Signs You're the Best Wingman Ever and Other Musings

It's weird not having a screenplay to work on, I have all this time on my hands right now. I don't know what to do with it. I could literally write like 3 blogs a day, but that's overkill and I really don't want you to know my innermost thoughts. They're really profound. I'm not one to brag, but my thoughts are kind of a big deal.

Like just the other day, I asked my friend if he had to choose a woman to marry based off of her ethnic background and assuming she cooks and would cook the food of her ethnic background, which would you choose? It's deep, I know and I was rightly rewarded with that look you get when you've asked a question that is just so profound and intriguing that people get excited about what their answer will be. It's hard for me to answer the question though - Most people would probably go with Italian or Mexican, but not me, I'm going with Antarctic.

Hmmm, let's see, in what other ways am I a genius in thought? (Because I surely am not in real life!) Hmmmmmmmmmmm........ ok, that's it. I give up. I had one good thought this week mixed in with thoughts of drunk dials, booze, bong resin, nudie sites, and late night Jack in a Box. I did get a lot of material sent to me about bachelorhood. Take for instance the picture below from PhotoBasement. The title of the post is 'Bad Time to Be a Wingman':

OK. OK. I know it's mean, but people send me the stuff (coworkers) and it gets a rise out of folks. I didn't say it though, and it totally throws my Rule of 13 for a loop. Then again, one party member has to be hot for that rule to take place. Here are some other good links people sent me about rating girls according to an 'Area Code' system and here's another link charting the benefits of girlfriend vs. friend with benefits. Both worth a look....

Enjoy,

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

I Like Persians!

It saddens me to hear about so much anti-American resentment around the world. Most people I've met out on vacations know the difference between the current administration's policies and the majority of the American people, but I worry about those that are less-affluent and do not travel as much.

Many of my friends in the Bay Area are Iranian and get along with many different people. I wonder if the people in Iran that cheer Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's US-bashing statements can differentiate between his policies and the American people. Likewise, the American people can also have a one-sided view of matters. I hope the American people know that President Ahmadinejad does not speak for all of the Iranian people.

Today, it was announced that the NBA has invited the Iranian National Basketball Team to come and scrimmage against NBA teams this summer in preparation for the Beijing Olympics. I love it when countries can come together in sports and hopefully spread goodwill all around!

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

My Bucket List: Crossing Off #3

After more than two years, I am excited to announce I have finished the first draft of my screenplay - all 129 pages of it! This is huge for me on many different levels. I love to write, but it had also become a task for me to figure out how to bring closure to my story and characters that I have grown to love. I've spent countless moments of my life the past two years brainstorming in my head, often times waking up in the middle of the night to jot down lines of dialogue or plot points.

I obviously have to thank my parents for allowing me to be an unemployment-check-collecting-bum living in their house rent free for that first year. I have high hopes for this script, because I had my Screen Writing professor read it when it was 3/4 of the way done and I was stuck. He's read more than 20,000 scripts as a former screenplay reader for some of the Hollywood studios and he thinks I could sell it! That really got me motivated again to finish it after months of leaving it dormant.

That's not without one caveat: I have a lot of rewriting to do. All of which I whole-heartedly agree with. His $120 fee was well-worth it. I actually am looking forward to the rewrites, but not before I do a little celebrating here on Sunday night.

I can now cross off of my lifetime to-do-list before I kick the bucket, #4, next to #3: Make out with Jessica Simpson and #5: Father Jennifer Love Hewitt's child.

I love you all, but screenplay writing has greatly affected my proper writing skills. I think I have like several paragraphs in this blog post that should not be a new paragraph. My punctuation is probably off too. Who cares!? A lot of people say they are going to do something ambitious and never get around to it. They're all talk. I can happily say that I am NOT one of those people. For at least one night - I am the freakin man! WHOOOO HOOOOO!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I will be celebrating this whole week, if anyone would like to join me for a drink, we can re-live stories of my greatness - together!

The Right Way to Go on a Beach Vacation

Since I've relegated myself to try and not travel too much this summer so that I can enjoy San Francisco, I'm really missing the beach. I've written before about the Top Singles Beaches I've been to, and my desire to eventually see all the world's best. Now I've found the perfect video that epitomizes the relaxation and free-willing spirit I get on those vacations.

