Silicon Valley Bachelor

How to Avoid a DUI Conviction

2012-02-01T18:20:00.000-08:00

SVB Foreword:
Because I have an extreme vetting process when it comes to whom I allow to be my friends, almost 50% of those in my inner circle have a DUI. It's almost so commonplace that we speak about it as if it were just something we did this weekend. "Went shopping at Santana Row, ate Sushi at Blowfish, got a DUI, woke up in jail with a hangover, and watched football all day on Sunday. What did you do?" My cousin's girlfriend, who is a DUI lawyer, wrote this and I was shocked at all the rights we actually have! Normally, when I get pulled over, I immediately throw the keys outside, exit the vehicle with my hands in the air, insert the needles from the taser gun into my chest and hand the other end to the officer to makes things easier for him. Welp, now I know!

We all know that the best way to avoid a DUI conviction is to not drink and drive. But we also live in a social age where alcohol is an inevitable part of dinners, parties, and after-work events. While we certainly don’t condone drinking and driving, we can offer some practical advice to avoiding a DUI conviction should you find yourself in this situation.

1. Don’t give police officers ANY reason to pull you over. That includes dark tints, loud music, driving with your headlights off, talking on your cell phone, not having your seat belt on, or breaking any other traffic rule. This applies to you AND your passengers. An officer can pull you over if one of your passengers isn’t buckled in or has his or her body hanging out of the window. Don’t draw unnecessary attention to yourself, follow the rules of the road, and make sure your passengers are well behaved.

2. Know your rights and exercise them. As a rule of thumb, don’t give police officers more evidence to use against you, if you can exercise the right not to. Why give them evidence that could be used against you when you don’t have to? Your statements may be taken out of context, your poor performance on field sobriety tests may be exaggerated, and your breath test result may not be accurate. So why risk it?
• You DO NOT have to answer any of the officer’s questions. You don't have to tell the officer where you’re coming from, if you had anything to drink, what you had to drink, etc.
• You DO NOT have to take any field sobriety tests. You don't need to take the eye test, or any other test they ask you to take.
• If you’re over 21 years old and you’re not on probation for a prior DUI conviction, you DO NOT have to take the handheld breath test at the scene.
• All these things at the scene are VOLUNTARY. The tricky thing is, police officers won’t tell you that these things are voluntary, and they’ll get upset if you don’t do what they ask. But that doesn’t change the fact that these things are voluntary so stand your ground.
• The ONLY thing that’s you're required to do is take the blood or breath test you're asked to take at the station.

3. Be polite and conscious of your behavior. Being rude, defensive, or talking too much can never help you, but it sure can hurt you.
• If you’re rude, defense, or obnoxious, you’ll blow any chance you have at leniency and the officer may even make it a point to make you pay for what you did. The officer will also remember you and the details of your investigation, making him an excellent witness for the prosecution.
• Many police cars are now equipped with video cameras that record your driving on the road and the DUI investigation that follows. Many police officers have microphones in their uniforms that record the conversations you have with him or her. So be polite, cooperative, and conscious of your behavior because if there’s video, the prosecutor will see it and if your case goes to trial, the judge and jury will see it. Trust me, being an ass will make the prosecutor and the jury dislike you. But on the flip side, if you behave in a manner that supports your position that the officer was mistaken about your sobriety, it can be helpful in defending your case.

4. If you can, try gathering evidence that could potentially help you.
• Try to find and gather evidence to support your position that the officer was mistaken about your sobriety. Get the names and contact information of witnesses who saw how many drinks you had that night or were present during your investigation. If possible, get the information of people who have no relation to you and therefore, have no reason to lie.
• Again, be conscious of the way you behave because it might be recorded. As a rule, try not to behave the way you normally do if you think that kind of behavior could be mistaken for being under the influence. If you naturally slur when you speak, try to speak as articulately as possible so you’re not mistaken for being under the influence. If you normally walk in an unsteady manner due to a physical injury, try to walk as steady as you can. If you usually slouch and doze off in the car, try to sit upright and stay awake because they can have cameras in the backseat.
• When you’re given the opportunity to make a phone call, consider calling yourself and leaving yourself a voicemail. If your speech is clear and articulate and not “slow and slurred” as your police report says, it could be used to help you.

5. Decide the best course of action for you.
• When a police officer pulls you over and smells alcohol, the officer has already made up his or her mind that you were driving under the influence. All they’re doing is gathering evidence to support their conclusion. Even if you don’t give them the evidence they’re looking for, you'll get arrested. But if you do everything the officer asks you to do, you would’ve given them all this evidence to use against you. So think about your circumstances, the tips discussed here, and decide what the best course of action is for you.
• These tips are designed to inform you of your rights and to encourage you to consider exercising them. You’re not required to follow them and doing so won’t guarantee that you’ll win your case. But keeping them in mind could certainly help, so SHARE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LAW OFFICE OF CINDY PARK. For more DUI-related tips and information, check out http://www.facebook.com/CaliforniaDUI.

Btw, this may only pertain to LA. As a very unaccomplished journalist, I tend not to do any background research or get confirmation from a second source. Happy drivings!

Sincerely,
KL
SVB

The Disappearing Girl Friend

2012-01-30T10:22:00.000-08:00

I've expressed my top annoyances of people's behavior, and also written about that atrocious Facebook thing you do, but this one is more disappointing than annoying. We've all grown accustomed to knowing several girls like this (and even some guys), that we no longer are outraged. We just give one of those sighs and a shrug, like "what else can you do?" I'm talking about those sons of b*tches who disappear when they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. And then, if they do appear, they MUST bring their significant other, robbing you of valuable "catch-up" time.

Frankly, most of those fair-weather people have been eliminated from my life. The remaining friends I have are good ones - ones who will bail you out of jail (for the 12th time), let you sleep on the couch until 3pm, won't yell at you when finding out you've been using their hair clippers to do some manscaping, pay for your drinks when you've "forgotten" your credit card "again", and get that bouncer to loosen up on the strangle-hold when you were only trying to "suggest" that he go to hell.

I have lots of girl friends - finding great value in keeping it a platonic relationship, despite their obvious interest in my family jewels. They're only human. Girls take several layers of desperation off, just by being with you at a bar - not to mention they offer excellent advice and an outlet where you can leave the machismo (normally present with your guy friends) at home. (More benefits here.) Some of my favorite friends are actually girls. That's why it saddens me on those few occasions where one of my girl friends will get into a relationship, and then drop off the face of the earth.

And most of the time, it's not because of a jealous boyfriend, it's mostly about a girl who doesn't want to give her man any inkling of concern - granted I am a rugged, dashing, un-flinchingly charismatic lothario. And it's not just girl on guy, but girl on girl (heheheehe) disappointment. Ladies (and men), stop me if you've heard these lines (okay, don't stop me, because I'll keep going):

- I'd LOVE to hang out! Just let me talk to _____ when he gets home and we can figure out what works.

- I can't meet up next weekend, I went out last week for lunch and I don't think _____ will be too happy if....

- I would, but ______ has a work function.

- I'd go to the game with you, but I'd feel bad leaving ______ at home.

- Hey! ______ is out of town this weekend on business! What are you doing?

Geez, Louise! Get a f*cking life of your own! Your friend was there for you listening to all your sob stories about how your ex did so and so. Your friend was there for you to pick up the pieces and take you out dancing and drinking. Your friend was there for you as a wingman to take the 325 pound grenade who wanted to cuddle all night. Your friend was there for you when you met ______!!!!! I feel more sorry for girls, who have to deal with this kind of behavior from their girl friends all the time.

If your guy/gal is any good, he'll understand you hanging out with your friends. Trust. That's what relationships are about. If you don't have it, then don't get married. Ultimately, it's not about the significant other. It's mostly about the weak friend who made his/her own choice to NOT make time for you anymore. I don't ever blame the sig other - we make our own choices.

In observing some of my closest friends (who seemingly have the best relationships), both members always make SOME time for their friends on one-on-one situations. Girl's night. Guy's night. That's important. Don't be like Eva Longoria and Tony Parker who had a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. You see what happened to their relationship. Don't be like Heidi Klum and Seal, covering up their relationship's flaws with excessive PDA, jealousy, and the need to be photographed together at all times. You have a healthy relationship when you spend time continuing to grow as an individual - and you can't do that by spending ALL your time with one person. But besides that, your friends deserve better. I guess they can be forgiven for having such faith that their friendship and dedication to you would be rewarded. Or, I guess not.

Next time your friend (guy or girl) asks you out to meet up, leave the sig other at home. At the VERY LEAST, tell the spouse "I haven't seen _____ in awhile, we're going to grab some drinks for happy hour to catch up, but why don't you come meet us for dinner after?" It's important to your friend and it should be important to you too.

Sincerely,
KL
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Trying to Sell a Screenplay in Hollywood?... More Rewarding Than You Think

2012-01-25T13:35:00.000-08:00

Trying to sell a screenplay in LA is probably one of the more difficult endeavors one can pursue. Yet, every year, millions of people watch a movie and think to themselves, "I can write a movie better than that..." And, of those millions, thousands actually attempt it - even less complete it. And, of those thousands, maybe a handful actually make it. But, 99.999999999999999% of them will never make it in that first year. Or the second. Or the third. My friend, Sara, sold a movie script, has an Emmy, came from within "the industry" and still has not had a smooth ride. I don't know if I was naive to think I could actually "make it" when I chose to move to LA for several months last year, but I'll tell you one thing: it was one of the best experiences of my life.

Oh, don't get me wrong - I DIDN'T make it. But I tried.

I see people who hate going into work every day, or count down the days on Facebook until the weekend, and I feel like people can make a choice. I guess I've always been fortunate that I worked in professions that were of my choosing. I had a fair amount of success in my chosen industries - Television News and Public Relations - and by "success," I don't mean money. I worked them because I loved what I was doing. And with that, the money came on its own. I wasn't motivated by wanting to drive a fancy car, wear expensive clothing, or make more money than my neighbors. What I wanted, and continue to want, is to be inspired, more than anything.

When I left the comforts of my home to move to LA, I had a screenplay in hand - a story that I thought was something I would go and pay money to watch. Now, I could only find one documented story on the web about anyone selling their FIRST and ONLY screenplay, and while I fully realized my chances of failure, I took the plunge anyway. Some writers had sold later screenplays they wrote, became successful, then were able to sell their first, but not their first when it was their only. It has everything to do with getting better at something the more you do it. Oh well.

Star Struck is the story of a struggling actor who pays a troubled Hollywood starlet to pretend to date him so that he can become famous. I think of it as a very marketable romantic-comedy. A little bit of everything for both the male and female gender. For the males, we were enamored with Entourage - a show that gave us a glimpse of what it would be like to be a movie star, everything from the fame, women, sex, partying, and friends. That's what I wanted to capture and give to my audience with my male lead. In the Hollywood starlet, I wanted to capture the culture that the world has become engrossed in: the Paris Hilton's, Lindsay Lohan's, Britney Spears'-train-wrecks of the worlds who have made TMZ, PerezHilton, and USWeekly mainstream names. I wanted to see the colliding of an honest everyday-man meeting the reckless world of a hard partying Hollywood diva, with both characters learning something about themselves on the way to falling in love. I saw it as Can't Buy Me Love meets Notting Hill meets Entourage.

Having now written a second screenplay, I can see that my writing definitely wasn't there. The language and dialogue could've been more succinct, less-forced, more clever, but I still believe 100% that the concept is sound and marketable. One of my main hobbies every weekend (besides excessive drinking and lewd comments in public) is predicting how well the weekend's new releases will perform, and I do quite well. I also do well in other predictions, like when I suspected that Facebook would be successful in 2010, and that there would be an iPad 2 following the iPad 1. I KNOW the concept of Star Struck is a good one - maybe one day my script writing skills will catch up.

Ultimately, to some, it may seem like a failure. Indeed, I do deem it a failure, in that I didn't get my screenplay sold. But I deem the entire venture to be a success. I went and met a ton of great people in the industry, I learned about things I never knew before, I wrote my second screenplay, I rekindled old friendships from high school and college, became even better friends with some, made new friends, tried new things, tasted new foods, but most importantly, I continued to dream, to hope, and to love.

I don't know if I'll ever sell a screenplay, but attempting to write one and completing it was like a childhood dream come true. Do you remember the elaborate fantasies in your mind about being a princess or a warrior, a cowboy or a cowgirl, playing house or in outer-space, and the scenarios you'd envision? How great was it to act it all out as a child and have everything happen exactly as you wanted it? Seriously, think back to that time. Imagine it. Too often in our lives, we hope for things to work out a certain way and they don't. I got to create a world on that paper, with characters I grew to love, and in the end, they lived happily ever after.

That's what I wish for you.

I live my dream every day, and while screenplay writing is back to being a hobby for me, I am working on an internet startup that is my current passion. Every day for you shouldn't get you towards that objective, but should START with "happily ever after..." Remember that.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

SVB

8 Reasons Why You're Still Single

2012-01-20T07:41:00.000-08:00

As I long since ran out of magnets on my refrigerator for all the new baby pic postcards and joyful holiday couple cards from my friends, it's given me ample opportunity to muse why some of my female friends are single and why others aren't. I'd also like to take a moment to note the controversial and possibly insensitive nature of this post as a reason for why I am also not currently married. With that said, let us begin.

1. You Have Expensive Taste - If you're making $32K a year and we see you wearing Gucci, Prada, and driving a brand-new Mercedes SLK, we're probably going to see this relationship as unsustainable. I've read somewhere that financial stress is a leading cause of divorce. I don't know if this is true, nor will I do any research on the matter since I am currently eating a pizza with my left hand and I am a self-dubbed "expert on relationships," but it sure does make sense, doesn't it? Us guys see that expensive taste and cut our losses after that first $200 date, where you ordered nothing but Grey Goose Cosmos. One, it tells us you have fallen for an overrated, marketing scheme vodka, and, two, you had no concern for the $14-a-drink vodka that is basically void when mixed with juices. Go for Ketel or Stoli if you want to impress a guy. That will only set us back $12-a-drink, but at least we'll know you get it.

2. You Had Sex With Us on the First Date - Wow. If I have a daughter one day, that is something that I will start teaching her at 3 years old. We will role play saying "no" on day 1095 of her life.

Me: "Okay, now what do you say when a guy talks to you?"
Her: "No!"
Me: "Good, now what do you think of poles?"
Her: "They're gross!"
Me: "Perfect, now go run off and play and never grow up."

I'd like to think that I have the grace of a puma, the balls of a honey badger, and the charm of Scott Baio, but when a girl puts out on the first date, I gotta think she's been with hundreds of guys. That's not something I like going through my head. If you want to know if a guy loves you so, it's not in his kiss, Cher was lying - trust me - I fake it all the time. You will find out whether a guy likes you if he has enough respect to wait for you. I'm not saying make him wait forever, but a good four whole dates should suffice. Then again, there are exceptions, if you knew each other before, got set up by good, mutual friends, etc. blah blah blah. So don't email me saying, "WTF! Me and my husband had sex on the first date!"

3. You're Dramatic - Of all my girl friends who are married, I don't think I have ever witnessed, or can imagine, them snapping their fingers and going, "Whaaaaat?!?! Oh no she did-UNT!!!" The flair for the dramatics is something that a guy just doesn't warm up to - much like the baby-voice. In fact, when a girl starts getting angry at me - for forgetting her name, throwing up on her shirt, trying to put my tongue in her mouth, etc. - it makes me calmer, which makes girls angrier. It's like they want to see you rise up to their level of dramatics, so they don't look like the only crazy one at the bar. Other signs? When they're constantly demanding, issuing directives instead of subtle suggestions, or interrupting football games with trivial things like, "the baby is throwing up! I think we need to go to the hospital!"

4. You're Too Superficial - Now I know that everyone says you shouldn't settle, but almost 50% of the girls I knew in college ended up with guys they would've laughed at back in the day. The guys they married are going to put them on a pedestal and probably never cheat on them - because those guys scored above their looks-bracket. Would they have gotten the same thing with a guy they could've gotten in college?!?! Well, it's not college anymore. And those guys are probably hosting several venereal diseases, unemployed, and blogging in Silicon Valley for a living. That guy may give you passionate highs and lows, unbelievable witticisms, and devastating good looks, but it's questionable whether he'll ever give you the stability of a guy who will worship you.

5. You're Bitter and Negative - If you find yourself aggressively trash-talking people once they walk away, you should do some inner-soul-searching. If your thoughts constantly stream towards what that "b*tch" has and what you don't, or if you're more focused on why you deserve something and she doesn't - that's just not healthy. That negativity carries through to the rest of your life in bad ways and, in particular, rears its ugly head in the form of, "You didn't just... Already?!?! I didn't even get to finish yet!!!" That's your problem. You just need to learn to finish faster.

6. You Don't Have Your Own Thing - I stole that line from NeYo. I've actually quoted him like four times now in separate blog posts. Next to Chris Brown's "Yeah 3X" - NeYo occupies the rest of my Top 10 playlist - although Michael Buble is #10. Anyhow, guys need their alone times. That's why girls need to have their own friends, who do their own sets of things, with their own jobs, and their own hobbies. It gives us guys the chance to do all those secret things we don't tell you about. Sure, there are some clingy, jealousy guys who don't want their girls to EVER do their own thing, that's when you girls should actually run (but I'll write about that next time in a post titled: "Guys You Should Avoid"). When you have your own thing, the conversation can only be THAT much better at the dinner table and when you're alone, because you're both evolving as people apart and together.

7. You Don't Pay Attention to Detail - This runs the gamut. It may be that you don't ever ask us any questions, preferring to always talk about yourself. It could also be that you have slight B.O. - which is gross and reminds me of that commercial that goes, "strong enough for a man, made for a woman". You should do some research and buy that product. Or, it could be you have bad breath, hairy arms, smelly vagina, repulsive eating habits, or you fart or burp like a sailor. (I snuck "smelly vagina" in there between less offensive traits. Good one, huh?!) We want to know that we're dating a woman - let us hold onto that belief, even after years of marriage, babies, and regular trips to Fresh Choice on Friday.

8. You Party Harder Than Us - This topic has gotten its own, complete, separate blog post, but guys don't want to end up with a girl who gets drunker than they do. And if a girl were to get drunker than me, that would mean she was probably close to death and incapacitated to the point where her movements resemble that of an infant child. It's a major buzzkill to know that you have to be the responsible party every night. If not, she just may end up with one of those sleazy guys who's the wallflower every night until "last call," when he suddenly appears out of nowhere ready to pounce on the drunkest girls. Don't be that girl. On another note, don't be that guy. You're gross and you should go to jail.

Now, there's a lot of honorable mentions, like, you don't give blowjobs, you don't put yourself in situations to meet guys, your guy just broke up with you after 10 years of dating, or you chose an ambitious career path and finding a guy isn't your top priority, but these are the core differences I see in the women who line my refrigerator and the women wondering why they aren't married yet. You can definitely stick with who you are and stay true to the mantra, "he better love me for who I am!!!"

But then again, the way you said that statement in my head is in direct violation of #1, 3, 5, and 7 on the list.

I don't have all the answers. I only have most of them. Just remember, don't have sex on the first date. Unless he sings you Peter Cetera at karaoke...

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Farting and Burping in a Relationship

2012-01-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

I have a confession. When I was a young boy I couldn't burp or fart around my friends. It was quite sad actually, because, as most young boys know, it was a source of amusement and a status symbol for how long and loud you could fart or burp. I might as well not even have existed and continued to hide in the closet with my sister's naked Barbies. Sigh. Physically, I couldn't burp. My friends would tell me to drink lots of soda. Didn't work. Suck in lots of air. Didn't work. Shove a plunger up my ass. Didn't work. I was relegated to making a pathetic-sounding noise in my throat, that under loud freeway conditions, might've been believable as a burp. But never the type where your friends would "ewww" in agreement, or laugh about. Heck, I couldn't even blow it in someone's face, because then I would be "outed" for the fraud I was!!! I'm SOOOOO ASHAMMMEED!!!!

As for farting, I just have never really been comfortable farting around people. How does one attain such comfortability!?!? If I had tried to force one out as a kid, I probably would've shat myself and hope that I wasn't wearing shorts that day. I would've told my Mom that the color from the fruit of the Fruit of the Loom ran together to form brown and that it was ridiculous that a boy of my age would still poop in his pants.

Fast forward 20 years. If you ask any of my previous lovers or friends whether they have heard me fart, I would be shocked if they said that they did. Burping, on the other hand, eventually came around. I don't know what happened, but if I get mildly full, I just can't help but let 'em rip. It's too bad my 5th grade friends can't see me now!!! I'll show you, you little motherf*ckers!!!! Not being able to burp is an illness, NOT SOMETHING TO TORMENT A LITTLE BOY ABOUT!!!!

Back to farting. I have witnessed many of my friends fart around their girlfriends/wives, much to everyone's amusement. It's obvious that I have the classiest set of friends, but how long does it actually take before you're allowed to fart around a lover? I can't say that I have ever had a girl do that around me and I'm not sure I would like it. On the other hand, did that first fart start out as a major embarrassment? Something to never be spoken again?!?! Or was it something like, "whoops!" Then everyone bursts out laughing!??!

The only times I have farted is when you're laying in bed in the middle of the night and you fart, and you jerk awake as if it were a seizure. First, I'm like, "where the f*ck am I!?!?" Then I'm like, "oh yeah, I hooked up with that train wreck from last night! Sh*t!" You then listen for the sound of her breath and hope it's deep enough that you escaped notice. The worst is when the bathroom at your new lover's house doesn't have a loud vent and/or is located too near to the bedroom. WTF was the architect thinking?!?! Those are the ones who MUST be comfortable farting at all times, because they obviously have no consideration for those with a flatulistic conscience. GO TO HELL, DUMB ARCHITECT!!!

(I made up that word, "flatulistic", in case you were wondering. It reminds me of when Martin Lawrence told Tim Robbins that his wife was "monogamistically challenged" in Nothing to Lose - which is one of the most underrated comedies of our time. Who knew you could come to this website to learn new words!!?!)

So, if anyone could tell me how this fart comfortability evolution happens, I would LOVE to learn about something I don't know. Because it's beginning to look odd how often I excuse myself to go somewhere - "Excuse me, I think I forget to water the plants outside, I'll be right back." In exchange, I will share with you what a plunger feels like up the bunghole.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
SVB

6 People I'd Like to See Disappear in 2012

2012-01-05T00:57:00.000-08:00

I like to start every year with negativity. It's a trait my Mother taught me when she would belittle less fortunate people when they were out of earshot. It makes me feel better about my own life. With that nugget of knowledge now imparted on you, I shall name the people I would like to see "disappear" this year.

Tim Tebow - A lot of people take it as an affront on religion, but people's hatred for Tim Tebow has nothing to do with religion. It does have everything to do with the fact that he's trying to shove something down our throats by his unfiltered, virginous, bring-an-apple-to-the-teacher-every-day-type actions. I would be just as annoyed, if some atheist was like, "Before I answer that question, I'd like to thank my performance to my strong beliefs that there is NO God. I killed it out there today, while my teammates barely did a thing. Once again, No God. All me." Or, "I'd like thank my big Buddha in the sky. That morbidly obese Teddy Bear gave me everything I have and I owe it all to him." Just shut up and answer the question.

And if you're going to thank God each time, at least make it funny and mix it up each time: "Thank you, big baby Jesus, with your tiny, little, fat, balled up fists... Thank your Daddy for me for my performance and giving me the skill set to win today."

Ann Coulter - If there was ever a woman that I would want to shake the sh*t out of, it would be this moron. People who say outlandish things to get a rise out of people should have their nose hair plucked out, one at a time. Wait. Maybe you shouldn't go back and read any previous posts on this blog. Ann Coulter isn't even hot! I give her a 6 out of 10. Compared with any other media personality, I give her a 4 out of 10. She's got long, blonde hair. Great. It's only because she's not fat like Rush Limbaugh or old like Bill O'Reilly that people find her an attractive spokesperson for Republicans. She RUINS the credibility of Republicans. At least outspoken members of the Democratic left, like Bill Maher and Jon Stewart, do it with humor, civility, and self-deprecation.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck - While Ann Coulter is outrageous with what she says, I do believe she is an intelligent person. She knows what she says is going to be controversial, but it means she gets booked for more gigs and she makes more money from her writings. Elisabeth Hasselbeck, on the other hand, I believe, is just plain stupid. She was blessed with good-looks, and to the producer's benefit, she talks before thinking. Not that she is capable of processing thoughts that most people do in a split-second before opening their mouth. Hasselbeck just spews nonsense. If she were to have me on the show, she would demand that I apologize and that this is an attack on the entire female species. I also have to believe that Tim Hasselbeck's career as an NFL quarterback failed because he's an idiot. Guilty by association.

Kim Kardashian - I'd actually like to blame this one on the neanderthals out there who watch her shows and/or buy magazines with her face on the cover. At least the other people out there have some sort of talent - heck, she wasn't even THAT impressive in her sex tape - (Tebow - running skills, Coulter - perfect timing to stir the pot, Hasselbeck - dumb, active mouth, to balance out intelligent conversation), Kardashian on the other hand, is taking you suckers for a ride. This was her thought process: "Hmmm, I have no talent, but a very nice, big butt, a pretty face, and I can take a penis very well. Sh*t. Already did the sex tape. What else can I do to liven up my reality show? I got it! Let me find a moron to marry!!!!" Lay off of poor Kris Humphries. I truly believe he was hurt and got taken for a ride himself. He's just a big, dumb, jock. Kardashian, laying out this courtship and divorce to Humphries perfectly within the timeframe of the show, is equivalent to a cool kid beating up Corky on Life Goes On. Humphries is just a poor simpleton. Shame on you, Kim!

Russell Brand - Who the heck anointed Russell Brand a movie star? He was not funny in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, nor was he funny in Get Him to The Greek. And now that his solo vehicle, Arthur, tanked at the box office, can we please find funny people for funny movies? Like Aziz Ansari. Or Andy Samberg. Somebody give those two their own movie!!! The only funny englishmen are Sacha Baron Cohen and Ricky Gervais. Russell Brand isn't even close. You were duped, Katy Perry. But now you can find yourself someone who is actually good-looking, funny, and drinks alcohol! Plus, his legs were way skinnier than yours in his skinny jeans, and that's just not flattering for you or him.

