8 Things That Guys Don't Tell Their Girlfriends
By The SVB • 5:34:00 AM • Cheat David Justice Elin Nordegren Facebook Halle Berry Masturbate Sandra Bernhard Shania Twain Sienna Miller Silence of the Lambs Silicon Valley Bachelor Sofia Vergara weight gain • Comments : 3
We all have our secrets. Not like the one where, after watching Silence of the Lambs, we came out of the shower, looked over our shoulder and then into the mirror and wedged our penis in-between our legs - which, amazingly, DOES look like a vagina! - those kinds of secrets should stay secrets forever. I'm talking about the secrets we don't tell our significant other, but lament openly about to our friends. Ladies, I'm sure you have plenty of your own secrets, but here are some things that guys don't tell you.
1. They Imagine Other Women While Having Sex With You.
My friend, Jessica, always says, "show me a hot girl and I'll show you a guy who's tired of f*cking her." That's when I gasp, and say, "you said a bad word." When I get over the initial shock of the "F" word, I realize she's pretty much right. How else can you explain any guy who would cheat on Siena Miller with a dumpy nanny, or Shania Twain with a Sandra Bernhard look-a-like, or Elin Nordegren with the latest plastic surgery success story. When it comes down to it, new ass is just a thrill that can't be replaced with same ass. It's not like guys grow up watching porn of just one woman their entire life. I'm not saying it's all the time, but ladies, you just have to know that sometimes guys are imagining that new intern in the office while bumping uglies with you. Or maybe Sofia Vergara was wearing an especially low-cut top in the latest episode of Modern Family. We're guys!!! After that thousandth time of intercourse with the same woman, we need that extra tingle anywhere it may come from. But you have to admit, Lois on The Family Guy, is one hot piece of cartoon ass.
2. We Hate Short Hair.
We will never tell you not to do it, but we desperately hope that you never try to experiment with short hair, because of how practical it is. Even Halle Berry lost major points for short hair. It's such a distraction in her movies. After looking at her cleavage, I always think, "I wonder if she'll ever grow her hair out again." And then I wonder what David Justice is up to these days... In the back of our minds, it's really like having sex with a guy. When we're raw-dogging it from behind (hahah, "raw-dogging"- so classy), the last thing we want to see is that faded crew-cut that reminds us of the male species. The only guy I like to envision is myself, as I admire my rippling pectorals in the mirror by the bed. Plus, the hair acts as a leash, so that we can guide you and make sure you don't stray too far.
3. We Don't Want You To Gain Weight.
When we say, "I'll love you no matter what you look like." - it's a lie. I've written about this before, but guys don't want their women to gain weight. That's why we take a good look at the mothers and try and figure out what's going to happen down the road. We don't want you being the next brand spokeswoman for cankle-hiding pantsuits. My friend, Ashley, commented in my last weight-gain article about the tactics her husband uses:
Tactic 1: Always enter the conversation under the guise of good health and spending time together: (Husband) "Ashley, lets get some good cardio in by going on a hike this weekend...'
Tactic 2: Slyly implant self-consciousness by inferring that other _women_ are going to judge you on how you look. This is key! The guy has to pretend that _he_ does not care, its how your _mom_, _sister_, _girlfriends_ are going to see you. (Me, sporting yoga pants that are stretched out and ripped at the bottom) (Husband, knowing full well that I'm planning on waring said yoga pants) 'Do you have enough time to get dressed before your lunch with Jenn?'
Tactic 3: Say whatever the f you want to say but pretend it's a joke: (Me) 'I think I'm going to cut my hair short, the baby pulls on it all the time.' (Husband) 'Great, the free fall into the mom-look begins. Ha ha just kidding! Yeah whatever you want to do.' (Me... still with long hair)
4. We Secretly Think At Least One of Your Friends is Smoking Hot.
Of course, we would never say this. In fact, we are overly aware of competition amongst girls and insecurities, and even with your prodding, "don't worry. I know she's hot. Don't you think so?!?!" Or the more subtle, "Wow, her butt looks REALLY good in that skirt!" Don't fall for it, fellas. Your typical answer should be, "Really? I didn't notice. She's like a sister to me, that would be gross to look at her butt." And don't think you can get away with the sneak-a-peak underneath your sunglasses. That's when your girl's secret sixth sense of looking out of the side of her head and underneath your glasses comes into play.
5. We Flirt With Other Girls.
Listen, it's not like we go home with them, but it's something that guys have grown accustomed to as a ritual for friendship and bonding. When having a guy's night, that may include a lot of sports, but it also includes some light, quasi-witty banter with attractive females. If you think about it, it's only fair. When having girl's nights, you can't tell me that you're not approached by guys and/or carry-on full conversations with them! It's not fair. Girls can still see their options, even have a guy buy them a drink, because it's typical in our society for guys to do the approaching. For those guys that are attached, if we stayed in a corner and just talked to ourselves, we'd be out of topics within an hour - Tim Tebow and Kobe Bryant can only do so much for our dialogue, which would go something like this.
Guy #1 - It's great that Kobe's getting a divorce. Now he can rape whomever he wants.
Guy #2 - F*ck you. I'll rape you, you little b*tch!
Guy #1 - FUCK YOU!!!
Guy #2 - So.... when are the wings getting here?
Guy #1 - I don't know. Hey, remember when Jessica Simpson thought that wings were made from Buffalo??!!
Guy #2 - What?!?! Shut the f*ck up.
Guy #1 - Hey, man, this is taking way too long. I'm going to go ask how much longer until we get our wings.
6. We Still Masturbate.
It's quick, efficient, and we can openly pretend we're having sex with someone else while watching the latest from YouPorn. Plus, we don't have to worry about foreplay and cuddling afterwards. Although, I love to cuddle afterwards. It makes me feel like less of a whore when he zips up his pants and throws $5 down on the bed and tells me to beat it.
7. We Stalk Our Exes on Facebook.
Even if we're much happier with you, we want to make sure our exes don't have a happier life than we do. Her new lover is flying her away to far-off locations!?!? B*tch. Let me post MY travel pics when I see that green light next to her name so she's SURE TO SEE HOW MUCH FUN I'M HAVING!!!! Your new lover is fairly muscular!?!? Fuck him!!! He's handsome too!?! SO WHAT!?! He's got a job!?!? Okay.... Fine. He wins. Stalking time is over and you're now hidden from my newsfeed forever!!!
8. We Get Drunk To Sexually Experiment.
So you're having a great time with a girl you just started dating - you've learned about each other, found out you were compatible, you like her, and you've already had sex. What happens next to take the relationship to a new sexual level is difficult to navigate. You don't want to call her a dirty name in the heat of the moment and have her stop and go, "did you just call me a dirty slut?!?!?" Or, you put your hands around her neck and gently choke her, and she becomes appalled and starts clawing and screaming for her life. See how things could get awkward very quickly? This is when you decide to go out and get MAJORLY wasted, so that you can try out those moves that get you off, but won't make you seem like a total perve. If she freaks, the next morning all you have to say is, "whoa, what happened last night? I got so wasted. I barely remember anything." If she liked it, heck, even took it to another level? You're golden!
Well, ladies, these are just some of the secrets we keep from you. This revealing of time-honored male secrets is sure to have my Man Card revoked... and possibly a bounty put on my head. Salman Rushdie ended up with Padma Lakshmi at one point, I should be okay, right? Anyhow, use these secrets to start an epic argument with your lover. Have fun!
The Silicon Valley Bachelor
You can email me at SVBachelor@gmail.com.