The Joys of Couplehood

I have many, many friends, almost all of whom are seriously dating, engaged, or married to some of the most awesome, perfect people. I get to spend a lot of time watching domestic bliss on the numerous outings and functions I attend. And while I sometimes want to smash them in all of their pretty little, laughing, cuddling, nurturing, comfortable, smug faces, other times I can't help but put the pieces together for my own future domestic bliss. Hey, while you may think I'm not a romantic, since I write a blog about drunken, bachelor debauchery, I must object. I once watched The Notebook for 10 minutes without running to the bathroom and throwing up. I AM Mr. Romantic.

I watch the joyful unions of my friends and I can truly say that it raises my already precariously high bar of standard that I have for women. They now must be able to read AND write. No exceptions. Remember that scene in The Wedding Singer, where Adam Sandler tells his friend he wants to be like him, like Fonzie, a different girl every night, no strings, no attachments? Then his friend tells him he's miserable? What he really wants is for someone to hold him and tell him everything's going to be alright. That's me. The jokes and self-deprecation are a sad, pathetic facade for a hurt and anger that simmers below the surface, readying itself for an orgasmic explosion.

I see the joys of my friends and want what they have. To be able to have someone who comforts you at night, shares your dreams, and be your partner in Applebee's $20-for an appetizer, two entrees, and a dessert - is that too much to ask for? I'll even let them have the dessert..... that is, for an exchange of a larger share of the appetizer.

There are many things I've enjoyed from my friend's relationships that I look forward to:

- Kitchen Utensils - Ever notice how you can go to a couple's home and they own every cool kitchen utensil ever made? Dicer. Blender. Cheese shredder. George Foreman Grill. Forks. Spoons. It's amazing! I have like one knife, one chopstick, and saved plastic utensils from Wendy's. Here's a typical scene at my couple friend's houses:

Me: Oh, let me help out and cut that cucumber. Give me a knife.

Them: Oh Kevin, you are so naive. Here, place it in the Dinglebopper - it'll slice into any size pieces you want, saute it, and using this motion sensor light, it'll then shoot out into our mouths wherever we are standing.

Me: Shamwow! Golly gee, I can't wait to get married so I too can own this stuff!

- Coupons - As I mentioned before, there are too many coupons built for two! Chili's just introduced a $20-two-entree-appetizer-dessert special as well. Forget Schindler's List - you have not seen the true meaning of sadness until you see me order this two entree special for one.

Me: Ummmm... I'll have the $20 special.

Chili's Server: Will there be someone else joining you this evening?

Me: No, you inconsiderate, m*ther*?!@#?C*ckSu&#inSonofa!@#^&@*! Why don't you announce it over the intercom?!?! You ungrateful, little prick!

Chili's Server: Sorry sir. I'll go get your order right away.

Me: Good. And be quick about it. And don't spit in my food while I'm looking.

- Renting Movies - When you rent a movie for $4, as opposed to going to see one, you save yourself $6. But when you have a significant other, you have now bumped up the savings to $16!

- A Warm Body - Sometimes it gets cold at night. Rather than turn up the heat, you can just get a little bit closer to the warm body (insert name here) next to you and save on your heating bill.

- Knowing - Do you ever ask someone's mate about the other person because you know they'll know every little thing about them? I want that. That way if my vocal chords need a break, or I just don't like the person, I'll just grunt and look towards my mate, who will answer all my relevant questions. Here's a typical scene of asking a mate:

Me: You think Seth will want to eat steaks tonight?

Significant Other: Oh yeah, there was this one time in 3rd grade when he pretended to be a cow and ran around saying, 'I'm the best piece of ass around! You can get some juicy pieces of Angus Seth Steak right here!' And he had it June 10th, May 15th, and April 2nd - so he's due. Not a bad Q-2, if I must say so myself.

Me: Great. That sounds like a lot of information for a simple question. You must know a lot about him.

Significant Other: I do. I'm his significant other. How sad - I see you have no one.

Me: (Through the tears) Uhhh, so... Outback sound ok?

See all the joys of love, companionship, and knowing? I want that unspoken bond. That, "I'll fart in response to your questions and you'll know what I mean"-type of love. Well, in the meantime, I'll hide the emptiness with humor. But just know, that when you're on the couch snuggling and laughing while I'm sitting next to you, I am hurting inside..... and I just may smash your face in.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Romantic

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  1. and all those kitchen utensils, 2 for deals and movie nights make for more then a couple extra pounds in the long run....

    Not to mention the 'knowing'....
    when you get busted out for how much ear and back hair end up in the bathroom trash each week.


    there's a dark side to 'domestic bliss' often not spoken of....

  2. You know how to cut to the core of me.....

    You're so wise - Like a miniature buddha, covered in hair.


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