Jason Mraz did an acoustic version of 'I'm Yours' a few years ago and it caught fire on the web. He finally attached it to his latest album and made a video for it. And the video does NOT dissappoint. Wind blowing through your hair, sun on the face, new people, and not a care or a schedule in the world....



I'll be checking out the South American coastline along Argentina and Brazil in October. As the great Jerry Maguire said after being fired, "who's coming with me?"

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Carne Asada Fries in the Bay Area

As many of you may know - I graduated from UCSD (without honors): home of the Padres, Pacific Beach, beautiful women, but more importantly Carne Asada Fries. Don't laugh - I'm serious. I often say I'm going to San Diego to visit my college friends, but really 55% of the reason lies within that succulent mix of french fries, cheese, carne asada, sour cream and guacamole. To top it all off, the red indistinguishable salsa is out of this world!

Every night .... err, I mean... some of the nights when I wasn't successful with the women, I really didn't care, because the thought of Carne Asada Fries would put a grin on my face from ear to ear.

"What?!?! You don't want to engage in a naked pillow fight with me tonight? Whatever."

And off I'd go skipping to the nearest Roberto's, Ramone's, El Cotixan's, you name it. They were my best friends. I'd call them Bertos, Coti and I'd order and eat and know that no other women could truly satisfy me in the same way. I'd poke it, play with it, talk to it before each bite, 'you're naughty, yes you are', before shoveling it into my mouth.

Ladies and Gentleman of the Bay Area of Northern California, I have great news: My friend, the Reverend, has convinced a San Jose burrito shop by the name of Mondo Burrito to start making Carne Asada Fries and California Burritos (carne asada, french fries). I have already tested it and have given my approval. Aesthetically, they haven't mastered the art yet as you can tell by comparing the pic below with the one from above, but the taste will fulfill your needs.

The one drawback? Mondo's is going to charge somewhere in the $8 range for the fries, which is absolutely unheard of in San Diego. Most San Diegans would never pay more than $6, but, BUT, Mondo's is using fresh Guac - so I guess there's your $2 worth. Plus, everyone in the Bay Area who created this thread on Yelp, I'm sure, would happily pay the extra $2 and save the $200 on a plane ticket to San Diego. That is, until another Mexican restaurant starts offering it.

Thank you Mondo! Because of you, I will now lose touch with all my friends in San Diego. Goodbye guys and gals, I already don't remember your names. I've posted some of your pictures below in remembrance. I'll probably miss that one girl on the left. And that guy on the right with the blonde hair.....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Goodbye Whale's Vagina - I'll miss you too.

Ladies Love the Spanish

I'm a man who prides himself on a somewhat extensive vocabulary (beer, boobs, cock, balls, etc.). So it was quite a humbling experience yesterday in my Spanish 2 class when we had to speak to each other and answer questions in Spanish. When I was talking about myself (which I love to do with all strangers), I found that my mind was much more ambitious than my Spanish vocabulary. I had to condense much of my life story to 'I like beach,' 'I like beach a lot,' 'I live in Cupertino,' 'I like eating.' This was quite frustrating, but everytime I thought of something about myself that I wanted to say, I thought better of it because I knew it would open a new can of worms that I would have no means of conveying.

I'm pretty sure everyone was saddened to not hear the story of my 4 point, 4 rebound performance against Saratoga High School my senior year. Or the story of the time I stole Monopoly money in an attempt to beat my sister at a board game. These have become classic tales revered in my mind, that are just waiting to be unleashed on the next unsuspecting female.

Speaking of females. Did I tell you my class is like 7 females and me? Granted they are almost all well over 40, I could sense a bit of desperate housewife in them as I wore my most muscley t-shirt as I pointed to abstract objects that made no sense in my telling of 'Yo vivo en Cupertino' as I flexed and pointed left and right. 'I like the beach' I would say in Spanish and point to nothing in particular, just so my muscles would flex in its peak position. I almost burst a vein in my head I tell ya!

