What You Can Expect at a Singles Auction - Douchebags and Douchettes!

I know this person, Louise, who is one of my most fervent and active readers at Silicon Valley Bachelor. This makes her my best friend. When she informs me that she's read one of my posts, I instantly tune her out and daydream about her reading my writing. It's a major fantasy of mine. It can be anyone reading my writing, really. In this fantasy, Marvin Gaye begins singing and we can't hear Louise, but we see her laughing incessantly – to the verge of tears – and tossing her hair back repeatedly while blushing wearing a silky negligee.

Now that I've lost Louise as a reader, due to creepiness, Louise is going to be in a "singles date auction" coming up this week, supposedly because she couldn't snag a date with me and wants to make me jealous. Louise doesn't drink, which is like the equivalent of her telling me that she has a penis, or that I am not funny, or that Jesus was more than just a character played by Ray Allen – thus we can never be. Anyhow, she felt bad about the pic and bio she submitted for the singles auction, in light of seeing what everyone else sent. 

To make her feel better, I am going to make fun of these other douchebags and douchettes, because they seriously deserve it. Let's start with the guys.


The first guy, Mateo, is probably the biggest douchebag of them all. These bios are self-written, so take notice of how much he tries to make himself seem like a badboy. In fact, while I was planning on only taking excerpts from people's bios, I shall take his entire bio to reprint here: 

Mateo loves seeking adventure on two wheels… can you keep up? A sophisticated hacker and office jester by day, a motorcycle rider by night, he enjoys the fun route through life. When the sun’s shining, you can find this smart, funny, SF native working on his three-quarter-leg mountain bike tan on a hill near you. Don’t worry, he cleans up well. He’ll have no problem sporting his extensive skinny tie collection, or matching his collar with the latest in eyewear fashion. His passion for calculated risk is only rivaled by his admiration for quadriceps. And no, he does not have a neck tattoo (yet).


Hahahahahahahahah. My favorites: "... can you keep up?" "smart, funny," "matching his collar with the latest eyewear fashion." "And no, he does not have a neck tattoo (yet)." OMG, (and you guys know I only use "OMG" for extreme situations!) whoever snags this guy must be some classy babe. And that's the picture he submits of a smart, funny, office jester? It looks more like the picture for "most likely to beat wife," or "wife must have plow experience." I imagine he runs on stage like Chris Elliot does during the date auction in Groundhog Day. (I love that movie.) He probably also drops a couple of dollars for tip at a restaurant, just so that his date can see, before quickly picking up the dollars once she's looking away.

Let's move on, even though there is no shortage of material here. I'm going to bag on Skylar because of his "deep in thought" profile pic. Did you ever read that post on douchebag Silicon Valley profile pics? (Don't worry, it's not written by me.) Amongst the category "very important dbag" pics, where the person is speaking to an audience, there is also the "thoughtful humanist." It's a must-read. Skylar is definitely going with the "thoughtful humanist" pic here. Other than that, never trust someone who is wearing sunglasses in their dating profile pic – like Ato, who is self-proclaimed, "tall, dark, and handsome," and "the deep voice is just a bonus." Muhahahahaha, who are these toolios?!? Spencer looks good from afar, but you also can't trust people where the subject's face takes up only 1/100 of the picture size. So, ladies, the two normal guys with normal bios and pics are Jay and Cary. Am I wrong that their bios are more endearing than the other ones?

Let's move on to the ladies. While I might be digging here, I must take all liberties to make Louise feel better. She is the one who submitted the snow bunny picture in a sea of touched up, makeup-filled, skin-showing women.


Shali - girls who take pics looking at the camera through the sides of their eyes do this to hide a large face or uneven facial features. 

Diana - oh man.... sorry, Louise, I can't think of anything here. She is pretty and sounds too good to be true. You can always be #2! Regardless of what Nelly says, some #2s are remembered. Pepsi Cola anyone? Burger King? Sam Bowie? I rest my case. 

Louise - her bio ROCKS! Clever, witty, eclectic, nostalgic and SUCCINCT! She knows we have short attention spans! She's so thoughtful! And that every woman, rugged winter wear?!?! That's a gal who spells out confidence. No need to show cleavage in every pic. A self-assured, confident, natural beauty, who will chop her own wood in the winter if needed! 

Silvia - what is this? Outside the mall glamour shots?!? If you're not a model and you hire someone to take modeling-style pics of yourself, I'm going to assume you're really vain. This is not a good idea, guys. These are the type of girls that start dating you and then try and change you. And besides that, who travels to 25 countries!?!? Who is she, Carmen Sandiego!?!? What's wrong with the good ol' U.S. of A.?!? She must not be patriotic. 

Haley - okay, fellas, this is a softball. She's going to try extra hard to please you, because she's insecure. Angled self-pic that prominently shows off her implants, using that filter that flashes out the details of a face (not like our sweet Louise's pic!). Seems a little gratuitous, don't you think? Another dead giveaway for low self-esteem? She seems to be trying too hard to capture every category that a male might like: "wine for me and beer for you." Really? She doesn't drink beer but wants her man to drink beer?!?! "wine for me – beer, golf, football Sundays, and uninterrupted porn-watching for you" might've been less obvious. 

Nyla - ............ okay, Louise, there's nothing wrong with being #3. Wendy's. Sprite. Coors Light. All very formidable. And if you're in the right mood, sometimes preferable. The Atlanta Falcons finished third last year and I remembered that (after searching Google). One of my high school teammates wore #3 and he was really good. So, there you go! Nyla, call me!

I wish I could attend this Spring Fling, because I would be the one snickering at anyone who bid on Mateo. Then, when Louise goes up, I would grandly and loudly start the bidding off before quickly being outpriced by anyone going over $10.83. I would then be the one at the punch bowl, drinking by himself, swallowing sadness. For a look at a real man's profile bio, check out mine at OKCupid. That's what it's about, mofo: http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Kevinbay.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. If you're in the Bay, it's this Thursday, May 16th, 2013. Regardless of the scientific facts I've stated here, you should go and bid, or drink and mingle, it's for a good cause - something about underprivileged kids. Here's the link.

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