Why Every Guy Should Read Chick-Lit Books

Recently I was talking to someone about books that I had recently read and books that I planned to read in the future. I do not remember where this conversation took place or who this person was, or whether it even happened at all, as many of my memories get hazy after blackout drinking sessions and sleeping 14 hour nights. YOU try having dreams for 14 hours! You start manufacturing crazy scenarios - I was Curious George the other night - and conversations with celebrities, because your mind is running out of things to dream about. Anyhow, I was pretty much watching this guy's mouth move (it may actually have never happened) and waiting for my next opportunity to talk more about myself (definitely happened), but then he said something interesting. He was talking about how reading "chick" books is a really good way to talk with women. I immediately cut him off so that I could interject my much more interesting thoughts.

I told him how reading "Twilight" had given me conversation fodder with legions of women, along with "Hunger Games" and even the "Harry Potter" series. The conversations were not just relegated domestically, but in foreign countries where it's sometimes hard to have anything in common. I also told him how I planned to read "50 Shades of Grey" in the near future.

Think about it. Ladies go gaga and ape-shit over these books (I consider 'gaga' and 'ape-shit' to be different), screaming with glee and profusely "liking" each other's Facebook updates any time one of these chick-lit books are mentioned.

This is a real picture of me reading in bed while on vacation. I am wearing no bottoms underneath that blanket, in case you were wondering.

Here is a typical conversation I have with females I meet at a bar:

Her - "OMG! YOU read Twilight!?!?"

Me - "Yeah, Team Jacob all the way."

Her - "Whaaaat!?!? You're crazy! Edward is so much sweeter and caring."

Me - "Edward is a stalker and pedophile. And not just ANY pedophile, like EXTREME pedophile. We're talking 86 years."

Her - "OMG, you are crazy!"

Me - "No. You're crazy, with those beautiful eyes of yours. And your Dad must be crazy for stealing those stars out of the sky and putting them in your eyeball sockets. And is that a Donna Karan top you're wearing from the Fall 2011 collection!?! LOVE it!"

(This immediately leads to our clothes being flung off in the men's bathroom and her holding onto the handicap stall grab bars as.... she shoves a champagne bottle up my butt hole as I scream for help. What?!? Was this story supposed to have a different scenario?)

To be honest with you, I don't really read these books to "bag" women. I read them because I like to know what's captivating people's minds and why. Call it a result of years of journalism and marketing. I want to know what makes people tick. Then, after that, I want to get in their pants. Plus, a lot of the writing uses easy-to-pronounce words that require only an 8th grade level of English - which I happened to pass with a C+!

Both times.

That Ms. Miller was a real b*tch. She really didn't like it when I tied a classmate's overalls to the stool he was sitting on and it knocked over the projector. GET OVER IT! It was just a stupid projector. Use a chalkboard, like your age suggests that you should!!!! B*tch.

Anyhow, I'm over it. I wish her no ill-will. But if someone needs to get eaten by zombies first, I suggest they start at Hyde Jr. High.

Where were we?!? Oh yeah. If you ever caught yourself watching an old episode of Oprah Winfrey - don't act like you didn't - think about all the times they would pan to the audience and you'd see them giggling like school girls over Tom Cruise or some new gift that everyone was receiving. That's how girls are when they find out you read something that was deemed, "female literature." Don't do it just for them, it's actually interesting reads. I read all of the Hunger Games trilogy in about a week. 50% of our species can't be wrong.

On another note, I don't know if I could date someone who doesn't read. There is an extreme amount of information, societal observations and tendencies that I learn from every book. I can't believe that some people are not soaking up that knowledge. Especially guys, who could learn exactly what makes a woman squirm... and maybe scream. By letting a woman know you read, you've already suggested to her that you are not an uneducated douchebag -- like your demeanor and dress might suggest. By letting her know you read chick-lit, you've suggested to her that you are secure with your masculinity and worthy of extended conversation.

Heck, at least 50% of my readers here are female. It's time you, guys, evened the score.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

It's also good to know what a "man" thinks. What pigs!
P.S. "Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness" can be deemed chick-lit, so you should buy it here. The book can also be deemed horror, suspense, romance, fantasy, science fiction, non-fiction, fiction, and an STD-warning guide.

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