A Eugoogly: The Loss of a Dear Friend...

This weekend was a very difficult one for me. I lost a truly valued member of my entourage. For the past 10 years, he was with me almost everywhere I went. A confidante, a guide, a resource, a sounding board, a portable porno looking machine, and sometimes.... even a lover. Yes, I am mourning the passing of my cell phone, but more importantly the memory chip (see: heart) that was located inside of my lil' buddy. On that chip were numbers accumulated from 10 years of philandering, idiocies, fast food restaurants, and even a friendship or two.

So many hours spent on that phone whispering sweet nothings. So many 2am calls, dialing numbers of girls that never answered. So many unexplained questions of missing women who asked me to delete their number from my phone and never call them again. So many calls from police detectives asking about the whereabouts of my being from 2am to 8am on Sunday mornings.... err, I mean.... uhhh, did you guys catch that traffic this morning?

Well, here is what I'll miss the most:


It's 2am, KEVIN, 30, lean, muscular chest and arms, with a tan that would make George Hamilton whimper, stumbles out of a seedy bar in desperate search of someone who might go home with him. All around him are women who find him devastatingly handsome, but are afraid to approach him. Instead, they give their numbers to douchebags wearing Ed Hardy shirts.
Kevin quickly goes down the list of random names in his phone. He starts with the "A's" and works his way down.

Hey... (quickly checks phone for name)... Amanda. It was great meeting you at (quick cough to conceal random place not remembered). I was just calling to see what you're up to? Maybe you might want to meet up for some coffee. Like... maybe, in like 10 minutes. I can be there in 2. Call me back if you get this message and tell me where you live again. OK, talk soon.

20 minutes later, Kevin is at the "H's".

Hey.... (quickly checks phone for name) ... Heather. (Desperation is now showing in Kevin's voice.) It was great meeting you... at, oh, let's cut the bullsh*t. What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me getting together? Hit me with it! It took a lot of effort to call you, the least you can do is level with me. That was from Dumb and Dumber. I'm funny. You might realize that if you'd answered the phone!!!!! You stupid sonofab*$#!&. You're going to regret this for the rest of YOUR LIFFFEEE!!!!!..... Well, call me back if you want. I'll be around. No hard feelings.

20 more minutes later - Kevin is now at the "W's". There a few options left.

Hey. You. Sex. Now. Call me.

5 minutes later - Kevin is at his last option and has moved from an aggressive tactic to a highly emotional one.
You had me at hello. YOU.... HAD .... ME .... AT ..... HELLOOOOO. I love you. (Kevin is barely comprehensible through the tears.) My mother, she never loved me. And, and, and, I never learned to read..... Wahhhhhhhh, (hyperventilation), wahhhhhh.

And..... Scene.

I spared you from the part where I sit next to a homeless guy and we weep together over my sad life story. (Alibi! Anyone listening? Mr. SFPD detective....) Well, phone.... well, prospective booty calls.... well, fast food restaurants.... I'll miss you. We had some good times together. Like that one time when I dropped you into the urine and poop-filled toilet and you still worked! Oh man, that was so much fun! Or the other time when I dropped you into a urine and poop-filled toilet! Man, you rocked my world.

Have fun with your new owner. May they please never post any of the pictures or videos on that phone. Let's just say my sex tape would not compete with Pam and Tommy Lee or Paris Hilton and that one guy, although I think I'd give Verne Troyer and Dustin Diamond (aka Screech) a run for their money.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Phoneless Bachelor

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