The Bachelor - I refuse to support a show that has never had a black, hispanic, or asian bachelor. So, you're telling me through 16 "bachelors" - all white - it's a fair representation of the United States demographic? Heck, even the girls they choose for the show have gotten more homogeneous. There, at least, used to be one black girl, one asian girl, and a few latinas. Hey, on the flip side, how about for the show, The Bachelorette?!? Yup. Same thing. The few times I've had to sit through a show, I find the show atrocious. I can't believe people sit through the same quotes and interviews each season. "I'm beginning to fall in love with her, I don't know what to do..." "I never thought I'd be in love with three women at the same time..." "Yes, I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her..." If you want to believe in true love, this is not it. They break up a few months after, but not before dragging you through a show where they turn over a rose in their hands for a few minutes, while cutting away to several anguished faces. Give away the stupid rose already! This is what you should do - if you must: watch the first show, make your picks, then watch the last episode. After you do that, get a noose and hang yourself. Because your life is pathetic.

People Who "Like" Their Own Status Updates - Recently, I saw something that one-upped this gem. A guy left a comment for a girl on her status update, and "liked" his own comment. I hovered over the "thumb" because I was like, "who the hell likes this stupid comment?" And it was the own guy's name. Anyhow, if you post an update on Facebook, it is inherently believed that you "like" it. What it tells the rest of the world is that you are desperately seeking attention and are narcissistic to a degree that is unhealthy. Heck, I may do the pee-pee dance in the mirror before I shower and think it's humorous, but I'm not "liking" my own dance publicly. That would be like Aziz Ansari inviting someone over to his house to watch a video of his own standup and laughing hysterically, going, "Hahahah, these jokes are dope."

So, people, you can do something about all these egregious morons. DON'T watch them. Don't buy things they endorse. In fact, boycott things they endorse. If their show comes on the air and you only have basic cable and MUST watch something? Try these two websites for quality, free programming: Hulu.com and TV.Blinkx.com. I'm pretty sure that last website is illegal, but then again, so is Marijuana and that hasn't stopped you, has it? TV Blinkx even has Life Goes On, which, if you get THAT bored, you should probably re-tie that noose again.

Let's make a real change in 2012. Unemployment and that fat North Korean Cartman can wait.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

Quality Over Quantity

2012-01-05T00:47:00.000-08:00

Some of you may be wondering why I haven't written anything in over two weeks. Some of you may have thought I jetted off to another far-off destination where people have loose morals and low standards for ethical human beings. Some of you may have even worried that I became a victim of alcoholic extravagance... laying somewhere on the road as hordes of people walk by, ignoring my lifeless run-over body. Some of you haven't wondered anything at all, forgetting that I even exist, and cursing that you remembered that I did. Well, I shall answer you now! Most of my writings just haven't met my expectations... plus, I've been drunk more than normal.

I hold myself to a very high standard when writing anything on this blog. I feel very fortunate that you even choose to come to this website and I want to make sure that anything you read here, will either make you laugh, cry, discuss, engage, or puke. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've spent hours writing something, only to say it sucks - then drown myself in a bottle of whiskey and sing sad country songs until the wee morning hours. I'll tell ya, Johnny Cash is straight up suicide music. He was yesterday's Adele.

I am considerate of the time you have voluntarily given to me. If I don't laugh at my own work, then I don't publish it. Maybe one day, it will be like the unpublished work of Tupac: subpar, but able to be released with a posthumous beat year after year. Heck, even his sex tape just came out now, like 14 years after his death!?!!! BTW, if anything should happen to me, please NEVER look at the folder marked "videos" on my computer. You will be shocked and probably projectile vomit through your nose.

Sadly, for the women in my life and past, my general philosophy on writing does not extend as far to the sexual realm. If I had a dollar for every time I heard, "Are you done already, you sonofab*tch!??!" I would be a rich, rich man. Like, Carlos Slim rich. In bed, I believe in the philosophy of quantity, not quality. If you were one of the unfortunate, you probably heard this in response... "oh snap! Sorry. I'll get ya next time! Time to go night night! Vibrator's in the drawer."

So, while I apologize for the lack of posts, know that you can go back to any of my previous posts I've written over the years and know that they get my seal of approval. I will NEVER churn out blog posts on a daily basis, because you lose the ability to write something truly good. You may have some hits, but most will be misses. One of my favorite writers was Rick Reilly when he used to close out Sports Illustrated magazine. His weekly article wasn't any longer than what is today's blog post. They were always insightful, funny, or inspiring. I hope that is what you get from coming to Silicon Valley Bachelor. I am grateful, and will always work hard to justify your visits.

Happy New Year and be grateful for the smiles and cries - because that's the only thing in this world nobody can take from you. My man, Ethan Hawke, said that in Training Day.

Smiles and Cries. Use them. Appreciate them.

Peace. I love you.

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

8 Things That Guys Don't Tell Their Girlfriends

2011-12-19T05:34:00.000-08:00

We all have our secrets. Not like the one where, after watching Silence of the Lambs, we came out of the shower, looked over our shoulder and then into the mirror and wedged our penis in-between our legs - which, amazingly, DOES look like a vagina! - those kinds of secrets should stay secrets forever. I'm talking about the secrets we don't tell our significant other, but lament openly about to our friends. Ladies, I'm sure you have plenty of your own secrets, but here are some things that guys don't tell you.

1. They Imagine Other Women While Having Sex With You.

My friend, Jessica, always says, "show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who's tired of f*cking her." That's when I gasp, and say, "you said a bad word." When I get over the initial shock of the "F" word, I realize she's pretty much right. How else can you explain any guy who would cheat on Siena Miller with a dumpy nanny, or Shania Twain with a Sandra Bernhard look-a-like, or Elin Nordegren with the latest plastic surgery success story. When it comes down to it, new ass is just a thrill that can't be replaced with same ass. It's not like guys grow up watching porn of just one woman their entire life. I'm not saying it's all the time, but ladies, you just have to know that sometimes guys are imagining that new intern in the office while bumping uglies with you. Or maybe Sofia Vergara was wearing an especially low-cut top in the latest episode of Modern Family. We're guys!!! After that thousandth time of intercourse with the same woman, we need that extra tingle anywhere it may come from. But you have to admit, Lois on The Family Guy, is one hot piece of cartoon ass.

2. We Hate Short Hair.

We will never tell you not to do it, but we desperately hope that you never try to experiment with short hair, because of how practical it is. Even Halle Berry lost major points for short hair. It's such a distraction in her movies. After looking at her cleavage, I always think, "I wonder if she'll ever grow her hair out again." And then I wonder what David Justice is up to these days... In the back of our minds, it's really like having sex with a guy. When we're raw-dogging it from behind (hahah, "raw-dogging"- so classy), the last thing we want to see is that faded crew-cut that reminds us of the male species. The only guy I like to envision is myself, as I admire my rippling pectorals in the mirror by the bed. Plus, the hair acts as a leash, so that we can guide you and make sure you don't stray too far.

3. We Don't Want You To Gain Weight.

When we say, "I'll love you no matter what you look like." - it's a lie. I've written about this before, but guys don't want their women to gain weight. That's why we take a good look at the mothers and try and figure out what's going to happen down the road. We don't want you being the next brand spokeswoman for cankle-hiding pantsuits. My friend, Ashley, commented in my last weight-gain article about the tactics her husband uses:

Tactic 1: Always enter the conversation under the guise of good health and spending time together: (Husband) "Ashley, lets get some good cardio in by going on a hike this weekend...'

Tactic 2: Slyly implant self-consciousness by inferring that other _women_ are going to judge you on how you look. This is key! The guy has to pretend that _he_ does not care, its how your _mom_, _sister_, _girlfriends_ are going to see you. (Me, sporting yoga pants that are stretched out and ripped at the bottom) (Husband, knowing full well that I'm planning on waring said yoga pants) 'Do you have enough time to get dressed before your lunch with Jenn?'

Tactic 3: Say whatever the f you want to say but pretend it's a joke: (Me) 'I think I'm going to cut my hair short, the baby pulls on it all the time.' (Husband) 'Great, the free fall into the mom-look begins. Ha ha just kidding! Yeah whatever you want to do.' (Me... still with long hair)

Genius!

4. We Secretly Think At Least One of Your Friends is Smoking Hot.

Of course, we would never say this. In fact, we are overly aware of competition amongst girls and insecurities, and even with your prodding, "don't worry. I know she's hot. Don't you think so?!?!" Or the more subtle, "Wow, her butt looks REALLY good in that skirt!" Don't fall for it, fellas. Your typical answer should be, "Really? I didn't notice. She's like a sister to me, that would be gross to look at her butt." And don't think you can get away with the sneak-a-peak underneath your sunglasses. That's when your girl's secret sixth sense of looking out of the side of her head and underneath your glasses comes into play.

5. We Flirt With Other Girls.

Listen, it's not like we go home with them, but it's something that guys have grown accustomed to as a ritual for friendship and bonding. When having a guy's night, that may include a lot of sports, but it also includes some light, quasi-witty banter with attractive females. If you think about it, it's only fair. When having girl's nights, you can't tell me that you're not approached by guys and/or carry-on full conversations with them! It's not fair. Girls can still see their options, even have a guy buy them a drink, because it's typical in our society for guys to do the approaching. For those guys that are attached, if we stayed in a corner and just talked to ourselves, we'd be out of topics within an hour - Tim Tebow and Kobe Bryant can only do so much for our dialogue, which would go something like this.

Guy #1 - It's great that Kobe's getting a divorce. Now he can rape whomever he wants.

Guy #2 - F*ck you. I'll rape you, you little b*tch!

Guy #1 - FUCK YOU!!!

(Silence)

Guy #2 - So.... when are the wings getting here?

Guy #1 - I don't know. Hey, remember when Jessica Simpson thought that wings were made from Buffalo??!!

Guy #2 - What?!?! Shut the f*ck up.

(Silence)

Guy #1 - Hey, man, this is taking way too long. I'm going to go ask how much longer until we get our wings.

6. We Still Masturbate.

It's quick, efficient, and we can openly pretend we're having sex with someone else while watching the latest from YouPorn. Plus, we don't have to worry about foreplay and cuddling afterwards. Although, I love to cuddle afterwards. It makes me feel like less of a whore when he zips up his pants and throws $5 down on the bed and tells me to beat it.

7. We Stalk Our Exes on Facebook.

Even if we're much happier with you, we want to make sure our exes don't have a happier life than we do. Her new lover is flying her away to far-off locations!?!? B*tch. Let me post MY travel pics when I see that green light next to her name so she's SURE TO SEE HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING!!!! Your new lover is fairly muscular!?!? Fuck him!!! He's handsome too!?! SO WHAT!?! He's got a job!?!? Okay.... Fine. He wins. Stalking time is over and you're now hidden from my newsfeed forever!!!

8. We Get Drunk To Sexually Experiment.

So you're having a great time with a girl you just started dating - you've learned about each other, found out you were compatible, you like her, and you've already had sex. What happens next to take the relationship to a new sexual level is difficult to navigate. You don't want to call her a dirty name in the heat of the moment and have her stop and go, "did you just call me a dirty slut?!?!?" Or, you put your hands around her neck and gently choke her, and she becomes appalled and starts clawing and screaming for her life. See how things could get awkward very quickly? This is when you decide to go out and get MAJORLY wasted, so that you can try out those moves that get you off, but won't make you seem like a total perve. If she freaks, the next morning all you have to say is, "whoa, what happened last night? I got so wasted. I barely remember anything." If she liked it, heck, even took it to another level? You're golden!

Well, ladies, these are just some of the secrets we keep from you. This revealing of time-honored male secrets is sure to have my Man Card revoked... and possibly a bounty put on my head. Salman Rushdie ended up with Padma Lakshmi at one point, I should be okay, right? Anyhow, use these secrets to start an epic argument with your lover. Have fun!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

A Bachelor's Night Club Style Guide: 5 Fashion Mistakes People Make

2011-12-14T05:27:00.000-08:00

The other night I went to Santana Row - the crown jewel of San Jose. It's the only place where people can pretend they DON'T live in San Jose, and that if they drink enough alcohol, it might be feasible to believe it's a territory within itself - in line with LA or Vegas. Why not? Persians and Asians everywhere! One thing that really worries me, though, about this bourgeois, new money crowd, is their preference for black clothing. It's cliche and reeks of uninspired boringness. I checked out all the hotspots - Sino, Straits, Blowfish - and it's like everyone came from a funeral. I couldn't find one color other than black.

People, if you want to stand out when going to a night club - wear something light. Take a chance! Pink. Canary Yellow. Powder Blue. And my favorite - White!

You think those rich celebrities know what they're doing when they put together their ensembles?

Now, I know what you're saying - "Kevin is a timeless beauty, comparable to Cleopatra, Elizabeth Taylor, Marlon Brando, James Dean... he's speaking from a vantage point that few attain. He needn't worry about fashion." Yes, yes, I know, but we all need an edge and I want to help you commoners out.

I go in and automatically light up a room - and that's even before the smile. You, on the other hand, go in with your black dress shirt and become one in a sea of dozens of dudes, instantly forgotten by the five females that are at Santana Row on any given night. Style, besides confidence, humor and dance skills, is something that can set you apart. If you stylistically stand out - in a good way - it'll add to your confidence. Each set of female eyes that make their way to your bright colors and up towards your face, is about several more seconds than they would've spent on you originally. You can just feed that into your enlarging ego and take some time to order a drink before making your move.

BUT, first, here are 5 stylistic choices you should avoid:

1. DON'T wear black.

See above. You may think you look best in black, but so does everyone else. You can wear black everywhere, just not to the club, if you want that extra edge.

2. DON'T wear a suit.

Really!?!? An ENTIRE suit? Maybe a blazer over a v-neck t-shirt or a sweater, but leave the dress shoes, slacks, and pocket square at home. It just looks like you're trying too hard to make up for a flawed face when you wear a suit to occasions that don't call for it. It reminds me of this one guy I went to high school with, whom I'll see at Britannia Arms in Cupertino (CUPERTINO, folks!!!) or out in Los Gatos occasionally and he's always flaunting several suit layers, complete with pocket square. He should just get a penis enlargement and be over with it.

3. DON'T wear shirts with phrases on them.

What are you? Still going to frat parties? Backpacking with Aussies? Those shirts with funny sayings aren't really that funny, now that everyone's already seen that saying a thousand times on their Facebook and Twitter feeds.

4. DON'T wear Ed Hardy.

Or any shirts with a mishmash of colors. Add skull and crossbones to that and you've got a recipe for Snooki. Any combination of these means your shirt is destined to go out of style as soon as you pull the tags off.

5. DON'T wear baggy jeans.

Unless you're fat. They make you look like a day laborer... or a Raiders fan. I think baggy jeans are done. I think skinny jeans will soon be done too (within the next two years), but you should be wearing form-fitting jeans, even loose, but definitely not baggy.

Once again, you're thinking to yourself, "Kevin, if you even have a shirt on, it's a white v-neck. I think that hardly counts as someone who knows and can dictate style." Au contraire, mon frere! Take a look at the other timeless beauties and tell me which picture doesn't fit?

That's right. They all fit! Destined to go down in history as images of splendor, grace, sophistication, ruggedness, manliness, beautifulness, smartness, sexiness, handsomness... and whatever other "ness'" I can't think of right now.

I like to call my style - blue-collar chic.

I consider myself to be blue-collar... if blue-collar people had no jobs, slept 11 hours a day, couldn't change the oil in cars, couldn't fix a clogged toilet if his life depended on it, and avoided anything that might cause dirt to get under his nails. Other than that, I am 100% blue collar.

Stay sexy,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Secrets of Television News

2011-12-07T03:43:00.001-08:00

Now that I am thoroughly years removed from being a local television reporter and have assured myself of never being hired again - thanks to this blog and its references of drug use, sexual deviancy, and 5th grade-level thoughts - I think it's safe to write a tell-all post for your amusement. Frankly, being out of the news business is refreshing. I no longer have to smile at people at the grocery store, even when I'm in a bad mood. I can make inappropriate comments, openly, and loudly, through my voice and on social websites. And best of all, I can get ridiculously drunk and ask where the high school girls hang out around here and not worry about my News Director finding out.

Here are some secrets of the biz:

- There's a good chance your favorite male on-air personality is gay.

Every station I ever worked at had, at least, one gay newscaster. Most of the time they're Weather Anchors, because, for some reason, gay guys are really good at just talking and talking, without ever stuttering or messing up. These on-air newscasters also got the majority of female fanfare, leading me to be quite resentful. Anderson Cooper, anyone, anyone? Don Lemon? Take a good look next time you see a good-looking newscaster. Is his hair perfectly manicured? Are his clothes well-tapered and form-fitting? Is he lean? Is he just a little TOO good-looking!?? Holy sh*t. I may be gay!!!

- Those reporters that look so grief-stricken by the tragedy they're reporting on? They're cracking jokes when the camera's not on.

As inappropriate as it was, reporters, anchors, producers, and news directors, cheered for "breaking news" - which always consisted of accidents, fatalities, crime, and disaster. Out on the scene, reporters would make jokes with each other before and after reporting on murders, scandal, and heartbreak. Really, you can't blame them for this, it's a defense mechanism. Can you imagine trying to empathize every single day with someone who's gone through a tragedy? It's hard damn work interviewing someone who's lost the person that means the most to them in this world. It's on par with a doctor, losing a patient every single day and having to go in and tell the family their relative is gone. You make jokes to shield yourself from the emotional trauma.

- The on-air females are the most down-to-earth hot girls you'll ever meet.

Besides the newscasters in LA, where they could double as models (for plastic surgery), most of the women on air are the coolest girls you could meet. They can b.s. about almost any topic and do it in a witty, sarcastic way. If you think they're out of your league, they aren't. I've almost never seen a female newscaster marry someone that is equal with them on a looks-level. And I'm talking about WAY below what they could get, if looks were the only factor. You do probably have to have a job, which eliminates me, but other than that, don't be intimidated. Almost everyone had to go to a small market somewhere in the U.S. - whether it was Pocatello, Idaho, or Midland, Texas, and make $8 an hour. That doesn't leave much room for divas.

- The guys are playboys.

If they're not gay, and they're good-looking, you may find yourself willingly naked in a bed near you. Like the women, they are well-versed in every single discussion topic you can think of. As journalists, they are trained to ask questions. Lots of questions. Which is what all men should do when talking to women. And they have perfected the art of making you feel comfortable around them - less inhibited. Why do you think all these people always cry around journalists? If Oprah were a guy, she could be the Wilt Chamberlain of sexual escapades.

- Journalists have an undeserved bad rap.

There is no organization or group that is as negatively portrayed in entertainment as journalists (if you don't count the Russians - "if he dies, he dies."). Almost every movie that features a reporter, uses that reporter as someone who is low on morals and would sell their mother out for a good scoop. Anyone remember Rita Skeeter in Harry Potter? I want to punch that woman. How about Courtney Cox in the Scream movies? I cringe. Lately, it's more than just movies - the Republican party has decided to blame all of their personal shortcomings on "the media". Getting accused of sexual harassment? Blame the media! Say something ignorant or racist? Blame the media! Unemployment went up? Blame the media!

The sad part about it all, is that the media can't really fight back. They do their best to be an impartial representative that just REPORTS the news. I don't know if most people are aware of this, but the media is the most important lever we have for democracy. They are the only checks and balances that makes sure corrupt politicians are accountable and that Gov't oversight doesn't remain just that - Gov't oversight. Rod Blagojevich. Jerry Sandusky. Bernard Madoff. If the media doesn't conduct their investigations and report on them, there can be no national outrage, no coverage of what happens to those that do wrong, and no change in society.

But it's not just those that do bad. How about Jason McElwain, the autistic kid and team manager for his high school's basketball team, being rewarded for his help with some playing time in the team's last regular season game. He went on to hit 6 three-pointers and inspired a nation. Or how about Pat Tillman, giving up millions in a professional football career to voluntarily serve his country - ultimately paying with his life. Even for those that go missing or need our help, the media is not just trying to capitalize through insensitive media requests. It's those personal heartfelt pleas from family, recorded by media, that paints a picture of who it is that has been abducted or missing. Without that, the pressure on law enforcement is minimized, the volunteer search committee more difficult to organize, the people less urgent.

I'm not saying that the media should be held on a pedestal, but don't be so quick to view them with so much contempt. They have to deal with seeing some of the worst things imaginable, while working long hours, under low pay, low respect, and high stress to get the facts correct. One mistake could cost them their job. Maybe, just maybe, give them a smile and say "good luck."

I mean, look at me below, is that the face of someone who is really such a bad guy? I'll tell you, that's the face of someone who missed Christmas and Thanksgiving with his family every year he was a reporter. That's the face of someone who picked up and moved to three different cities without having a single friend in the place he moved to. That's the face of someone who stood out in freezing temperatures just to show you how cold it was outside. Wait... that face does seem a little too finely manicured. And... his clothes do look a little too sharp... naahhhh.

I look at my friends still in the business and admire their perseverance. I feel deeply sorry for them when they move to a new city. I know and remember that initial loneliness. Oddly, in some ways I miss it. Then, I look at my parents, and not have to worry about how much older they've gotten since the last time I saw them. I look at my sister and her growing family. I look at the access I have to my best friends in the world. Then, I don't miss it so much.

Newscasters could use a hug every now and then. Maybe a hand job too, while you're at it.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Occupy Wall Street FOREVER! Or At Least Until It Gets Too Cold

2011-12-06T03:46:00.001-08:00

The Occupy Wall Street Movement has an identity crisis. Their ranks are littered with people that don't know what the heck is going on and have lots of time on their hands to beat drums. Heck, this takeover of prominent city areas, complete with free food, is the best thing to ever happen to the homeless since Will Smith portrayed one in The Pursuit of Happyness. Burning Man attendees have also been on cloud nine, since they've desperately been searching for something to do the rest of the 357 days of the year. Don't get wrong, I agree with whatever muddled message the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is trying to convey - as long as it's what I'm about to write here...

The top 1% of our United States population continues to grow richer and richer - taking a far larger percentage of the nation's income every year - roughly 24% - and controlling 40% of the nation's wealth! Should the 99% strike, "occupy", and do nothing, to get their fair share through some feeling of entitlement? It's a bit shameful, sure, but there will be free food! Before I get into a discussion of politics (don't worry, it'll be brief), let me say who I supported in Presidential elections since I could remember - even when I couldn't vote - Reagan, Reagan, H.W. Bush, Perot, Clinton, W. Bush, anyone but W., Obama. You could say that I was largely part of that group deemed, "the independents" or the "undecided". That was until I became a journalist. Journalists aren't all democrats, as Republicans and FOX News would have you believe, it's just that we see what goes on when we interview politicians and talk to real people. It does force you to see that the more compromising, humane side - if having to choose between the two - is the Democrat party.

Anyhow, this isn't going to be an attack on the entire Republican base - there are some things of their party I believe in, which includes a smaller government - this is more about one policy in general: Their absolute refusal to tax the rich any more to help out the national deficit, the middle class, the struggling economy, social programs, based on their belief that the rich are the "job creators". They won't budge on $250K+ income earners, nor will they budge on $1mm+ income earners... which makes good business sense, since the Supreme Court essentially eliminated caps on campaign contributions. I've met a few people in my life that make more than $250K a year, and I can tell you for a fact, those people are not putting even a small fraction of their new riches towards creating new jobs for people. Sure, some people are, but there are already tax breaks and credits for those that make that amount, hire, and are small business owners. Those 1% and 2% are putting their riches into buying fancy private planes, yachts, mansions... well, I guess someone's got to build those things.

Powerful, large Fortune 500 companies are hoarding their cash, and when they do spend it, they buy up competition and eliminate overlapping jobs at a far greater clip than creating them. The powerful get more powerful and when earning reports come out, they give them and their Board of Directors large, exorbitant bonuses. Those bonuses and salaries get larger every year. But, then again, who is there to stop them from voting to give themselves more money? When is the last time you heard a company issue a company-wide salary increase because of a record-breaking quarter? The rich are not the guardians of America's well-being. If they can, they'll continue to cut jobs and decrease salaries to improve the bottom line. Warren Buffet doesn't create many new jobs, but at least he wants to be taxed more. He's one of the few of a vocal minority.

America has a sh*t-ton of problems. This 9% unemployment is going to be hard to tackle. Sadly, the technology that we enjoy so much has a large hand in this. You can't just replace the thousands of video stores, book stores, and banks closing in every small and large community across America because you can now do what they offer through your cell phone. You also can't replace those thousands of jobs -with what? Manufacturing, assembly line work for that new technology?!? Sorry, that takes place in India, China, and other places much cheaper. You know those employees at those video and book stores that may not have been the brightest in the shed, but could do a darn fine job of placing a video back on the shelf? They aren't going to go out and start a new web company. Think about how many morons you meet in the world every day and times their level of stupidity by two, for the morons in middle America. They don't have the brains or the drive to do anything else.

The message that the Occupy movement should send out is the message of disgust towards corporate greed, the partisan Gov't politics that hold us back, and finally, the CORE MESSAGE of demanding that the super rich SHOULD pay a little more to help this great country out. Should they pay for our entire federal deficit? No. Our entire National debt? No. But the every day American has got to hold their politicians accountable for refusing to tax $1mm+ earners, even 3.25% more, to continue payroll tax cuts and save social programs.

Sadly, with the Occupy movement disjointed and the message unclear, the 99% could use a good Fortune 500 CEO to lead their vision and enact change. But, it's going to cost them... probably more than they have.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Disneyland for Alcoholics

2011-11-29T18:26:00.001-08:00

I have found my favorite annual event. This is not a paid product placement, like that time I was hawking vodka that you'd never heard of, or that bingo site I endorsed, or that other time I pitched an apartment complex. Haha, who the hell writes about apartment complexes in their posts... especially ones they've never lived in?!?! Well I did! Anyhow, I still feel like those posts were wonderfully amusing as I go back and read them. It leaves me with that similar giddy feeling I get in the morning (2pm) when I first stare into the mirror and think to myself: "Damn, no one is supposed to look this good with bed head and crusty eyes, but you've made a believer out of me, SVB. Yes. You. Have. You never cease to amaze me, you devil, you."

Does not everyone talk to themselves and flex for several minutes in the mirror before commencing with hygiene?!?!? If not, you guys are sorely missing out.

