Funny Things People Email a Silicon Valley Bachelor

I get a kick out of reading my "fan" mail. I can't say that it is "praising" in nature, but I'm going to call it "fan" mail anyway - so you can have a warm glass of 'shut the hell up'. Tucker Max once wrote that he gets at least five or six emails a day offering him "sexual favors". I, fortunately, get none of that. Rather, I get adult males who want to hang out with me, which I prefer much more. The number one email I receive is from people who want to know where to party in Silicon Valley to meet a particular type of person. It has something to do with this post, I believe.

I have partied with them all: mixed crowds, whites, asians, hispanics, blacks, gays, cougars... and you know what? I've won them over everytime!!! On more than one occasion, I've been invited to have drinks in a "special room" and woken up in the morning in a broom closet with my pants around my ankles bleeding out of my anus. That's true friendship. The best is when I do that slow, cliched movie bit where I methodically walk into my shower with all my clothes on, turn on the faucet, put my back against the wall and slowly slide down until I'm in the fetal position - lightly sobbing as the tears aggressively compete against the pounding of the shower water against my face. I deserve an Oscar.

Here is a recent email from my "unique" readers:

Dear SVB,

Imagine you're a computer programmer (a nerd) who has been stranded on a desert island for the last 10 years. On your 30th birthday, you build a raft and escape, somehow landing in the bay area. You brought with you some treasure you found on the island, and promptly sell it for about $150,000. With this cash now in the bank, you've decided to take some time off and spend your days looking for, and securing, a kick-ass future wife. This is your only priority.

Where should you live? Anywhere in the bay area is fair game. Please be specific (e.g. "live within walking distance of ____"). What activities do you recommend?

Since location and activities might depend on the characteristics of the target wife, assume she needs to be either a college graduate or is old enough to be one, and is preferably white, but possibly asian or hispanic if sufficiently kick-ass.

Best Regards,
L.E.


Don't I have the awesomest readers?!? While reading the email, it was like delving into my own choose-your-own-adventure story! I'd like to think "L.E." stands for Larry Ellison. Larry, I'm flattered that you came to me after your four failed marriages. And I applaud your creativity in email. Also, I'm glad that you're somewhat color-blind and open to "kick-ass" minorities. Newsflash: I am "of color". (I've been using a lot "quotations" in this article. If you could see me typing, you would see me stop typing, so that I could form "quotes" with my fingers before each usage.)

Here's another great email:

Hello -- 

I came across your blog here at www.siliconvalleybachelor.com/2011/07/how-do-you-give-great-blowjob-how-to-by.html a few weeks ago as I was researching and writing a recent series of publications, which collectively form a set of educational resources for people looking to pursue learning of any kind. These resources include the Education Debate (http://www.onlineschools.org/education-debate/), an authoritative directory of available opportunities in the US for education, and even an eBook.

Together, some of these have been referenced by the likes of the New York Times, PBS, and Mashable, among others. I think that a blog post which discusses educational reform, learning theory, and its intersection with the state of standardized testing today could be of some potential value to your readers. I would really love to work with you and come up with a guest contribution that discusses this or similar topic that you might enjoy. What do you think? It would be such a pleasure to hear from you.

All my best,
Estelle *******


How in God's name does a post about giving blow-jobs lead one to believe that my audience is geared towards an article having to do with "educational reform" in state standardized testing?!?!? Apparently, Estelle believes that the schooling system has failed all of my readers. Or that you're all mentally challenged. That's on you guys. I bleeped out her last name to protect her. Don't want another Spike Lee on George Zimmerman-type scenario. I am socially responsible.

Finally, I have now had three reality show casting directors email me in the last few months. I don't know how I became such a hot commodity, but I recommend you do like Randi Zuckerburg after finding out an Asian person might be on a show about Silicon Valley and cut bait now!!! See above notation, "I am '"of color"'". ( I actually got to put quotations around something I already earlier put quotations over, thus giving it a record number of quotations following one word. I'm so proud.)

Silicon Valley Bachelor,

My name is ***** and I am a casting producer for CBS and I am currently casting a new show. I came across your blog online and think you would be a great fit for our program. Its a new docu-series following 3 amazing women as they search for the countries eligible single men. I know you arent a huge fan of the Bachelor/Bachelorette shows but I can assure you this is going to be completely different. No rose ceremonies, no proposals, no cheesy BS. I would love to talk to you more about our show and if you are interested schedule you for an audition. We only have a out 2 weeks of casting left, so if you are interested please get back to me asap. Thanks and I look forward to hearing from you. 

*****


I, ultimately, had to reject this offer. But the guy who interviewed me was awesome and I think the show will be a success. You guys should watch it when it comes out. It's called "3" - based off a highly successful Israeli show called "Shalosh". I will only take part in a show called "1", where I am the focal point and the camera follows me around as I make complicated decisions on whether to eat a can of Beefaroni or Spaghetti-Os, whether I will increase my workout from 10 lb dumbells to 12.5 lb, and whether I will sleep 10 or 11 hours that night. During those moments, you will just see my eyes fluttering during the 10th hour of sleep. Later, I will provide the interview/narrative where I explain what was going through my mind while my eyes were fluttering. Now that's must-see-tv!!!

Keep the emails coming! Love you guys!

Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S.
For more reader emails, you should read about the time my website was banned in China.

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