Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Two Things That a Perfect Wingman Does


I have long prided myself on being the best wingman alive. So good, in fact, that I no longer have any single friends. It's a constant source of pride for me as I scan everyone's happy, relationship-filled lives on Facebook before microwaving a bowl of Chef Boyardee Mini-Raviolis (less preparation time) and watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I can never get enough of Will spray-painting his armpits. What a character!!!

Recently, I had a friend (whom I love, if you're reading this) who was a horrible wingman. It all happened like this.

SCENE 1: INTERIOR - IKE'S LAIR

Kevin walks into the sandwich shop and all eyes turn to him. People stop eating, midway in bite, shocked at this debilitatingly handsome man. He's really handsome. Like, really, really handsome. He wasn't even trying either. 

Kevin walks to the counter and orders his favorite sandwich. The register gal can barely concentrate, as she can't stop staring at Kevin's face. She begins to daydream about making love to him, right on the counter. In clear view of shocked patrons. 

As Kevin waits for his sandwich, he runs into an old friend. A guy he enjoys conversing with. 

The two men go to sit down and eat. 

A cute young lady sits down at the table next to them. She smiles at Kevin. 

She's only human. 

Kevin's friend takes a call while at the table, so Kevin takes the opportunity to strike up a conversation with the young lady at the next table. 


Kevin
What sandwich did you order?

Cute Girl
The vegetarian, it's really good. 

Kevin is appalled that she's a vegetarian, but he figures it matters very little, considering vegetables have nothing to do with a woman's vagina.

Kevin
Oh, yum. I'm a vegetarian too! What a small world!

Cute Girl
Isn't that meat in your sandwich?

Kevin
No.

Cute Girl
Yes. Yes, that's meat.  

Kevin
Well, agree to disagree.

Kevin's friend gets off the phone and immediately joins the conversation.

Friend
So you go to De Anza?

Cute Girl
Yeah.

Friend
I was an honors student there, while part of the Glee club, student council, and standout football player. I got a scholarship to Princeton, but I took a year off to model first.

Cute Girl
Oh really!?!? Tell me more... after we have sexual intercourse first!

Kevin
Ummm, have you seen my baseball!??!

End scene.

I went from engagee, to instinctively being a wingman. I began to ask my friend questions that I knew would make him sound better. Like, where he went to play after De Anza. And what his playing weight was back then. And how he's still a strapping lad to this very day. Then, I talked up how he's not only a physical marvel, but also a budding Mark Zuckerburg, currently developing a secret "app". She ate it all up. Then, I thought to myself, why the hell am I doing this when he should've done this for me from the get-go?

Alas, here are the only two rules to being a good wingman:

1. Always make your buddy look as good as possible.

2. Never upstage your friend.

Whenever a buddy of mine is chatting up a lady, I already know everything there is to know about said friend that will make him sound even better. Of course, this is only if I'm absolutely necessary in participating in the conversation. For example, if the girl he's hitting on has a friend who is acting impatient, or much tougher, several friends, then I will step in.

Your job is to never be better or more successful than your friend at anything. Which is not a far stretch for me. I just have to tell the truth and be myself. But typically I am FAR better looking, therefore I must make myself seem borderline mentally debilitated. For my friends "winging" for me, they have to do a pretty good acting job to make it seem like they are below me in career and life achievements. I'm talking Oscar-worthy performance to make it seem like they've achieved much less than me. They practically have to say they're homeless, unemployed, and beat their girlfriends to make me look good.

Thanks, guys (and gals)!

If you're a great dancer? Tone it down next to your buddy. If you're a great singer? Sing just a bit off-key. If you have a great body? Don't take your shirt off. And if she still starts showing you some interest? Blow her off. Start making out with her unattractive friend - stat! Your friendship is worth more than your erection. (Thanks Paperboy and the Ditty!)

There are SOME exceptions to these rules. For instance, if you're going up to a group of girls for the first time and no one has called dibs on any particular girl. In that case, you should both be setting each other up with softballs. Almost to the point where the girls are weirded out, feeling like you two are about to blow each other. Then, you can just gauge who is interested in whom more. Don't ever battle for a girl with your own buddy. Realize the scenario, and help a brother out.

Another thing I like to think about is, who NEEDS this more? If you get ass all the time, just take one for the team. Make sure everyone has a good time. Don't hate. And if you end up going home alone? Two minutes is all you need for a nice steaming bowl of Mr. Boyardee's finest! I'm going to name my first child, Boyardee. I wish I could've met the great man. He lived until he was 87 years old. So I think I'm going to be A - OK!

If you think I'm a good wingman now, just wait until I'm 87 years old! Play on, playas!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB
Comments
2 Comments

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wait, De Anza? Aren't you like 30-something years old? Why are you still picking up on community college students bro?

The SVB said...

It sounds like there's a lot of hater negativity in your comment. So I'll answer your question with another question, how many abo-digitals do you see modeling???