Well, this annual event has supplanted my previous favorite event of The Running of the Bulls in Pamplona. In fact, it has even supplanted other annual favorites, like my birthday, 4th of July, and even Christmas. What's this event you ask? The San Diego Bay Wine and Food Festival! The Grand Tasting Event features unlimited pours from 170 different wine and spirit purveyors. Did you see the "unlimited" part!?! That's not all, 70 of San Diego's top chefs from the best restaurants competed for cash and prizes, meaning you got samplings of steak, crab, scallops, oysters... oh my. I never thought I'd get a chance to taste food from Nobu, figuring I would forever be relegated to only reading about it in US Weekly, but I got to here!

You get from 11am to 3pm to eat and drink and try to stay on your feet. Me and most of my friends got a hotel room within walking distance which made things puurrrrrfect. Don't drink and drive, kids! Unless the taxi ride is going to be over $50.... (kidding.)

See below for what pure joy looks like:

Ahhh, this tequila smells oaky, with hints of cherry and chocolate.

I ran into this guy three times, so we decided to solidify our relationship with shots!

Feels good to mingle with these laid back country folks. I like it a lawt. Here, he's telling me what 'soup du jour' stands for.

Fancy Sake bottles!

Fancy Goonies reference!

Fancy Tequila bottles!

And the best wine of them all!

Some of my BFFs from my SD college days. Except for that one guy standing next to me. Who the hell is that guy? (Guys can use "BFF" too, right?)

I love these people.

As I get older, the less I yearn for loud music, long lines, cover charges, and ~~scantily-clad women~~. You begin to realize that all you really want is to surround yourself with those that you care about the most. The SD Wine and Food festival allowed me to relish in friendships forged through years of unspoken love - without any of the nonsense of pretension. Even though these friends are split into several different cities now, I can count on them to hold me up when things are going down... as in downhill after 10 hours of drinking. And I mean 'hold you up' literally.

This is the look of, "where is the camera? I can't see two feet in front of me. Did someone say Carne Asada Fries!??!"

When I start biting my lip, it's time to hang on for dear life.

Here, several people are holding me up.

Don't let the open eyes and smile fool you above. I am unconscious here. If, one day, I am not the drunkest in the group, I promise to return the favor and hold you up too.

As that is not a likely scenario, just know that I sincerely love you all and appreciate all your friendships through the years - that includes all those friends out there reading this right now. Maybe one day I'll entertain you through my experiences as a husband, father, and... grandfather??! But for now, hold me.... up, that is.

Love,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Three Classy Things You Can Learn to Trick Educated Girls Into Sleeping With You

2011-11-16T00:56:00.001-08:00

This weekend I'm going to the San Diego Bay Wine & Food Festival, which got me thinking, knowledge of wine is the ultimate... aphrodisiac. I was going to say "panty dropper," but then I thought to myself that I have never in my life used that term. It's crude. And I am classy. Read previous SVB posts for further views on religious freedom, Julia Childs' best recipes, and origami as a means to peace - not war.

I must say, I beat almost all of my friends to the appreciation of wine. When they were still drinking PBRs and Popov's Vodka in college, I was buying $8 bottles of Clos Du Bois and impressing the hell out of the ladies. Up until that point, they had only recently figured out the joys of Mike's Hard Lemonade and Bartles and Jaymes Wine Coolers, so when they saw me, they saw class and sophistication. Nothing like what they see today - drunk has-been and perfect candidate for Maury's "You ARE The Father" Paternity Test Show. College was the good ol' days. Soon, my friends had jobs and taste buds that hadn't been burned off from shoveling steaming hot Carne Asada Fries into their mouths at 3am, 7 nights a week. And years later, while I was still drinking Clos Du Bois and jugs of Carlos Rossi table wine, they had moved on to Cakebread, Grgich Hills, Chateau Lafite Rothschild, and other names that made no sense.

Anyhow, I love how I have not even given you a synopsis of the post ahead - and it's already the third paragraph! I also love how I love my own thoughts and praise them in sentences as I write them. This should be the theme to Gary Shandling's Show.

I'm just going to start another paragraph and break traditional minimum sentence paragraph rules. So, this is a post about how I became a ladies man and the three classy things you should learn to become one too, and not about how I am now degenerate and will soon be a sad old man hitting on women half his age. Like Fonzi. Here are things you should learn now:

WINE

Ladies love wine. If you ever want to find the best ratios, go to wine bars from happy hour until 10pm. All the best ladies - with JOBS - go to wine bars and they never stay out past 11pm. Even though I drink Carlos Rossi Chianti with a straw, I did learn just enough to trick the ladies into thinking I know a thing or two about wine. No matter what, before ordering, I will look at the menu and say "2007 was a great year for red wine." I have no idea if 2007 was a good year, but it makes me sound like I know a thing or two. Then, after having a sip of the cheapest wine on the menu, I will say, "a little oaky, with a hint of cherry and chocolate" no matter what it tastes like. EVERYTHING tastes oaky, cherry, and chocolatey if you tell someone that's what they're going to taste.

Ever notice how when you're wine tasting, you can't make out what it tastes like, but then the pourer tells you anything and you taste it again and it all makes sense? They could make something up, like, "you should taste subtle hints of asperger's" and you would be like, "oh yeah!!! I taste that!"

You should also learn to swirl wine around in your glass while it rests on the table. Then, hold it up against the light at a slanted angle, and squint your eyes together while looking at it. It makes you look sophisticated.

ART

I took an art class in college. And while I couldn't understand why people painted some of the things they did throughout time, I must admit, that class has helped me seem like an intellectual when you run into the occasional beer-pong playing girl who has an Associate's Degree from Community College. Why else would I know who Fra Filippo Lippi is and be able to explain Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera's troubled relationship!??! I am genuinely a fan of Frida, intrigued by the tragedy, pain, and turmoil in her life.... just as much as I appreciate classic works of print art, like dogs playing pool. Hah! Dogs playing pool! What irony and cleverness!!!

I recommend you young bucks brush up on some of the more popular artists of recent times: Matisse, Picasso, Van Gogh, but also find another artist that may have been overlooked or forgotten by time. And then use that artist if you ever have to in a debate at a wine bar with a girl you're trying to bag on why this artist shouldn't be forgotten. Be passionate about it, even if it's hard for you. Try thinking about that one asshole who kept killing you on Call of Duty and talking smack on that headset. That will fire you up.

BALLROOM DANCING

Let's keep it real here, ballroom dancing used to be for old-timers, but now it's the shiznit. If you have EVER taken a ballroom dancing class, the ratio is about 4 to 1. No joke. I have taken Salsa classes, Cha Cha, was on the ballroom dance team in college, and not one of them ever had more men than women. I am by no means any good, but the fact that I know some of the basics?!?! Cha-Cha-CHING! It breaks down that huge barrier - mentally and physically - and allows you to hold her hand AND put your body against hers in a respectful, non-grinding-to-Lil-Jon way! So, while your friend are off playing flag football and basketball with the other dudes, why don't you do something else to increase your stock in the eyes of women?

Did you ever think what it would be like to be an army-dodger during WWI or WWII? All the guys away at war, fighting the nazis while you're at home surrounded by lonely women? Uhhh, neither did I. Errrr, those stupid, non-patriotic SOBs!!! Please don't Dixie Chicks me!!!

When classy needs a friend, classy comes-a-calling! I pull these tips out of my back pocket like I pull leftover chunks of puke out of my hair in the morning - with ease and familiarity. These tips are golden for that difficult-to-reach C student in college. As for me, I'll stick with Community College dropouts and GED equivalency test holders - so that I can always be the smarter one in the relationship. No one but me, will EVER make me feel dumb.

So, when burping at the top of your lungs after shotgunning a beer or laughing until milk squirts out your nose while watching Family Guy doesn't impress your lady, try wine, art, or ballroom dancing!

You stay classy, bachelors!
Kevin L.
The Classy SVB

Guest Post: The Vacation Relationship Gauge

2011-11-15T00:28:00.001-08:00

SVB Foreword:

It's been awhile since I've had a guest writer - just too many good article ideas going through this noggin of mine - thoughts like, 'I wonder how long I can pee for and whether anyone would want to see this on YouTube?', 'do earwax and boogers come from the same place?', and 'what's bark made out of on a tree?'. Alas, those posts will have to wait for the future. It's time for some Saaara from TheBlowOff.com, which, I've said before, is the only site I read, besides TechCrunch, TMZ, and YouPorn. What?!!? I have to read the titles and synopses of the videos before pressing play! Don't Judge. Words like Dirty Sanchez and Pearl Necklace often times have nothing to do with latinos or jewelry. Lesson learned. Again. Again. And again.

By Saaara

I'm heading to Columbus, Ohio this week with my hussyband to spend an early Thanksgiving with his family. (I mean, our family!) The two of us travel pretty well together. We both prefer to get tipsy before a flight. He likes window seats, I like aisle seats. We probably exchange like three words on the airplane, because he's too busy sleeping, and I'm too busy listening to sad break up music on my Ipod and trying to decide Who Wore it Best in Us Weekly.

Learning if you travel well with a person can be a make it or break it stage in a relationship. I know more than a few people who've actually broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend WHILE on vacation, including the dude I'm married to. Something about hotel rooms and jacuzzi tubs and exotic locations really makes you wonder if you could spend the rest of your life with a person. What if they want to get up early and hit the hotel gym and you want to sleep 'til noon? What if they have an entire itinerary planned for the day, when you kind of want to lay poolside and catch up on back issues of Us Weekly? What if they don't understand that staying in a hotel should mean having sex more than usual and taking showers together?

So, if you're nine months into a relationship with someone, consider planning a vacation together. (If you don't want to get dumped, I highly recommend waiting past the six month mark, because we all know that's when we're all contemplating whether or not we should cut bait.) Here are a few red flags you should look out for. Does the person embrace other cultures or is every other word out of their mouth "ewww." "it smells here." "I want a cheeseburger." Are they psycho sight see-ers, like the wear a fanny pack and live for audio tours type? Do they think being on vacation means a vacation from having sex with you? Do they insist on wearing platform heels at say, the Coliseum in Rome? Do they decide to get their hair braided and get a fake tribal tattoo on their lower back? If any of the above occurs while you're on vacay with a sig-oth, then it might be time to cut them loose and bed a hot local.

Hopefully, the opposite will happen, and you will discover that you like to do all the same things on vacation. Like video-tape yourselves doing a fake newscast using a pineapple as your microphone.

Isn't Saaara and her "hussyband" cute? They are the type of people I want to be friends with. Like, trapped on an island with no other people around except pineapples, type friends. Although, it seems like they have no need. They obviously spend hours upon hours with only themselves to entertain each other. Damn them.

KL

P.S. On another note, here's my second article for Orlando's Register Magazine on page 15, which is now most-likely being used by the homeless as a bedsheet for the bus stop bench and/or toilet paper. That article has nothing to do with the post at hand, but this is my blog, so I can do whatever the f*ck I want. If I want to shamelessly come up with new ways to promote my awesomeness through indiscretion and smoke and mirrors, so be it!

How Much Weight Are You Allowed to Gain After Marriage?

2011-11-09T16:55:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was having another pleasant Friday evening eating at the local Fresh Choice, eagerly deciding on whether my next bite of food should be of the baked potato, clam chowder, salad, pizza, or pasta. Decisions, decisions! I like to have them all laid out on the table in front of me so I can cycle through the different choices with each bite!!! Yay!!! After shoveling a bite of baked potato into my mouth, I looked up to see a family of four - the two kids were probably 6 and 8. The dad was a lean, fit guy - relatively good-looking - but the mom had, by all means, let it go. Her hair was pulled back, not for style, but because of laziness; she had on glasses, not stylish ones, but the reading kind that old people wear; No makeup, and her pants could've doubled for sweat pants or cargo pants, couldn't really tell. She had put on considerable weight, that belied her skinny person face.

What struck me the most during the evening while watching them, as I ate my food with child-like fervor, was the amount on disinterest between the wife and husband. I couldn't help but think, this guy probably didn't marry this person the way she looks now. Does he show her no interest - they hardly said a word - because of how she presents herself now? Maybe it was an off-night... It WAS Fresh Choice on a Friday evening, but it also got me thinking - don't we owe our significant others an amount of commitment to our bodies, to maintain that same level of attractiveness during the courtship!?!? Maybe love does trump all, and romantic movies do teach us it's what's on the inside that counts, but I am on the side that says you must stay in shape after marriage.

I want to maintain a lifelong "physical" attraction to my mate, even when the rigors of aging has curbed my sexual urge for three minutes of desired sexual activity a day, to three minutes a week. But it's also about maintaining a healthy lifestyle so that, as a couple, we are still free to do, and have the energy, to be active, go for hikes, ride bikes, body surf, traverse across new foreign lands, and do upside down keg stands. Now, this is not an attack on people who are overweight, some people are just built that way. Plenty of people who are overweight get married - this is more about who you marry from the outset and what happens after. And, don't forget, guys are just as guilty with that bowling-ball, beer belly, leaking over their pants and hidden behind that free-flowing hawaiian shirt. Girls have to tax their bodies and endure child-birth, while guys have no excuses.

My friend and I were discussing this - his girlfriend has gained about 15 pounds since they started dating - and he didn't like the fact that he can't tell her to lose weight. He does, actually, but it doesn't go over well. Is that not a part of an open relationship? Sure, as men, we are taught to always tell a women that she doesn't look "fat in those jeans," but when is being dishonest a detriment to the relationship? How long do you go bottling up the resentment that your significant other is packing on the pounds, while you are still committed to staying in shape and looking good for your partner? Is this the type of dishonesty that leads guys and girls to get divorced, "out of the blue," because there was never an open line of communication or honesty?

I think our childhood upbringing does us a bit of disservice. Being taught to "finish everything on your plate" leads to bad habits in our adult life. We live in a culture that over-serves and overfeeds in every restaurant and fast-food chain. The childhood-formed habit of eating everything on our plates has made America the most obese nation in the world. A lot of people ask me how I stay thin with the way I eat - which is sometimes downright disgusting. It's really not about exercise - which I pursue actively - or about eating right - which I pursue passively - but, more about portion control. I eat out a lot, but I have exercised considerable restraint to save that last 1/4 of my Chipotle Burrito for later, or not getting fries with my burger, or never drinking soda (unless it's with whiskey).

You know how that one Slim-Fast commercial goes, "a shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, then I eat whatever I want for dinner"? No!!! Eat whatever you want, just cut the portions by 1/4 and then a 1/3! I know it's hard - trust me - I love to eat, but just cut it off before, or serve yourself less on the plate, and pack it away. I see people who come into the gym, who are overweight, and they stay around for a few weeks and never come back. I'm pretty sure it's because they're not seeing much of a change. The problem is that they think they are going to lose weight just by getting into the gym. It might help a little, but you can't continue to eat the same foods in the same quantities and see much of a difference.

So, please, I may not be Richard Simmons or Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I do care about how your naked body looks to your lover - and for me peeping in from that tree branch outside your window - and I want you to look good. Remember, don't force your future kids to eat everything on their plate especially if it's eggplant. You hear me, Ma!?? I'll sit at this table for two hours and not eat that stupid eggplant. We'll see who wins!!! Anyhow, forcing your kids to eat everything on their plate is old school and doesn't fit with American portions and food-fattiness. Also, control your portions, and you can avoid eating healthy or exercising. When you die a sudden death during intercouse, people will be dumbfounded:

Friend: "But Kevin looked so skinny and healthy!"

Doctor: "But his insides looked like shit... medically-speaking. His arteries were that of a fat man trying to break free. On another note, his heart was much smaller than normal. I don't think he ever learned to read or was loved."

Friend: "HAhahahahahaahaha"

Doctor: "Hahahhahahaaha, he WAS a little bitch, wasn't he?!?!"

Once you decrease your portions consistently enough, your stomach will shrink and need less to be satisfied. This is similar to what I tell the ladies I date - "just keep reducing your expectations and you'll grow to love me."

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB(itch)

Party Starter Kit - Things I Wish I Knew Then

2011-11-06T22:04:00.000-08:00

I was going to title this piece, "How to be the Life of the Party", but then thought "I am more often the LIABILITY of the party." Take for instance last weekend, I blacked out in record-breaking time. After drinking straight vodka - no ice, no chaser - then shots ranging from tequila to lemon drops, I blacked out in 1.5 hours and spent most of the night resting my head in some bushes. It was phenomenal that I didn't wake up in jail, in a pool of vomit, or with a tree branch in my butthole.

Having now partied at the same parties for the last 11 years - which is in no way pathetic or sad - I have learned quite a few things about doing things the "right" way. Not classy, but right. Here are things you should do and know now, if you're an 18 year old and want to be the king of the party world.

- Get a Flask - Don't hold out. Go buy yourself a good one. That one $20 flask will save you THOUSANDS of dollars. Or in my case, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of dollars. Sure, you can pre-drink, or buy $10 lychee martinis at swanky events, but nothing tastes as good as warm whiskey that's been passed around amongst your friends - all swigging from the same tiny spout. Germs was a myth invented by doctors to get your money. Don't worry.

- Buy Yourself a Nice Tux or Suit - If I had known how in-demand I was going to be for high school/college formals, weddings, New Year's festivities, and court appearances, I would've bought a tailored suit/tuxedo instead of plopping down $100 for each dance. If you're not as good-looking as me (which, let's face it, you're not), you should still buy yourself a nice tux, or a suit at the very least. Splurge. You won't regret this one. A suit is important. It makes you feel like a better person, even after you spent the afternoon watching that poor bukkake victim on that live webcam.

There's nothing quite like having a suit tailored for your body - like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking.

- Invest in an Afro - You're going to get invited to all sorts of theme parties, and there's a good chance it'll be a 70s party. As part of this to-do list, you should also go ahead and buy a sweet 70s disco shirt and bell-bottom pants. They will get good usage. My 70s pants are so tight at the top, they show the outline of my penis. Score! Unless it's a cold day, then I'm f*ckin screwed. That's when I go to the bathroom and give myself a good ol member tug. It's like stretching.

Guy on the left is much cooler...

- Be Aggressive - I don't think I have ever gotten the girl from standing by the wall holding a beer and bobbing my head, because I'm "too cool" to dance. You've got to make the move. Initiate contact. Pour alcohol down her throat. Shove your tongue into her mouth before she has any idea what's going on. If she backs away, pour more alcohol down her throat. If she still backs away, move on to another girl before the night is lost! This will help figure out who the quality girls are that you want to bring home to mother, and who are the prudes.

- Confidence is King - No matter what I do, I'm confident. Even if I'm telling you how humble I am, I'm confident. "I'm a humble mother-f*cker! Bitch." No matter what you wear - skinny jeans, Sean John, Ed Hardy, Hello Kitty - wear it with confidence. Your actions, your mannerisms, the way you talk - all of it is accentuated with confidence. When you pursue a girl, be sure of yourself. When you dance on the dance floor, have fun with confidence, and don't think about how you look. It shows. When I make sweet, sweet love to some lucky, drunk girl each night, I confidently tell her how she should be wearing that dildo and how I like it.

- Economy-Size Condoms - I know condoms seem like they're really expensive. $10 for a 12-pack of Trojans!?!? WTF? Go to Costco and buy a thousand. It seems like a lot, but you will get around to using them. Trust me. In fact, if you're in college, this is a little-known fact, but you can actually go to the campus health center and pick up condoms for free. No questions asked. Even if you're out of college, Planned Parenthood gives away condoms. Of course, they don't have several flavors, those ribbed ones you like, or the glow-in-the-dark version, but they're free! My favorite flavor is banana, because it's a double entendre! I giggle at my own cleverness when railing away. I am easily amused.

- Appreciate Pop Music - I know this may be hard to fathom, but whimsical, spur-of-the-moment, ditzy girls like.... no, LOVE pop music. You may get laid listening to your death metal, underground rap battles, or reggae funk, but you also stand a good chance of killing the camaraderie you've built up, or the entire mood altogether! Listen to Chris Brown, Usher, NeYo, Jason Derulo, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj... nothing shakes women's butts more than pop artists. And when they see you singing along to Jason Derulo, they will think they've found their soul mate. It wouldn't hurt to learn the Enrique seduction technique either...

- Ping-Pong Table - Get a good one, because your stupid drunk friends are probably going to sit on it at some point and then you'll have a collapsed, unbalanced Ping-Pong table. While you will rarely play Ping-Pong on it, you will be the "cool" person who has a beer pong table that doubles for flip-cup tournaments. Your house will also be the one used for pre and post-parties - meaning all the drunkest girls will be at your house each night. Have your way with them now, because if they're playing beer pong with you, they're going to be fat one day. Skinny girls don't play beer pong, just like happy people don't kill their husbands.

Well, these are investments you should make now for your own personal partying future. It'll save you money, time, and guarantee the contraction of an STD by the time you're 20.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

How I Break Up With Girls

2011-11-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

In my time, I've done many things to skirt responsibility and accountability to women... and to society as a whole. Rest assured, there's logic behind the madness. When I was in 7th grade, I started to garner the interest of girls. It's quite a crazy thing to realize you wield so much power. Ever since, it's almost been a curse to be so ridiculously good-looking. So, I was dating this gal in 8th grade, Carey D, when a newer, hotter girl decided she liked me, but before I get to that, let me tell you how this one started. I walked to her house with my bandana hanging out of my back pocket - we were trend setters in a gang we called KYD - Krazy, Young, and Dangerous. We were ridiculously good-spellers and we wore neither red or blue. It was a time of Cross-Colours, where being a multi-cultural tolerant gang was ground-breaking. I knocked on Carey D's door, with a rose in hand, and asked her to be my girl. Her response was comical.

Carey D - You want to go out with me?!?! But you're so popular.

Me - I like you and that's what matters.

Carey D - (tears well up in her eyes) Okay.

After raw-dogging her in several different positions, I left her house and that was that.

Hahahha, just kidding! What 8th grader has sex!?!? And who uses the word "raw-dogging"? Gross! Anyhow, I didn't have sex until the 9th grade. Well, two weeks later, this hot girl named Jessica told me she liked me. So, I called up Carey D to tell her I wanted to break up, and all I could hear was her crying on the other end. It was the saddest, "I've got to go" that I've ever heard in my life. Right then and there, I decided that I never wanted to break up or hurt another person again.

Fast forward 5 years - I'm now in a relationship for the last 2.5 years because I can't force myself to break up with this annoying girl, that makes all of my friends sick because of her bubbly nature. Let's call this girl, Stephanie Keller. If I had it my way, I would've been broken up with Stephanie after 8 months. But what do you do when you hate the feeling of hurting someone, anyone, and someone - Stephanie - literally says to you all the time, "Don't ever break up with me, because I would just die." And then her eyes would get all misty. Let's just say that I really thought I would have to marry her and had accepted that fact. In the end, thankfully, she broke up with me a short time after that. I was a little bit bitter, because she broke up with me to date another guy. I had wasted 17 months dating this annoying theatre geek who verbally guilt-tripped me to think I had to date her forever! Looking back, almost everything she did annoyed me.

Fast forward to today - I act like a dickhead to girls I'm not interested in, so that I get out of having to ever breakup with someone. Oddly, this tactic tends to make girls like me even more. Anyhow, this tactic, works like this: When I start dating someone - aka raw-dogging them - if I realize that the girl is annoying in any way, I start showing off my worst possible traits. That way it makes it easy for us both to part ways. I will sleep 13 - 14 hour days, to the point where they're laying next to me, bugging me to get up. Then, I'll turn my back on them and tell them I probably won't be getting up anytime in the near future, so if they have something to do, they should go ahead and do it.

Other things I do - I act like I have no ambition. "What do I do for work?!? Nothing. Is that a problem? By the way, should we eat Cheetos for breakfast or lunch?" I want girls to know that life with me is going to amount to watching Family Guy reruns all day long. And it's a good thing Family Guy is on like 10 times a day on several different channels. It's heaven! I also act like I have nothing else on my mind that doesn't involve alcohol or finding the next party. I rarely ask the girl any prying questions, so she won't get the sense we're getting to know one another. Return calls or texts mostly take place at 2am or 3am, and only consist of, "come over. I want you." Sex when I'm in this state means I'm going to do and try everything with you. Nothing is out-of-bounds. I will call you dirty names and feel a twinge of guilt in my mind because I feel so naughty for having said something so bad.

So, if you find yourself in a similar predicament, show the girl your WORST qualities. Fart. Pick your nose. Eat three Big Macs and then say you feel like exploding, lift your shirt above your belly, lay on the ground, and rub your stomach, going "uggggh, I'm pregnant" - over and over. Blatantly pronounce menu items at Italian restaurants incorrectly. "I'll have the [fet-uh-seen-ee] and [bruhs-chetta]." This will annoy and embarrass them. I once watched Zoolander with a girl at the theaters, and following the movie - I refused to make small talk, but would dramatically look at her with my Blue Steele face when she asked me a question. She laughed at first, but after an hour, she was like, "okay, can you stop doing that now?" True story. I kept doing it. It's actually pretty fun to do socially unacceptable things.

Sooner or later, these girls are going to stop calling and won't even require an answer as to what went wrong. They'll want to put as much distance between them and your "worst" side as they possibly can, meaning you avoid maturing as an individual and breaking up with someone in a controlled, responsible, respected way. I don't have the answers on what normal people do, but my way is much more entertaining. It's like Andre "The Giant" when he suggests to Wesley that they fight each other using their bare hands, as opposed to killing Wesley immediately with one throw of a large boulder - which would have been very unsportsmanlike. He didn't have to miss, you know! With bare hands, it's much more entertaining! Get the analogy?!? Neither do I, but good luck being a dick to avoid acting like an adult!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Real-World Pet Peeves That Make Me Want to Slap You, Part 2

2011-10-25T14:21:00.000-07:00

I am a largely optimistic, positive person, but that 1% of the time that I am not smiling and trying to get in your pants, I am annoyed. I've already written about how I disapprove of people who ask me to help them move and, of course, Bella and Edward's pending union, now here is the completion of my list:

- Slow Drivers in the Fast Lane - Do they NOT teach people in driver's ed that you should move out of the fast (left-side) lane if a car approaches behind you that's driving faster? Actually, it's a serious question. Like most classroom environments, I failed to listen as I drew pictures of unicorns on my Trapper Keeper all day long. So, do they? They should start the beginning of that course with, "before you put on your seat belt, remember, fast lane drivers are for the FAST drivers. If someone comes up behind you, move your fat asses out of the way." If I had boatloads of money, I would put out public service announcements brought to you by "The More You Know" - I'm not saying who are the culprits, but the PSAs would only be made in Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Korean (which is crazy, because if you've ever been to those countries, they are best, craziest drivers I have EVER seen in my life).

