Have a Baby? Here are Some Recycled Questions I Will Ask You

Well, awhile ago it was about that time where all my friends were getting married. I let that pass me right by, just like I let the time pass by when everyone was getting a salaried job with benefits. "It's a faze" I told myself. "They'll get over this and I'll see them again soon at the bar, where we can continue taking Jager shots and pounding Captain Morgan and Cokes." Well.... guess what?!?! I'm still waiting!!!

Now all these "friends" have the audacity to start having kids!!! Do you know that we're no longer playing with pieces of paper and non-binding legal documents anymore?!?! Still, this, too, shall pass. In the meantime, I try to be a good friend. First of all, by putting a piece of mint-flavored chewing gum in my mouth, then using that vanilla-scented air-freshener I got at the car wash to lather up my pits and neck so that I don't reek of the bar I just came from so that I can come see your kid. Because that's what good friends do. See each other's kids.


In case my baby/parenthood questions startle you with their complexity and guile, here they are, so you can think of an answer before I get there. I'm almost 98% certain you have never heard any of these lines uttered. Here is the normal sequence of questions:

- Oh my GAWWWD! He/she is so cuuuuuute! He/she looks like ________ (fill in the blank with any parent - it doesn't matter). Do you get that a lot?

(Cue debate on which in-law says who looks like who)

- Oh my GAAAWWWD!!! (in fact, from now on, just imagine every question starting with "OMG", because that's how all questions start when a baby is around.) How does he/she sleep through the night?

- Are you getting any rest?

- Are you enjoying being a parent? 

- Have you been able to start drinking yet?

- Are you planning on eating your placenta? (What?!?! I like to ask personal questions!) Do you ever feel like putting hot sauce on it?

- How long do you have to wait to start having sex again? What position do you miss the most?

- I'm hungry, do you have any extra placenta?

- I should probably say something else about your baby. His/her eyes/cheeks/ears/hair/skin/clothes are SOOOOO CUUUUTE!!!!

- I love baby smell! I wish they had baby smell car freshener!!! 

- Can you please post more pictures on Facebook? I'm so glad you never posted ANYTHING before on Facebook, but now that you have a kid, you post every 10 minutes! Thank you!!!

- I was serious about the placenta. I'm hungry and I hear there are lots of health benefits. Do you have any Sriracha?

- What did you just say about my maturity level!?!?

- Well you can go F*CK YOURSELF!

- And that $100 I owe you? You can forget about seeing that again!

- Oh, and that baby gift I got you? I left the full-price tag on it, just so you think I spent more on it than I did, but really, I got it at 20% off! Hahaha, looks like the joke's on you!

- What!??! I can derelict my own balls, thank you very much. 

- Have a nice life. Good luck with that baby thing. 

Aaaaand, that about sums up a normal baby visit for me.

Toodles,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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