Online Dating - The Art of Judging a Person By Their Pictures

You ever have one of those dates where you shake your head in disbelief while walking back to your car and can't stop smiling?

I have.

Still smiling... Heck, I'm going to make those smiley faces that girls do :). That felt good. :) :) :) and that was for good measure. It's the damndest thing to go into a date with mild expectations and walk away feeling euphoric. It reminds me of when three of my buddies wanted to watch Team America: World Police on the big screen and I was repulsed, but outnumbered. I went in unhappy, but came out with my cheeks in pain, my abs chiseled, and my pants undone. Maybe it was the low expectations and being caught off-guard, and then again, maybe it wasn't.... maybe it wasn't. (I said that twice to leave you pondering... Sometimes I do this for dramatic effect too: Maybe. It. Wasn't.)

Well, enough of the pillow talk! You probably want to know how Week 2 of online dating has gone for the most eligible bachelor since Erik and Lyle Menendez. Let me tell you, I have never felt like I was wasting so much time in my life. THIS coming from a guy who wakes up and stares at the ceiling for hours, wishing a catheter were inserted from his urethra to his bladder so that he wouldn't have to get up and pee. I honestly hate the fact that I can spend a few hours browsing and looking at profiles of girls who trick you into clicking on them because of a misleading profile pic.

Online dating also makes me feel guilty. I know that most of you only think of me as a foundation of muscle and handsomeness, but I also have a heart made of play-dough. I don't like the feeling of rejecting a woman. So when I get a message from someone or a "wink," there's no way I can get off the hook by saying, as if it were in person, "I'm sorry, I have a girlfriend." Or my favorite, "Lo siento, no hablo ingles. Yo hablo chino." On Match, everyone knows you're single, available, and speak english. If you don't respond, it's a flat-out rejection. I know they're probably not hanging their hat on my response, but I wouldn't blame them if that were the case. My profile bio is nothing short of amazing:

"Hello, I am unemployed and I sleep permanently on a futon. Yes, I realize that a futon is the bed of choice for many, many homeless people and drunk college students, but I have chosen it as my full-time pleasure pad. I also wear a wardrobe that startlingly consists of little else, besides white V-Neck shirts, even though I own only one of them. Please message me, if upon reading this, you feel that tingle in your loins."

Let me tell you what I have thus far found to be the truth about online dating site pictures:

1. They Only Have One Picture on Their Profile - Fellas, these are ladies we're talking about. If they only have one picture posted on their profile, there's gotta be something wrong with them.

2. All Pic Poses Using "The Good Side" - I find this to be quite annoying and a sign that the girl is super self-conscious. She's probably high-maintenance too, if she can't relax during pictures and just smile from whatever angle she's standing at. By this, I mean - if she's facing the camera and standing on the right side of the group, she'll still consciously direction her head to the right and look at the camera with the left side of her face... JUST to capture her "good side." Ladies, please stop this. It's painfully obvious when us guys are stalking your profile (even on Facebook), and all your pics have you looking the same direction no matter what.

3. No Pic - The jury is still out on this one, but I have had a few people express interest in me and they had NO pics posted. Of the one that I asked to send me a pic, she turned out to be on the unattractive side. I feel guilty about asking her for a pic and not getting back to her after she sent it, so I am going to message her a few more times - that way she thinks it's just a personality mismatch and not a rejection on her looks. SEE HOW HARD THIS IS FOR MY MARY POPPINS HEART!?!? My message will probably make her feel like she's doing the cutting off. I'll write her this: "Yo, Baby, that picture was fly. I downloaded it already and made it my screensaver. I even printed some out to put into my glass coasters. I did have pics of my kids in them, but I haven't seen them in like four months, so it's cool. I saw that you like traveling. I hate traveling. I also saw that you like romantic comedies. I hate romantic comedies. So what's up? Let's make some babies."

4. The Obscured/Large Group/Center Flash/Heavily Angled Pics - A lot of girls post pics where you just can't tell what they really look like. It's blurry. Or they're standing with a big group and the pic is taken from far away. Or they use a heavy flash so that the middle of the face is bright, but all details are washed out. Then, there are the pics of girls who have too much hair in their face, are not even looking at the camera (like a side profile pic), or are wearing sunglasses. Everyone's hotness factor goes up by at least one when they wear sunglasses (see below). The eyes are very important. Of course, that, and the smile. I don't trust or respect people who wear sunglasses when they meet you and never take them off. Why would I do it online? If these are the pics they're posting, you're going to be disappointed when you meet them. Unless you date for personality, but that's ludicrous!

As for my date, I don't kiss and tell, unless it has to do with sexual details, but I can now officially count myself as the only person I know who went out to meet their date and thought the person was better-looking in person. Almost everyone else I've spoken to (then again, all my friends are really attractive), never thought the person they met lived up to their pictures. Why would you try and mislead someone? In theory, if it worked out, you would meet them eventually!

I clicked on one profile of a gal who used a picture of a model as her main pic, but once you got to her other pictures, it was a completely different person altogether. She just wanted people to click on her profile and baited them in with a stunning picture of someone else. As for me, I'm not tricking anyone into going out with me. I proudly posted a profile pic of myself on a bad day. Take it or leave it, but it's who I am. Below is the pic...

Kevin L.

... I had just gotten out of the ocean, where I routinely swim in my jeans. My hair was a little messed up, but I'm not embarrassed.

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  1. You don't kiss and tell. WTF. I thought this was going to get good.... sigh... HOWEVER, you did have me check my facebook profile pics to see if i was guilty of only posting my good side. Phew, i passed. All angles baby. I like to scare 'em off in style.

  2. Okay, fine. I will kiss and tell. Soooooo.... at dinner, there was one point where I was telling this story, and then.... when I was done, I laughed and touched her arm. It was bliss. I wanted to smoke a cigarette right then and there and then choke on it from lack of experience.

    As for good sides, I don't even know if I have a good side. They are all kind of lukewarm. All my pics have my glazed over eyes that stare off into the yonder...

  3. Since when are you modest Kevin?? Wow this school teacher has made you all giddy. Giddy-up!! You do realize you have this new cute side in your writing. It is, it's adorable! Who new...

    And the 'bait' profile pics are making a lasting impression. You brag about your sexy white vneck, yet you post a pic of you in a long sleeved collar shirt... I noticed. Oh i noticed. Nothing gets past this detective. Looking good btw, love what you've done with your hair.

  4. Haha, touche. Whereas you know who you are tangoing with, I am left to guess at who is making these keen observations. If I didn't know any better, I would guess that I'm leaving my own comments as "Anonymous" so that I can give the illusion of reader interest.

    My hair thanks you...

  5. Ohhh yes, i'm a sadistic little wench aren't i?? but i'm flattered if i can be in the same comedic league as you.

    And every time i try and use the word 'touche' i screw it up. Envious. One day.

    And really, as much as people can talk to themselves, talking to themselves on their own blog... thats grounds for britney's meds. No offense Brit brit.

  6. I shall now do my own detective work to find out who you are. I must know...

    You mentioned Brit Brit and her meds, which must mean you are a fan of teen pop or watch Glee. You've complimented me profusely, which means that I am now yours, sexually. You have good sentence structure and spelling, which means you went to college.

    You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong, so you could've put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard, which means you must have studied, and in studying you must have learned that man is mortal, so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.

    Therefore.... I have NO idea who you are. You win.


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