I can't begin to tell you how many dirty looks I shoot out while passing by drivers on the freeway - unless the person is elderly... or big and black - then I smile and wave politely, speeding off and constantly checking my rearview mirror.

- Straight Jigger Pours - If a bartender pours out my drink, measured directly from a jigger with no extra top-off, they have automatically guaranteed that I will not return to that establishment. Have you ever tried to drink a drink that's 1/10 alcohol? It's worse than drinking Pepto-Bismol on a hot day when thirsty! What? There was nothing else around.

Sure, some places have strict regulations, but if no one's around, just top that bad boy off. It's not your booze. The glass is already filled with minimal sizes of ice to cut down on the empty space in the cup - don't think I don't know these tricks - and now you want us to endure an entire drink of soda water, lightly spritzed with vodka!?! Ugh! I want to just reach across the bar sometimes and squeeze tightly around the bartender's neck until red veins pop out all over his/her head and neck, and watch as the last gasp of air comes struggling through in a gurgle as their eyes roll to the back of their head.

I watch a lot of Dexter.

What's funny is that this could actually be used against me by a DA one day:

"Well, members of the court, the defendant has already documented his 'intent' - this was NOT involuntary manslaughter, as the defense would have you believe."

And then my defense would start like this, "Da two yutes...."

I watch a lot of My Cousin Vinny.

- Misleading Shot Glasses - Okay, so most of my annoyances center around alcohol consumption -yeah, so? Yeah SO!??! So I want to go someplace where I know somebody that can plug me into the social pipeline! And I want to do it drunk! I HATE those shot glasses that are all misleading, because they look so big, but then you take your shot and see that it's all glass! The nerve! It's like looking into a pair of coke bottle eye glasses. Do they think we're idiots?!!?

I want to take shots that are so big, you gag halfway through the shot. You know what I'm talking about. The one where you take half of it down your throat, but then leave the other half in the mouth, because you know you are going to projectile vomit all over the hot girl you're trying to look cool in front of... Then you pretend the shot already went down by sucking in your cheeks and turning away as she puts her glass on the counter, exhaling deeply through your nose, before using your last remaining pocket of air to suck in the remaining bits of Jagermeister - wiping the tears away from your eyes, then turning back to face the girl who just got ten times hotter in a matter of seconds.

That's the type of shot glasses I like. Bitch.

- Women Who Ask You If You Remember What Their Name Is - NO, I don't remember what your stupid name is! Can't you see that I'm barely standing up straight? I've got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite, if I just had the guts to shove my tongue down your throat, I'm barely hanging on. And you're probably the fifth girl I've asked for a name, while feigning interest, and the first who allowed me to shove my tongue into your mouth. So, please, don't act like anything tangible will result from this encounter as if there will be a future for two people who met at a club and decided to swap spit within minutes of deep-grinding to Jason Derulo. To make matters worse, I always smile goofily, and ask back: "do you remember my name?!?!" Which they always do. Damn you!

- Guys Who Want to Fight at the Bar/Nightclub - What the hell is wrong with you? Everybody is out having a good time, getting drunk, dancing, hitting on girls, laughing - and then you have this OTHER group. These are typically the guys who are meat-heads, can't dance, probably do not have a college education, spend most of their time playing Halo, hate their lives, and have been watching guys who can dance dance with girls all night, who they think they are better than. Since they have no game and can't exert any energy on women or dancing, they tend to get bitter at the entire situation and want to fight the first person who steps on their Pumas. How dare these people ruin our good times by wanting to fight!?!? I JUST WANT TO BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF THESE PEOPLE!

Full disclosure: I have been in seven fights in my life. Fourth Grade - Won. Fifth Grade - Lost (She was one of the biggest girls you have seen. No joke. You can read about that one here.) 28 yo in Hong Kong - Won. 29 yo in Brazil - Won. And the last three happened in the last two months!!! Won in Rome and won in Dubrovnik. Lost this last weekend in Los Gatos. It's kind of crazy, but people are so willing to talk trash to me lately! Especially in foreign countries! Just because I often-times wear white jeans, pink dress shirts, and New Kids on the Block jackets, doesn't mean that I'm not tough!!! Don't start talking smack to me, because I WILL regulate on your asses! I've got a 5 and 2 lifetime record! I'm not just some geek off the street. Now you know.

Let's just say I'm handy with the steel, if you know what I mean, earned my keep. Did people not hear Hangin Tough? That song should've solidified street cred for The New Kids and me when I wear my jacket, much like the song It's Gonna Be Me did for N'Sync.

Anyhow, stop fighting, don't ask names, get drunk, and drive fast. That's what I'm trying to get at here. That's a formula for a good time. Or death, if followed in order.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Real-World Pet Peeves That Make Me Want to Slap You, Part 1

2011-10-19T16:59:00.000-07:00

A little while back, I wrote a post titled, "New Ways You're Annoying Me on Facebook", promising at the conclusion that I would write one in the future on real-world annoyances. And unlike my other promises, where I tell you that I'll call you the next morning or that I am STD-free, this one I am actually making good! So since I spend at least 5% of my time outside of my laptop (don't act like you don't bring the laptop into the bathroom!), here they are.

- The "Help Me Move" Annoyance - Unless I'm having sex with you or want to have sex with you, don't ask me to help you move. A long time ago, I took a class in economics, where I failed, but one of the gems I learned in that class was the value of your time. At one point, an hour of my time was worth about $45 an hour. Meaning, if I were to help you move for three hours - sweating and hating you every minute - that would be $135. The cost of a laborer outside Home Depot for that same amount of time is about $30. I don't remember what else was taught in that economics class, but $135 is a lot more that $30. I mean it when I say that I would much rather "donate" $30 to your moving cost, just to show I'm a "good friend," than spend a day laboring through narrow doorways, impossible angles, and alcohol-less small talk.

You may be thinking that this is a little drastic, but I have further background. My main vehicle was a truck for about eight years. This also overlapped college. Right at the turn of each quarter, I would get a flood of calls from people I hadn't heard from all year. I hated how they would start the call off with some small talk, like, "hey! How are you doing? How are finals going? Well... hey, you drive a truck, right?" At first I always agreed to help, (because I was in college and pretty much wanted to bone everyone), then I started getting really annoyed. I would let people go to voicemail. But they would keep calling. Those dicks! Finally, I got to the point where I would say, "I can't help you move, but you can borrow my truck. Just fill up the tank when you're done."

Sure, I have large muscles, rippled on a massive frame, held together by an endless stream of more muscles, but it doesn't mean I want to help you move. Ever. It also doesn't mean I'm not a good friend. You, on the other hand, are. For putting a friend into a direct lose-lose situation. That's not it! Almost 75% of the time, the people asking for help are violating terms that I believe to be STANDARD protocol. If you are going to ask people to help you move, this is what you should do for them:

1. Have EVERYTHING already boxed up and READY to move. EVERYTHING. We don't want to waste time, helping you tape up boxes that should've been done with your puny muscles beforehand.

2. Have a plan. I HATE It when girls smile so sweetly and expect us to come into the situation and figure everything out for them. What are we moving first? Last? What couch is going to be difficult? How did they get it in the first time? These are things we need to know.

3. Have cold water and beers readily available. Are you f*ckin kidding me when you don't have these items for people who are sweating like rickshaw drivers while you stand their doing your all-important job of keeping the door open?

4. Have a pizza delivered at some point. AND be ready to take us out for steak and ribs afterwards. If you think about it, it's actually cheaper just to hire the Home Depot folks. So do it!

5. Be ready to get on your knees. Because it's blowjob time after that last box is moved in. And NO, I'm not going to shower first. And if you're a guy, please shave first and turn off the lights.

Whew! I'm sorry. I haven't been this worked-up since Bella chose Edward. I mean, come on, the guy's cold to the touch, bordering on obsessive stalker, and WAAAAY older than her. Like hundreds of years!!! We have a word for that where I come from, "creepy old guy." At least I'm only 15 years older than the kids I hang out with outside 7-Eleven.

I actually had a few other real-world annoyances I wanted to write about, but seeing as this post has become so long, I will write about it in the future. In the meantime, I encourage you to send this to your friends who have violated standard protocol and say, "I'm going to need that steak and blowjob right about now..."

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Reform Candidate Bachelor

Is 69 Overrated?

2011-10-16T22:03:00.000-07:00

Recently, some of my favorite couple friends were debating the merits of 69. The guys loved it and the girls hated it. As for me, I have never tried 69. I have only tried one sexual position - something called "the missionary," but it's odd, there's nothing religious about it. No clean-cut guy wearing a short-sleeve dress shirt, tie, and backpack... well, once, but I had a lot to drink. In fact, the missionary is pretty standard amongst me and my lovers. We go into our formation, it lasts about 5 minutes, and then when it's over, we open our eyes, look at each other awkwardly - not sure of what we should do next - then fumble for the remote control and quickly agree on watching reruns of Modern Family On-Demand.

It's only been 19 years since I've been having sex, I figure I will wait until 20 years to try my second sexual position. Maybe I will go with "doggystyle" - I've been intrigued ever since Snoop Dogg's 1993 debut album release of the same name. It was quite a commercially successful album that critics praised for its "lyrical realism" and his distinctive flow.

But seriously, I haven't tried 69. Crazy, huh? There's never enough time. I'm ready to blow my load right away as soon as I see boob, so getting to the point of "hey, let's flip around" seems a little too ambitious. All I can imagine is awkwardness and someone's knee hitting someone's face and a whole bunch of "excuse me" and "sorry's."

Getting back to the discussion at hand, I scientifically asked a few other of my couple friends and they all agreed that 69 was not a joy for them - even the guys this time! It went something like this:

ME: "So, how about that new 9-9-9 tax plan from Herman Cain - it's a dandy, no? Anyhow, have you guys tried 69?"

The women ended up saying that, if anything, a reverse 69 was more reasonable. Meaning, the female would lay on their back and not the guys. Doh! It's sounding worse and worse! But the consensus amongst the females was that there's just too much going on in that position for them to enjoy it. I'm guessing it's like Dance Dance Revolution when you have to tap an arrow with one foot while the other foot has to cycle through the other arrows at a ridiculously fast pace.

So, is 69 a great sex act or just something funny that Adam Sandler laughs at when Veronica Vaughn tells the first grade class to turn to page 69?!? Maybe its purpose is just the cleverness of the name and the opposite laying of the numbers... Does anyone out there enjoy 69?

Confused,
The SVB

Bravo's Silicon Valley Reality TV Show and The SVB?

2011-10-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

Over the last several days, I've been bombarded with a steady stream of emails, Facebook wall posts, and texts, telling me I would be perfect for Bravo's new reality television show in Silicon Valley. I guess it's a welcome change, considering the calls I normally get are from bars telling me to pick up the credit card and ID I drunkenly left behind, DVD shop owners telling me The Pourne Identity, Schindler's Fist, and Deep Space 69 are all overdue - again, and lawyers informing me about yet another restraining order. The funny thing about all these friends alerting me about this reality show is that the show's casting director ALREADY reached out to me. It turns out she found me through my blog. Here's what the listing looked like on Craigslist and what the casting director emailed me after we spoke:

Major Cable Network now casting CONFIDENT professionals with BIG PERSONALITIES for a new reality show.

Are you a young, successful, professional living in America's most emerging area -- Silicon Valley?

Whether you're in law, business, technology, film, advertising, medical, culinary... any career goes, as long as you're living life in the fast lane, we want to hear from you!

How about a hotshot lawyer, who works hard from 9-5 but parties even harder after dark? Maybe you just got your break working at one of the biggest internet companies burning through the late-night hours and partying in the even later ones? Or maybe you're a middle school teacher in a small suburb, but you have a secret wild side?

(The major cable network is Bravo, home to Top Chef and the Real Housewives series.)

First off, I'd like to thank my friends for believing that I am, one, successful; and, two, hard partying. It's good that "successful" is such an arbitrary and subjective term. I don't mean to brag, but I did use to be lead milk-shake maker at my dad's Foster's Freeze. It's not easy to get the proper combination of thickness and straw-drinkability. The high school kids really looked up to me. What is probably more likely is that my friends believe me to be "parties even harder after dark," and "wild side." I won't lie to you, I don't know anyone who parties as much, and as recklessly, with blatant disregard of social norms and personal health.

I have some real hesitation that a correct version of Silicon Valley will be on display in the reality series. For one, I am pretty sure that the "biggest internet companies" will not allow their likeness to be openly flaunted at the discretion of a reality producer. I also have serious reservations that the show will find attractive enough people to showcase, because, let's face it, people don't want to watch a show with ugly people. Silicon Valley is just not sexy. I live in a neighborhood where I don't associate with any of my neighbors, mostly because they are engineers, programmers, and have families (and are not around at 2pm when I wake up). It's damn expensive living in "the Valley" and people who can afford to live here are just plain boring. That's why, regardless of social situation, I get ridiculously wasted, so that at least one person is going to have a fun time. I'm what people like to call, "a shit show."

It's like being the "funny, fat friend" and forever having to do things to make people laugh, when really, inside, you're hurting. Each joke is just a way of hiding the pain and shame from the latest binge-eating session. It's what people expect of you. But I don't do anything because people "expect" this type of behavior from me, I genuinely have fun, and get a kick out of waking up in my clothes. Again. I giggle, laugh, and decide that I will wear the same clothes all day to save time. And this Gatorade will substitute for toothpaste.

I have learned to entertain myself and look at the positive in every situation - maybe this is what Bravo's reality show has in mind. They are picking ten people. If I decide I want to do this show, I most likely will never tell my parents the show times or air dates. Although, I'm sure, eating Jack in the Box tacos at 3am in my car on Tuesday night and passing out in my seat with a taco on my chest is something that would make them really proud. They would show this to their friends via VHS cassette tape any time they had company. I also believe the politicians of Silicon Valley will embrace my selection, similar to the huge outpouring of support from New Jersey politicians around Jersey Shore.

I'm scheduled to meet the producers this week, but I'm not sure how much of my life I want to broadcast. Watching Deep Space 69 is something I like to do alone. I cry every time the Klingons get it in the ass... and I mean that, literally. Decisions, decisions....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Best and Funniest Halloween Costumes of 2011

2011-10-10T03:50:00.000-07:00

Every year, my "Best Halloween Costumes" post is awaited eagerly by the masses - on par to Muslims awaiting the arrival of Salman Rushdie's latest novel. Going back and reading my 2009 and 2008 versions, I realize what an amazingly funny, once-in-a-generation writing talent I am, but I also realize that I cannot repeat the same jokes every year. For instance, I can't express bitterness that girls have it so easy when coming up with halloween costumes - taking any middle-tiered occupation and making it.... SEXY! Librarian? Unbutton the top two shirt buttons, wear a red bra, wear a short skirt and... SEXY librarian! Cop? SEXY cop! Nurse? SEXY nurse! - or, I can't express disdain over people taking that year's biggest news story and becoming... Roy, of Sigfried and Roy, getting bit by a stuffed tiger, Balloon Boy, or Octomom. In fact, this year may be the most difficult year for costume creativity. You most certainly should not dress up as Conrad Murray injecting Michael Jackson with Propofol (although it might work) or as Steve Jobs, unless you want to be a major buzzkill.

In years past, there was always a great movie hit that allowed people to dress up as Wolverine, Harry Potter, or an Avatar. This year, of the Top 10 grossing films, only three were NOT sequels. So you could go with Zach Galifianakis, but realize he didn't have a signature baby strapped to his belly this time, or you could go with Harry Potter again, but he's like 35 in the latest film and mostly looks bloodied and angry - which leaves you with Thor or Captain America, both of which means you either have to wear tights or a skirt.

Before I give you my AWESOME ideas for costumes and what you SHOULD do, take a look at some of the highlights I put together:

It would kind of suck that he has to stare at the wall most of the night, but how sweet/weird-looking would it be if he got lucky and was doing the nasty with someone and you were watching from behind?

I would've gone with the parachute toy soldier, but much like how that never floated to earth correctly as a child, I would probably die when attempting it drunk from the rooftop of a friend's house party.

I threw a few babies in here in case you hated the rest of this post. EVERYONE loves babies. It's like saying, "Knibb High Football Rules!" during moments of silence...

My kind of parents!

While unique, it will be a miracle if this gal makes out with anyone on Halloween.

This is the coolest thing I've seen since A-Ha's Take On Me video... I want to make sweet, sweet love to this gal. What? No one else has ever gotten a boner while reading comic books?!?!

Rather than a breathalyzer body kit, this one actually has a reward of alcohol in its spout. And Franzia! The best! Heck, I would pose for that ROI.

I want this guy to be my best friend.

So now that you have seen some of the highlights from others, (I would still like to see someone do my top ideas from last year), you can see my top ideas for this year! Keep in mind, I own all proprietary rights on these costumes in Silicon Valley - so if I see you wearing this costume, you are a thief and a bad person! I don't want that awkward moment where you see someone wearing the same outfit and you decide whether to walk in the other direction or embrace them for their mutual ingenuity.

This year, we're going to bring back characters we love. In reverse order, starting with number four, and going to my top choice of costumes...

#4 - Milli Vanilli:

It's like maple syrup! I know everything there is to know about them and their songs. I would blame the rain the entire night and then no matter what people said to me, I would respond: "girl, you know it's true." Cue large boom box. Mouth words. Instant dance party and classic.

#3- Anchorman Cast:

Not JUST Ron Burgundy. We've seen that plenty of times. But a crew of misfits that can reasonably pull off the entire news team. Minus that smelly pirate hooker, Veronica Corningstone, who's endangered the newsroom with her menstruation cycle!

#2 - Zoolander Cast:

Of course, I would be Derek Zoolander because my cheekbones already sit high on my face and I would pull out my chex-mix sized cell phone and tell every girl, "earth to Matilda..." as my first line of correspondence. Aaaaand.... probably add that to every sentence I begin. "Earth to Matilda, uh yeah, I want another drink..." "Earth to Matilda, uh yeah, there was a moment just now where you were sandwiched between the two Finnish dwarves and the Maori tribesman, where I thought I could spend the rest of my life with you...."

Finally...

#1 - Dexter!:

I added the exclamation point to Dexter Morgan's name, because he's my favorite. This is my top choice for costume this year because I don't have any friends to accomplish the other costumes. I have this one thought out well... his trademark green shirt that he wears for every kill, black gloves, a syringe (that I will pull out from my heroine stash), and two glass slides for the blood souvenir! I will not bring a knife because I cut myself anytime I come in contact with one. I am the world's worst knivesman. I even managed to cut myself with a potato peeler the other day. I didn't even know that was possible!!! But for one night, Dexter will allow me to feel like a man!

I wish you the best of luck in your own halloween costumes for this year. Maybe I've planted the seeds for a costume idea of your own - or maybe I've planted the seeds in your mind that you desperately want to make love to me - either way, you can't go wrong.

Sincerely,

Kevin L.

The Silicon Valley Serial Killer (of Bad People)

My Birthday Wish For You

2011-10-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

I can't help but notice the wrinkles around the eyes of my friends when I talk to them. Grey hairs. Laugh lines. The onset of the inevitable aging proces. It seems like yesterday we were college kids, partying without a worry in the world. Like high schoolers, trying to fit in. Like adolescents, trying to stretch out those precious play minutes between school and dinner... Now, I look around me and I see friends getting married, having kids, mortgages, careers, and stability - and the premonition of where they might be in 20 - 30 - 40 years...

I don't see that far for me.

Ever since I was young, I've had a crushing sense of mortality. One of my earliest memories was laying on the couch alternating between crying and hyperventilating (like only a young kid can do) - sad that one day my parents were going to die. My parents tried to alleviate those fears by telling me that day would be a long time away. My worries subsided for awhile, always in the back of my head, but coming back to reality as my grandparents - who grew as close to me as my parents - passed away during my high school and early college years.

I'm not afraid of dying as much as I'm afraid of losing. Losing the people I love.

I've never made a wish for myself. If my wishes get granted, they will happen for others. I can only pray. And wish. While this may seem like a selfless act, it's not. It's about as selfish as one person can get. I am terrified of losing anyone close to me. I want your dreams to come true, because that means you're still having them.

I never thought I was going to live a long life. It's the truth. But it's not sad. I like a little more, hate a little less, laugh a little harder, explore with more intensity, love with all my heart, and savor with all my insecurity. My threshold for heartache is small. Make no mistake, I am weak. But I am strong from the family that surrounds me. I am strong in the joys my friends have in their lives. I am strong from humor. And I am strong from love.

As I gain another year in age, I promise to be there for you when wanted at your child's birthdays, graduations, and their own sets of weddings. I promise to be there for you. Not because of duty, but because I want and need you in my life to keep me strong. I don't know where my life will take me, but I can tell you that I am happy as of right now. As with every birthday, I wish for you to make your own wishes and see them come true. Your joy is my strength and I thank you for letting me be a part of your life.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

The Best Party I Have Ever Blacked Out In

2011-10-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

As an "International Man of Leisure" (haha, thanks, Sis, for that affectionate moniker), I have been to my fair share of parties. In fact, after every weekend, I will probably say this to you when rehashing the details: "swear to God, bro, BEST. PARTY. I'VE. EVER. BEEN. TO." Which, of course, is mostly consummated and endeared in my mind because the night probably ended with a run to Taco Bravo, where I gorged on two Taco Delights, when the normal man is only supposed to eat one. But I kid you not, it will take a lot more than two Taco Delights to top Sean Parker's impromptu party - put together in 48 hours to celebrate the announcement of Spotify and Facebook's partnership.

Sean Parker, famously portrayed by Justin Timberlake in The Social Network, also happens to be this month's Forbes cover boy. He cracked the richest list with a value of $1.6 Billion dollars. On another note, I cracked the poorest list, with a value of $27.13 - which includes career and future earnings.

The party happened just a few weeks ago, but I'll never forget it. Well... all the parts until I blacked out. Who else puts together a party for about 200 people and has The Killers, Jane's Addiction, Kaskade, and Snoop Dogg flown to San Francisco to perform?!?! On 48 hours notice? Did I mention that Stanlee Gatti designed the warehouse where the party was located? In 48 hours? Not even Eddie Murphy and Nick Nolte could pull something like that off. It put almost every San Francisco nightclub to shame.

I had to Google Stanlee Gatti, but I was pretty darn impressed. Either he wrote his own Wikipedia page, or he is legitimately a man of note. I wish I had a Wikipedia page. It would probably go something like this:

"Kevin L. is an American blogger. He finished third in 1990 at a 5th Grade Science Fair at Sam Houston Elementary School in Huntsville, Texas. He has been hanging onto that accomplishment ever since, telling his mother that third place finishers don't have to "work" for a living. When ordering food at Panda Express, he often asks if there's a discount for Science Fair winners. When told that there is not, he often flies into a rage, yelling obscenities and mumbling words that compare his third place award to that of a Purple Heart or Congressional Medal of Honor. Kevin is banned from all 1400 Panda Express locations in the United States and Puerto Rico. His third place finish has never been confirmed."

When I first walked into the building that doesn't even have a name, (because it was empty 48 hours prior!), I was just trying to act like I belonged. 'Maybe people will think I'm an internet millionaire' - I thought to myself as I sported my unisex white jeans and tennies. But then I thought, 'damnit! I'm too good-looking, no one will ever believe that I'm an internet nerd!' But as I looked at the spread of over-the-top free food: lobster, oysters, crab, shrimp, spit-roasted pork (see below), and TOP-SHELF open bar by Rye SF, I stopped caring who people thought I was. I quickly set out to try every bourbon that was, literally, on the top shelf that I had never tried nor heard of before - Hibiki 12, Maker's 46.... Heck, there was $130 bottles of Deleon Tequila next to EVERY chair in the front by the stage. It was like heaven on earth.

Willie Brown was in attendance. Former SF mayor! Danielle Steele was at this party. She writes books! I don't read them, but I've seen them on the racks at the airport. At one point, during Snoop Dogg's set, I looked to my left and I was standing right next to Mark Zuckerberg and his girlfriend. I could've touched his face. We made eye contact. I gave him the "I'd fuck the sh*t out of you" look and he quickly moved away from me. It was awesome. The guy founded Facebook! The circles he runs in, I'm separated by a FULL six degrees, but all it takes is one person for me to be just a couple of degrees away from a LinkedIn request!!!! After that, we'll be inseparable!!! People will ask me for LinkedIn intros, but I will reject them, laugh, and tell them stories about how, "when Zuck-Dog and I hung out at Sean's party with Snoop...."

I have been to many parties where there's been free booze (my parent's liquor cabinet), and I've been to many parties and ate lavishly (when my parents are paying), but no party has ever combined top-everything under one roof and put me next to that guy who married Carmen Electra and Snoop Dogg! It was kind of surreal. It reminded me of those unplugged sessions that MTV used to do with artists and there would be like 50 people sitting in chairs watching. Only there were no chairs here. You could walk right up to them if you'd like. It was like renting out your own private karaoke room, complete with Snoop Dogg. Looking at the pics, it's like, 'let's put Snoop Dogg in a room with people who don't look like they should be hanging out with Snoop Dogg.' Look! Crazy.

Not ONE person holding anyone back. That security guard that looks like Bill Murray wasn't going to do jack. Too Short even showed up to party!

After gorging myself with pounds of pre-cracked crab and guzzling booze as if it were Gatorade, I blacked out somewhere during the middle of everyone jumping on stage with Snoop. It was amazing. While I woke up in the morning fully-clothed with no recollection of how I got home and so many whiskey stained spills on my white jeans, that it looked like I bought leopard-print pants, for once, it didn't matter that my night didn't end up with Taco Bravo.

I once thought I hit my peak in 5th grade, but I was wrong. I was wrong. Now I know that my life is truly on a downhill trajectory from here. Raiding my parent's liquor cabinet will never be the same....