I do have to say, I really love being back in the classroom. Who knew how much you can learn and how fun it is, when you really WANT to learn!?!? I could've made something of myself if I had this attitude as a schoolboy! Instead, I worked all my boyhood life to get to that 4 point, 4 rebound performance. That was the peak of my life.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Musings of Idiota Estudiante

Tomorrow I start my Spanish 2 class! I decided to jump to Spanish 2 since I took Spanish 1 twice in high school. Who cares if it was 13 years ago! I got a B- the second time, if I remember correctly. One of my top marks in high school!

My marks were always exemplary in classes the second time around. I just figured I wanted to get a better grasp of the knowledge before moving on and maybe help out some underclassmen along the way. Teachers loved me so much, they would always interrupt me during my teachings and ask me to sit in the front of class! I humored them by obliging. I was also always volunteered to read from the book or answer questions - thanks Seniora Dominguez-Yon. I will write the rest of this post in Spanish to honor you and my thirst for knowledge during my mid-life crisis! (Only 3 months left of my 20s - I gotta do some real stupid stuff before then. Because doing stupid stuff in your 30s just sounds pathetic.)

Hola! Me llamo Kevin. Yo Estoy Aqui. Enrique Iglesias es muy bien! Bailamos es mi favorito! Que hora es? De Donde Vive? Como te llamas? Si, si! Yo como todos los dias! Fin.

Whew... I'm tired now. My brain hurts. I think I'm going to skip my first class.....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Since I'm a student again, I might as well embrace it. Keg stands and beer bongs here I come! Am I allowed to rush a fraternity in Adult Education?

The Luster of Pre-Party

We all talk about pre-partying all the time. 'Let's pre-party before we go out to the bar,' 'Let's pre-party before we hit up the concert,' ...... today, my friend took it to another level. I was heading out to a happy hour and my friend, the Reverend Seth Orvis, says 'let's pre-party before your happy hour.' I thought that was good, but then I informed him that I was going to go out in San Francisco afterwards and be drinking then too. Then he said, 'let's pre-party for Saturday!' Mind you that it's Friday. Cheers to you Seth Orvis, my hero.

I have been drinking at the pool, but I think this is pretty funny.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I am now going to pre-party for next weekend.

How I Transfer My Narcissism

Everyone once in awhile I trade in 'excessive love for self' (I had to look it up in the dictionary. I'm a narcissist, not a genius!) and transfer it over to my company. I like to browse Facebook for 7.5 hours of each work day, but during weeks where MerchantCircle makes a press announcement, I tone it down to 5 hours and then work 10 hours on top of that. That's how much sacrifice I make for MerchantCircle. Here are some of our previous press releases - exquisitely written I must say, and the subsequent 'love from the club!' I'm hoping for some of the same later today.

Kevin Garnett summed it up best after he was asked what it was like to win the Championship Trophy with the Celtics, and he said, (but let me put it in my own words): Think back to when you were in grade school. Imagine a bully picked on you every single day. Made fun of you. Embarassed you. Shoved you. Pushed your books off your desk. Ate your lunch. Just going to school and seeing the bully put knots in your stomach. Then imagine one day after relentless torment, you stand up to the bully and with a swift blow, you knock him on his butt. That's what winning this championship feels like. That feeling you get when he's on his butt and you're standing over him. That sense of relief and joy and pride. You've won.

That's how I feel when securing that great piece of press for MerchantCircle. I don't want my name up in lights, I want MerchantCircle's name up there. All my coworkers, my teammates - it's about rewarding them for their hard work.

I love them. Going to work and hanging out with them is a joy. This is how I go to bat for them. The other 48 or so non-press weeks, I go back to loving myself.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

My Normal Saturday - As Described by My Sister

As I sit next to my sister, my future brother-in-law, and my dad watching Game 5 of the Lakers/Celtics NBA Finals during Father's Day, my sister decides she would like to write my next blog post. I agree. Here is her rendition of my life below:

Midnight: Finally get into the club after waiting outside and pre-partying
in the parking lot. Scour the crowd for interested women -- fail.

1:00:
Frantically try to get the attention of the bartender before last call. Scour
the crowd for drunk women with low standards -- fail.

