My First Week on Are Looks Deceiving?

If I hadn't already promised you a thorough analysis of online dating, I would quit right now. But I am a man of my word... well, except if you ever hear: "Come back to my place. I won't try anything. You can take the bed - I'll sleep on the couch." Yeah, right!!!!

Online dating is a full-time job. It's been one week on both and and I'm glad I didn't decide to try all of the dating sites, as originally planned. I'm exhausted. All this winking, and flirting, and waiting, and messaging... I feel like I'm passing notes in 3rd grade and trying to look down the shirt of my teacher while getting help. (What?!? I know I'm not the only one! You would've done the same if you had seen what Mr. Thompson looked like.)

For the first four days on, my standards were impeccably high. I scrolled through hundreds of women. And chose the grand total of ONE person to "wink" at. Then, I waited.  I waited for one day. One day rolled into two. Two days rolled into three. Was it the pictures I uploaded!??! Maybe I wasn't flexing enough in that bathroom pic. Three days turned into four. Maybe it was the bio I wrote. Darnit! I knew I shouldn't have said that my idols were Charles Manson, Hannibal Lector, Quagmire, and Harry Connick Jr.. The hit to my ego was too much!!! I then decided that the girl I had winked at was a WHORE! One who I hoped would crash into a ditch while putting her makeup on! And I'm not playin'! (But, I would only want her to sustain minor injuries - like some cuts and bruises.)

I decided to reshift strategies and employ something I call the "spray and pray." (Ugh, you guys are dirty!) It's what I do on weekend nights at 2am, when I text five to ten previous hookups with a relatively simple, "Hey you, how was your night? What are you up to?" Of course, at 2am, it typically looks like this, "haY u, hwo was ur nghit? Waht r u up too?" In this scenario, I messaged any girl who looked remotely attractive. I got tired of reading all the bios, because they all say the SAME D*MN THING!!! Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has this in their bio.

"I love to laugh and have fun. I also love to dance, drink wine, and did I mention travel? I have a weakness for it!"

O.M.G. What mutant doesn't like to laugh or have fun!??! And really annoyed the hell out of me everytime I clicked on someone's profile and it said, "Both of you like traveling and wine! Start a conversation!" Find me someone who doesn't like traveling and I will find you someone living in their parent's basement playing World of Warcraft.

There was only ONE bio that I thought was absolutely hilarious. Below is her FULL bio:

"I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial masque which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion."

HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I will marry this girl if she responds to my, "Hahah, you're funny!" It took me a long time to come up with that clever response. I wasn't sure how many 'ha's I wanted to put in to give me that perfect balance of machismo and compassion. In the end, I decided on 2.5, so that she would be able to tell I put some thought into my response.

I am getting so fed up with reading these cliched bios, that next week I am going to try something new. This will be my new bio:

"I despise having fun. Little kids make me sick. Laughing is for the weak. I don't believe in positivity, so don't come preaching around me. What you see is what you get. I once traveled outside of Los Angeles and I found people to be nice, polite, and generous. I never want to leave LA again. I hate traveling now, because I worry that someone will try and start small talk with me. Anyhow, I am a man. And I do need sex. So, message me if you are interested in missionary position sex 3 - 4 times a week. I can be done in 5 minutes flat. There will be no cuddling afterwards, nor will we acknowledge each other following."

I doubt anyone will get my humor - but if someone does... I may have met my match (.com). Take for instance this message exchange I had with a nice first grade teacher. We went back and forth for a couple of days until I decided to interject a little bit of the SVB charm. We were talking about siblings and how she had three brothers - her being the third child of four. I asked her whether she ever wished for a little sister, and she said, whenever she's angry, she'll let it be known to her younger brother that she had wished for a younger sister. I wrote back:

"My sister used to dress me up in girl's clothing - it was traumatizing. But, luckily, she hasn't done that for at least a year now."

I am still waiting for a response...

Kevin L. Member

P.S. I thought it was a funny comment! No? Should I go find a basement and play World of Warcraft for the rest of my life?!? Because I'm about ready to give up and call it a life.

P.P.S. Stay tuned to for the results of my "spray and pray," habits of female picture poses, theory on girls who don't post pics, and why I feel so guilty all the time...

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  1. That woman's morning routine is oddly like Christian Bale's am start-up in American Psycho. All she needed to do was add Phil Collins or Genesis to the mix. I'd stay away from that match...

  2. I would love for her to stare into the mirror at her own image as we bump uglies... Although, I guess that would mean death is imminent.

  3. First of all, you had me at sex 3 or 4 times a week. That means you don't play World of Warcraft, you have other hobbies. Check. So then that means you'd be will to travel for pussy. A women would force you to travel... therefore, they should realize, you do infact travel. You just havn't the NEED to yet.

    And second, this is starting to sound like movie. If you do meet a woman... and she finds out she was an experiment to read about ... ohh this is could get good, real life soap opera!

    And do school teachers even have a sense of humor?? the "cool" ones are few.

  4. Wow, Anonymous, sounds like you're posturing for some SVB action... Well, I should let you know now that I am hardly a conquest. I can be had with one well cocktail.

    And being as how there are over 3 trillion women in the world and you could be any of them - that really turns me on...

    BTW, the teacher messaged me back! The soap continues...

  5. OKCUPID it, bro.


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