The Reverse Bachelor Party: Welcoming Back a Bachelor After 7 Years

For the past 8 years or so, I've been to my fair share of bachelor parties - the logical transition into your late 20s and (gasp!) early 30s. But for the first time, it is with bittersweet trepidation that I must welcome back a fallen comrade. As the best man in my friend's wedding just a few years back, I want to slap that bee-auch that he married, but apparently the marriage is ending amicably. Now I must turn my attention toward getting my friend some action! Things have changed in the 7 years he's been with his lady-wench, so much so, that my friend (he'll remain anonymous) was alarmed by the preference of texting over actual phone conversations, asking me, "is this how things are these days?" Sadly, yes.

While texting is tedious, it has also become an important aspect of flirting and is arguably the best thing to ever happen for late night "booty calls." No longer do you have to call someone, and awkwardly shoot the breeze at 2:30 am (after Jack in the Box of course), if they pick up, and then transition into "come over, let's watch a movie." Code words for, come over and we'll put the movie in before I make my move, reeking of vodka and Jack in the Box taco sauce. Now you can just send out 20 text messages and see which lucky lady responds for that exhilarating 3 minutes of pleasure!

To help my friend with ending his 7 year drought and to get him some "action," I have compiled a list of changes to be aware of from the peak of his post-21 bachelorhood days in 1999 to 2000, to the "games" of today. I have not thought out ahead of time how many there will be in this list, but for now, we'll call it the "Top __":

- 1. Texting: See above. Rather than call and leave a message on someone's answering machine and hope they call you back, you can now send a late night text that "it was nice meeting you, looking forward to talking some more" later on that night without being creepy or overzealous. If she texts back? Great success! You can move into the late night, "What are you doing?" texts at a later time.

- 2. Facebook Stalking: No longer do you have to question your friends about whether the girl you hooked up with/ or got the digits to was hot. Too often, Mr. Beer Goggles has you thinking you met Rachel McAdams, when really it was more like Pauly Shore with lipstick. Now, you can look at all the best pictures she posted of herself and the ones she allowed her friends to tag her in. I'm fine with Pauly Shore, but if you're into the Rachel McAdams of the world, adding her on Facebook first is a good bet. Get that last name!

- 3. Dancing: No longer do guys come up for the dance-by freakings of gangster rap yesteryear, (or maybe they do, and I just drink too much now to notice it) today, you must engage, smile, exchange light-hearted witty banter, and then proceed to simulate sex on the dance floor. Just like it was back in the day, your odds of scoring go up by a factor of a gazillion IF you dance. Do it. People suck and they are not noticing you anyway. That intimate contact and touching of skins will let you know whether you've got a shot, or you should quickly cut your losses and move on. Remember, you only have 2.5 hours to work with on any given night.

- 4. Style: Now that we no longer live with our parents, it's important that your home have somewhat reasonable style. Back in college and those first years after, decorations consisted of a poster of that Michael Jordan free throw line dunk, a large glass bong on the coffee table, Playboys and Maxims in plain site underneath the glass coffee table, and empty beer cans that would remain in the same spot months at a time. Now, you must show these women that you are a man of class, elegance, and wit; throw a Gabriel Garcia Marquez book on the table, The Notebook DVD cover on the floor in plain view, and an abstract painting that you will never understand on the wall. You'll want to offer her a glass of wine, preferably white (women prefer white), and not those Coors Lights that you used to stock in your fridge next to that one container of mayonaise, a leftover burrito, and that one half-empty bottle of Gatorade.

- 5. Business Cards: Girls cut to the chase these days. They must be fed up with dating those McDonald's employees (I, myself, prefer Chipotle. That would be an awesome hookup!). While it still doesn't happen all that often, every once in awhile a girl will ask you for your business card. It's time to ask your boss for those business cards you never really had an interest in getting - it actually can help you out too. I've had times where I wasn't that interested in a girl and you throw them a card. If they call or email you first? You're golden to break that drought! Or you make crazy, repeated eye contact with a hot girl who is obviously on a date, it's those times where you don't have a window of opportunity that you can pass off a quick business card without getting in trouble.

- 6. Instant Messaging: I guess this can be clumped with texting, but IMing now is so money. First, you kill valuable time at work. Secondly, when you work so much, your mind gets into funny states of delirium. It's at these times that you can exchange witty thoughts with that girl you met last weekend. She is probably welcoming the relief of a few funny message exchanges from her busy day at work. For me, I just get fired up that someone I got the number to has a 9 to 5 job!

OK, it's getting late, I'm tired, and running out of steam. Finally, let me wrap it up this way. Welcome back to bachelorhood. I missed you. When all else fails, just go for Mark Grace's "slump buster" - trust me, 90% of the time, it works everytime!

Or try this line on a woman: "I'm Ron Burgundy?" While she's laughing or confused, grab her behind the neck and try and make out with her.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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1 comment :

  1. Hey K,

    You can send your friend to me. I am very good in trainning guys for bachelor positions.



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