2:00: Search for
greasy food -- success!

3:00: Go home fall into bed with shoes on.

6:00: wake up, kick shoes off, pee, go back to sleep.

Noon:
Calls start coming in, they are ignored.

1:00: Look at phone, decide to
sleep more.

2:00 pm: get hungry, choose sleep.

3:00 pm: The
sloth arises.

Gym, phone calls, food -- repeat.

Thanks Sis, for summing up my life so well. I will plug your version of my life into every Saturday blog post from here on out, only the name of the bar will be changed.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

My Kind of Humor!

OK, so I've got lots of kinds of humor - tongue in cheek, broad-Jay-Leno-style, dark, cheesy, sexual innuendo, smart, dumb, REALLY dumb - I just like to laugh and make people laugh. Like remember that time I told you I was soooo funny? I'm hilarious actually. It's too bad you guys don't get to hang out with me all the time. I'm pretty busy and all playing Warcraft and ruling the world.

I wish I had made this video from The Onion. Those guys are really funny sometimes.

World of Warcraft is a funny little game that all my techie nerd friends like to play. I actually think that people would buy this game:


'Warcraft' Sequel Lets Gamers Play A Character Playing 'Warcraft'

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Life in San Francisco and My New Pussy.... cat

I got up early today to explore my new neighborhood in the city. First off, it was weird getting up before 2pm - I can't believe how many people are so wide awake at that hour! They wanted to talk to me, but I would just grunt.

I really, REALLY like the Lower Pac Heights area on Filmore. I ate at this place called The Grove that was pretty sweet. Only it was so busy, the only seat I could get was facing a pillar. So much for people watching. The weather is awesome though. My car bumper ALREADY got scratched last night. Oh well, what can you do....

I have some really chill roommates, a guy and a girl cousin combo, who I have barely seen in my two weekends here. That's probably a combination of my sleeping hours and them living their lives. They have this black cat named Lucky that listens to commands. It's quite amazing. For instance, I'll say "Get off my BEDDD!" and Lucky will obey. Or "Get back in the house!!" or "Stop trying to claw at my eyeballs!!!" Such a great cat.

My roommates also have one of those dry erase boards that says "Who loves to play beer pong!?" And a quote that's written "I'll do a body shot off Lucky." - Kyle. These are my type of people.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Country Music is a Hidden Wonderland

I just got done with my first weekend of living in San Francisco and I am flat-out exhausted. I will be a poor, sleepless man, if everyone weekend is this expensive and fun. I probably spent close to $400 this weekend. That economic stimulus check sure didn't last very long, but I hope I did my part in stimulating the economy, starting with every beer garden at Union Street Fair.

Next weekend will probably not be any better, as Kenny Chesney, Brooks & Dunn and Leann Rimes roll into town at AT&T park. The cheap seats at that concert are $77 and don't even get me started on how much beers are at concerts. Factoring in an all-day concert, and I may have to take out a loan before the weekend starts. (I am sitting in my mom's kitchen right now, because this is what I do after expensive weekends - steal food from my family. I'm like the opposite of Robin Hood. Too bad she's not here to tell me funny stories.)

I love country music, and for every guy out there who doesn't know - country concerts are the single-best venue, next to Vegas, with THE hottest girls. So next time, stop yourself short when you say, 'I like all music EXCEPT country.' This isn't your father's country anymore. It's a lot more hip and sexy. Give it a whirl, you might like it.... or at the very least score some bonus points.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Sex and the City = Sausage Fest Weekend

As every girl I know is gearing up to gather with their girlfriends to watch the premiere of Sex and the City this weekend, there will be some inadvertent effects rippling through our social economy. First of all, supermarket shelves will be light in the departments of Cranberry Juice, Lime Juice, Triple Sec, and Vodka - all the ingredients to a Cosmopolitan. Us guys could care less, as long as the there is still Pabst Blue Ribbon and Natural Ice left.

What WILL effect us, is that at first, you may think 'hey, guys night out!' Then you'll realize that every girl will be at the movie theatre with her 15 girlfriends, so you'll hit the bar and see ALL these guys, with THEIR guy's night out. It'll be a disaster and nightmare for men, as we don't normally like to talk to each other much. Fights will break out because of all the testoserone and it'll be ANARCHY!

