The Decline of Facebook and How We Can Make it Great Again


I noticed this awhile ago, but I didn't want to say anything. I was hoping maybe that everyone was just in a funk. Or on a synchronized ovulation cycle. Now I realize what I know to be true: Facebook no longer amuses. Sure, it's good for the occasional late-night stalkfest of that girl you used to date and her new boyfriend, and her new boyfriend's friends, hoping that one of them has an open profile that'll allow you to see more of this new boyfriend so you can confirm that he's not that good-looking and plot new schemes to destroy him - but several hours later, you're right back at the same point, only drunker and only to find no one else has posted anything mildly entertaining on Facebook. Heck, I even have a hard time amusing myself on Facebook these days. And I say some pretty ridiculous sh*t.

Let's face it, there's only so many different types of humor, shock factors, and senses that we can arouse, and with the prevalence of social media, we are receiving it at far greater clips than ever in the history of time. Back in the period of cavemen (because I was there, of course), a caveman could go back from hunting all day and present his cavewoman with a flower he had found. What!?!? Shocking. This had never been done before! On another day, he could come back and tell her a 'knock knock' joke about why the dinosaur didn't eat him that day. And she would laugh, because she had never heard of that joke before! Now, we see it all. Instantaneously. It goes viral in the morning and is old by afternoon.

We've seen sarcasm, deadpan, crude, rude, situational, sweet, heartfelt, hysterical, witty, and everything else inbetween. Remember in the early days of Facebook!?? I practically introduced clever sarcastic comments to the masses. People were like, "whaaat!?!? Whoa, I get it. Sarcasm. Kevin is funny. I want to make love to him." Now everyone knows not to answer a direct comment with a direct straight answer. It's boring. I'm numb now to the Susan Boyle's and the Asian kid with the bowl haircut who sang Whitney's 'I Will Always Love You'. I've seen choreographed wedding dances to Chris Brown and Justin Bieber. I've see hundreds of inmates synchronized and in-step with Thriller. I've seen Andy Samberg videos about males orgasming in their pants and having sex with their friend's mothers. I've seen two girls and one cup. That should say it all.

One thing we haven't seen much of is honest inner monologue. My friend, Wes, recently sent me a link to something about this when I'd been thinking about it for months. But I stopped reading it once I realized that I didn't write it. Below are just some things I would've said on Facebook if I were being COMPLETELY honest. In a tribute to Jerry Maguire's manifesto, let's call this: "The Things We Think, But Do Not Say."

Facebook Status Updates:

"Taking my Mom to Cirque Du Soleil tonight. She's not on Facebook, so this is a self-serving post that hopefully will show the ladies that I'm a sensitive man and that sexual intercourse with me isn't such a bad idea."

"Working out at the gym hard tonight. I have to be able to fill out my tight white v-neck shirts, because, unfortunately, there's no smaller shirt sizes that I can purchase to give the illusion of large muscles."

"Can't wait for my trip to Europe. Again! Just wanted to rub it in that I have the financial means and freedom to do this and you don't. Also, let this be an example of what life with me could be like."

"I LOVE getting drunk. It helps me believe that I am the funniest person on earth and offers a valid excuse, or plausible deniability later, when I attempt to make-out with a 'girl friend'." 

"Going to Vegas this weekend where I will most likely hookup with the first sloppy girl who allows me to grind up all on her. And she will probably be a) a train wreck b) large c) hideous d) all of the above."

"I just farted at this restaurant while my date went to the bathroom. Oh sh*t!!! She's coming back and the smell is still lingering! Helpppp!!!"

Someone's Latest Uploaded Picture of Extravagance:

"Hey, I think it's great that your company went public. But the fact that you only show up on Facebook to post pics of fine alcohol you're drinking, hotel room views, new cars - and NEVER reciprocate interaction on other people's Facebook posts makes you a vile braggart."

"The hotel you stayed at in Hawaii is much nicer than the one I stayed in when I was there. You may have won, but you looked fat."

Someone's Vacation Picture Album:

"Cycling through all 128 pictures of your vacation was all worth it for that one bikini shot. Try to get someone to take a posterior pic next time though. I remember you having some good 'junk in the trunk' and I'd like to see it."

"Can you please post less pictures of buildings, because no one cares."

Check-In at Pho:

"Oh God. I want to drown my soup in Sriracha sauce, but my poop will burn my bunghole later. Dilemmas. Like Kelly Rowland."

Commenting on Someone's Baby Pictures:

"Your baby is the least cutest of those three babies pictured. Hopefully the law of averages takes over and they'll be a much better looking kid."

"If it makes you feel any better, I was an ugly baby and look at me now!"


Okay, before you think one of these baby comments is directed at your baby, just know that I seriously have 50 friends with babies. It could be anyone's baby!!! So back the HELL OFF!!!!! Like babies have to be so taboo and off-limits. It's like the Qur'an. Someone's going to put out a fatwa on me. No one really likes me anyway, so calm down.

In the meantime, let's be more honest on Facebook and make it interesting again. And let this be "open-season" on my Facebook status updates.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

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