The Cost of Bachelorhood

Being a bachelor is expensive stuff. Girls expect so much these days! A sit-down dinner, some form of transportation, fresh breath, a shower, and the list goes on! Where I draw the line is when they expect me to remember mundane details like what they do for a living and their interests. I mean, us bachelors already have to foot the bill for dinner, drinks, and schenanigans to entertain. (Although, my reporter friend Jessica, once had a guy take her out, and at the end of the meal, he put $10 on the table and said, 'here's my share' and then looked away! Classic! He also didn't get a second date.)

Anyways, because I once took a Statistics class in college and barely passed Geometry my 2nd time around in high school, I plan to honor my teachers by wowing the world with my math skills. I've decided to calculate the cost of being a bachelor using a complicated algorithm that I have submitted to the government to be patented. I call it the 'Alan Parsons Multiplication Project.'

First, I have decided that on average (if you're lucky), you'll spend about $100 on dinner a week taking out dates (that's one date a week, you cheapos). Secondly, as swinging bachelors, you have probably allotted two nights of the week to go out with your guy friends to potentially meet someone drunk enough to make the mistake of giving you their phone number. I have found this cost to be about $50 a night. Now this is where I make my teachers proud. You take that number and 'times' it by 2. And.... that.... number....... equals..... stalling..... (need more fingers)..... (good thing for toes).... it ... equals.... $100!!! Add that to the other $100 you spend for a dinner date and you're spending $200 a week.

Now to complete the 'Alan Parsons Multiplication Project,' you multiply $200 'times' 50 weeks (minus the weeks of Thankgiving and Christmas) and viola! You are spending $10,000 a year to be a bachelor!!!! That only leaves me with $2,000 leftover from my yearly paycheck for food, lodging, and necessities. Hmmmm, let's just say I make $11,200 for sh*ts and giggles, that means I have $100 a month to spend on lotto tickets and strippers!!!

This is not good.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Math sucks!

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1 comment :

  1. Maybe some of that left over monies should be put towards an abacus for you, Kevin. Let me tell you- girls love an abacus.


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