What will matter the most following the movie, is whether Carrie Bradshaw (Sarah Jessica Parker.... shoot, don't act all shocked. This kind of knowledge helps us guys!), ends up with the Mr. Big and gets all gushy and sweet, or if she cruises off, enjoying the single life! If it's the latter, no guy gets any lovin from their girlfriends that night. She will be out ALL night hanging with her girls. If she ends up with Mr. Big, expect some phone calls from your girl because she misses you.

If you do happen to be a bachelor, the best place to be is the movie theatre for every showing of Sex and the City. Listen in on what girls talk about so that you can tell them exactly what they want to hear. Kind of like when Matt Dillon tells Cameron Diaz in There's Something About Mary, that Harold and Maude is the 'greatest love story of our time.' Be sure you creepily follow the hottest group of girls to the bar they are going to afterwards and give me a call. You can be my wingman anyday! Sike.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. 'Sike' was the best word ever. Let's bring it back. Sike.

My Life as a Failure

Nobody really liked the vulnerable, introspective Silicon Valley Bachelor. When I wrote this blog post, everyone left these comments as if I was going to commit suicide. One of my best friends said I was depressing. Well DEPRESS THIS MOFO'S!!!! I think I am going through a third-life crisis (I'm almost 30... or midlife crisis, if I live to 60).

So I decided to rent a place for the summer in the city, so that I wouldn't have any regrets when I'm old. For all the time I spent living in Podunk towns in the US, I decided I earned it. I'm still going to live in the Cupertino during the week, but it'll be on like Donkey Kong on the weekends.

But that's not all! It's like my life will end at 30. I also signed up for Spanish classes and Guitar classes during the week - all the things I started and never followed-through with. And two years from the time I started my screenplay, I will be finishing the first draft sometime this month.

If only I had this much fervor in life at an earlier age, I might have made something of myself. Instead, I shall fade into the sunset, acting like I have never tasted alcohol in my life, with each passing moment. It's too late for me... but you kids still have a shot in life. Use me as the benchmark for failure and chase your dreams!

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Sillicon Valley Bachelor

The World's Easiest Women: Iceland

Ok, ok, so I haven't been there, nor do I condone such blasphemous behavior as female exploitation - but I feel it is my duty as the 'Silicon Valley Bachelor' to inform you of places to 'attract the interest' of the opposite sex. Since there are no good places in Silicon Valley, let's look at a hidden gem (so I'm told): Iceland!!! Before you have a hearty chuckle, let me tell you of the ramblings of one of my coworkers.

Skeptically, I listened to him as he told me of untold riches in the form of Nordic, blonde hair, blue-eyed, curvaceous girls in a region that is ill-named. I have written about hotspots to go around the world, but this place apparently tops them all. According to him, the girls approach you and if you don't happen to be blonde and blue-eyed, you'll stick out - which is a good thing. You see, Iceland is one of the most geneticially pure countries in the world. I mean, heck, how many Icelandic immigrants have you met? Ever heard of anyone moving there?

A country of 300,000, I decided to do some research of my own and sure enough, I found stories that supported the outrageous claims of my coworker. Apparently, Iceland is a Matriarchal society, where women rule the family. They are independent and unafraid of making the first move. They view sex, as no big deal. Of course, as a former journalist, I must examine both sides and I am certain that this does not represent the entire country. Take this interview on Oprah for example, where a woman has a cow that her country's women are perceived as hoochie mamas. (She didn't say hoochie mamas, but I like those words - so lets go with it.) You will also find what you are looking for in that interview about social norms for women and men.

Here's another blog post that's excellent from a guy, who lays out why the country is the way it is. Did you know that Iceland has had three Miss Universes!?!? For a country of 300,000, that's pretty darn impressive. (Thanks Carlo for that scintillating stat!)