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

New Ways You're Annoying Me on Facebook

2011-09-29T13:12:00.000-07:00

A while ago, my good friend, Bryce, wrote a guest post titled: "13 Facebook Habits That Make Me Want to Kill You." I would now like to follow that up with some of my most recent annoyances - an addendum, if you will. Besides negativity, (I can't deal with your God d*mn negativity!) I'm going to tell you what the heck makes me want to punch you in your face.

14. If you start or end any post that goes like this, "Most of you won't post this..." Shut the HELL UP already! I hate when that posts ends in something like, ".... but most of my good friends will." You might as well end it with, "... but the people who have a heart will." Essentially those people are trying to guilt-trip you into posting something. I'm not saying it's not for a good cause, but I don't like being strong-armed into it. Remember when chain letters in the 5th grade ended in, "if you don't send this to ten friends, you will have bad luck for seven years." Now things are a little more subtle: "Most of you won't post this, but if you've ever had a friend who had cancer, lost someone special, care about our soldiers who have lost their lives, then you will repost this for an hour." Ugh, I just want to beat you up. Just post your inspirational message for the day and leave out the "please repost" part. Dick.

15. I hate people who post status updates, but don't respond to direct questions or references from their commenters. I know you see them. Because you post a status update every few hours!!! You think you're so clever, but you just seem narcissistic when you don't respond to people's clever comebacks. Sure, my comments may be on the lewd and tasteless side - and bordering on stalker/creepy - but I DESERVE A RESPONSE!!!!

Status Update: "Today I'm reporting on a wild fire in Chico, I'm so thrilled to get ash and soot in my hair."

Comments:
Kevin L - "Hey, saw you on air. Was that the Anne Klein Spring Collection 2009 suit you were wearing? Looked good! Anyhow, I was thinking maybe we should get together sometime. Maybe get an Orange Mocha Frappuccino and drink it on my faux bear skin rug in front of my fire place (also faux). Let me know. I'm naked."

16. And, of course, you remember my fondness for Duck Lips... There is definitely nothing wrong with you posting 80 pictures from Vegas at the same daytime beach club, but there is if you are featured in ALL 80 of the pics with nothing new in the background and 75 of the pics have you and your stupid duck lips pose. You look like a real douchette. I just can't take anyone who poses like that seriously. If I were an employer, and I saw a pic of you with duck lips, I would automatically not hire you. (Then again, if I were an employer, the world would have a lot greater problems.) Typically, those girls stay single well into their 30s because they are dating douchebags. Clueless.

17. Finally, people who use Facebook to write sweet nothings to their loved ones. ON THEIR WALLS. Folks, this shows up to ALL your mutual friends and then some. Just like most of your friends don't like seeing you rubbing your noses against each other's making baby noises, we equally find it appalling that you chose the most public of forums to express stupid pet names and how much you can't wait to see the other in 5 minutes, when you return home. Try a text message. Phone call. Or flowers. (Which I'm sure you will post on Facebook for all to see - because your relationship is more about what others think.) Okay, maybe this is slightly mean, but I attribute this to Wes H. - he's got my back! Plus, people who send flowers just make me look bad.... Why can't people write things like, "my boyfriend didn't move from the couch today. He ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while watching cartoons all day." THEN, I would stand a chance. Dicks.

Well, I hope you have enjoyed this latest offering of "Things that make me want to punch you in your face." (You should be grateful, Bryce wants to KILL you.) For the next installment, I shall name my annoyances outside of Facebook, but the thought of leaving the virtual world scares me. You can find my avatar on Second Life, where I am engaged in a relationship with the hottest avatar you have EVER seen... who is most likely a dude in real life. Oh well. Ignorance is bliss!

That's me having sex. My hands are abnormally large. I remind me of Scarface. And I like watching movies with babies and puppies.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

How to Score Hot Women Faster than Celebrities, Pro Athletes, and John Stamos

2011-09-26T03:12:00.000-07:00

I have seen the promise land and let me tell you folks, it's glorious! I think I see Blue! Have you ever wondered what it would be like if you were Mario Lopez and walking into a nightclub? Or Tommy Lee calling up women in the audience to "party backstage" after a concert? What about Shawn Kemp in his hay day when he was in town to take on the local NBA team? Well, I have! "Hey Ladies! I'm Mario Lopez! Look at my dimples! And my sweet innocent smile! And remember when you loved me on Saved By The Bell!?!?" Next thing you know, BAM, you're being knocked up by A.C. Slater while he's calling you dirty names. He's so lucky. Monogamy to them is like getting cancer for most people, or becoming fat in LA - almost unfathomable, with a quick death a more preferable option.

So, you ask, how can you - a common, simple, neanderthal - score hot women at a more prolific and easier rate than a TV Personality, a Rock Star, or a Professional Athlete? Wait for it... It's genius. You sell pub crawls in tourist hotspots in Europe!!! It sounds so simple, but I have witnessed it with my eyeballs. Each one of them. Both with dilated pupils. I, of course, was mortified by these lady's lack of morals and chastised them by yelling out, "WOMEN, IF YOU DON'T RESPECT YOURSELVES, WHO WILL!?!?" I think the guys who were making out with these women appreciated my appeals towards rational, sobering dialogue. Several people bought me drinks - only they spilt most of them on my shirt and head.

My good buddy, Vince, who has given me permission to publish his name and pictures, went to Rome for the last eight months, where he worked for a company selling pub crawls at six euros for each person he brought in. He lived paycheck to paycheck, but he was more than compensated by hot tourist Vuh-J-J from Sweden, Australia, Canada, USA, Ireland, Austria, Finland, and just about every other country you can think of. You work as much as you want, standing outside tourist traps and approaching groups of girls or guys with the allure of going on a pub crawl with other young tourists who ALL want to get wasted. What young, single person goes on vacation and doesn't want to go out and get drunk? The pub crawls typically go to four bars/nightclubs, with the first bar hosting all-you-can-drink for the first hour. The cost ranges from 20-25 euros, and each major European city typically has two competing pub crawls. For Vince's pub crawl in Rome, I literally saw two couples - who had JUST met - making out within 20 minutes.

Vince said the best thing about doing this was that the girls he hooked up with always had to catch a flight or a train the next morning. The other positive aspect was that, whereas in the States, if you strike out Friday or Saturday night with the ladies, you have to wait a whole week to step up to the plate again; On these pub crawls, they took place EVERY night. No luck on Saturday? See you Sunday. And Monday. And Tuesday. Where else you going to go on those nights? If you're a tourist, you only have so many days to party... Anyhow, I won't let my words do the talking - I'll let the pictures speak for themselves. And, yes, he hooked up with most of these women. And ALL of these pics are now in a folder marked "private" on my laptop. (I think one of these pics is not really work safe, which means I can look at them ALL the time!)

So next time you want to know what it's like to be John Mayer, saddle up next to our very own local version and buy Vinnie a drink! But be careful not to actually share a drink or follow him up on the toilet seat - he's most likely carrying the herps that he likes to call "chapped lips" and "it's just a pimple on my penis."

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

Top 11 Party Destinations/Cities in the World

2011-09-21T05:14:00.000-07:00

Anybody who knows me, knows that I like a good party. And that I like my food cut up for me into bite-size pieces. And boneless buffalo wings - made from real buffalo. And blowjobs. Don't forget that one. Whilst in Europe, I did some research on top party destinations in Europe. Here's what one list said:

10. Amsterdam
9. Budapest
8. Mykonos
7. Munich
6. Riga
5. Prague
4. Istanbul
3. Barcelona
2. Berlin
1. Ibiza

I've been to seven of those cities - minus Munich, Riga, and Istanbul. But that got me thinking, I've partied with reckless abandon and forgotten more memories in five continents than most people retain in a lifetime. And since I never waste any time on museums, architecture, religion, or history, I figure that I should come up with my own list of top WORLD party destinations (I've been to) and explain the logic behind my rankings.

All the lists I found were vague and highly arbitrary. For instance if I was going for the most ridiculous, all-out party cities, where you wake up and people are getting drunk, the countdown of my list might look like this:

5. Phi Phi Island, Thailand
4. Mykonos, Greece
3. Cancun, Mexico
2. Ibiza, Spain
1. Las Vegas, Nevada

Or if I was picking places based off of culture, style, and sexiness, the list might look like this:

5. Miami, Florida
4. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
3. New York, New York
2. Hong Kong, China
1. Buenos Aires, Argentina

Or, if I were to give a weighted ranking - cities enhanced by an event - I might go with:

5. Columbus, Ohio - Buckeyes Tailgate
4. New Orleans, Louisiana - Mardi Gras
3. Vancouver, Canada - Canada vs. USA, Winter Olympics Hockey Gold Medal Game
2. Barcelona, Spain - Spain vs. Netherlands, 2010 World Cup Soccer Championship Match
1. Pamplona, Spain - Running of the Bulls

But instead, I will go with my favorite party cities based off of a complex algorithm calculating frontal lobe stimulation, loose morals, and penile arousal. Since most lists have a magic number of 10, I shall go with 11. Just like with six-minute abs, I like to live dangerously!

11. San Diego - As the city where I went to college, my heart will always hold a special place for San Diego. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, it has since attracted America's dumbest, free-spirited guys and girls. High school girls who did poorly in school and relied on their looks all the way to homecoming queens, flock annually to San Diego to pursue a lucrative job as a server, bartender, or San Diego Charger cheerleader. The best part of San Diego is that if you want to go out in your flip-flops and tank top, Pacific Beach is a wicked good time. And if you want to dress up for some high-class sophistication, the Gaslamp is filled with mini-skirts and 2.0 GPA-minds.

10. Cairns, Australia - In terms of name recognition or even people who might agree with me, this pick is controversial. For me, it has to do with the fact that by day, you can go snorkeling/scuba diving at The Great Barrier Reef, or take a day-tour of amazing waterfalls, or skydive, and then always come back to a small town filled with backpacking tourists from Sweden, Germany, Canada, Ireland, and other parts of Australia, who are ALL ready to party it up. And if you've read any of my previous posts, you know that tourists are always the ones who are the most promiscuous.

9. Hvar, Croatia - I like places that give me a culture-shock. I think being in the States you get a crash course in cultures from all over the world, but it's becoming increasingly hard to find a culture that I know very little about. That's why I love shows like No Reservations or Three Sheets (back before it was canceled - those SOBs!!!!!). Hvar is an island just south of Split and combines old world charm with new world amenities and night life. Bars and clubs surround the port area, similar to St. Tropez, but less snooty. Tourists from Australia, Brazil, UK, and Nordic countries can be found sunbathing topless, while a creepy Californian can be found nearby hiding in some tree branches with a pair of binoculars.

8. Montreal - Besides Montreal adopting a bit of the French arrogance, I thought the party scene was fresh. Yes, I brought that word back from 1989. I love my Canadian women. They are pretty and sweet. My buddy who sells pub crawls in Rome, and hooks up with tourists prolifically, says that Canadians rank at the top of the "easiest" list next to Swedes. This is a great trait to be know for and something I'm sure all Canadian women are proud of. I, of course, don't condone his premarital behavior. I find it lewd and disgusting. Montreal was the site of the Olympics in 1976 and also the site of where I had two girls who were positively 7s (or higher) fighting over my affection. Which event ranks higher in the minds of people everywhere?!? I think we all know the answer to that one...

7. New York - Any place where the predominant mode of transportation is taxi is a good thing. I've, of course, also written about this before, but taxis allow EVERYONE to get sh*t-can wasted and NOT have to deal with the sober driver who will cock-block your honest, well-intentioned "night-cap" all the way until you want to punch her in her face. Of course, don't do this, instead go and eat massive amounts of late night food until you burp and slightly vomit in your mouth at the same time. I hate it when that happens. NYC is a great party city. Their bars and clubs stay open later and the women are sleek and smart at the same time! Heck, they need a sexual one-night stand just as much as you. Any woman in New York will tell you there is a shortage of guys in the city, meaning they'll lower their standards to the point where you might have a chance!

6. Budapest - I didn't really know what to expect when arriving in Budapest. And sometimes that's the best way to do a country. It's like watching a movie without seeing the preview that shows you what to expect. Or reading a book without reading the back cover. Or having sex with someone in the dark. I was a blank slate, which is how my brain normally begins each day. I found Budapest to be really inexpensive, unpretentious, and lacking in testosterone and ego. At no point did I come across guys who were walking around with their chests puffed out looking for a fight because they can't dance and were having no luck with the women. People were humble and modest, and the women were approachable, friendly, and interesting.

5. Rio De Janeiro - Maybe the country with the sexiest women - not hottest - but sexiest. You just can't find another country boasting such amazing curves and attitude. There is not posturing going on here. This is not a country who believes they are inferior to anyone. Me: "I'm from the U.S." Girl: "So what, bitch?!?" ("I can count too. One. Two. Fo. Five. Countin' these rocks, bee-auch!") Me: "Thanks. Good talk. See you out there." This is a country that speaks to the language of the hips. And as a phenomenal dancer, I owned the night. Even though I knew very little Portuguese, I was like John Travolta in Grease Lightning... burning up the midnight oil. Sometimes my dancing would get too sexy and I would draw the scorn of jealous Brazilians and I would curse myself in inner monologue, "Damnit, why'd I have to go showing off like that!? Stupid. My taxes aren't exactly in line."

4. Hong Kong - It might be because of the heavy shopping and fashion culture, or the fact it was a U.K. colony until 1999, or the fact that hot people bred outside of Gov't constraints, but Hong Kong had some of the most attractive women I have seen - tall, thin, and (surprisingly) curvy. It wasn't just Asian women, but b-level models from Russia and other Eastern bloc countries. The city has an international appeal, with people from all around the globe. Heck, it was easier to get around with English than it was with Mandarin. (Cantonese is the dominant language.) I don't know if there are any other areas to party, but you don't need to go anyplace else besides the Lan Kwai Fong district for bars and clubs.

3. Buenos Aires - Buenos Aires is a sexy city. The women have attitude, style, and more humble curves than most latin women. The city has a European feel and flavor, embodying the American-overlooked tradition of siestas and taking time to enjoy one another's company. I have never been a fan of America's dominant 2am closing times. It forces people to rush, binge drink, and become sloppy. I loved being in BA, where people gathered to drink, talk, laugh, and then head to the clubs around 1am. There was never any rush. And no need for gag-inducing shots when you can drink all night... and morning.

2. Ibiza - As much as I claim to be a true sophisticated cultural being, this is the best place to see free, amazing boobies (in person!), giggle like a school girl upon seeing them, and secretly take pictures of the "ocean" in a pathetic attempt to capture the boobies for later pleasure. This is where Europe's hottest congregate, where they don't allow poor, fat Americans (unlike Vegas). I don't know if this is where Ecstasy was invented, but I have never been to a club where the bar area was so empty and people were still dancing out of their minds. I was baffled at first as to why there were more masseuses than cocktail waitresses, but then it hit me.

1. Las Vegas - It's called Sin City for a reason. People full-on expect to drink to their body's maximum allowable capacity... and THEN SOME. If you don't live in the United States, advertisements openly market the place as a place where you do things you wouldn't do anywhere else. That later regret COULD be you! There is perhaps no other place where it is easier to get laid. Not that I have ever gotten laid, but I have seen numerous people head out of the club with their latest one-night stand from my vantage point at the bar wearing my gold chain, fake glued-on chest hair, and repeated Binaca-spraying mouth refreshings. This tactic has not worked yet, but I've only been to Vegas 20 to 40 times. I'm due.

Well, folks, I'm a simple man. Some would say close to neanderthal - but I enjoy my libations, I enjoy life, and I enjoy the surprises along the way. While you may not be able to travel to far-off destinations, even if you're traveling to Sioux Falls, South Dakota for the first time, take a moment to enjoy the company you're with and savour not knowing what's around the next corner.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

How to Travel All the Time on a Bachelor Budget

2011-08-30T03:33:00.000-07:00

I get asked a lot of repeat questions. It gets tiring quoting myself all the time. Questions like, "Kevin, how do you sleep so much?" "Kevin, how do you drink so much?" "Kevin, how do you eat like a slob and have the body of a Roman God?" and "Kevin, how do you trick your girlfriend into believing she gave you chlamydia and not the other way around?" I am an expert at all these topics, and obviously a classy individual to boot. Perhaps the question I must answer the most? "How is it that you can afford to travel all the time?"

Well, well, well... who knew you could learn practical things from visiting this site!?! Once just a haven for drug-addicts, welfare moms, and rodeo clowns, SiliconValleyBachelor.com CAN still serve a purpose! First, disregard every notion you have that international travel is expensive - in fact, a trip to Hawaii, Las Vegas, Mexico, or the Caribbean islands is just as expensive. (I deem those last two as domestic travel.)

Rule #1 - Open and Always Use Your Rewards/Miles Credit Card

First, one important point: don't buy anything you can't afford to pay off at the end of the month. That's the only way that card can come back and burn you. Open a United or American Airlines reward credit card, because they fly to the most international destinations, giving you more flight options at a cheaper mile cost. Rewards cards typically give you a mile for every dollar you spend, but give you anywhere from 10k to 30k miles just for signing up. My flight to Amsterdam cost me 27,500 miles. 30,000 on the return from Munich.

Put EVERYTHING on your card. I get a one dollar McDouble from McDonald's - I run my card. I leave a tip for a 50-year-old Thai Masseuse who just gave me a happy ending - I charge that $3 tip. Here's another trick of the trade: cancel your credit card after that first year, because that $50 - $75 fee they waived the first year is about to kick in. Open another card with another company and you get those up-front miles again! Yippee!

I like this site for best credit cards: www.plasticiq.com/

Rule #2 - Don't Stay at Expensive Hotels

I typically spend less than $50 a night for accommodations - most of the time much less and sometimes free. How you ask? Well, let me get around to that. If I have the choice, I like to find a travel buddy so that we can split the hotel bill - meaning I can now find a hotel room for around $100 a night, which is going to be a decent hotel in the majority of countries in the world. If there is no travel buddy? Hostels are a good option. I've only stayed in hostels once, and that was in Australia. I was worried, but found that they were amazingly clean and you have built-in friends to party with. At $50, typically you can get a room with only 4 people and sometimes by yourself.

Now, about that free option... this may raise eyebrows, but the two times I've done it (Sydney, Amsterdam) they've been a VERY rewarding experience. I met great local hosts who showed me the town, got drunk with me, gave me keys to their house, and didn't charge me a dime! Check out Couchsurfing.org and Tripping.com - both free networks with people who enjoy traveling just as much as you do. Worried that your host may be an axe murderer or a Roman Catholic priest? Other guests leave reviews on your profile, so you can tell whether someone is legit. I have two reviews on my CouchSurfing profile, one of which says: "Kevin only tried to fondle me once during the night, but it was traumatic. I found it odd that he offered to sleep on the couch, but then made his way into the bed during the middle of the night. I recommend that you avoid Kevin's home at all costs." - Sincerely, Jerry.

Rule #3 - Take Public Transit

I used to take taxis everywhere, but those costs add up real quickly. $15 to the liquor store, $25 to the red light district, $10 to the donkey show, and pretty soon you are blowing your hard earned cash on unnecessary expenses. Taking buses and trains is how the locals do it. It's a great way to learn the city and save a TON of money so that you can tip heavily to that poor performer at the donkey show.

Rule #4 - Eat Local Food

I might eat one or two meals at a fine-dining establishment, but the rest of my meals take place ordering at a counter and eating while sitting on a windowsill with the rest of the locals. There's a reason that locals go to certain places, all you have to do is look for food where there isn't a tourist attraction.

Rule #5 - Pre-Drink

This may be the most important rule of them all. Spend the extra time to find a local supermarket, (which I LOVE, because you get to see what locals buy, their options, and tastes), but it saves you so much money. That bottle of vodka you just bought for 15 euros ($22 U.S.) is going to save you however much you think you can drink at a bar in a tourist city at 7 to 10 euros a drink. For me, that equates to a savings of about... 273 euros a night.

Well, folks, you can see how just a few small changes can make traveling affordable. Worldwide travel shouldn't only be relegated to our twilight years after the kids are away at college - it should take place while we're still young, vibrant, damn good-looking, and have a libido that makes you seriously think twice about eating an oyster, lest you hurt someone.

Feel free to leave your own travel tips in the comments below - in the meantime, I have a show to attend in Dubrovnik. They tell me no animals or humans will be harmed and that both have given their consent.

Cheers,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Whiskey Dick: The Untold Story

2011-08-15T14:13:00.000-07:00

Amongst men, there are a few things we don't really talk about... how much we actually DID enjoy Titanic and The Notebook (but only the first time watching them), and then there's Whiskey Dick.

Friend #1: Hey Man, you really think we should have this next drink? I've been having trouble getting a full-on erection when I get blacked-out drunk.

Friend #2: Well, Friend Number One, I agree with you, unlike my feelings toward your mom when she gave you that name. Alcohol can lead to serious side-effects, including heart disease, liver disease, cancer, birth defects and whiskey dick. Let us stop drinking now and pray.

I once read in a GQ Magazine, back when I still read other people's writings that weren't my own, and it told me that the way to a healthy member is to make sure that it constantly receives blood flow (aka ERECTIONS!). I quickly showed the magazine to my Mom who had told me that too much masturbation can lead to blindness, hairy palms, and decreased functionality and sensitivity down there at an older age. I then told her to leave me the hell alone and don't knock on my door when I put the skull and cross-bones picture on the door knob. Of course, she was allowed to knock if she were bringing up some meatloaf.

Those were the good old-days... It's been at least three weeks since she's brought me any meatloaf! I never know what she's doing in there. Anyhow, I digress, I have combatted whiskey dick by masturbating several times a day, particularly when drunk, so that I train my member to handle any situation that my body is confronted with. Oddly, I have never trained it to handle a female, but it'll handle alcohol. Oh. Yes. It. Will!!!

Recently, it has come to my attention that I have some hard-partying friends who will engage in the occasional night of popping a Viagra or Cialis when drunk. This shocks me. We are not talking about Newt Gingrich, but guys who are young, vibrant, stylish, and must work out. One of these friends explained it to me this way, he will do some recreational drugs, like cocaine, heroin, mushrooms, marijuana, and alcohol - but nothing serious - and will meet a girl who will want to "get it on" and then he'll pop half-a-Viagra to perform like a rock-star all night. I, of course, asked the most obvious question, which is "what did it feel like?" Which he answered, "amazing. We had sex in every position." Then I responded with, "no, what do boobs feel like? Like a bag of sand?"

He never did answer my question.

So, folks, I am telling you that there is a revolution out there. It started with Red Bull Vodka, and has moved on to Five-Hour Energy Drink Chasers, and now we're at the stage of Viagra and Cialis nightcaps. I, personally, don't believe in pill-popping... if only it came in the form of powder and you could snort it up your nose, THEN we might be talking here... On a more important note, if anyone has any idea what boobs feel like, please get back to me.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

The Six Stages of The SVB's Partying Life

2011-08-10T15:21:00.000-07:00

I recently got back from a trip to Las Vegas where I found out that I no longer have the capacity to drink alcohol like I used too. It's sad. I guess it's what Emmit Smith realized when he could only crack two yards a carry. Or Michael Jordan felt like when he was relegated to pump-fake jumpers. Or Elizabeth Taylor when she found out she could only pull unemployed construction workers for husbands.

I had a good run. (Cue Boyz II Men "It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday".... )

Whereas, before, I could black-out during entire conversations, dance for hours, come out of black-out engaging in pre-marital sex, eating Carne Asada Fries, standing on top of a police car holding a recently looted Panasonic television - now I black-out and immediately fall into the fetal position wherever I am standing. Bar Counter. BlackJack Table. Club Cabana. Hallway Floor. Bathroom Stall. Someone's Mom's Bed.

Sigh.

Now, like Bill Russell imparting wisdom to Dwight Howard and handing out trophies to the new generation, let me tell you about the good times... (that made us laugh. I will bring baaaaack. I thought we'd get to see tomorrow-ow-ow....)

Here are the six stages of alcoholic consumption in the SVB's life:

High School - In the drinking and drugs department, I was a SAINT in high school. A parent's wet dream. Ewww. I had maybe 2 beers in my entire high school career. Instead, I chose to focus on school and that 1.8 GPA I nursed through my sophomore year. I really don't know what I was doing. I didn't drink, do drugs, nor did I have good grades. I did a lot of activities though, none of which I really stood out: Class President (until my GPA got too low), Speech and Debate, Mock Trial, Newspaper Staff, Basketball, Track, Football.... although I WAS always the lead in my school plays - a group that shunned alcohol like no other. The few times I did go to parties, it was only to pick up a girl I was seeing who was by far the drunkest in the entire party. (Something I would be very familiar with later on in life...)

College - I still remember the first time I decided I was going to get drunk. I was 21 and with my friend, Marcie, and we told each other we would do it together. (See Mom! I obey the laws of the land!) There are pros and cons to getting drunk for the first time with a gal. Pros - you drink fruity drinks instead of bottom of the well tequila, vodka, and beer. Cons - you go to bars ordering Amaretto Sours and Midori Sours. I wish I knew what I do now, because I would've loved to have observed the bartender's face when they would say, "two Midori Sours. And for you?" Me - "No, one of those is for me."

Fast forward to 23 and my sixth year in college (What!??! A lot of people go to school for six years!). I had gone from Midori Sours to the most belligerent guy on campus. At my fraternity formal, my date and I blacked-out, apparently got too tired from drinking, sat on the middle of the dance floor, put our shoes on our hands and started dancing with our hands. We kicked and screamed as we were carried off the dance floor.

23-27 Years Old - I like to call these my "journalism years". (Okay, that's a lie. I have never once called them my "journalism years".) I was a news reporter. On television. And devastatingly good-looking. I had suits that made Frank Sinatra look like a hobo. I also had to move from San Diego to Pocatello, Idaho for my first job, where I would be making a whopping $18,500 that first year. Moving from SD to Idaho would be like eating Filet Mignon every day to eating the poop that comes out of the cow that was used to make the Filet Mignon.

This was the first time I ever drank for sadness (other than girl-related) and I didn't like it. I literally cried on the phone to my Mom, who said I could move home. But, very similar to a woman, I didn't want someone to solve my problem - I just wanted someone to listen and understand dry-mouthedness (- Rosie Perez). I quickly overcame my sadness by hosting lots and LOTS of parties for my other journalism friends. (This would become a life-long trend...)

