Tucker Max once said he got at least five email solicitations for sex from female fans each day. I'm still waiting on one. Until then, I do get great emails from people (that I publish every once in awhile) from single guys and gals, needing advice on their dating dilemmas. I honestly don't mind and answer almost every single one to the best of my abilities. I have lots of time on my hands, and this gives me the feeling that I have actual friends. Most of my former friends are married, so they're essentially dead to me. But there is absolutely nothing wrong with going out for a night on the town by yourself on a Tuesday night and getting absolutely obliterated, and having the bartender refuse to give you back your keys, citing your parking job as evidence of obliteration.
One of the best ways to get me to read your email is to tell me how awesome I am. This gets me very erect. In fact, if done in person, I will most likely buy you several drinks or felate you. I'm straight. I swear it. But I'm a sucker for compliments, cornrows, and manicured toes. Any of the three will have me eating out of your hand. This below email was a great one, because 1) It's detailed, so that I don't have to ask too many follow-up questions. 2) There are no egregious spelling mistakes, or incorrect usage of "your," "you're," "their," "there," "they're," "to," and "too," amongst others. 3) Paragraphs are broken up for unintimidating reading. 4) It reads like a game, so that it's like a choose-your-own-adventure book! The only thing that would've made it better would've been a coloring book attached, like they have at Chili's for small children. (Pro tip: always use pencil when drawing a route to the center of the maze. My mazes looks like a war zone when completed. There's a line to every single dead-end. I also like to sign my maze afterwards, so the server can see my level of ineptitude and it explains some of the low-brow level of interaction she had and why I required the use of a bib while eating.)
Let's move on to this email and I would also like you guys and gals to participate in choosing Gal A, B, or C to the right of this blog post. Although you won't be able to access the survey from your mobile devices.
Happened to randomly fall upon your SVB blog about a month ago and after reading through all your posts (in some cases twice), I've become a big time fan. You seem like a guy with a lot of valuable life experience and plenty of wisdom to impart. So I figured what better person to help me through my rather difficult dating predicament than you. Here's my story:
I'm a pretty good looking 25 year-old college grad living in the Bay Area with a solid job, a decently sized apartment, and zero debt. A few months ago, my older brother encouraged me to start being more proactive about my dating life...and understandably so. Since graduating college, my dating life had been virtually non-existent, with my weekends typically revolving around traveling or getting drunk with my buddies rather than pursuing the opposite sex. So I joined Match.com and jumped on this hot new app called Tinder (I'm sure you've heard of it). In no time at all, I was going on 3-4 dates a week (like I said- I've got the goods, I just needed a better venue to put myself out there).
So here we are a few months later and I now find myself a prisoner of my own creation. After filtering out the slop from the crop, I've arrived upon three lovely ladies- each of whom, have legitimate girlfriend potential. Only problem is, I can't figure out which one I'm more serious about. I suppose, for the sake of this story, it would be helpful to give you a quick low-down of each girl and what she has to offer:
Girl A -Fun, goofy, sweet, with a bit of a feisty side (could be a freak in bed) -Went to a decent college, has a decent job, and life aspirations are uncertain -More cute than sexy, but a solid 7
Girl B -Hard working, energetic, work hard/play hard, soft spoken but very passionate -Already has her masters, has a great job, and is probably on an even better career path than myself -Smoking body, very sexy, but the sum of her parts probably equates to about a 6.5
Girl C -Classy, sweet, girl-next door type, fun but not overly exciting, the perfect girl to bring home and introduce to your parents -Went to a good college, has a good job, and has solid career aspirations -Naturally beautiful (makeup or not) and probably the most attractive of the three
Please don't get the wrong idea here; by no means am I asking you to help me decide which one to pick based solely on their description. That would be insanely shallow of me (something I'm guilty of 90% of the time, but I'm desperately trying to avoid in this case). I'm just trying to give you an idea of where I'm coming from here. You see, they all have unique positive qualities that make them equally solid girlfriend candidates. And even though I didn't list them, they each have their own set of drawbacks as well which makes it increasingly difficult to decide which direction to go in.
So seven paragraphs and about five hundred words later, I guess this is what I'm trying to get at: do you have an ideas as to how I can help narrow things down a bit before this situation starts to get dicey? Obviously it's a blessing to have too many rather than too few options in the dating world. However, I have serious reservations about my ability to continue dating all three at the same pace they're currently on. At some point, things are going to get serious, intimacy is going to come into play, and expectations will start to mount. I just don't want to find myself in this same position a month from now when one, two, or maybe even all three of them want answers and I still have none. Any advice/feedback/relatable stories would be greatly appreciated.
Here is my follow-up email response, that, admittedly, starts off pretty shallow:
"Okay, I need to know you better, but I think their negatives are more important. One of those negatives could be something that will really wear on you many years down the line. What are the reasons for your break-ups with previous girlfriends? Those reasons/negative traits are things that you need to be able to identify in any of these three girls.
For me, this may be shallow, but I can't date a girl if I know she's going to gain excessive weight in the future. You can tell sometimes by their ankles, their mothers, or if they enjoy eating too much, or drink beer, and/or don't work out. Also, I can downgrade girls based off of how well I think they're going to age in the future. Typically, white girls don't age that well, while Asians age the best. Latinas and blacks also tend to age pretty well. I also like curvy women, because I once dated a girl who didn't really have much of a butt or breast, and after awhile, sex was kind of boring without getting to enjoy one or the other.
Past all the shallowness, I like an ambitious girl. If you're a smart, ambitious guy, you're going to be stimulated by smart, ambitious women. Otherwise, you'll just get bored with the girl after awhile, because your work is going to be what's driving and interesting you. Solid and stable career interests are just not going to cut it here. She has to really love what she does, because you both need to come together and be able to share intriguing stories. If she is not ambitious, then she will stay in the same job and her stories will become mundane. You're going to prefer staying at work or hanging with buddies, over listening to her stories that never change.
She has to have many friends and be independent, because it sounds like you have a lot of male buddies you like to get drunk with. She needs friends to be able to hang out with so you can have your guy time. She has to be the type that is going to challenge you and not let you walk all over her, because those who are ambitious will have a tendency to get lost in their work more and more, unless a girl draws the line. Who would make you want to be a better man? Who are the girls of the three that are going to be all of these things to you? That's what you need to ask yourself.
Anyhow, without knowing more about you, these are my suggestions."
I received a nice response from Mr. Indecisive that further inflated my ego and we're going to meet up for drinks, where I will then get unceremoniously drunk, encourage him to pay for the bill and then blabber on about not choosing any of the girls, as I'm in need of a decent wingman. But, in the meantime, I decided to run a poll for the first time (how fun does that sound!?), which you'll see to the right of this blog post. Based off of Mr. Indecisive's descriptions, which gal would you choose? Make sure you vote before looking at the results. I know who I picked! Let's see how we match up!
Maybe one day, I can have a TV commercial testimonial from Mr. Indecisive on how The SVB helped him make the right choices in life. I can picture that awesome Match.com-like commercial, as he's sitting on his plaid couch while Girl * sits next to him. With a baby in her lap. There will be other kids running in and around them, as one toddler runs by with matches in hand. Girl * will have curlers in her hair, smoking a cigarette. Then, I'll walk up behind them in my silk robe and pipe, put my hands on their shoulders and start massaging them in a way that both of them seem to oddly enjoy a little too much. Then I'll look directly into the camera and say, "This could be you. This could be you."
Then I'd wink. And it would be game over. Children all over the world.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor