:

Jenny: Jake grew up fast these last 2 weeks. He’s potty trained and he learned how to swim! So proud of my little dude!

Theresa, Alexis, Paige and 22 others like this.

Erin - Can you potty train my son?
Jenny - Sure, as long as you don't mind him peeing outside, which is what Jake prefers!
Jenny - Oh, maybe I should add that he doesn't poop outside! That he does on the toilet.
Diana - I knew he could do it!!
Nicole - Yea Jake!!!

I guess the whole joke is on me for having read such nonsense…..moving on.

3. Vagueness/Doomsayers: Worse yet is the total obscurity that these updates provide. “Why do these things always happen to me?” This is akin to crying wolf. Moreover, the Chicken Little supporters ask “What’s wrong, are you OK?” Hopefully this can only be sustained for so long until the proverbial BULLSHIT is called and their meaningless existence is exposed and reduced to relative nothingness.

4. Habitual Photo Upload: ok Ok OKAY, I get it. You like to eat. We all do. But multiple photos of your neatly set table and 3 course meal, complete with detailed descriptions of ingredients, is a tad bit excessive, it does nothing for me. Yes - sight, smell, & taste are all comingled sensory modalities. But last I checked nobody has yet to invent a smell-o-vision app so why do you bother? And no, I don’t wish I was there sitting with you.

5. Weather poster: 98% of the time I realize these are transplants broadcasting to far off lands. Hey, jerkwad, we’re all full here folks so don’t go advertising to your Midwest clan how amazing the sunset is or how cool the clouds look from your balcony. Trust me, the sun will set again so you’re really not missing anything if you just sit, stare and let it all soak into your own memory.

6. Check-ins: First and foremost let me put myself on blast as a common checker-in’er. What can I say? I find myself in some admittedly interesting places that some people may find worthwhile or to let people know that I’m a fully fledged member of the Bad Ass Club. But the Olive Garden, Walmart, Bed Bath & Beyond, REALLY? C’Mon you guys, at least pretend to live it up a little and pick your locations wisely as you drive by them.

7. Braggadocios: I for one fully support narcissism. If you don’t love yourself first then who will? Hence my Platinum endorsement of the SVB. But the fine line of “Rah rah rah, go me!” without love for others only lends itself to people secretly rooting for your own demise. Who then will have your back as you pee in the corner of a round room?

8. Spelling Nazis/Ebonics Experts: An atrocious bunch indeed. I take great pains to avoid them but sometimes the to/too, your/you’re, there/their/they’re just slip by. Thank you ‘Oh Wise One’ for pointing it out. I’ll bet you volunteered to sit in the first row of class and brought an apple for the teacher. Guess what, everyone hates you. On the opposite end of the grammar spectrum are those who seem to say everything in slang, as if they have a Ph.D. in street speak. Have you no respect for the English language that you must butcher every word? Being ghetto in no way makes you cool so just knock it off and stop trying so hard, it’s unbecoming.

9. Misplaced target audience: Listen kids, I’m friends with YOU, not your business. Shameless plugs and self promotion has its place…..that’s right, on its own separate page. I don’t give a rat’s ass how your company is doing or if you’re at work tonight begging for patronage. At the very least give us the option and create an individual entity that we can choose to follow and be inundated with irrelevant rhetoric on a daily basis. Didn’t you know that spam is punishable by death in some countries?

10. Letter /Question Updates: “Dear Stomach, why do you hate me?” These open ended diary entries have no answer and therefore have no place in my life. “Does a duck with one leg swim in circles?” “Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?” ARRGH!!!! More like, “What is the sound of one hand smacking your face?”

11. Causes: Be it of a philanthropic nature or the recruitment to help them win a prize. Post after post after post followed by a few personal messages and perhaps a quick IM thrown in for good measure. These people are relentless. Do you really think we're going to drop everything we're doing and be your biggest fan? Remember Stan?....yeah he was a batshit crazy stalker, I however am not. All in all, you just end up devaluing your position and we only really feel sorry for you. Beat it, scram, vamoose!

12. Beat Junky: Damn you have a lot of free time on your hands. Evident by the 8 songs you just uploaded, complete with lyrics I might add. Myself....not so much. While you sit there convinced that your friends are forever grateful to you for exposing them to these hidden gems of art, the reality is, we just scrolled right over them and moved on to more worthwhile content. But don't stop, oh please don't stop. In fact I encourage you to take your act on the road, you Voyeur of VJing you.

13. Ghost in the shadows: In my eyes, this is THE WORST OFFENSE! You don’t think they are there but alas, they are most definitely there. Lurking in the dark. Seldom do they post anything personal or entertaining themselves but seem to be quite up to speed with your personal on goings when you cross paths many months down the road. If your life is that boring and your body lacks a single humorous bone, then I implore you to banish yourself from the interwebs and proactively remove yourself from the gene pool. Darwin would have wanted it that way.

We as a society cannot tolerate such gross violations of social code any longer and must stand together united as one to combat these unabated cardinal sins that are perverting cyberland into a basterdization of its once glorious former self. I urge you to consider your relationship with these habitual violators and ask yourself if you should purge them from Facespacewitterster.


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