28-31 Years Old - These were my high-society years. I was out of journalism and making some decent coin. I could go big and blow a couple of grand in Vegas. I would occasionally pass out, but not before having some earth-shattering sex with some unsuspecting female that didn't know what hit them. I swear, if it was judged on a minute-by-minute basis, it had to have been the best three minutes of most of those women's days. Followed by a lot of cursing, which I would just blow off, then roll over and fall asleep.

I drank well during these years. I was fine-tuning my palate. Trendy, but not too trendy. Ketel, instead of the cliched Grey Goose. Dom P instead of the rapped-out Cristal. Maker's Mark. Martinis with a specific three olives. Manhattans. A single malt Glenlivet, Glenfiddich, perhaps. Any Glen.

32 Years Old - Drink. Black-out. Move directly to massive amounts of drunk dials. Minutes later. Pass out wherever I am standing (or sitting).

33 Years Old - Retirement home. Or, if I'm lucky, living at home with my Mom. That way I can yell out for meatloaf any time I want. Followed by amusement and, "I never know what she's doing in there."

Well guys, I had a good run. No regrets. Except for that threesome opportunity I almost had!!! Hopefully there are some freaks at the retirement home.

And I'll take (take with me), with me the memorie-e-e-s, to be my sunshine after the rain.... a-a-a-in. It's so hard, to say goodbye, to yesterday-ay-ay-ay-AYYYYYYY.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Now that I can't handle my alcohol, I'm primed to be taken advantage of by photographers in my burgeoning hand-model career. And I'm more than just a fine piece of hand. I'm a finger jockey. We don't think the same as the face and body boys. We're a different breed. Me and J.P. Prewitt had the world at our fingertips...

7 Things That Annoy Your Girlfriend

2011-08-04T15:57:00.000-07:00

SVB Foreword: First of all, let me tell you that the SVB is now a published writer! Sure, I've been published in high school, college, been on TV in several cities, and wanted by authorities in several others, but now I'm in a magazine! It's like everyone else is moving forward in life, while I'm working backwards - from the most popular medium, in the internet, to print. Next year I hope to secure a job in the lucrative paper-route industry.

Alanna Bentley is my Editor at Register Magazine, based in Orlando, FL. She forced me to post her writings. So here it is below. (Kidding, I asked her.) You can read my article in Register Magazine on pg. 17 here.

Of the items on her list, I have only attempted 7 of these. I would like to add "gauge the possibility of a threesome" to this list. I can't tell you how many times I've had to pretend I was joking when I bring up, "hey, a threesome sounds like fun!" Death stare. ".... I'm KIDDING! I would never want to stick my peen in some other girl's vagina. GROSSSS!!! I can't even think about it." Silence. "So, you want to go shopping for some shoes... or something? My treat!"

By Alanna Bentley

Getting sloppy drunk. This is a no-brainer. Anyone, man or woman, looks a lot sexier sauntering out of a club with cool confidence than stumbling out the door with a friend holding up each arm as the bouncer hollers, "You can't take that drink with you." Sure, some women are open to “playing doctor,” but not when the patient is at risk of slipping into an alcohol-induced coma. But hey, if you're trying to go home alone then by all means have another shot of Jager.

Turning down sex. Come on! Really??? Women assume (and for good reason) that sex dominates 90% of a man's thoughts (the other 10% is filled with money-making ideas that he never follows through with). It's the reason he drives a nice car, has his own place, washes the sheets, goes to the gym, etc. So it is a damaging blow to a woman's ego when he's "just not in the mood." It’d be like a giving a woman a limitless line of credit and having her turn it down because she “doesn’t really NEED another pair of black shoes.” Try to explain that.

Pestering her to try the "back door." Just because your slut of an ex-girlfriend preferred back-door fornication does not mean all women find it pleasant. In fact, no woman has ever met another woman who "prefers" it. We're starting to think men are making these stories up. If you tell her this is something you want to do and she answers with a firm "Hell, no!" then dump the idea or dump her. Remember your last prostate exam? What makes you think it feels any better for her?

The "How's your day going?" text. It takes a woman, on average 12.7 FULL minutes of verbal conversation to explain the nuances of exactly how her day is going and why. It is genetically impossible for a woman to answer this question in a text message. Men KNOW this. So when you send a text that reads, "How's your day going?" What you're really saying is, "I care, just not enough to talk to you." You're better off sending a text that says, "Hope you're having a great day!"

Putting the ball in her court. When you first meet a cool chick and you exchange numbers don't end the conversation with, "Give me call if you want to hang out." First off, if she gave you a legitimate phone number then she wants to hang out. Secondly, you're a man. If you're interested in her, pick up your balls and call her. By putting the ball in her court you're forcing her to pursue you and, frankly, that makes you seem uninterested and not worth her effort.

The rental-movie date. Let's face facts. When you invite a woman to "come over and watch a movie" it’s because you’re hoping there’ll be more coming than watching. This is not a valid first or second date, it is just an obvious attempt at sex without having to dole out cash for dinner. Save the quick, meaningless flings for the girls who answer your 1:45am texts.

Playing video games. Watching sports or playing video games are both great ways to spend the day. With the GUYS. A woman doesn't want to come over just to sit and watch you make it to "Arson investigator" in a riveting game of L.A. Noire. If that's what you plan to do at least tell her to bring a book so she can decide if she would rather stay home and give her cat a bath because even THAT would be more interesting than sitting on the couch while you ignore her for a digital game of cops and robbers.

The 10 Things You Should Do For Your Girlfriend When It's That Time of Month

2011-08-02T21:51:00.000-07:00

SVB Forward: It's been awhile since my friend Saaara has been featured as a guest writer on SVB. She's been busy winning an Emmy. I kid you not. She's actually not the first friend I have that's won an Emmy, but she is the first to win one for a daytime soap opera. Interestingly enough, I have many friends who are outrageously successful and productive - making me quite an anomaly. Although, if you read my last post, I guess I do serve a purpose in friendship circles. "The SVB, although slow and dangerous behind the wheel, can still serve a purpose. Don't you go dying on me now!"

By Saaara

No matter how old guys get, they still seem petrified by a woman's menstrual cycle. I'm guessing if you're a boy and you just read that sentence, it sent shivers down your spine. Well, man up motherfuckers! Women have periods. And they suck. And supposedly menopause is even worse. But here are the top ten ways you can make things easier on us and on you. Trust. You don't want Aunt Flo's collateral damage to include a BLOW OFF.

10. Don't ever ask us if we're on our periods or if we're about to get our periods or if we're PMSing. Under no circumstances is this allowed. Sounds obvious, right? Then why do so many of you still do it?! We know what you're really trying to say is "cause you're being an uppity bitch" OR "I don't have to listen to whatever you're upset about, because if you weren't on your period you wouldn't be acting like Kate Gosselin on a bad day." You are totally allowed to say this...in your head, but this is a lose-lose scenario. If we're not on our period-- than you've just pointed out the fact that we're emotional basket cases all the time. If we are on our period, then you're a fucking dead man.

9. Get over your fear of period sex. And if you can't, then don't ask for a blow job unless you are going to cover that shit in Hershey's chocolate syrup. If we're feeling bloated, crampy, gassy, migraine-y, and suicidal BUT we still feel like giving you a blow job, then we'd be giving you one.

8. Remember that scene in No Strings Attached where Ashton Kutcher shows up with cupcakes and a Period Mix CD? Do that shit.

7. Don't treat us like we're lepers. Yeah, maybe we could use a little space, but when you're already feeling gross and ugly, it's just salt in the wound when you're boyfriend stops calling you and blocks you on Facebook.

6. Don't go down on us unless you're Edward Cullen. We said get over period sex. We did not say get over period oral sex. That story about the guy that pulls out that girl's tampon with his teeth is just an urban legend, right? right? RIGHT?

5. I know I'm reaching for the stars, sun, and moon here, but what if you made us a little period care package? Some Ibuprofen, a DVD of Steel Magnolias, those really warm cozy socks, an issue of US weekly, a box of tampons, and a bag of ho-hos. Just try it out and see what happens. We will most likely blow you. Well, I won't. I'll be too busy eating ho-hos and getting a panic attack when Julia Roberts goes into a diabetic fit (will somebody get her some god damn orange juice!)

4. Be perfect.

3. But not so perfect where we feel bad about not being perfect.

2. Don't leave us for an older woman just because she's going through menopause and you don't have to worry about her raining blood on your parade. Didn't I warn you that menopause is even worse? Don't you know how many pills and creams and injections it takes just for Suzanne Somers not to turn into a man? And don't leave us for a girl who hasn't gotten her period yet, because that would make you a pedophile.

1. If we get too tired and cranky, follow us into the bathroom and offer to change our tampons for us. Hahahahaha, totally kidding. It was worth it just to see the looks on your faces. SUCKAH's!

For more from Saaara, head to The Blow Off!

The 7 Friends You MUST Have in Your Life

2011-07-27T12:53:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to brag, but I've got over 737 friends (on Facebook), and unlike other people, I only add those I've had meaningful conversations with. (Except for that one gal in Chicago, who was so hot, I made an exception... then I promptly spent 18 straight days looking through pictures on her profile. She drinks her milk, that's for sure.) I also have 43 friend requests waiting in the wings, but I am in no rush to consider anymore friendships. They will have to wait to taste this forbidden Facebook fruit. How does one person become so popular, you say? I know my place. And I know the places of my friends.

Here are 7 types of friends you either have or should have in your life:

- The Planner
This is the person that is so responsible it hurts. Every group needs this person. He/she has every detail of every trip planned out, complete with printouts and itineraries. When a decision needs to be made, this is your person. The Planner also most likely knows several languages, most importantly Spanish, so that when that Mexican cop tries to extort money out of the entire group, he/she is spitting out 100 impressive-sounding words a second, that forces the cop to backtrack, give directions to our destination, and wish us well as we depart.

- The All-American
This is the guy that you love to hate, but you can't. He's naturally good at everything: sports, drinking, women, life... He magically looks good when waking up in the morning or coming out of the pool. He never has to fix his hair, because it just falls into form as it he were posing for an Abercrombie & Fitch ad. In the female form, the All-American is that girl who says hi to you, but you envy from afar, because she's probably dating an Olympic Water Polo player.

- The Outrageously Obnoxious
This is the person who gets sh*t-faced drunk at all times. He/she doesn't stop at one or two drinks. EVER. This person can get away with racist comments, cracks about handicapped children, and call you (to your face) the dirtiest names in the book - and, yet, everyone still likes him. He/she pushes the boundaries of polite banter and into the world of your deepest darkest secrets.

- The Funny Fat One
This is the portly, un-intimidating friend who no guy or girl finds threatening. He always has lots of girlfriends, but it's doubtful that he's ever been with any of them. In fact, amongst the friends, the jury's still out on whether he's a virgin. This friend is so sweet and lovable, he rarely has to buy his own drinks, and girls feel perfectly fine sleeping next to him. He's the guy who has your girl laughing all day, but you're not worried one bit. As a female, this friend is more vocal about her lack of sexual activity. She'll openly flaunt the fact that she wants to f*ck someone in this room tonight. (That's where the SVB comes in!)

- The Degenerate
This is the friend who hasn't had a job since having to clean the chalk board erasers in 3rd grade. He/she constantly asks to sleep on your couch and frequently inquires whether you're going to finish your drink. He gets blacked out drunk the majority of the week and wakes up in strange places that he can't explain. She sleeps until 2pm, and only because it's too hot to sleep any longer. This is the friend that everyone likes to keep to feel better about themselves. Lost your job? Hey! Look at your degenerate friend to feel better! 401K took a big hit? The degenerate doesn't even have any money! Barely passed your STD test? The degenerate has failed them all! In the female form, we call this person the whore. In the male form, we call him the SVB.

- The Brings Nothing to the Table
This is the friend who comes in many forms. They are there, but you don't remember one humorous, memorable thing they did all night. They neither hit on any girls, went home with any guys, or bought any rounds of drinks. Most morning recaps go like this, "Joe Blow was THERE last night?!?! Oh yeah!" At the very least, they cover their share of the bills and offer you a recap of YOUR blacked-out night. "K-Leu, you totally made out with this fat chick."

- The Relationshipper
This is the friend who will help you move, set up your surround-sound speakers, play in your fantasy football league, but clearly would rather stay home with his woman then spend a night drinking with you losers. He/she only comes out once in awhile, because he/she knows it's what must be done to appease the rabid animals that make up the rest of the group. The Relationshipper stands drinking his/her beer, looking on with confidence and amusement, knowing that they are over it and better than everyone else in the bar. They somehow disappear and make it into their egyptian cotton bedsheets by midnight.

So there you go. I'm a big fan of balance and I've got a great mix of friends, but the above are what you need to live a happy life. Some honorable mentions include the nerd, who helps you when your computer gets a virus when you accidentally clicked on that porn site; the foodie, who goes with you on your culinary pursuits, but not much else; and finally - the quiet listener, whom you can count on to listen to your woebegone tails without offering a solution, because you don't really want one.

If you need a Degenerate in your group, I already represent for several groups and have a hectic schedule of sleeping and drinking, but I'm open to possibilities. You'll have to get in line though - there's 43 people in front of you.

Sincerely,
Kevin L
The Silicon Valley Degenerate

Writing Your Own Letter of Recommendation

2011-07-19T16:47:00.000-07:00

I recently asked my friend to write me a letter of recommendation, after all my business colleagues, close friends, and family members all declined - stating a lack of good things to say. My friend promptly asked that I write my own letter of recommendation, send it over to him, and then he would sign off on it. At first, I felt this to be rather awkward, writing such flattering comments about oneself, but then I remembered how much I enjoy looking in the mirror each morning. And about how I relive the highlights of my day, in my mind, each night as I go to bed. Finally, I need not look any further than my own blog to find massive amounts of cleverness and inspiration to write a truly glowing account of myself.

Here goes:

"To Whom It May Concern,

I'll never forget the day I met the SVB. I remember it like it was yesterday - time stood still as the SVB first walked in the door. The Beatles were playing on my iTunes. The birds were chirping outside of the office window, but for one fleeting moment, my world gained clarity and purpose.

It's difficult to state the impact Kevin has had on myself and the company. How does one state the importance their mother or father had on their life? How does one put into words the impact Ghandi or Mother Teresa made in this world? You can't. I will say that Kevin is nothing short of a genius. Have you heard of Socrates? Plato? Aristotle? Einstein? Hawking? Morons next to the SVB.

Without coming off weird, I would love to be him, just for one day. Find out what's going on inside that beautiful little head of his. Right underneath that finely manicured hair. Oh! That hair. How does it stay in one place so discreetly, yet confidently!??! The world may never know. Do you remember that scene in the Silence of the Lambs, when Buffalo Bill wears that outfit made of human skin? I now understand why he did that and sympathize. I want to wear Kevin's skin.

I highly recommend Kevin for your program. While this will take him further away from my leering eyes at work, he will never be far away as there is a tree branch outside his bedroom window and a pair of binoculars that I own. Please do not hesitate to contact me, for I have a diary full of other commendations.

Sincerely,
William Cody
Director of Marketing"

The Key Factors in Hooking Up in a City

2011-07-14T19:51:00.000-07:00

As you may know, I spend unhealthy amounts of time analyzing how to increase the common man's prospects for intercourse. I just love the word "intercourse". No one uses it, except for the old lady in The Wedding Singer. "Will this be your first time with intercourse? You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men. That was a lot back then. It'd be like two hundred today!" God bless her soul. She could feed me with meatballs any day!

When exploring what city to visit next with the best odds for intercourse, you must weigh a few factors:

- The Bridge and Tunnel Crowd - this is a term given to people who come into the heart of a city by way of bridges and tunnels to get their party on. These are also the people who are not very likely to hook up with you in a drunken rage of passion. Because that walk of shame just got a lot longer and more shameful as they have to take the bus in the morning to the train stop that leads you out of Manhattan or San Francisco and into New Jersey or Livermore.

- Taxis - a city's dependency on taxis is always a great indicator for hooking up. Those that live in the heart of a city and take taxis everywhere get WAY more inebriated than say people in Los Angeles, who have to drive back to Long Beach, Pasadena, or Thousand Oaks. Anyhow, it doesn't matter. You could be in downtown LA and no matter where you go, your home is at least 30 minutes away. PLUS, the one person who draws the short-end of the stick, always has to drive like 7 people sitting on each other's laps so that everyone else can get wasted. But because of this, that means there are just THAT many more cock-blockers who aren't going to let their girlfriends go home with you.

- Tourists - the more likely that a city draws tourists, the better your chances. Think about cities like Vegas, Ft. Lauderdale, New Orleans... EVERYONE can walk to the bars/clubs, take taxis, AND go back and forth from their hotels at any time. "Your place or mine?" has never been so easy!

- Inferiority Complex - branching out a little from U.S. destinations (although this still works here in podunk towns), Americans have a much easier time hooking up with girls in second-tier countries that idolize U.S. pop culture. We bring a real world perspective to Rachel and Ross, and David Hasselhoff and Pamela Anderson. "Why, yes, I DO come from the country that made those hit shows. They all live just a few miles from me..."

- Universities - cities rife full of colleges and universities (not sure what the difference is) are always great times, because college students make the worst hook-up decisions of them all. The best part is that it's acceptable behavior! Your friends don't give you dirty looks, in fact, they give you dirty looks for being a prude. Places like Chicago and Boston are full of universities.

- Types of Industries - like with all things women (or alcohol), I do my research. Cities with large Healthcare institutions, Educational services, or Advertising/Public Relations services, are gold mines for a great ratio. They account for 78%, 69%, and 52.3% of the workforce in those fields. Fortunately for Silicon Valley, we employ the two most dominant male industries: Technology and Construction. That's why I've been a champion of healthcare in Silicon Valley for all those engineers and computer programmers that can't afford it.

Welp, there you go. An area may have hot women, but if all you get to do is stare, you might as well stay home and watch porn. Now, if you want to have intercourse with at least eight women before marriage, I suggest you be judicious with your choice of travel destinations. And when you're laying next to that beer-goggle enhanced hottie, you can say to yourself, "now that's a good meatball."

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Why You Must Watch How Much Your Woman Drinks Before Considering Marriage

2011-07-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

I have dated many lushes in my life - odd how that works out even though I only spend 40 to 50 hours in bars each week - and I have come to the conclusion, you can't date a woman who gets drunker than you. Fortunately for ME, this is very hard for anyone to attain. I view drinking as a competition as soon as that glass hits my lip. Yes, lip - singular, because my other lip never closes in on the glass as the vino, beer, or bottom-of-the-well vodka is guzzled down my throat like a flaming shot. I then giggle quietly before roaring my approval yelling out: "fill this b*tch up!" Then I quietly ask, "it's still happy hour, right? GOOD. That's what I thought, you sumb*tch!!!"

It's at this point that I am quickly marked by bouncers as a future target for a roughing up - once I've ordered enough drinks to cover everyone's paychecks. This type of ludicrous binge-drinking is acceptable by most women I date and a clear indication that they will have to be the "mature" one and stay semi-sober because it's obvious that I have no intention of responsibility or driving home. I like it to be known that all signs point to a quick death if given the keys to an automotive vehicle.

Now, I've seen that look time and time again from my friend's girlfriends and wives towards their drunk guys. That look of disapproval and the "your sloppiness is utterly disgusting, equivalent to that of a 2-year old eating spaghetti with their hands." For me, that look doesn't bother me. If you binge quickly enough, you will be blacked out by the time she is shaking her head in disapproval.

But this story has a moral. There was once a time when I was not the champion of immediate drunkeness. This has maybe happened twice in my life with women I dated, and I was miserable. In fact, one of those "times in my life" was with the guest writer of the previous post. I can tell you're not shocked. I'm used to being the one who blacks out, leaves his keys, wakes up with bruises in unexplained areas, an ID and credit card absent from its wallet, receipt stubs from several venues in my back pocket, and a burning sensation when peeing. Do you know what it's like to go out with someone who gets wasted, unconsciously flirts with guys, leaves her coat, loses her cell phone, and is a threat to get arrested every night?!?! It's fun sometimes when you're at home, but NOT when it's just you two at the bars. You sober up mighty quickly knowing that if you both black out, there's a good chance you'll wake up in Tijuana as a sex slave in a dark, deserted alleyway.

There's a great song by Trent Tomlinson called "Drunker Than Me" that came out in 2005 that conveys exactly how I feel. It's country, btw, the greatest genre of music and a hidden wonderland of female talent.

Isn't that a great song? I'm serious. Listen to it. My eloquent words will stay right where they are.

So fellas, let your woman drink as much as she wants and see what happens. If she exhibits any of the behavior mentioned in the video, you should give her the "we're growing apart" line or tell her you want to try a threesome. And ladies, if this is who you are, wait until he puts a ring on it and then let the party begin! I'll meet you in the bushes where I'll be passed out in my puke.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

How Do You Give a Great Blowjob? The How-To by a Blowjob Instructor

2011-07-05T16:17:00.000-07:00

SVB Foreword:

Unlike my guest writers, I choose to semi-bleep out my curse words. I will be going to heaven, unlike those sinners. (You've be warned about the following post and its graphic material.) I'd now like to introduce you to one of the funniest people I know - second only to myself. She once had a promising future at an institution of higher learning, but then met me in high school and was relegated to San Diego State University - home of Marshall Faulk and a drug-ring involving hundreds of students.

By Sasha Rene

So… I was asked by my dear friend K. Leu to guest write on his bachelor blog on how to give a proper blowjob. How flattering! He must still be thinking about that afternoon back in ’96 when I first swallowed his warm Clorox – I must have been his best! OR, I guess it could be because I own Blow by Blow, a blowjob workshop-party business that gives ladies hands-on instructional blowjob lessons. Well, either way I’ll maintain it’s the former.

The thing about blowjobs is most women just don’t understand how incredibly important they are to men. I like to explain it like this; blowjobs are to men as romance is to women. You need it to keep a relationship alive! I could be completely wrong in that analogy to some of you, but basically, the bottom line is men just need you to suck their dick. Soooo, ladies, it’s up to you to do it to keep your man happy!

Even as an instructor I can honestly say giving head is not my favorite pastime; I prefer to eat or sleep (now can you see why Kev and I were high school lovers). However, I have always wanted the guy I was dating – or the guy I was with just for that evening – to be happy and to have a good time, so I’ve always had cock sucking on the menu. So even though you don’t love it, it should be understood you are going to do it because, a) it’s a good idea to keep your man satisfied and b) it’s important to be a contributor in the bedroom – NO ONE likes a selfish bitch. [smiley face]

Blowjob Theory

I. Enthusiasm

So why haven’t we talked about sucking it yet? Because, you horny men, there is a lot of blowjob theory to be learned before a woman even puts her mouth on it that can help her give a much better blow job than she is already giving. To start, in my opinion one of the most important parts of giving a blowjob is enthusiasm. Ladies, imagine if you were to ask your dude, “will you go down on me?” and he replies with “uhhggg! tonight?? Pshhh, fine!” How fucking special would you feel? Not very special and not very sexy at all, right? So don’t fucking do that to them! You KNOW you have! If you show absolutely no enthusiasm, your blowjob is already lacking.

II. Initiating

But how can you get excited about putting his junk down your throat? Well, my advice is to simply control the situation by initiating it. Do it on your own terms at the right time for you. For example, wait until he’s out of the shower so you don’t have to stress about his ball funk, and just attack him! I promise you this is going to be a win-win. 1) you’re getting clean twig and berries, 2) he’s going to be stoked he didn’t have to ask for it AND you’re acting like you into it/him, 3) you won’t be pissed because he didn’t ask you, again, to give him a blowjob at a bad time. However, this initiating the blowjob tip only will work if… YOU INITATE THE BLOWJOB. That means you actually need to step up and give him a blowjob before he asks for one again.

III. Be Vocal

And just one more really important part of cock sucking before I lay down the skills. Being vocal is so important!

Chicas, you must be able to tell a guy straight up what you are thinking – hints don’t really work with anyone. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you hate, just mind your bitchy tone. And guys, you need to tell us what’s on your mind too. Here are some things that may not be being said or what you may not be gathering from your lover’s kind hints:

a.) You’re Taking Waaaay Too Long

Guys, I know you may be trying to savor the wonderful warm suction feeling, but you are really hindering the possibility of getting more blowjobs. The number one complaint I hear from girls at my parties is it takes too long and jaws start to hurt. Yes, guys it’s possible they could be screwing things up themselves by breaking rhythm or saying something stupid, however, you know you are guilty of trying to keep yourself from blowing your load because you’re savoring it. Well, know this: the longer you take the more your lady hates it and the likeliness of you getting another BJ anytime soon goes down. If you are quick – and I’m talking in the ballpark of 5 minutes – you could help boost her BJ self esteem and have her leaving your junk thinking, “well that wasn’t so bad.” We’re serious dudes! During a blowjob is not the right time to be showing off your stamina. So speed it up! She’ll be more willing to come back for more. Just try it man!

b.) Skull Fucking Isn’t Cool

As cool as it sounds and as cool as it feels, it really does feel like you are fucking our skull. Awesome for you, gag-fest for us. Just limit the skull fucking to the nights where you guys are getting down hardcore, like when she’s piss drunk and won’t remember anyway. So ladies, the best way to avoid this is to give a blowjob with your guy lying on his back. This will limit his thrusting for the most part, but it’s still up to you ladies to put them in check when their Elvis hips take off. And guys, be kind too! That includes your hands on the back of our dome thrusting our heads. Be gentle.

c.) What the Fuck do you Want

This should definitely be talked about – what the fuck do you want? Neither of us are mind readers! Guys, if there is something we are doing wrong or you want more of, tell us… nicely. If you want a finger up your ass, tell us. If you want us to suck you super hard because you have no feeling in your dick, say that too. If it bothers you that she keeps asking, “am I doing it right,” tell her. If you want him to hurry up, tell him, “two minute warning.” You can tell each other anything as long as you mind your tone.

Ok, Ok – now that we’ve got some theory down, let’s get to some cock sucking. Ladies, these tips are for you, so start taking notes.

How to Give Head

To suck a good dick you’ve got to start with a nice wet, wet mouth. If you’re like a pothead with cotton mouth, consider using the cool glass of ice water trick. When you drink a bit it will make your palate wet and the cold sensation feels good on their meat stick. Also ladies, if you deep throat him to the point of gagging, the gagging creates lots of saliva! Just a thought.