Read this guy's 'day in the life' travel story in Iceland. This proved that my coworker wasn't really as outrageous as I thought. But be prepared: if you want to head to Iceland, the drinks are in the $15-$20 range, and as of today, a ticket to Iceland from SFO is nearly $2,000! That's like 4,000 Jack in a Box Tacos!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

I Love Black Women

I love black women. They own me - literally.

I told this story today at work that everyone seemed to thoroughly enjoy at my expense. For me, I laugh at the experience, but it's a laugh that's secretly riddled with pain and anguish. It all happened in the 5th grade when I was on the Merry-Go-Round. I was young, carefree, maybe even a little reckless. I was a champion 'red light/green light' player, and excellent at 'four corners.' Needless to say, those skills have translated to untold riches for me.

Anyway, it was was my rightful turn on the Merry-Go-Round, when I decided that I would take my rightful place and spin to my heart's content! It was a short-lived dream. I decided I would take my place by removing a gal by the name of 'Stephanie Smith'. (Nervous chuckle). We shoved back and forth a bit, as I wedged my way into her former section of the Merry-Go-Round. She pushed me off. I landed on my feet. I pushed her back and before I knew it, I saw a flurry of punches. I saw three, but felt twelve. You remember that scene in The Matrix when Agent Smith repeatedly punches Neo in the Subway. I was Neo.

I was on my butt before I knew it. But I will tell you, she outweighed me by at least 50 pounds, the hill was slanted in her favor, and the sun was in my eye. I will also tell you another thing, I was ready to unleash a world of pain if it hadn't been for that teacher who got in my way! I think I've gotten over it quite well. It was the last fight I've even been in. Emotionally, I'm a rock. So what? A girl got in a few lucky shots. It doesn't matter that she was black either. Who cares? It only happened 19 years, 3 months and five days ago.

But I will tell you this - if Condoleeza Rice were to run for President and told me to vote for her - I would do it.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Lover (Not Fighter)

P.S. Hey Stephanie, if you come across this blog post, I hope you're doing good! I miss you. You're so awesome. I don't live in Silicon Valley either, it's just fictional. Um, I live in Florida - bye.

My Mom is Funny

My mom is the funniest person I know. She has been making me laugh all my life. Tonight, I was sitting at the table with my dad and she comes over to give me a kiss on the cheek and points at my dad and says, 'I love you more than him, because you have my blood and he doesn't' - and then proceeds to push him away even though he is sitting in a stationary spot, minding his own business.

She then said if I finished eating a pear, that I wouldn't have to pay my dad back for a $260 insurance payment. Yummy..... this is the best pear I've ever eaten in my life!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Loosely Defined World of COUGARitaville

I like me a Cougar! They make you feel so good about yourself and treat you like a piece of meat. Well, with that fine piece of wisdom said, I just got back from a conference in Seattle and I always make time for my good friends at Call Genie. (To protect the innocent, their names have been changed). So Mark McCormell calls Cherie McMichaels a Cougar (can you guess which one she is above?). Cherie of course looks like she's 23, but in actuality is in her early 30s. She's dating a guy a couple of years younger, so I wondered whether the term 'Cougar' now has a broadened definition that encompasses any woman dating a younger man.

For the record, reliable sources (College Humor) have dubbed the definition of a cougar as:

Definition: A Cougar is a female, usually between thirty and fifty years-old, who enjoys the sexual company of younger men.

Breeding Habits: Cougars are only usually interested in men under the age of twenty-five. Also, Cougars are non-committal, choosing to move from mate to mate without ever settling down. It is not uncommon for the same Cougar to attack (sleep with) many different men in the same group of friends. Furthermore, Cougars are older and more practiced in the ways of snaring a mate so they will rarely broadcast their intentions to sleep with you until you are already in her Jetta, headed for the condo she just bought. It is this elusive behavior that earns her the name "Cougar."

Habitat: Cougars are most often found in bars and other places where alcohol is freely distributed. She can be seen lurking in the shadows, selecting their prey with the precision of a laser-guided missile. Most often, she will have some sort of fruity concoction with a high alcohol content in her hand (see: Appletini), and a slim cigarette dangling from her heavily made-up lips.

