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Have a Baby? Here are Some Recycled Questions I Will Ask You
By The SVB • 2:36:00 PM • • Comments : 0
Now all these "friends" have the audacity to start having kids!!! Do you know that we're no longer playing with pieces of paper and non-binding legal documents anymore?!?! Still, this, too, shall pass. In the meantime, I try to be a good friend. First of all, by putting a piece of mint-flavored chewing gum in my mouth, then using that vanilla-scented air-freshener I got at the car wash to lather up my pits and neck so that I don't reek of the bar I just came from so that I can come see your kid. Because that's what good friends do. See each other's kids.
In case my baby/parenthood questions startle you with their complexity and guile, here they are, so you can think of an answer before I get there. I'm almost 98% certain you have never heard any of these lines uttered. Here is the normal sequence of questions:
- Oh my GAWWWD! He/she is so cuuuuuute! He/she looks like ________ (fill in the blank with any parent - it doesn't matter). Do you get that a lot?
(Cue debate on which in-law says who looks like who)
- Oh my GAAAWWWD!!! (in fact, from now on, just imagine every question starting with "OMG", because that's how all questions start when a baby is around.) How does he/she sleep through the night?
- Are you getting any rest?
- Are you enjoying being a parent?
- Have you been able to start drinking yet?
- Are you planning on eating your placenta? (What?!?! I like to ask personal questions!) Do you ever feel like putting hot sauce on it?
- How long do you have to wait to start having sex again? What position do you miss the most?
- I'm hungry, do you have any extra placenta?
- I should probably say something else about your baby. His/her eyes/cheeks/ears/hair/skin/clothes are SOOOOO CUUUUTE!!!!
- I love baby smell! I wish they had baby smell car freshener!!!
- Can you please post more pictures on Facebook? I'm so glad you never posted ANYTHING before on Facebook, but now that you have a kid, you post every 10 minutes! Thank you!!!
- I was serious about the placenta. I'm hungry and I hear there are lots of health benefits. Do you have any Sriracha?
- What did you just say about my maturity level!?!?
- Well you can go F*CK YOURSELF!
- And that $100 I owe you? You can forget about seeing that again!
- Oh, and that baby gift I got you? I left the full-price tag on it, just so you think I spent more on it than I did, but really, I got it at 20% off! Hahaha, looks like the joke's on you!
- What!??! I can derelict my own balls, thank you very much.
- Have a nice life. Good luck with that baby thing.
Aaaaand, that about sums up a normal baby visit for me.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor
You can email me at SVBachelor@gmail.com.