Get it Really Wet

Now that you have a nice wet mouth, get all that wetness all over his junk – and I mean all of it! Lick up and down his shaft like it’s a melting scoop of mint chip to help get him hard. Lick all over, again, I mean all over his sack and lick behind his sack. Some of you guys and gals may not be open to that area – the taint, choad, bonch, gooch, perineum – but if can get over your “near the asshole” fear, you’ll open the door to a whole new level of enjoyment. So ladies, as I was saying, hit up the area behind his balls and then once his sack is nice and wet, stay here. The phrase “mind the stepchildren” comes into play here.

Tea Bagging

To give a successful blowjob, you’ve got to tea bag him! While stroking his shaft, gently suck on his sack until the nut pops in your mouth. Once his ball is in your mouth, swirl your tongue all around it and play with it in your mouth. Go back and forth popping each nut into your mouth, going back every now and again to licking the whole sack area. I encourage starting your BJ journey here and spending a bit of time with the boys to help boost his arousal before you start bobbing (the part where you’re most likely hurting your jaw). It’s a huge erogenous zone for him and nice head start to achieving the load-blow for you.

Bobbing

The main and most important part of a blowjob is plain and simply the cock sucking. You’re lack of skill here can make or break the hummer so pay attention. Again you need to remember to keep it very wet, the wetter the better to keep everything gliding smoothly and ultimately avoiding dry rubbing. Next it’s imperative that you maintain a barrier with your lips ensuring the teeth and the dick never meet. It’s sad, all of the horror stories I’ve heard of gaps in teeth and snaggle tooths cutting up guy’s shlongs. So don’t get sloppy, ladies! Cup your lips over your teeth so your lips are the only things ever hitting the surface! Once you’ve got a wet, teeth protected mouth you are ready to chicken head that shit.

With your mouth around his unit, you want to slide your mouth up and down continuously using a nice medium suction. You always want to pay attention to his reaction to gauge what he likes best, so if you start off with a medium suction, suck a little bit harder and see if you get a moan or a pelvic jerk to let you know you’ve reached a good suction. Keep in mind bobbing is the best move to use in order to achieve orgasm, so it’s really important that you do your best not to stop and break your rhythm and loose your progress. When you stop bobbing he starts to lose all that momentum you worked on that was getting him closer to his climax. So if you must stop bobbing, remember to at least go back to the balls or give him a little hand job – just don’t keep your mouth off him too long.

Tongue Action

As you suck, your tongue should be doing something as well. A nice firm, flat tongue on the base of his penis is always good and helps make your mouth feel a lot like a vag – which is a good thing. But moving your tongue in a zig-zag formation feels good too, and when you sliding towards the top of the head, lick the V part (frenulum) on the underside of this head for a nice little tickle.

Use Your Hands

While you are bobbing, you must do something with your free hands! I wrap my right hand around his unit, specifically my thumb on the bottom and my pointer and middle finger on top and have them follow my mouth up and down, up and down. It slides in the same rhythm of my mouth as it’s giving a nice little hand job to the base as I cover as much of the top as my mouth can handle. And if I’m sitting right, usually crossed leg in between his legs, I can use my left hand to cup and gently massage his sack, so I’ve got a nice erotic hodgepodge going on in his crotch region. You may think this seems like over kill, but I promise it’s not.

Going for the Gold

As we approach 5 minutes, I know there’s gonna be some sore jaws out there, so you can start thinking about wrapping things up. Like I said ladies, feel free to give the two minute warning “you’ve got two minutes” if you feel like you need to. Sorry dudes, but I want to make sure you finish, so at least you are getting a warning instead of a girl that gives up – which some do! So ladies, as you go for the gold you should pick up the pace! Your bobbing should be faster and your suction a bit harder too. The hand on his shaft should also move faster and grip a bit harder; but remember your hand job should slide on the skin instead of pulling the skin up and down. You should be drooling uncontrollably at this point.

As you are violently sucking him off, I really recommend simultaneously massaging his choad/taint/etc. with your fingertips to get him to come super quickly – like, really recommend it. Massaging the taint is essentially massaging his G-spot and the taint is easiest point of access. The other option is going up his a-hole about 2 inches and looking for a small nut to massage. If you happen to have a small vibrator, like a Bullet, you can wrap your hand around it and hold it in his choad area so he gets a nice vibration. Put it directly on his choad if he can handle the full throttle. It will either feel amazing or homo-like to him, so it’s up to you two to try it out. If he allows you to do this, you better start thinking about what you want to do with his load because it’s coming soon.

In your last few minutes of cock sucking, I always recommend going the extra mile, doing anything you can to drive him even more crazy. Definitely open your mouth a little wider and jam as much of his salami in your mouth as you can - I call this the Disappearing Dick Trick. That extra inch of meat you can stuff in your mouth will create and excellent visual and feels fuckin’ awesome. Also, a little dirty talk is always a nice boost. Since he is about to erupt, you need to figure out what you’re going to do with his load so now is the perfect time to tell him where you want it. Him hearing you say it is porn to his ears. A simple “I want you to come on my tits” is enough to get any guy to nut.

Spitting or Swallowing

So we’re just about there ladies and gentlemen, and it’s time to talk about the controversial spitting, swallowing or sitting there and doing nothing. Ladies, I beg of you to step up just a little bit and not ever sit there and do nothing. If you’ve followed most of my pointers you should be very successful up to this point and you don’t want to lose your street cred’ by making him jack himself off at the end. If you don’t like to swallow, consider the second best option of having him come on you. Really, a little come on your boobies isn’t gonna hurt you, and you know, it’s said that semen is a great anti-aging agent. Really, Cleopatra used to bath in it! And if you’re just really super opposed to swallowing but still really want to leave a lasting impression, the just-as-good alternative is having him jizz on your face. Yes, degrading, I know…but a powerful closer!

Mastering the Swallow

For my strong, take-one-for-the-team type ladies that swallow – good for you! You are part of the few and elite that know that an amazing blowjob ends with you swallowing his manhood. I’ve always understood that guys love it so freakin’ much, so I’ve always done it to be the best that I can be – but that’s just the perfectionist in me. Now don’t get me wrong, that shit tastes nasty, but over the years I’ve learned to master the swallow to a point that I don’t even taste it anymore. So if the taste is the deterrent for you ladies, follow these few simple tips. As you are violently sucking him to his climax, pay attention for the signs that point to him coming. His moans get loader, he yells, “I’m gonna come,” or my cue is when the penis starts to kick. Once you feel the kick in your mouth, that means he’s about to jizz. What you want to do is stop bobbing up and down and keep the penis in the back of your mouth while your hand continues the jacking off motion; your head will be stationary. Keeping the penis to the very back of your mouth, suck his load back while not allowing the come touch any part of your tongue except the back. Once he’s done, without breathing through your nose, suck back hard as you let his peen slide out of your mouth and immediately swallow his load like it’s a shot. And voila! You should be golden and shouldn’t have the horrible warm Clorox experience I had back in ’96.

So there you have it. That is what you call a blowjob. That is exactly how I give a blowjob and “60% of the time it works every time.” I hope all of you guys got a boner just reading this, and I hope you ladies feel like this is something you can do! Guys, if you like what you read, feel free to send your ladies my way! For those of you ladies that are more visual learners, you can sign up for my blowjob workshop and you and a group of your lady friends can master fellatio together. Our blowjob school comes to you and we apply all of these tips using hands-on training with cucumbers (cocks) and water balloons (balls). At the party you will also learn additional tips like fun “bells and whistles” that make blowjobs more exciting, different and enjoyable. A couple of my favorite fun tricks are delicious fruit-rollups on his dinger or blowjob pop rocks – so yum. Another awesome oral sex trick is Miracle Fruit tablets that turn anything sour tasting into a sweet taste. It’s like giving futurist/scientific head where spunk tastes like candy!

My Blow by Blow parties are tons of fun and great for all levels. And get this, ladies… you’ll leave with a certificate proving you are certified in cock sucking! For more information visit our website www.blowbyblowparty.com and don’t forget to Like us on Facebook to help perpetuate blowjob education!

Gay Marriage and the Straight Man - It's all gay!

2011-06-28T20:45:00.000-07:00

As one of the last remaining major civil rights battles of our time, gay marriage scored a huge victory in New York recently - making that 6 states that now allow two people who love each other to wed, regardless of race or sexual orientation. I couldn't be happier for the institution of love and those that choose to pursue it to its fullest legal extent. For too long, gays have been marginalized in society, hate crimes ignored, derogatory terms overused, all along the way towards making gays feel like second-class citizens.

Much like Native Americans were compartmentalized, Chinese lynched and excluded, blacks not given equal rights, and Arabs racial-profiled and stereotyped - almost everything that has happened in the past to minority groups (and is vigorously admonished by society today) is STILL what gays and lesbians must wake up to on a daily basis. It's shameful and a tragedy.

Do I feel a little uncomfortable watching two guys kiss on Glee? Yeah. Do I feel uncomfortable watching two guys kiss on True Blood? Yes. But you know what? I get more comfortable each time I see it. The problem is that mainstream media has been afraid to show it until now. Much like you never saw two people of mixed races kissing in a movie until the late 90s (and still not much today), this is something that helps ingratiate those virgin eyes. Mine included. And my eyes aren't even that virgin. They probably have herpes from all the things I've seen and done.

It's sometimes hard to be involved in such "macho" writings that involve bachelorhood, because you run into a lot of homophobic douches. It'll typically start out with gay comments like, "you're a fag," or "stop being gay." Sometimes it'll branch out into, "if a gay guy ever hits on me, I'll kick his ass." Really?!?! What if a girl kicked your ass for telling her she looked attractive? I don't agree with such blatantly stupid comments and I make my disgust for such comments known.

Frankly, I'm flattered when a guy hits on me. I say, "no thanks. I'm not gay, but I'm flattered," and then I walk with a little more confidence and feel a helluva lot sexier. Why not? Attraction is fairly universal. Gay guys don't hit on ALL guys, just like straight guys don't hit on all girls. Be flattered. It's not often that girls are going out of their way to say you're sexy. I chalk up my wins when I can get them!

But, really, this isn't about us straight folks. It's about a group of people that haven't been afforded the rights that we all have. I have many gay friends. I've been to gay clubs - most recently by myself last week to dance to some good music. Am I gay? No. Am I bi-curious? No. But I am Gay friendly. Also White friendly. Black friendly. Hispanic friendly. Asian friendly. It feels good to be open and tolerant, but feels even better for those who don't get the luxury of receiving it every day.

I stand aligned with the Gay community and against homophobic comments. Like the minority groups of our past, you will find redemption and, soon enough, vindication.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

Guest Post: Breaking Down the Back-Door Myth

2011-06-23T13:31:00.000-07:00

SVB Foreword:

In my history, I've had anal sex three times. There was a lot of alcohol, dirty words exchanged, some lube, some hair pulling, some screaming, and some slight embarrassment afterwards. It wasn't all that bad. When the older kids were done with me, they urinated on me and went about their business. You never forget your first time. Or second. Or third.

Below is a guest post from the editor of Register Magazine, Alanna Bentley. I will be a contributing columnist in the upcoming issue of her magazine, so I thought it best I would kiss her ass here and tell her what a big fan I am. But, seriously, her post is nothing short of hilarious.

By Alanna Bentley

If a woman were to ever say to you, "I would love nothing more than to jam a seven-inch rod up your back end," chances are you either killed her cat or slept with her sister. You would've had to do something pretty egregious for her to want to cause you intolerable pain. There would be no other reason behind such a violent act other than the cruel pleasure of seeing you suffer. At that point you know she hates you.

She's not going to sugar-coat it by telling you most straight guys actually don't mind this - prefer it, in fact! She won't keep subtly, but incessantly, bringing it up as something you should try because you "just might like it." In the throes of lust she won't try to be sly and slip it in thinking you won't notice the painful tearing or the sudden urge to take a fat, steaming dump on the bed (yes, that's what it feels like). And when all else fails she won't resort to petty mind tricks by telling you it's usually just the "younger" guys who are down for it anyway.

Legend has it there are breeds of the female homosapien in Orlando who, to this day, engage in the act of anal coitus. These bed-time stories are told over and over again by men (not women, mind you) who weave tall tales of seeing this with their own eyes. Mercifully, they leave out the details but the story is always the same. The heroine is a perky model-slash-actress of 21 years of age - maybe 22 but NEVER older than 23 - who spots a physically acceptable man gazing at her from across the way ("gazing" meaning "leering" and "the way" meaning "bar") ("physically acceptable" meaning she's been to three other bars that night and in her drunken haze realizes he might just be as good as it physically gets so she'll at least see if he'll pay for a few drinks).

As the legend goes, the man seduces her with sweet words of financial success (his own, preferably) and the make and model of his chariot, then showers her with gifts of vodka cranberry having already decided she would be the one. For that night, anyway. Unless the other girl returns his text in the next 20 minutes.

Later that night the man swoops the damsel off her feet and onto her knees where she asks - no, BEGS - to engage in an act that until 2003 was illegal in 10 states, Puerto Rico, and the military (punishable by life in prison in Idaho. Google it.). Apparently sodomy is how she always wanted her knight in shining armor to demonstrate his love and respect for her. She reciprocates the affection by leaving when it's over and not waking him up. The End.

The moral of the story is men are masters of myths when it comes to sex. No woman in the history of mankind has ever met another woman who raved about the pleasures of back door fornication. She may admit she's tried it, maybe more than once, but she will never describe it as the ultimate orgasmic experience. There are no women born with defects that cause their G-spot to be located in their anal canal. You may think she loves it judging by the involuntary cries coming from her mouth, but that's only because men have a harder time distinguishing between the sounds of pain and pleasure. Or, more likely, you simply don't care about the difference. Either way, just because we don't want to jam a foreign object through the back door of our temple does not mean we're missing out on some kind of existential life experience, so stop trying to convince us otherwise!

Writer's note: women in pornos are paid to look like they enjoy it, just like the men are paid to look like they enjoy the two-men-one-woman type of threesome.

How To Tell If You're a Female Douchebag (or Douchette)

2011-06-21T13:29:00.000-07:00

Recently, one of my friends began referencing my post "How To Tell If You're a Douchebag" and talking about a female douchebag she'd met - I was so overjoyed that she was quoting my writing, which is my own personal favorite pastime, that I completely tuned her out and began getting aroused. I quickly got off the phone and re-read the post, laughing myself until the Bartles and Jaymes was coming out of my nose. This got me thinking, I should write a post about how to tell if you're a female douchebag (or douchebaguette, which I believe is too long at three syllables, making douchette, the more obvious moniker). As I started to reach climax over my wonderful ideas, I took my pants off and began writing my list.

You might be a douchette if you...

... choose not to smile. Opting for what's commonly known as "duck lips" or "kissy face." Why women do this - I have no idea. It looks neither sexy or cool. I automatically assume you're a douchette when you post your Vegas Rehab pics on Facebook and that stupid look is stuck on your face in every pic. I also assume that guys only call you at 2am.

You might be a douchette if you...

... wear Ed Hardy. Yes, this isn't only relegated to males who wear Ed Hardy, females can also be douchey with their clothing selections. Then again, if you're angling to be a contestant on Rock of Love and win that dream 3 month relationship with Bret Michaels, you're on the right track.

You might be a douchette if you...

... fake and bake so much that orange/red has become a natural skin tone for you. People, religious tanning is a disease. I've been there. I love looking at my pasty bottom in comparison to my well-tanned torso. It's a litmus test and the contrast makes it look like I have a 3-dimensional butt. Right now it's only 2-D. That girl's lips look totally real too.

You might be a douchette if you...

... have a tramp stamp. Much like the totally awesome male arm band tattoo, this one is strictly for the woman with a high IQ. It spells originality and future corporate executive. I'm quite certain this group is the next Sheryl Sandberg, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Diane Feinstein.

You might be a douchette if you...

... flaunt your fake boobs like you're the second coming of Christ. And then you think your new store-bought boobs make you better and hotter than everyone else. Your new boobs will totally make a guy want to marry you for the right reasons.

You might be a douchette if you....

... carry around a cell phone covered in fake, shiny rubies. You know who you are. You're the one everyone can't stand in the train, because your voice's volume is set to maximum, even though cell phone technology has advanced considerably. "Oh no she DID-UNT! Told you that ho was crazy! Anyways girlfriend, I need to go get the corns on my toes looked at. Hold up. This fool in the train is lookin at me like he OWNS this train. Hold on. What the f*ck you lookin at?!?! You want to eat one of these corns?!?! Cause I'll shove this toe right down your throat. That's what I thought!!!"

You might be a douchette if you...

... go to the pool with no intention of actually getting in the water - wearing a full helping of makeup, freshly pressed hair, big loopy earrings, and high heels. It's a good thing that bikini is keeping those boobs in place. They look like they're built for speed.

And the number one way you can tell if you're a douchette? You hang out with douchebags. Here's some guys you should stay away from. Like these guys...

and these guys...

and this guy...

but most importantly, this guy...

The SVB is the biggest douche of them all. Memorize that face and protect your daughters...

and grandmothers.

Unless you really don't like them... Then have them email me. I'll bring over the Natural Ice, unless she prefers a fine vino. In that case, I'll bring over the Franzia. It stays fresher longer when it's in a plastic bag inside the box.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Douchebag

Best Commencement Speech Ever

2011-06-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. If you accept your misfortune and handle it right, your perceived failure can be a catalyst for profound reinvention."

- Conan O'Brien giving the 2011 Commencement Speech at Dartmouth College.

I've always been a fan of Conan O'Brien over all the other late-night entrants. You, yourself, are probably not a very funny person if you find Jay Leno humorous at all. And if you do, you most likely are enjoying his standup eating a mayonnaise sandwich with your cousin/wife in your trailer in the backwoods of West Virginia. I recently came across Conan's 2011 Dartmouth College Commencement Address. It was the first one he's given in 11 years, because, in his words, he felt he didn't have anything left to say to graduates. But after his last year of "perceived failure" and "reinvention," his message is more clear and heartfelt than ever.

I LOVED this address. One of the funniest and real speeches I've heard - memorable to me for all of my own failures that I've endured.

"Whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."

- Conan speech

Without my numerous setbacks over the years, I wouldn't be nearly the same man that I am today. While I feel fortunate to have succeeded in two different careers, it's this challenge of succeeding in two more that I find exhilarating. Without the setbacks I had in years past, I don't know that I'd have the resiliency or courage to even attempt another. Sometimes with success, you lose the ability to take risks. You get accustomed to a certain lifestyle and you fear what you don't know.

I am who I am today because of being punched by one of my best friends in high school, being fired in previous jobs, and for standing up to people when others shied away. These experiences left me alienated and anguished. But, my "perceived" failures have been more of a blessing to me than any of my "perceived" successes.

"There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized."

- Conan speech

For me, now, there is nothing more thoroughly rewarding than being in a beautiful relationship with someone after having previously tasted heart-break; nothing more gratifying than beating someone on the basketball court after being on the losing end one too many times; nothing more satisfying than succeeding in a career when once told to pack up your belongings. Today, my voice is more clear, my appreciation is more heartfelt, and my conviction is more steadfast.

In the ongoing march to the end, I wish you the courage to reinvent yourself and be happier in the midst of any of your own perceived failures. Trust me - you'll thank yourself in the end.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

P.S. I highly recommend you watch Conan's commencement address. We all need a little inspiration in our lives. And if you want to bypass all the comedy and get back to your mayonnaise sandwich, you can jump to 15:30 and watch from that point. Much love to you.

Best BlackJack Spots Around the World

2011-06-14T15:22:00.000-07:00

You may all know me as a well-spoken, third place finisher at the 5th grade science fair, who drinks copious amounts of alcohol, and sleeps an ungodly (and unnecessary) amount of time. But anyone who REALLY gets to know me, knows that I am so much more. Take for instance the time I joined Big Brothers/Big Sisters to impress a girl. I even stuck with it for a few weeks... up until I found out I actually had to spend time with a young child during prime weekend hours. Although, I think my little bro secretly enjoyed washing my car while I lay in the back seat hungover. In the end, I had to break up with him on the phone. He cried a lot and it got real uncomfortable.

Life lesson learned? It's way, WAAAAAAYYYYY, harder to break up with a young child than it is to break up with a woman. I hope I NEVER have to break up with a real child of mine, but who knows? Maybe there'll be a good basketball game on TV and he/she will annoy me.

Anyhow, other things only very close people know about me? I have a weakness for BlackJack. (That, and Carne Asada Fries.) Having now played BlackJack in several countries/continents around the world, I shall name you the best places to gamble and what it was like being the drunkest, most belligerent, table-luck-ruining player in each country.

Me: "I'll stay."

Dealer: "You have a five. I suggest you hit, sir."

Me: "I also like to live dangerously."

(Dealer hits, gets 21 and EVERYONE loses. The SVB is showered with "I'm-going-to-kill-you" dirty looks. The SVB rises from his seat and quietly asks for a security escort to his scooter waiting in the parking lot.)

#8 - Macau (legal gambling age: 18 years+)

Arriving in Macau a few years back was like arriving in Oklahoma in 1889 during the great land rush. (Impressive historical knowledge, wouldn't you say?) The Wynn Casino had just been built, with several more breaking ground, and the one time monopoly of Stanley Ho was no more. With that said, it was maybe one of the least fun gambling environments I've been in. Chinese people are serious about their gambling. Smoke filled the air of the Wynn, no cocktail waitresses, no rock music, and no scantily-clad females. I've had more fun going to church. I will say that I did see some of the most attractive Asian women in my life. That's LIFE! All 5'7, thin, with amazing curves. I thought I was looking really smooth when they all were giving me the "eye." That is until they said, "let's go to your room." And then I knew. I knew. The SVB is not THAT good.

#7 - Monaco (18 yrs+)

Have you ever wondered what it'd be like to gamble in a museum? The answer's probably 'no' - and with good reason. You can't touch anything. You can't talk too loud. You have to go into a clear curved incubator to smoke a cigarette - which made everyone look like a pack of sperm in a condom (if sperm had faces and were smoking). Just to enter the Monte Carlo (the original), you've got to pay 10 euros. And you can't take pictures. Sound familiar? Upon sitting down at the active BJ table - all ONE of them - you're not sitting against James Bond, but like one other person in ALL of Monaco who will also play the 25 euro minimum. With no alcohol, no music, and people watching behind you, it was NO fun. But the history of it all, is amazing. It's like looking at your Grandpa and Grandma and seeing how your parent came about. "Hey! Vegas has got your eyes!"

#6 - Canada (18 yrs+)

I've played blackjack in Vancouver and Montreal, but there's only one main casino in each city and it's not that much fun. That's why when you go to Vegas these days, chances are, half of the people you'll meet are from Canada. (The other half are from California, of course.) I think the government owns most of the casinos in Canada, which means that you are supporting things like universal healthcare, citywide infrastructure, and higher pay for teachers -- things that we have no use for in the United States.

#5 - Lake Tahoe/Reno (21 yrs+)

Now we enter the more fun portion of this series. Is there anything nicer than a long day of hanging out at the lake during the summer, or snowboarding during the winter, and topping it off in the evening playing blackjack with your boys at one of the many casinos in the area while the women stay at the cabin cooking and cleaning?!?!? It's like heaven! The only bad thing about Tahoe/Reno is that it's great for groups of couples renting a cabin, but not so much for single men and women looking for some booty.

#4 - Australia (18 yrs+)

First off, a post on my Australia trip is still forthcoming. That type of awesomeness is still formulating in my head. I started off with a little bit of gambling up in Cairns, an amazing little town by the Great Barrier Reef on the eastern shoreline, and it was nothing special. It wasn't until I went into the Crown Casino in Melbourne, on the southern part of Australia, that I was floored. From the outside, I wasn't expecting all that much. Once I went inside, it was A-M-A-Z-I-N-G. It's the type of place that you get everyone ready for because you know it's going to be a big all-encompassing night. The place is the largest casino in the southern hemisphere. Meaning it's bigger than any in all of Antarctica! The Crown was lavish, grand, huge, posh - there was endless sections of games, chandeliers, a chic food court, hot groups of women walking around in mini-skirts, guys who must work out, bars, clubs, luxury stores, a hotel, cinema, even a Nobu! It was like the Mall of America minus the kids and ugly people. Imagine Vegas' Cosmopolitan times 100.

#3 - Puerto Rico (18 yrs+)

Beaches and sexy latin women is a deadly combination - throw in blackjack and it's ALL good.

#2 - Costa Rica (18 yrs+)

The difference between Australia being #2 and #4 is strictly a personal preference. I happen to LOVE a small beach town and the personality that comes with it, that's why Costa Rica is #2. I'm not talking about the gambling in San Jose, but more like the gambling in Tamarindo - on the coast. I just found it great to step out of your hotel and go to the beach all day, be served delicious, inexpensive Costa Rican food while eating next to an Iguana, body surf, watch the sunset, shower, put on some flip flops, and then gamble at a boutique casino across the street before hitting up a beach-atmosphere bar/club with no dress code.

#1 - Las Vegas (21 yrs+)

What can I say about Las Vegas? I've spent more nights there that I can't remember than anywhere else. I don't know of any place that lets you get away with more. This is an entire city built around being a "big deal." People count down days until their next Vegas trip. Whether you're a country bumpkin from Louisiana or a city-slicker from New York, you can stay at Hooters Hotel or at the Bellagio and live out your rock-star fantasy. Sex. Drugs. Loud music. Helicopter dick. Reckless gambling. Almost everyone is coming here to make at least one mistake during the weekend. With that in mind, playing blackjack is a wicked good time amongst people who are ready to party, lose, and lose big.

Well there you have it. The definitive list of the world.

Craps may have the best odds, and poker may be the most intellectual, while roulette is a game for morons, but blackjack is a game that puts hair on your chest. And judging by the hair on my chest, it's safe to assume that I have lost money in all 8 locations I have mentioned... but, gosh darnit, I will still double down with your 10 showing. But can you hurry it up on the free cocktail before I lose all my money!??! It's embarrassing standing over the table waiting for the cocktail after you've lost your last hand.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Think Like a Woman... To Find a Woman

2011-06-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

In my time as the SVB, I've done many things to get into the mind of a woman. Like watch The Notebook, read Twilight, and wear women's lingerie to feel a little sexy. Next, I hope to read Eat, Pray, Love and then fall in love with a Brazilian beefcake in Bali. You must BE the prey to eat the prey. I just made that up. Anyhow, what better way to get into the mind of a female, than a female telling us how to get into her mind? I'd like to welcome the first guest post from UpTo29.com's founder, Nina Levin.

