I wrongly assumed that I would be going to less weddings as I eased into my 30s. Wrong! I have four this year, which ties a previous high. Fortunately for me, my friends love getting married in convenient locations, like Villefranche, France and Positano, Italy. It's a short Southwest flight and Greyhound bus ride out of San Jose. Luckily, this year, all my weddings are domestic - with the exception of Maui - which kind of counts as international.
- Clothing - My friends Ryan and Nahal put together a pot-luck dinner that they deemed a "Cultural Pot-Luck," as you had to bring food based off your ethnic background. It was a great idea, as we had El Salvadorian, Persian, German, Chinese, Swedish, Russian, and Mexican food.... It was such much fun to prepare as couples. How cool would it be if everyone got dressed in the "formal" wear of their ethnic backgrounds?!!? It would be like a 'Pimps and Hoes' party, except much classier, and less gold teeth and fishnet stockings. Costume parties also make people less inhibited.
- Food - I would want the food experience to be a unique culinary explosion - filled with gourmet chefs flown in from around the world - like Pacific Beach, Mission Beach, and San Diego. All the top Carne Asada Fries chefs from Roberto's, Ramone's, and Cotixan's would come in for the most amazing night of food ever, followed by the most amazing bathroom night ever. Don't worry, extra Port-O-Potties would be brought in. For those that are vegetarian, you can get the fries a la carte, then afterwards you should jump off a bridge, because you are already missing out on life. In an alternate wedding scenario, I might have an intimate wedding with a 20 course tasting menu, paired with 20 different wines. Next taste on the menu would only be served after the glass of wine is finished.
- Location - Many people contemplate whether to have a destination wedding. On one hand, they think, 'maybe I can eliminate some people from coming if I have this wedding in Italy'.... WRONG! I went anyway! HAHAHAHHA. There is no destination on earth that is going to keep me from coming to collect my free food and beverage. If I'm getting that invite and have to give up a gift anyhow?, I will spend thousands of dollars just to make sure there is SOME return on investment!!!! As for my wedding, I want to have mine in a place where people can spend time together bonding. These will be my closest friends and I want us all to spend as many sober and non-sober moments together as possible. I worry an accessible wedding will mean that it will be one drunk-filled, hard-to-remember night, with early checkout from a hotel a real drag. Early candidates for my wedding venue - that no one's ever done - would be my high school gymnasium, so it could be like Senior Grad Night; or a Chinatown Dragon Parade Wedding in San Francisco, followed by a shootout amongst Triad gangsters.
- Booze - If I can't afford an open bar - God forbid - I will make sure that the parting gift is given out beforehand, because it will be a flask, filled with the cheapest vodka, whiskey, or tequila - your choice.
Welp, there you go. Leaving my wedding, one will be befuddled at the confluence of events that just took place. My goal is to leave you like it was a Cirque Du Soleil show - you can't really describe what just happened, but you know that it was something you've never seen and, frankly, AWESOME! Start kissing my butt now for an invite, because it will be the sh*t show of the century.
Hopefully, I will be walking down the aisle with someone other than myself.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor