Secrets of "Banging a Girl" on the First Date: Interview with a Sexual Closer, Part 2

Today, I continue with Part 2 of the interview with "Alan Parsons" - in case you didn't know this was part 2 from the title of the post. If you failed to catch Part 1, you can do so by clicking here. But, I highly recommend you visit another site if you wish to be even mildly entertained. Reading my blog has been proven to make people dumber.

Very well, let us continue.

Kevin: "Nah, man... I'm cutting onions... for onion soup. Umm, let's backtrack a little towards once they're in your house. You make them a drink, I assume, and then do you go straight in for the kill? What happens to break that level of casual interaction and go into physical lusting?"

Alan: "Most of the time, they make the first move."

Kevin: "BULLSH*T! I don't believe you!! Errr, I mean, that sounds very unlikely to happen. Um, tell me how does one reach such God-like status?"

Alan: "Well, by this point, they've already had a few drinks in them. If they came and met up with me, and then came up to my condo, they pretty much probably already made up their mind. So, because I act like I really don't care, they usually get restless and will make the first move."

Kevin: "Like what?"

Alan: "Like, tell me to come over to them when I'm sitting on the other side of the couch. Or they'll come over towards me and put their hand on my knee or on my shoulder, which makes it a pretty open invitation to move onto some petting or a kiss."

Kevin: "Okay, so there’s got to be some times where you get a girl home, you have a few drinks, but she ends up, say, slapping you, not that that's ever happened to me, or saying ‘I would never sleep with you in a million years, even if you were the last person on earth - you vile, disgusting bachelor-blogging pig!’ – hypothetically speaking."

Alan: "Well, no one has ever said that to me, but there are times where a girl will give you the 'no, I shouldn't do this'-type thing. Or the 'you're not going to call me tomorrow,' or 'I normally don't do this kind of thing' - which is all B.S."

Kevin: "Can I tell them I love them?"

Alan: "No."

Kevin: "But sometimes I feel like I really do love them when I am borderline blacked-out drunk."

Alan: "Yes. I know this. You have told ME you loved me many times before. Stop it."

Kevin: "Okay. So what do you say or do, once they tell you they shouldn't or express reservations?"

Alan: "At this point, they normally have a fair amount of clothes off and there's been some heavy kissing and petting. I will assure them that I want to see them again, which is the truth, just not in a relationship - but I'll leave that part out. I'll also finger them in a way that makes them really want to 'bang'."

Whoa. This part just went from PG to Rated R. Let me take a moment to advise my readers to stop reading or face the repercussions. Even for myself, this type of talk makes ME queasy...................................................... Okay, that should be enough time for the faint of heart to leave this site. For all you disgusting perverts that stuck around..... how YOU doin? We should meet up for drinks sometime...

Kevin: "Okay. Tell me about this fingering method."

Alan: "Well, I was really, really fortunate. My first long-term girlfriend basically taught me how to do everything. A lot of girls are shy and won't tell you how they like things, but she basically showed me how she liked to masturbate. Essentially, I will barely put my finger in her vagina, where it's wet, then pull it out and find the clitoris and I will rub above it or on top in a circular, light motion. I think a lot of guys make the mistake of pressing too hard and violently. The clitoris has a lot of nerve endings and is very sensitive, similar to the penis and you don't really have to press too hard. If you do it lightly and consistently, this will get her wet and want you more."

Kevin: Long pause.

"What's a clitoris? Is that like a... band or something?"

Alan: Longer pause.



I was just kidding with him. Of course I know what the "clitoris" is. And kids, remember, if you don't wear a condom, you too could get the clitoris.

Well ladies, I am now open for business. Please email me at before my calendar fills up! I now know exactly what to do next time you slap me in my face.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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