I have long prided myself on being the best wingman alive. So good, in fact, that I no longer have any single friends. It's a constant source of pride for me as I scan everyone's happy, relationship-filled lives on Facebook before microwaving a bowl of Chef Boyardee Mini-Raviolis (less preparation time) and watching reruns of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. I can never get enough of Will spray-painting his armpits. What a character!!!
Recently, I had a friend (whom I love, if you're reading this) who was a horrible wingman. It all happened like this.
SCENE 1: INTERIOR - IKE'S LAIR
Kevin walks into the sandwich shop and all eyes turn to him. People stop eating, midway in bite, shocked at this debilitatingly handsome man. He's really handsome. Like, really, really handsome. He wasn't even trying either.
Kevin walks to the counter and orders his favorite sandwich. The register gal can barely concentrate, as she can't stop staring at Kevin's face. She begins to daydream about making love to him, right on the counter. In clear view of shocked patrons.
As Kevin waits for his sandwich, he runs into an old friend. A guy he enjoys conversing with.
The two men go to sit down and eat.
A cute young lady sits down at the table next to them. She smiles at Kevin.
She's only human.
Kevin's friend takes a call while at the table, so Kevin takes the opportunity to strike up a conversation with the young lady at the next table.
Oh really!?!? Tell me more... after we have sexual intercourse first!
Ummm, have you seen my baseball!??!
2. Never upstage your friend.
Whenever a buddy of mine is chatting up a lady, I already know everything there is to know about said friend that will make him sound even better. Of course, this is only if I'm absolutely necessary in participating in the conversation. For example, if the girl he's hitting on has a friend who is acting impatient, or much tougher, several friends, then I will step in.
Your job is to never be better or more successful than your friend at anything. Which is not a far stretch for me. I just have to tell the truth and be myself. But typically I am FAR better looking, therefore I must make myself seem borderline mentally debilitated. For my friends "winging" for me, they have to do a pretty good acting job to make it seem like they are below me in career and life achievements. I'm talking Oscar-worthy performance to make it seem like they've achieved much less than me. They practically have to say they're homeless, unemployed, and beat their girlfriends to make me look good.
Thanks, guys (and gals)!
If you're a great dancer? Tone it down next to your buddy. If you're a great singer? Sing just a bit off-key. If you have a great body? Don't take your shirt off. And if she still starts showing you some interest? Blow her off. Start making out with her unattractive friend - stat! Your friendship is worth more than your erection. (Thanks Paperboy and the Ditty!)
There are SOME exceptions to these rules. For instance, if you're going up to a group of girls for the first time and no one has called dibs on any particular girl. In that case, you should both be setting each other up with softballs. Almost to the point where the girls are weirded out, feeling like you two are about to blow each other. Then, you can just gauge who is interested in whom more. Don't ever battle for a girl with your own buddy. Realize the scenario, and help a brother out.
Another thing I like to think about is, who NEEDS this more? If you get ass all the time, just take one for the team. Make sure everyone has a good time. Don't hate. And if you end up going home alone? Two minutes is all you need for a nice steaming bowl of Mr. Boyardee's finest! I'm going to name my first child, Boyardee. I wish I could've met the great man. He lived until he was 87 years old. So I think I'm going to be A - OK!
If you think I'm a good wingman now, just wait until I'm 87 years old! Play on, playas!