|If it weren't for Hungry Man's vegetable section, I don't know where I'd get my veggies from. #humblebrag #eachdaybetterthannext #betterthanyourfrenchlaundrypics|
- kevy this makes me sad for you!!!
- Saddest FB post of the week.
First, I love the affectionate nature of "kevy," secondly, I laughed at the genuine sympathy I was receiving. I looooove Hungry Man TV dinners, just like I love my Chef Boyardee. If you read a lot of my writings, you'll see that I occasionally reference them as jokes. But it's not a joke when it gets in my belly! It is pure preserved goodness. If there is ever a zombie apocalypse, everyone should make a beeline to my house. There are so many canned food items in my closet, that we'll be good for about 10 years.
Anyhow, back to the point, we're at a saturation point on Facebook. I still go on it, out of pure addiction and insight on marketing trends, but the posts I see are just so routine. We've seen them all by now – that picture of your feet as they overlook the ocean/pool (no guy should ever do this, btw), that picture of your happy hour cocktail looking so dreamy, that check-in at the airport to show us you're going someplace new, the funny memes about how "everyone is blah blah blah, but I'm just like, 'I love wine,'" the bad day/angry at work status updates, and the "I love my wife" posts even though your wife is sitting next to you in the flesh. I'm not saying I don't enjoy these posts, I'm just saying I'd like to see something new.
Now you might be saying, "Kevin, you're smokin reefer, you f*cktard. And you're a loser! You're handsome as hell, but smokin reefer. You're the biggest humblebragger in the world! Always posting pics of yourself shirtless in exotic destinations! I bet you even tell the random stranger, whom you asked to take your picture, to hold on, so that you can take your shirt off!"
I'm guilty as charged! I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been on vacation, taken my shirt off, did 8,000 pushups, took a picture, and then desperately searched for a wifi hotspot so that I could post my latest beach pic for all to see and fawn over. It's my hope that girls want to be with me and guys want to be me. Now that I've done it all (hahaha), I don't even post pictures anymore of going to a ballgame, or laying out at a "US-based beach." That would just be way below me. Plus, I don't want to let down all my fans who expect so much from me! Can you imagine if I posted a picture of me at a pool? IN CUPERTINO?!?! I might as well be homeless!
To mix things up on Facebook and social media, I'd like to start a new trend and campaign, called, #SadBrag, aka 'the trailer trash posts.' Now I realize this may offend the thrash of the trailer park neighborhoods, but if they have internet access and are living in a trailer park, they have far greater things to worry about - like money management. So I'm going interject sad moments in my life (which are quite plentiful), thoughts with little-to-no ambition, and various posts that would make you think I would be better off in an assisted living-type of home - because no one ever posts stuff like this. The types of posts that people would read and be like, "Wow, I'm glad I'm not Kevin. I feel much better about my life."
Here are some gems you might see in the future.
- "Prices on Plan B sure haven't changed much over the years."
- "The girls at Planned Parenthood, while a little disheveled, are super hot!"
- "Because I order so much from the $.99 cent menu, I can tell you exactly how much my total bill will be with tax, all the way up to seven items. If only my high school math teacher could see me now."
- Me in the shower, pre-drinking out of a sippy cup to save time.
- Me in the living room, pre-partying alone, listening to Lionel Ritchie, pre-drinking Popov's and Safeway-brand Cranberry Juice.
- Me in the car, pre-drinking alone, and singing along to classics from N'Sync.
- Me eating Taco Bell, paired with a fine bottle of Charles Shaw Cabernet - alone.
- You know it. Wal-Mart, Planned Parenthood, McDonald's, Chevron - when I need to use their toilet, Center For Children Who Can't Read Good (hopefully they take adults too), Sporty's Bikini Bar - when I go there every day at 3pm when I wake up.... and all sorts of other goodies.
My friend, Sasha, who affectionately called me "Kevy" earlier and continues to make me feel uncomfortable around her husband with such comments and details of our juvenile dalliances, once had a running gag in high school where she would get all her friends to show off the ugliest face they could make. And there were some real good ones. A few years ago, Sasha, quote, "tried to start an ugly profile picture fad... No one joined me so I just looked ugly on FB for a few weeks."
Oh, Sasha, you crack me up. (You guys should really read her guest post about how to give a great blowjob. It has become one of my most-trafficked posts on SVB, which in no way angers me that a guest writer gets more page views than I do.) While it's easy for those to participate in an ugly picture fad when you're married or in a long-term relationship - kind of like when guys experiment with haircuts and facial hair in the same situation - I shall partake in this endeavor anyway. It's only for the brave and those courageous enough to look bad in front of their friends. And "Brave" and "Courage" are both in my middle name (when convenient). Besides, people should stop taking themselves so seriously all the time! Still #HumbleBrag it up, as I plan to do on my next trip, but #SadBrag it on occasion too! If you can laugh at yourself, life is a lot less stressful and a lot more fun.