Secrets of "Banging a Girl" on the First Date: Interview with a Sexual Closer, Part 1

I have a friend who is quite possibly one of the best closers I know. If this were baseball, he would be Eric Gagne in 2003. I would say Mariano Rivera, but he hasn't shown the durability and consistency that would warrant that comparison. But for the last year or so, there has not been one girl that I have asked him about, that he's met, that he hasn't gone home and closed the deal with. I am seriously amazed. I thought this warranted an interview so that I may share the secrets of his good fortune - not that I need it... but it may help you guys (and gals).

Almost every girl I've asked him about, the conversation goes a little something like this:

Kevin: "Hey, what happened to that one girl you met at 330 Ritch the other night?"

Friend: "I met up with her on Monday and I banged her."

"Banged her" is his words, not mine. I would never say something like that. First of all, because I'm far too classy, but secondly, I would have no reason to - most of my dates end with a slap in the face and then me going home and weeping softly into my pillow.

Friend: "Hey, how did things end up with that one drunk, fat girl you met?"

Kevin: "Oh, she slapped me as soon as we got in the taxi and went home."

Friend: "Again!?!? Maybe you shouldn't try to move from dugout to 3rd base so quick."

Kevin: "Hold on... slow down so that I can write this down on my hand."

My friend, obviously, has chosen to remain anonymous. From here on out, I shall now refer to him as Alan Parsons. Not only is Alan skillfully adept at closing the deal in one night, he also is highly skilled at virtual communication. Many of the women he takes out, he never calls them once before meeting up. I asked him about the key to text message egagement, Facebooking, physical posturing, mentality, and (parental guidance suggested) sexual moves. (I highly recommend anyone under the age of 18 not read the last section, as well as any of my family members, because I'll feel awkward next time I see you.) Anyhow, here are excerpts of our conversation.

Kevin: "Alan, do you have time for the interview tonight?"

Alan: "No."

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Haha, just kidding.

Kevin: "So, right off the bat, what's the key to your success?"

Alan: "Well, first off, I only get numbers of girls that I can tell are interested."

Kevin: "What the hell is that supposed to mean!??! Are you saying the girls I hit on aren't interested in me?! - You dirty sonofab*tch!!!!"


Two minutes later.

Kevin: "Hey man, sorry about that earlier. I overreacted. You want to continue with the interview?"

Alan: "Sure. Whatever."

Kevin: "Okay, so you get the number. How long do you wait to text her?"

Alan: "Probably a couple of days."

Kevin: "What do you text her?"

Alan: "I'll write something like, 'it was nice meeting you at (blank)' and I'll try and mention or reference something we talked about that night so she won't think I was some drunk."

Kevin: "D*mn. I gotta remember something from what she's saying? No wonder...."

Alan: "If she texts back, then I'm pretty much golden."

Kevin: "So I can't text her, 'hey, I think I met you last night. Did we makeout? BTW, how much do you weigh?'"

Alan: (Long pause) "No."

Kevin: "OK. Back to you. What if she only texts back, 'nice meeting you too'? How do you keep the conversation going if she gives you nothing to work with?"

Alan: "I'll just text her other questions about things we talked about."

Kevin: "Do you add them on Facebook at anytime during this text exchange?"

Alan: "Typically at some point, they'll add me. They'll ask, 'are you on Facebook' or something like that and I will add them."

Kevin: "OK, how do you go from texts and Facebook to a physical meeting?"

Alan: "Well, I will almost never take a girl out to eat. It'll always be to meet up for drinks."

Kevin: "Nice. Saving money. So, from there, what happens next?"

Alan: "There's a lot of ways to tell if a girl's interested in you. And the fact that she's out meeting up with you for drinks without any of her girlfriends is a good indicator. One of the ways to further engage, is to make a joke, or share a laugh and then touch her back or her knee. This will kind of let you know by whether she shies away or draws herself even closer."

Kevin: "What is your body position like at this point? Are you leaning into her? Neutral?"

Alan: "Well, I start off pretty neutral. I think one key that allows me to hook up with these girls is that I really don't care. That indifference makes them more attracted to me."

Kevin: "Wow, you have a lot of humility. Please, talk more candidly. We're amongst friends. Why don't you care?"

Alan: "I really don't want a relationship, because I was in such a long-term relationship before. Also, if this girl doesn't work out, I have several other girls that I'm texting with at the same time."

Kevin: "Well after you hookup - how do you keep them from not wanting a relationship?"

Alan: "Well, I have a silver bullet in my back pocket."

Kevin: "You keep a Coors Light back there?! How does that help?"

Alan: "I can pull out the 'I was in a relationship for several years and I don't have the emotional capability to be in a relationship right now'-card."

Kevin: "Oh man, I've heard that one plenty of times... I mean, I've USED that line plenty of times. Thanks for that."

Alan: "By saying this, it's the truth, and it keeps things simple with these women and sets the boundaries that I'm only looking to hook-up with no strings attached.... Are you crying?!?"

Kevin: "Nah, man... I'm cutting onions... for onion soup. Umm, let's backtrack a little towards once they're in your house. You make them a drink, I assume, and then do you go straight in for the kill? What happens to break that level of casual interaction and go into physical lusting?"

This post is getting too long - stay tuned for Part 2, where Alan tells us how he gets a wavering girl to go all the way. Plus, we find out what the "vagina" is!

Kevin L.

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