A Drinking Man's Website and a Tribute to Alcohol

I am a big fan of alcohol. Ever since I found out you could do stupid things (a la Mentos commercials, except more R rated), I’ve been a huge advocate. I remember when I was 12 years old and I committed manslaughter. When the cops came I just looked at that bottle of vodka in my hand, grinned, and shrugged my shoulders. The cops laughed and forgave me on the spot. Believe it or not, I actually didn’t start drinking alcohol until I was 21. I don’t know why. It wasn’t like I was doing well in school, excelling in athletics, or bagging the babes.

Anyhow, I began my illustrious alcohol consuming career drinking very manly drinks - drinks like Amaretto Sours, Midori Sours, and Buttery Nipples – you know, drinks that would put hair on your chest... or your vagina. I would get buzzed and giggly like a 14 year old school girl and let everyone know that I was sooooo drunk (and ready to be taken advantage of). Those were the days. (I’m still waiting to get taken advantage of, but I figure any day now. If I get drunk every day, the odds gotta be in my favor... right? Call me!)

In fact, one of the reasons I knew this thing called the Internet was going to last was when I discovered a website that would be crucial to my college existence. I mean, email was interesting, dial-up porn was nice too, but the kicker was a website called Webtender.com. Every drink ever invented, in every format and concoction ever made was there for your viewing pleasure. Don’t like your recipe for a Cosmopo... err, Long Island Ice Tea? Try about a 100 other user uploaded recipes.

One of the best parts about the website was being able to enter all the alcohol you had on top of your refrigerator, the expired juices in your fridge and see all the different drinks you could make! For me, it was pretty simple: a handle of Popov’s Vodka, some SoCo, some Ernest and Julio Gallo wine, and OJ! And just as you figured, I could only make a Screwdriver. But if you had more alcohol, the sky’s the limit! You increase the numbers and math works in mysterious ways. It’s like Geometry – you start with what you got and then you end with something else with no idea how you got there. Fascinating.

Another cool part of the website is one that’s filled with drinking games. So say you’re stuck in any part of the country where you confuse boredom with mono (Cupertino, CA), you could pick a drinking game where you watch The Simpson’s and it’ll tell you when to drink during different moments in the show! Instant fun. Try doing this with a female in the room that you’re interested in. This is what I normally do on first dates... which conversely, also happens to be the last date. But who cares? With so many drink permutations and drinking games, who needs company!?!? Just look at me... I’m... ha...ppy.


Post Script - How else do you plan to blame it on the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol if you don't embrace it? I'm with Shallow Hal on this one when he said it didn't matter what anyone else saw of Rosemary, all he saw was a knockout. Cheers, my friend! Goggles for life!

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1 comment :

  1. wtf are you drinking that's white?
    whatever it is you seem to be making love to it with your unconscious mouth.
    double ew.
    are there any drinking games on that site that invlove getting a girl nakie?


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