Appearance: The Cougar, at first, appears like most older women one sees: slightly drooping breasts, somewhat leathery skin, lightly sunken eyes and clothes just a few years behind the fashion. On closer inspection however, one finds that the Cougar has taken care to make herself appear younger: the makeup is thicker, the clothing is tighter and the perfume is stronger. She clearly has spent hours stuffing her not-18 anymore body into that leather skirt and halter top and desperation reflects that.

Psyche: The Cougar is a complex emotional creature. Remember, most of her friends are probably married and have kids by now. This, naturally, leaves her feeling lonely and useless, which explains her need for companionship. However, being an older woman, she is at the peak of her sexual ability which is why she preys on younger men (who are also at the peak of their sexual ability). This odd pairing -Cougar and twenty-three year old guy - can be seen at last call in bars all over the
country every weekend.

As I am well-impressed with the definition given, I'm going to go with it, but I would have to disagree with my friend Mark - Cherie does not reek of Cougarism. I'm going to say in order to be a Cougar, you have to have at least shown some signs of aging - to which Cherie hasn't. The term is thrown out there so much these days, I wonder if it is even offensive? I sure hope not. Cherie seemed ok with it. But inside, maybe she was fuming - who knows? Her coworker Jolie Mizerati then asked me whether she looked older than Cherie, to which I am no great fool. So using my razor sharp canine senses, I quickly said 'I don't know' and looked away.

Miss Jolie also informed me that if she didn't know me, she would hate me from reading my blog, citing evidence of cockiness! I argued adamantly that I am very self-deprecating, very humble, and would never, EVER tout my amazing virtues. Ridiculous..... And for the record, you DO look older than Cherie - B*TCH!!!!

Just kidding, hahaha, I am SOOOO funny. My next post will be about how funny I am.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. I love you Jolie, you're my favorite - next to Mark and Cherie.

My Love for a Whale's Vagina

I recently returned to the town where I became a man. (Pause for Emphasis)

(I left some blank space for dramatic effect too). It's such a memorable time when you move away from home for the first time, learn to ignore bills that come in the mail, use your tuition money for food and booze, read textbooks over your classmates shoulders, wake up whenever you feel like it..... wait a second, ok, apparently my growth to manhood is not yet complete. Where was I? Ahh yes, returning to San Diego, greatest city in the history of mankind. Discovered by the Germans in 1904 - they named it San Diego - which of course, in German means, a Whale's Vagina. But don't take my word for it, who better to trust than Ron Burgundy?


Well, I hadn't been to a Whale's Vagina in a couple of years, and turns out - I REALLY missed it. I was there for my good friends, Ross and Channel's wedding, and met up with about 30 of my old college buddies. It was a freakin' blast. I ate Carne Asada Fries three times in 48 hours and if any of you know me, you'll know that I frequently ask friends to bring me Carne Asada Fries if they're coming from San Diego. (Note: No one has yet to take me up on the offer, probably because they think I'm joking, but I would never joke about something as serious as Carne Asada Fries. I love them.) Smothered in succulent, tender morsels of Carne Asada, topped with guacamole, sour cream, and gobs of heart-stopping cheese, I live to pour red salsa like only my three favorite Mexicans know how to make - Sr. Cotixan, Sr. Roberto, y Sr. Ramon. (Impressed with my 'y'? Don't forget, I took Spanish 1, three times in high school.)

Besides my Carne Asada Fries comas, a side note was the wedding that got in the way of eating my fries. I love those guys and gals I went to college with, it was like a reunion. And everytime I'd come out of my alochol-induced blackouts, it'd be like a reunion all over again. I avoided a near disaster when I almost dropped the groom's mom on her head while dancing. Luckily the table was there to cushion our fall. We had an awkward laugh about it during Sunday brunch - ahhh, good times.

After brunch, we headed over to Pacific Beach and hung out all day and hit balls back and forth using a paddle. I'm not sure what the game is called, but me and my friend Bryce really sucked. Of course we were drinking some weird concoction of booze in a thermos all day. I swear, we hit the same girl like 8 times with that red ball. Of course, it's always a great first line when you can go up to someone and say, "I'm sorry I keep hitting you with my balls."

Man, I really, REALLY didn't grow up.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor