I'd like to congratulate myself. It's been a long and arduous journey, but me and my liver did it. I have now partied in almost every destination known for partying in the world! I may look young, thanks to a tireless and gratuitous regimen of extensive nightly sleep, but on the inside, my liver and organs are probably that of a deceased individual. If I ever become an organ donor, I am quite certain my organs would be extracted, laughed at, documented for scientific journals, then given to the family pet as a snack.
In this special segment, where in years past I have highlighted the best destinations for single's beaches, blackjack, and herpes contraction around the world, I will now bring you the Best Bachelor Party Destinations!
I have not previously thought about what categories or rating system I am employing, so I shall make sh*t up as I go. Also, I know some of these destinations are not practical for most people, as you have kids, mortgage payments, different priorities, a sense of normalcy, and an income that probably doesn't compare to mine. I try to be considerate of my privileged spot amongst the food pyramid (top, above lions and honeybadgers) - not everyone has made upwards of $10 an hour in their lives. Here's my Top 5!
5. LAS VEGAS - Some of you might think that this is the ultimate bachelor party destination in the world, and undoubtedly it's a good time, as well as the place I've been to the most for bachelor parties, but the fact that there is no real "culture" gives this place a lower rating in my book. In terms of shear number of promiscuous individuals, I don't know if there is a rival. Then again, that's not my cup of tea. I prefer the pricing of in-room on-demand movies, which comes at a bargain price of $4.95 and up - so watching the last two installments of the Twilight saga will run you less than $10! Score!!!! Bachelor parties in Las Vegas are a nightmare, as no group of guys is getting in anywhere even remotely popular without $300 a person minimum bottle service. Marquee? XS? Try Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville in that outdoor strip mall, or the lobby bar inside Circus Circus.
4. AMSTERDAM - As someone who loves not wearing clothes, I find it hard to truly enjoy a bachelor party that doesn't encompass a pool or beach featuring scantily-clad women. Although, you can find plenty of scantily-clad women in the Red Light District - truly one of the most unique things you'll see in your life, as all different types of women invite you to come into their closet-sized room and engage in some sort of sexual activity. They even had a section for girls with penises - which has always been a fantasy of mine. I did love the unique culture, architecture, and the ability to bike around the entire city without ever seemingly having to go uphill. And let's not forget what Amsterdam is best known for. Marijuana. I don't smoke it, but people who do are easy-going, nice people. And when I get into one of my drunken fits of rage? Those people are much easier to beat up.
3. MIAMI - Miami is like the Las Vegas of the East Coast. While not nearly as outrageous or scandalous, Miami has its own share of bachelor/bachelorette parties coursing through its nightlife. As one of the few major U.S. cities that allows late-night partying past 2am, a drunken, extended night of partying can be had as if you were in a major European or South American party destination. The fact that there's a heavy Cuban/latin influence, gives the sense that it could be another country. Lined along a lengthy beach that reminds me of Rio De Janeiro's Copacabana and Ipanema, there's constant sources of activity in the form of volleyball, soccer, football, and people watching. Girls in Miami are curvier than the rest of the states and g-strings aren't uncommon. Therefore, making my g-string that much easier to stomach.
2. CANCUN - Well, who goes to Mexico and doesn't expect to do something crazy? It's like a loosening of morals happens as soon as you consider what clothes to pack in your bag - similar to Las Vegas. Standards are low and sloppy (which bodes well for me), while everyone drinks to blackout levels and beyond. If someone in your group didn't throw up the night before, you probably did something wrong. Unlike Vegas, you won't need to get decked out for the best clubs, nor will you need to shell out hundreds of dollars just to partake in any one event. And if you want some non-commercial culture, you're not too far from Chichen Iza, Tulum, and Playa Del Carmen. The only negative is that the revelers are on the younger side. Vince Vaughn won't have to look very far when he's swinging his jacket around and yelling out, "where do the high school girls hang out around here?"
1. IBIZA - Ibiza is like the rich-only version of Las Vegas. Filled with hot young women from all over Europe and the world's best DJs, this place is like all of the above, only on drugs. In fact, everyone mostly is. Women sunbathe topless at the pool and on the beach. You almost get used to not pointing out every single pair of breast while drooling and mindlessly saying, "boooooobies." Almost. You have to wear your sunglasses at every conceivable moment so that you can pretend to be looking forward when you really are looking to your right and to your left while trying hard not to instinctively reach for your penis. One night while partying it up, we tried to GIVE away alcohol because we still had two bottles left at our table. We went to the bar, figuring someone had to be ordering a drink. Nope. People were too busy getting massages and expressing their love for each other.
There are some other destinations I've been to that weren't for bachelor parties, but would probably make for fun group outings as well - Montreal, Pamplona (for the Running of the Bulls), Rio De Janeiro, and Phi Phi Island in Thailand come to mind. As for me, I plan on having my bachelor party in Cuba. It's off the beaten path, but a relatively unspoiled gem where a few dollars will equal $100 spent in Las Vegas. Whereas you'd be hard-pressed to stand out in any of the above locations, you'd live like Kings in Cuba. People in Cuba make about $20 a month! I could take a bite of my late night street food, throw the rest on the ground as people watch and yell out, "what eez zis!?!? Eet tastes like shheeet!" Then storm off. (In my mind, I am French when drunk.) As for beaches? Unless they're airbrushed, that water looks amazing.
Well, you can't go too wrong when it comes to a bachelor party. Surrounded by your best friends in life, memories are sure to be made in any destination. Just pour alcohol down your throats liberally, and remember, don't have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party like Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Zat sheeet makes me vant to vomeet!
P.S. This is a really good website to see what girls look like in countries all over the world and find out what they're like, http://www.girlsonamap.com/. Also, special thanks to the club, Mansion, in Miami for their hospitality. They set us up with the best table in the house and, in return, I promised not to puke in a public area.