A Bachelor's Favorite TV Shows... and Life Lessons Learned

While I don't watch too much television, preferring naps anywhere from 1 to 14 hours over planning my schedule around a weekly show, I have arcane taste in television shows that may give you a little bit of insight into my distinct and future Nobel-Prize-winning-mind. My taste in television shows is oddly more discriminating than my taste in food and women (no offense Jack in a Box).

While I haven't regularly watched many TV series, the ones that I have have taught me all that I need to know in life. My parents only taught me how to wash and fold clothes, vacuum, mow the lawn, dust, and accept verbal and physical punishment. Heck, without Launchpad McQuack, I'd probably be laying in a gutter somewhere, singing hymns from Marilyn Manson.

Below are the list of television shows I've watched and how they've influenced my life:

Dungeons & Dragons -

Then: I was a young child with a not-yet-developed mind and I loved this show, although I can only recall something with a shield and fire-breathing animals. I also didn't get a chance to watch it much, since I was usually sleeping until noon. (Some things never change!)

Today?: I'm a grown-up with a not-yet-developed mind, and I often wake up with a fire-breathing animal I met the night before. D&D taught me that bypassing sleep may be rewarding sometimes, but not most of the time.

G.I. Joe -

Then: This is one of my ALL-TIME FAVORITE shows. I learned the beauty of male camaraderie and how my evil sister was like the Baroness. And I also learned how to say, "Cobra-la-la-la-la-la!!!!" And how it was important to know things before battle. Like whether people had weapons, or were bigger, stronger, and/or blacker than you.

Today: I now know that knowing IS half the battle. And trying to know the other half really hurts your brain, so don't even try.

(Plus, I will name my kids Shipwreck, Snake Eyes, and Storm Shadow - regardless of sex.)

Ducktales -

Then: Launchpad McQuack was such a silly little duck. When he turned into Gizmo Duck, it was like when Steven Urkel turned into Stafon. Smooth.... Anyhow, Ducktales was full of adventure, intrigue, and possibilities. I mean, how can anyone swim through gold coins?!?! That sh*t had to hurt.

Today: I learned that swimming through dollar bills is a lot easier, since I had no gold coins to try out. Of course, I could only muster up $3.73... but it felt GOOD!

MacGyver -

Then: I mean, c'mon! What boy didn't want to work the magic that MacGyver did? It must've taken him countless years to hone all that skill. With his dexterous fingers, and his quick-thinking mind... how did he ever get locks so golden brown and finely managed with that perfect combination of mouse and hairspray? I'll never know.

Today: I still wait for that perfect day where every piece of hair falls in place in a layered way that would make Ellen Degeneres blush. It's then when I'll look at myself in the mirror and say: "eat your heart out, MacGyver."

Charles in Charge -

Then: I only love this show for the opening song. Charles in Charge, of our days, and our lives....

Today: "Charles in Charge, of our days, and our lives...."

Out of This World -

Then: Oh man, how great would it have been to freeze time and sneak into the girl's locker room? Not only that, I would've used my power for good - like maybe 80 points, 20 rebounds, 20 blocks, and ZERO assists a game.

Today: I realize that freezing time doesn't work - like that one time when a punch was coming right at my face. Don't worry though, my nose cushioned the impact.

Quantum Leap -

Then: I often think about what it's like to live other people's lives. Particularly from when I wake up, to, oh, say when I go to sleep. Sam was helping the world, one person at a time.

Today: Like Sam, I have to live for the moment or else I may be trapped in a woman's body forever.

Married with Children -

Then: Who knew that making fun of yourself, family, neighbors, and dire predicaments could be so much fun?!??! And what's this with sticking your hands down the front of your pants?...... WHOA BUNDY!

Today: Like Al Bundy, I often re-live my glory high school days when I once had 4 points and 4 rebounds in one game against Saratoga High School. Although I am not married, Al taught me that life can't truly ever get as bad as his.

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air -

Then: I wish I had a can of spray paint to spray my arm pits and that I was black.

Today: I wish I had a can of spray paint to spray my arm pits and that I was black.

Lost -

Then: Sawyer taught me what it meant to be a real, rugged man. Jack taught me to drink alcohol like an alcoholic. Hurley taught me what it's like to be annoying and a talentless actor. And all the cast taught me to be riddled with guilt and a complex history.

Today: I'm a split-personality pyschopath who lives on a Fantasy Island in my mind and I would prefer you call me Freckles.

Entourage -

Then: Growing up with no friends and Ducktales, I always wanted true bro-friendship like the ones these actors portray in a fake world. Each character has a strength that compliments the group; brains (E), looks (Vinny), mouth (Ari), wit (Drama), and slave (Turtle).

Today: I have almost 500 friends (on Facebook) and no shortage of confidence and/or friends. Did I already say friends? Because my friends are calling me now to go hit golf balls from their backyard overlooking Los Angeles. Afterwards I may get a handjob from Jamie-Lynn Sigler. I don't know yet, I don't know if we'll have enough time... I am in NO way lonely and single and pathetic.


I probably won't be watching too many television shows from here on out - too much to do.... In the meantime, I'll be hanging out in my Dungeon, playing with my G.I. Joe's, telling them Ducktales about a guy named MacGyver who left Charles in Charge, who was Out of This World, when he took a Quantum Leap into being Married with Children, performed by the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, who got Lost, but found his Entourage.

I am so cool.

Who wouldn't want Charles to be in charge, of our days and our night? Charles in charge of our wrongs and our rights, and I sing, I want, I want Charles in charge of meeeeee!

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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  1. No offense Jack in the Box!?
    What the hell does that place have that a female doesn't????

    oh, and your kids will either be the coolest at school or eat lunch in the bathroom stalls by themselves with those names...
    50/50 chance. never know with kids these days...

  2. I will attempt to answer your silly question with another question.

    How many abodiginals do you see modeling?

  3. what? you are making a big mistake by not naming a child Sargent Slaughter.

  4. You brought back Duck Tales!!! LOL, I just had a flashback of my after school TV regimen. Excellent choices.


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