How to Get Over a Woman

In the grand scheme of things, everything will be ok. It's been a long time since I've heard anyone wail uncontrollably about the 'end of their life,' since.... well.... not since I did it when JT went off to start his solo career, thus ending N'Sync as we know it. And while Lance Bass did Dancing with the Stars recently, J.C. Chasez was a judge on America's Best Dance Crew, and Joey Fatone was in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, I still fret about poor Chris Kirkpatrick. What ever will he do for the rest of his life!!?! That selfish Timberlake!

Well, enough about me and my miseries - this post is about a few friends who are getting over a woman. Fortunately, they have me - the most awesomest, handsomest, humblest, modest, funniest guy in the world! I'm a pretty, darn good wing-man too I must say. And while my friend in San Francisco needs no emotional help with his break-up, my friend in Texas is in pain; and that's ok. I'm a big fan of pain. It lets us know we're human and it makes the joys in life feel that much better. I sobbed into my pillow for at least a week when JT wouldn't come back to N'Sync after his "so-called" successful solo career. Although I'll argue seven #1 hits hardly constitutes a success.

Where were we again!?!? Did I already tell you how awesome I am yet, in relation to other people's problems? Well, everyone should grieve right away. Just get it out of the way. If it takes seven days - so be it. When you're all done, eventually you'll look up one day and be like, 'this is stupid, I'm going to go eat Chipotle now,' then you'll laugh and look at yourself in the mirror and be like, 'nice! I lost some good weight and all that crying made my cheekbones stick out.' Girls, this applies to you too. You'll be like, 'hey, I can see my rib cage. Eat your heart out Kate Moss!' Guys will be like, 'I look like Brad Pitt in Snatch!' And then you can start mumbling in Irish jibberish and laugh at yourself in the mirror and hope no one saw you in your moment of retardation.

After this moment of self-adulation, I for sure hope you didn't neglect the friends you had before Sample A was in the picture, because those are the friends who will come through for you now. Although there are exceptions for the neglected - say for instance you're rich, or have a big-screen television, are in close proximity to a fun club, or have a hot sister - we'll overlook the fact that we never saw you for the entire tenure of Sample A. Gather up these friends and hit up the town as much as possible. If your friends are worthy of their title, they will be doing everything in their power to make sure hot girls are coming your way all night. If you're a quality friend/wing-man, you'll want your beleaguered friend to hook up more than you'll want yourself to. While hooking up with random girls will not fill that empty void - the memories of hanging with your friends back when times were still innocent will be a welcome relief.

After you have successfully re-engaged your friends as a member of the single community, branch out and try new things. Make sure you do things that you never thought you would do, like Yoga or Karaoking or listening to the opposite sex. All the anxiety you build up from knowing you're about to embark on something that isn't really like you, will also be a welcome relief from the worries of your recent break-up. Most likely you've spent your previous relationship months and years mired in routine and doing things your mate likes - it's now time to break that routine with a vengeance!

Life has too many joys and hidden gems that we should be constantly exploring - unfortunately, we have so little time. Say 'YES' a little more to free yourself from the demons of your past. Hey, I don't have all the answers. In life, I've failed more than I've succeeded, but I know success and happiness is quite possibly around every corner and under each rock - you can be sure I'll be getting my hands dirty, no matter what life throws at me. You should do the same.

To my friends, with the utmost sincerity,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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  1. you are a fine word smith and an damned great altruistic friend to boot. Huzzah to Kevin. You made me start my morning off with a laugh.

    ~ cecile

  2. Thanks Cecile. I am such a good wordsmith, I had to look up 'esoteric' and 'altruistic' before responding.

    I will use them both in sentences today. Onamatopoeia.

  3. OMG i feel the same way about NSYNC. as much as i love JT, i REALLY miss JC! no one could rock "sailing" like he did. *sigh*

  4. but doesn't it suck when you run into Sample A and they are doing excellent and singing in a music video?

    I feel for Chris Kirkpatrick

  5. I hope you're working on a book for men allll over the world.


    Great read!

    ~Mel (I'm a lady)

  6. At Margaret: Don't worry Margaret, he may have seemed all fine in that music video, but his eyes were riddled with pain.... but maybe that was just the jizzing part....

    At Anonymous: I have pitched 30 books in my life to publishers, one book each for each year of my life. They only seemed interested in the year I was zero.


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