Sayings, Things, and People That Should Be Banned From Society


I know I am bound to offend some people here, but what the heck. Grow some thicker skin. My parents tell me I'm a loser all the time, you don't see me trying to drink myself to death every week. Only once a month. And that one time I slit my wrists, only to find out afterwards it's best to go long ways up the arm. So get over it!!!

There are many tired jokes, sayings, catchphrases, slogans, whatever you want to call them - which is what inspired this post. I'm tired of polite chuckles, so I will now just refer you to this post from now on. Here's a list of things that should be retired:

- "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" - Inevitably someone is going to bring this up while you're in Las Vegas, thinking they are clever for uttering the long-standing commercial catchphrase, and unofficial motto, for Vegas. Even if you don't hear it while in Vegas from some uninitiated newbie, you'll probably hear it from someone after you return home. "How was Vegas... oh, wait. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas... am I right!?!?" Yes. You're hilarious.

- "That's what she said" - Okay. When did this come out? Like 8 years ago on The Office? It's over now. We've already heard every variation of how this phrase can turn any innocuous comment into sexual innuendo. There's nothing left you can do to turn this one into something no one's ever heard of.

- "Nom Nom Nom" - I have no idea where this even started as a moniker for chowing down some grub. When I see it, I want to puke. To me, it's the equivalent of baby talk from an adult. If you're a guy using this, even worse. Eating food doesn't even sound like that! "Nom, nom, nom..." If that's how you sound when you eat, I hope you recover from your stroke soon.

- Hotmail - Who still uses Hotmail!?!? When someone gives me an email address that has "hotmail" at the end, I automatically think this person is someone who has dial-up internet connection, probably uses a pre-created sticker of their name and address for envelopes, just recently turned in an offer for 12 CDs for a penny, and hasn't change their daily routine for the last 20 years. Okay, I have an account, but it's  for services that I sign up for that might be a haven for spam - i.e. Naughty Grandmas, Shemale Delight, and Videogame Vixens.

- Slow drivers in the fast lane - I can't begin to tell you how many dirty looks I give to drivers as I pass them up on the right lane. Speaking of "dirty looks," I need to work on the look because it must not be very intimidating, as fat guys and old ladies show no remorse and end up threatening me with their fists and middle fingers. Anyhow, have you ever seen the people who drive 60 - 65 mph in the fast lane? (That's the very left lane, if this is somehow a post that should be directed at you.) They are typically fat and probably horrible in the sack. People who show no consideration for others cannot possibly please someone else in bed. They should retire DMV license-givers (is that their name?), because they obviously are blowing it with the drivers they allow on the road. Go F*CK yourself.

- "Something like that..." - Back to sayings, this one is actually not an annoyance, but a pet peeve of mine. It doesn't happen all that often, but every once in awhile someone (usually someone I don't know) will respond to my insight or query with, "something like that." The other day I was at the gym, doing thousands of arm curls (in case you were wondering), and there was a table full of "vintage" YMCA t-shirts, basketball jerseys, and baseball t's, that were being sold for like $3. An employee was folding them as I filtered through them and I said, happily, "did you guys have this in back just collecting dust?" And, without looking up, or even faking pleasantness, he responded with, "something like that." End of conversation. I wanted to beat him up. I know you hate your minimum wage job, but you don't have to be a dick! You just lost $3 for the youth of America, mister! You can go F*CK yourself too!!!

Well, I can't think of any others right now off the top of my head - but let's take a moment to commend me for being able to write posts on the fly. Hell, I never think about what the beginning, middle, or end will consist of until I get there. I am a truly talented writer. I'm sure some other things that should be retired will hit me when it happens. Feel free to chime in! As for old phrases that have been around for awhile that never get tiring for me, those include, "Totino's... the Party Pizza!" Of course, I'm the only one I ever hear that says that. In fact, it's normally by myself, and I like to emphasize "party" as I take it out of the freezer and use my hands as guns while I imaginarily shoot them into the air. Sometimes I'll add a "pew, pew, pew" that symbolizes shots fired. (That's how they party in the ghetto.) I also am a huge fan of, "Thank goodness for Chef Boyardeeeeee...." I have a very lovely voice. A voice of angel, I've been told.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Party Pizza Bachelor!

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2 comments :

  1. 858-361-4407. call this douche. he has a book where he fucking poses with his fucking shirt off and makes a fucking duck face. what a tool douche.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha, I totally am a douche. Call me!

    ReplyDelete

 
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