Cue applause....... for me. Keep going..... hold it.... End. Here's Nina!

By Nina L.

Now, I’m about to say something that may result in a compulsory head-shake and a look of disbelief: There are women in the Silicon Valley. Single, intelligent, and (GASP) hot women.

Once you’ve digested this potentially life-altering piece of information without sustaining injuries, you may be led to the next and most obvious question – where are these creatures? Are they hiding in their natural habitats, only venturing out when in need of sustenance?

Girls are everywhere in the Silicon Valley. I actually believe that girls are more socially active than guys in this area – when I’m out doing events or checking out local goings-on, it’s mostly chicks that show up. The problem is that you’re looking for the available ladies in the wrong places. Girls don’t hang out at dive bars where they can watch Cubs game highlights and drink Heineken. They’re not looking to meet guys when they’re at the local coffee shop with their headphones plugged in and clearly avoiding eye contact. They’re certainly not at the midnight showing of the Hangover 2 (and if they are, then they’ve got a boyfriend. Sorry.)

If you want to meet a single girl, you gotta think like a single girl. Girls like doing stuff that’s fun and low-key. Events and activities that don’t involve a lot of drinking typically attract available women. Any event where they can bring another girl and not go home looking like Courtney Love is probably a good bet.

Here’s a list of some great places to meet girls in an organic and non-creepy way.

1. UpTo29: UpTo29 is a site that I started specifically for 20-somethings in the Silicon Valley that want to meet new people and do fun stuff. We organize events solely for our members, and create an environment that’s easy to make new friends. It’s not intended for dating, but hey – if it happens, good on ya.

Website: UpTo29.com

2. Trivia nights: Some bars do trivia nights during the week that can be surprisingly tough to win. If you’re up to it, go with a friend and scope out the bar for potential hotties – then ask to join their team. This has happened to me a few times and I’m always happy to meet new people and have them join my team. Just go to Yelp and type in “trivia” – you’ll get a ton of results with great reviews.

3. Dishcrawl: Think of a pubcrawl but instead of bars, you get to feast on the signature dishes of four different restaurants in one night. The group is typically around 40 people – but you gotta be careful because sometimes the age spread can be kinda wide. However, last time I went there was a pleasantly big group of 20-somethings.

Dishcrawl.com

4. San Jose Bike Party: Every month, the city of San Jose hosts a big bike ride that takes you through a different route every month. The ride is HUGE (like…a hundred people or more), and there’s a new theme every month. Most people don’t take the biking part of it seriously – many bring alcohol and strap stereos to their bikes. It’s super fun.

Sjbikeparty.org

5. Yoga Classes: okay, open your mind a little here. I know it’s not totally manly to do yoga, but if you wanna meet flexible girls in kickass shape, then you have to try it. Plus, you have the advantage of being a gender minority in a place that typically is flooded with Y-chromosomes. In all the years that I’ve done yoga, I’ve only met a handful of guys with the balls to give it a shot. Keep in mind that a lot of girls like to hang out after class and talk – a perfect opportunity to go in for the kill.

Yogabelly.com

6. Book clubs: There are a few 20-something book clubs in the Silicon Valley. Red Rock Coffee in Mountain View is a good place to start – they meet consistently every few weeks. It’s a great way to appear erudite and attractive without actually having to do much – you’re smart just by merit of being there. Pretty nifty, huh?

7. Homefrys: Homefrys is a great little group that does game nights in bars. What better way is there to meet chicks than playing taboo or Jenga? It’s interactive, really fun, and girls dig it. Just remember to let them win.

Homefrys.com

8. Kickball: I can’t stress the awesomeness of kickball enough. It’s a strange phenomemnon – but it seems like our generation has created the perfect fusion of childhood games, alcohol, and a general lack of athleticism. I’ve met so many people through kickball, and there’s nothing like making a good “getting to third base” joke.

KickballSB.com
http://www.kickball.com/kickball

9. Urban Scavenger hunts: There are a few groups in the area that do these cool scavenger hunts for people our age. You get set up in a team, so talking to people is easy. It’s a fun way to spend the afternoon, and there are always hiliarious stories tht come out of it.

http://www.scavengercrawl.org/Home.html
http://www.challengenation.com/sanfrancisco/
http://www.clashsf.com/

Nice list, Nina. Thanks! Finally, there's an itinerary for me to follow other than, "get wasted in parking lot, go into bar, adjust g-string thong underwear, pray for drunk makeout session."

What are you waiting for? Stop playing Words With Friends on your phone in your room by yourself and get to doing something that you won't regret.

Sincerely,
The SVB

Five Tips on Achieving Multiple Orgasms... I think...

2011-05-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

As an expert in all things related to the human body and mind, I am often sent blog post ideas from friends and readers. Recently, a friend sent me an article from Cosmopolitan (LOVE opening those page flaps to get a whiff of those perfumes, btw. I use it under my pits after a long day), it was titled, "How to Have Multiple Orgasms." I thought to myself, 'my friends really care about me. Thanks!' Then I saw that the article was about how to achieve multiple FEMALE orgasms.

What?

Females can HAVE an orgasm?!?!

As I read through the article, it used many large, scientific words that I had never heard of, like, "stimulation," "foreplay," and "G-spot." I felt like it was something that was coming out of Buzz Lightyear's mouth on space travel!!!!

The article was written by a professor, an MD, and a PhD, but two of them are women, so I quickly discounted 2/3 of the article. Here are some of their top tips, abbreviated by me to sound like it was coming from a normal person and not Dr. Hannibal Lecter:

Tip 1: Don't THINK you can only achieve one orgasm.

In other words, don't fall immediately asleep, like I do, and wake up with a flotation device stuck to your stomach in the morning.

Tip 2: Strengthen that muscle that enables you to withhold urine. It's called Pubococcygeus, or Tyrannosaurus Rex, for short.

I really understood very few words in this section. But I think you can tighten the Pubo muscle, release, tighten, repeat. I tried it out for you women, and I had three orgasms doing this exercise. Let's just say I need a new keyboard now.

Tip 3: Have your guy go down on you.

This part had to be written by the two women authors. I COMPLETELY disagree. And I will lend this section no more weight in my writings.

Tip 4: After you orgasm once, keep the stimulation going and don't let the pleasure coma take over.

No word on whether the guy still needs to be awake, following this first orgasm, for the multiple to work. PhD my ARSE!

Tip 5: Stimulate the Clitoris and then move on to the G-Spot, then milk the sensation with reverse cowgirl and doggie-style.

I actually just wrote it this way because it's awesome they used these words in this tip and think ANY of us guys actually know any of the nouns used here. HAHAHAHAHA. We're not astro-physicists! I barely know what a "noun" is!

To read the full article, you can find it by clicking here. But don't be fooled by Beverly Whipple, Professor Emerita at Rutger's University, Rachel Carlton Abrams, MD, coauthor of the Multi-Orgasmic Woman, and San Francisco sex therapist, Seth Prosterman, PhD -- the SVB, std-free since 1978 - 1990, 1992 - 93, 1997 - 2003, and 2009 - present, has got your back! Everything I learned about sex, I learned from The Family Guy and Quagmire. Like how you can use your penis to open a lock on a large vault. That's FAR more important than this mythical "orgasm."

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

How Hot Should Your Lover Be?

2011-05-27T11:25:00.000-07:00

We've all done it. You see a hot girl/guy walk by and you look at the person they're with to see what douche they SHOULDN'T be with, so that they can run away with you. Upon dirty-looking the hell out of their partner, it's just as you thought - not even remotely close to each other on the 10-point rating scale. The facts are, most hot girls don't end up with equally attractive guys. And most hot guys don't end up with equally attractive girls.

Either the guy or the girl is a 2-point difference on the rating scale. And this actually makes for a good relationship. You can't have both people thinking they're the hottest and the other has to cater to them. That leads to a lot of standoffs and silent treatments.

I see girls all the time on Facebook - that I'm crushin on - who are with some real dweebs. I look at their pictures for hours into the night, and then Google and research the names of the guys tagged in their pictures. What!?!? You guys don't do that? Anyhow, then I call the companies those guys work for and say bad things about those guys to their bosses and hang up. It feels good. Afterwards, I download the pics, photoshop the guys out of them and place myself next to my crushes. Then, I place my penis between my legs and wear my outfit made of female skin and prance around in front of the mirror. It's quite exhilarating. Everyone should try it. I'd really like to invite these women out to summers in Rangoon wearing meat helmets, if I get the chance.

Unfortunately, these women are of equal caliber to my looks. You may think that I am a conceited individual who is quick to mention his seductive deep baritone voice, coupled with his high cheek bones on a perfectly arranged face, but I am not merely stating empirical evidence. Based off of 83 votes on HotOrNot.com, I am certifiably an 8.4. It's the wisdom of crowds. Don't fight the science, people. Therefore, sitting on my perch where the other 8s look down on the ugly people, I feel I am an expert on the importance of looks in a relationship.

Besides dating A-holes for most of their teens and 20s, girls worry about the impending age of 30 and beyond, settling for Mr. Good Enough. Guys they wouldn't even give the time of day to in college, are now their husbands. These guys worship these women, instead of the cocky, bad-boys who treated them like crap.

As for guys, once they get all their philandering out of the way with bimbos, they realize they want a smart, strong woman who will take care of them. See previous post. And those girls may not be as good-looking as what they can conceivably get, but these less attractive women will be able to challenge them in other ways.

So, like that song on the soundtrack of My Best Friends' Wedding (it was one of my sister's favorite movies, ok?!), "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life, never make a pretty woman your wife, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry you." (Or guy.)

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The "8.4" Bachelor

How to Score the Silicon Valley Man of Your Dreams

2011-05-24T06:44:00.000-07:00

No, this isn't a plug for a dream sweepstakes for your truly, it's for all those OTHER guys out there. The ones with jobs, healthy livers, a full 26 letter vocabulary, and the possibility that they may one day be a billionaire with the likes of Larry Page, Sergey Brin, Reid Hoffman, Mark Pincus (theoretical), and Mark Zuckerburg (ditto), amongst others. Dating in Silicon Valley is a lot like buying a lottery ticket - you're mostly likely going to lose, but you could hit the jackpot. There's definitely a lot of things you should take into consideration first.

After writing "8 Tips to (Dating) Success" for men, one of my female friends reached out to me and asked that I write one for females. I laughed at first, then continued drinking my PBR in my boxers and wife-beater, and wrote back: "Done." I have a lot of time on my hands. And I'm running out of episodes of Quantum Leap on Hulu to watch.

The surprising thing about the request from my friend is that she is an attractive female who lives in an area with a high concentration of males. Although, we all know the shortcomings of men in Silicon Valley (social awkwardness, insecurity, bad breath, lack of consideration, workaholics, unattractive), I hadn't really thought about how hard it was for some females to find a mate.

Here's the thing, entrepreneurs, especially ones in Silicon Valley, want to date someone who is either, smart, successful, ambitious, and/or all of the above. Take for instance the aforementioned list of billionaire men:

Larry Page's wife, Lucy Southworth, a PHD student at Stanford when they met and currently a research scientist.

Sergey Brin's wife, Anne Wojcicki, a Yale grad who became an entrepreneur, herself, by co-founding 23andme.com.

Reid Hoffman's wife, Michelle Yee, a Stanford grad, sits on the board of several organizations.

Mark Pincus' wife, Ali Pincus, a UCLA biz school grad, founder and CEO of One King's Lane.

Mark Zuckerburg's longtime girlfriend, Priscilla Chan, Harvard grad and early Facebook employee.

These are men who could have gone the professional athlete route and married "dancers", club rats, socialites, and Kim Kardashian, but they didn't. And we all know how those marriages/relationships ended up for the athletes. Smart people, which Silicon Valley is full of, want to be surrounded by other smart people, so that they can be challenged and stimulated - that's why SV is the best place in the world for entrepreneurship.

There's nothing sexier to a guy with ambition, than a woman with strength, power, and conviction. In fact, those women may be the only ones who can keep a workaholic entrepreneur from taking for granted the setting of a sun, the sound of a baseball stadium exploding in cheer, the moment you kiss a girl and nothing else matters, the shotgunning of a beer and the fiz that goes up your nose... and other life moments that should never be missed. The only guys who don't want a strong woman are the ones who will never make it very far in life because their life is filled with insecurities and fears. They'll never let you rise up, because their life is so sad, they can only take comfort in manipulating another person to make themselves feel better.

Just like women do to men, we're not impressed by women who are shameless self-promoters, constantly posting pics of themselves in mundane situations and are always good at "talking" a big game, but never follow-through - we think it's sexy for those that achieve and those that try to push the boundaries of what they "think" they can accomplish.

I could write you a post about the right things to say to a guy at a bar, clothes you should wear, physical mannerisms, and such, but what would happen after all the shallowness wears off? The most important thing I can tell you, women, is to focus on yourself and live your life - not with the hopes of attracting a man, but with the hopes a man will have what it takes to attract you.

After all, you're a smart, strong, ambitious woman - one whom the most successful of Silicon Valley (and beyond) salutes and covets.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. If I'm to include myself under "successful", it's safe to assume that I have a VERY BROAD definition for success. SO BACK OFF!!!!!!! For further reference, please see: "Why Upper Echelon Men, Like Myself, Choose Independent, Picky Women".

Best First Grade Story EVER

2011-05-21T23:27:00.000-07:00

My friend is a first grade teacher. This is a story one of her students submitted.

HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA... It's my favorite story ever. Seriously. I laugh at it alone in my room.

You gotta love interpoultry romance. There was once a time when chickens couldn't even drink out of the same water fountain as ducks. Progress.

Sincerely,
KL

Silicon Valley Dating Advice - 8 Tips to Success

2011-05-19T15:17:00.000-07:00

#1 through #8 - Leave Silicon Valley.

The end.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.

Just kidding. Kind of... Chances are, you're constantly cursing the prospects presented to you by Silicon Valley, which includes Man Jose, Manta Clara, Manpbell, Mantain View, Palo Manto, and even, Man Francisco. Recently, I had a friend who sought advice from me on finding a woman. I wanted to help him out, not because I am a good person, but because I like the sound of my own voice and the genius that spontaneously comes out my mouth. I could care less about his feelings.

My friend gave me free reign to loosely reference him and I pretty much picked him apart. Everything I could see on his Facebook page, including the way he dressed and the way he stood, to the pictures he posted and why he needed to delete several of them. I also went on to tell him about how awesome I am and how I became so awesome. Several hours later, I got around to how he was going to better his chances with the ladies.

Here is what I told him he could, and should, do to help his prospects for meeting a girl:

1. Confidence - It's key. It's probably the single most important trait you can have. Not cocky, but a humble confidence. You may not feel confident in all parts of your life - unlike me - but there has to be one thing where you are the absolute sh*t. Whether it be at your computer playing World of Warcraft or knowing exactly which free porn site to browse for that foot fetish of yours, you must channel that confidence into your mannerisms - but keep your pants zipped up... for now.

2. Short-Term Memory - You're going to fail. A lot. What's important is how quickly you get back on your wooden horse. Don't let it get you down. One of my favorite quotes is Michael Jordan's "I've missed more that 9,000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed." Great quote, isn't it? You can apply this in every aspect of your life. Don't be afraid to fail and WHEN it does happen? Step right back up for another shot.

3. Listen - Ask questions. Listen to what a woman wants. What she says. What makes her happy. Ask her insightful questions on things she says, and OCCASIONALLY interject with some of your own anecdotes, but the focus is her. If you make it far enough, do those things she mentioned. Ultimately, don't you want to make the one you love happy? They're not there to only make you feel better about yourself - like I'm doing with this advice to you - they're there to make both of your lives more rewarding and fulfilling. Don't take them for granted.

4. Posture - Mom was right on this one. It's all about how you carry yourself. You don't have to work out a lot, but there has to be confidence. It has to spell out that you're confident in your own skin. Even if it's just in pictures (which the Facebook world will see) - stand up straighter, with your legs apart, and your shoulder blades back... it makes a huge difference. My college roommate used to always put her hand on her waist, so that her arms didn't look big in pics. If they can do it, so can we.

5. Style - You don't have to dress like Ne-Yo, Justin Timberlake, or even The Situation, but what you do wear, you have to wear it well. I like the saying, "You wear the clothes. Don't let the clothes wear you." You don't have to spend a lot to accomplish this. Get rid of the baggy jeans. Don't wear tennis or basketball shoes outside of their assigned courts. Shoes should match the belt. Take some risks, and be comfortable in it. It comes back to that little word called CONFIDENCE.

6. Creativity - A lot of people who approach me say that they don't want to meet a girl in a bar/club. I encourage you not to. If you're already having trouble meeting girls, this is the last place you're going to find success. Be a little creative in what/where you're going. Take classes, lessons, join groups - book clubs, ballroom dance classes, beginning snow boarding lessons, are all filled with a majority of women. If there's only one you can pick? Go with dance lessons. This is where you'll always find the LEAST amount of guys and the HOTTEST girls. But learn the dances - practice. It's fun. Girls will choose a guy dancing poorly on the dance floor over a douche who stands in the corner all night bobbing his head.

7. Girl Friends - I know that you're probably in that desperate state of mind where you just want someone that doesn't live on your computer screen, but you have to stay strong. Don't look at every girl as a possible hookup. They can be friends too. In fact, they are your BEST friends when it comes to hitting on other girls. They provide you with credibility and, most importantly, the perspective of a female. Listen to her.

8. Have Fun - It's infectious. I always go out with the intention that I am going to have a good time and try and make sure everyone around me is having a good time as well. Don't make your night about ONLY going out to hit on women, because then you'll over-think it and the desperation will show in your pores. Enjoy the company of those you're with and the CONFIDENCE will emanate to when you do spot a girl that you want to approach.

Don't be daunted by the fact that Silicon Valley has one of the highest male to female ratios in the country - just know that almost all of the other tech dweebs are going to be too shy to step up to a girl, which already puts you levels ahead of them. That should give you something we call CONFIDENCE right there....

Take some chances. Step up. Give yourself the OPPORTUNITY to succeed. We all deserve to be in love. The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. (This is when Ewan McGregor walks out and sings over me...)

What are you waiting for? Make some conscious changes in yourself today and then go out and make ish happen!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Dating Coach!

Guest Post: 13 Facebook Habits That Make Me Want to Kill You

2011-05-17T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am happy to welcome one of my best friends to the pantheon of greatness that I like to call, SiliconValleyBachelor.com! Guest bloggers have gone on to successful careers, including Telephone Marketing Technicians, Food Consummation Engineers, Sleep Abundance Practitioners, and Oblivious Space Fillers. Welcome, Bryce!

While I have chosen to hide literally everyone on my Facebook newsfeed, so that only my own posts show up - and I can laugh at them incessantly - Bryce has chosen to delete Facebooker's who do annoying things. Here are his reasons...

By Bryce P.

Have you ever wanted to enroll your friends in the Social Networking Finishing School for the Socially Inept? Well here is your chance. We all have one, hell, we all have 20 of them. But hopefully you’re not THE one. It has come to the point where social networking has just gotten out of hand and we need to bring each other in line and revert back to basics. Let’s face it, these arenas are not autobiographies. They are channels of two way communication and entertainment.

There you are, cruising along chuckling away at witty banter and posting a few of your own thought provoking comments that illicit laughter or incite angry riots, both of which you take great delight in. Then comes along that one post/tweet/status update that you just mentally trip over and can’t help but cringe. The annoying abuser of social networking has just reared their ugly head. You know who they are don’t you? Leave it to Captain Buzzkill & The Bring Me Downs to go back on tour and make an ill timed appearance right before your very eyes. Did you buy a ticket to this putrid show? NO! Nonetheless, they present themselves in various forms. In an effort to readily identify and address said intrusions, let’s discuss them in more detail:

1. Annoying Hijackers: You were in the moment damn it. You put a lot of thought into that update and really wanted to get your point across or entice a response to gauge other’s opinions. And WHAM, Mr./Mrs. Random comes out of nowhere with: “Why didn’t you reply to my text last night?” Let’s try to focus and stay on topic here people. Even a sarcastic comment that still alludes to the issue at hand is well within bounds but derailing the entire subject matter is unacceptable. Besides, the reason we didn’t respond to your text is because you say things like, “Why didn’t you reply to my text last night”.

2. Incessant Child/Pet Posts: Yeah, we used to know each other but now you’re a shell of your former self. Once upon a time you used to have a life….and a personality that went along with it. Now you’ve been relegated to living life through your child/pet. This is fantastic and I’m all for it, but your child/pet does not define you. Do we all really have to be subjected to this on a daily basis? It's tough since undoubtedly only mature readers would dare waste their time with this blog and we are getting to be “that age" where kids are certainly a part of the equation. Seriously though, people who only post pictures of their kids or pets and update frequently that their child “….rolled over all by themselves today” are people I no longer wish to interact with. Others of like mind of course chime in and add fuel to the fire. Here is a real example snipped from my actual friends:

Jenny: Jake grew up fast these last 2 weeks. He’s potty trained and he learned how to swim! So proud of my little dude!

Theresa, Alexis, Paige and 22 others like this.

Comments:
Erin - Can you potty train my son?
Jenny - Sure, as long as you don't mind him peeing outside, which is what Jake prefers!
Jenny - Oh, maybe I should add that he doesn't poop outside! That he does on the toilet.
Diana - I knew he could do it!!
Nicole - Yea Jake!!!

I guess the whole joke is on me for having read such nonsense…..moving on.

3. Vagueness/Doomsayers: Worse yet is the total obscurity that these updates provide. “Why do these things always happen to me?” This is akin to crying wolf. Moreover, the Chicken Little supporters ask “What’s wrong, are you OK?” Hopefully this can only be sustained for so long until the proverbial BULLSHIT is called and their meaningless existence is exposed and reduced to relative nothingness.

4. Habitual Photo Upload: ok Ok OKAY, I get it. You like to eat. We all do. But multiple photos of your neatly set table and 3 course meal, complete with detailed descriptions of ingredients, is a tad bit excessive, it does nothing for me. Yes - sight, smell, & taste are all comingled sensory modalities. But last I checked nobody has yet to invent a smell-o-vision app so why do you bother? And no, I don’t wish I was there sitting with you.

5. Weather poster: 98% of the time I realize these are transplants broadcasting to far off lands. Hey, jerkwad, we’re all full here folks so don’t go advertising to your Midwest clan how amazing the sunset is or how cool the clouds look from your balcony. Trust me, the sun will set again so you’re really not missing anything if you just sit, stare and let it all soak into your own memory.

6. Check-ins: First and foremost let me put myself on blast as a common checker-in’er. What can I say? I find myself in some admittedly interesting places that some people may find worthwhile or to let people know that I’m a fully fledged member of the Bad Ass Club. But the Olive Garden, Walmart, Bed Bath & Beyond, REALLY? C’Mon you guys, at least pretend to live it up a little and pick your locations wisely as you drive by them.

7. Braggadocios: I for one fully support narcissism. If you don’t love yourself first then who will? Hence my Platinum endorsement of the SVB. But the fine line of “Rah rah rah, go me!” without love for others only lends itself to people secretly rooting for your own demise. Who then will have your back as you pee in the corner of a round room?

8. Spelling Nazis/Ebonics Experts: An atrocious bunch indeed. I take great pains to avoid them but sometimes the to/too, your/you’re, there/their/they’re just slip by. Thank you ‘Oh Wise One’ for pointing it out. I’ll bet you volunteered to sit in the first row of class and brought an apple for the teacher. Guess what, everyone hates you. On the opposite end of the grammar spectrum are those who seem to say everything in slang, as if they have a Ph.D. in street speak. Have you no respect for the English language that you must butcher every word? Being ghetto in no way makes you cool so just knock it off and stop trying so hard, it’s unbecoming.

9. Misplaced target audience: Listen kids, I’m friends with YOU, not your business. Shameless plugs and self promotion has its place…..that’s right, on its own separate page. I don’t give a rat’s ass how your company is doing or if you’re at work tonight begging for patronage. At the very least give us the option and create an individual entity that we can choose to follow and be inundated with irrelevant rhetoric on a daily basis. Didn’t you know that spam is punishable by death in some countries?

10. Letter /Question Updates: “Dear Stomach, why do you hate me?” These open ended diary entries have no answer and therefore have no place in my life. “Does a duck with one leg swim in circles?” “Why do we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway?” ARRGH!!!! More like, “What is the sound of one hand smacking your face?”

11. Causes: Be it of a philanthropic nature or the recruitment to help them win a prize. Post after post after post followed by a few personal messages and perhaps a quick IM thrown in for good measure. These people are relentless. Do you really think we're going to drop everything we're doing and be your biggest fan? Remember Stan?....yeah he was a batshit crazy stalker, I however am not. All in all, you just end up devaluing your position and we only really feel sorry for you. Beat it, scram, vamoose!

12. Beat Junky: Damn you have a lot of free time on your hands. Evident by the 8 songs you just uploaded, complete with lyrics I might add. Myself....not so much. While you sit there convinced that your friends are forever grateful to you for exposing them to these hidden gems of art, the reality is, we just scrolled right over them and moved on to more worthwhile content. But don't stop, oh please don't stop. In fact I encourage you to take your act on the road, you Voyeur of VJing you.

13. Ghost in the shadows: In my eyes, this is THE WORST OFFENSE! You don’t think they are there but alas, they are most definitely there. Lurking in the dark. Seldom do they post anything personal or entertaining themselves but seem to be quite up to speed with your personal on goings when you cross paths many months down the road. If your life is that boring and your body lacks a single humorous bone, then I implore you to banish yourself from the interwebs and proactively remove yourself from the gene pool. Darwin would have wanted it that way.

We as a society cannot tolerate such gross violations of social code any longer and must stand together united as one to combat these unabated cardinal sins that are perverting cyberland into a basterdization of its once glorious former self. I urge you to consider your relationship with these habitual violators and ask yourself if you should purge them from Facespacewitterster.

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