The King of Wedding Toasts

Now, I don’t mean to brag, but I am one helluva of a speaker. I can have any normal, sane person naked within a few minutes of my witty, intellectual, baritone-fueled diatribes. You may have heard that I was kind of a big deal in certain parts of Idaho, Northern California, Columbus, OH, and in prison showers when dropping my soap – and I was. Yes, that was me you saw on TV. And, yes, that was me that made you feel like a giddy school girl again.

While I am well aware that with great power comes great responsibility (thanks, Uncle Ben in Spider-Man), I sometimes must use my gift of gab for purposes other than disrobing a female. On these rare occasions, I must pull at the heart strings of others, because everyone needs a good cry here and there. It’s healthy.

One of these moments was at my sister’s wedding a few years back. And like any occasion where I am not the main recipient of attention, I like to interrupt people and tell tall tales of my conquests. So, when it came time for me to give my toast at my sister’s wedding, I got up there and spoke about my several stints in executive drug rehab, my drinking and driving skills, my many, many leather-bound books, and finally, what an awesome brother I am. When it came to a close, there was not a dry eye in the house. I looked all 150 people in the eyes and said, “let’s rise and toast someone who has been nothing short of spectacular, brilliant, devilishly good-looking, and on the fast-track to a Pulitzer… and let’s say thanks to my sister and her husband too for the free food and booze – Cheers. TO ME!”

My amazing speaking skills were recently recognized in a Bay Area newspaper and website. While they just wanted to do a feature piece of me, complete with a swimsuit pictorial, I insisted that my sister and others be included in the story as well and that they make the story one about the art of giving good wedding toasts. I also asked that my career occupation be listed as a male hand model and part-time prostitute, because I’m far too humble to be quoted as… well, you can read for yourself:

For reference, the reporter found me through my post: "What to Say in a Wedding Toast." It's the definitive piece of literature on the subject - you should read it for yourself.

I guess we can be anything we want in this world. It’s up to us to decide whether we want to be a good Spider-Man or a bad one.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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