Party Starter Kit - Things I Wish I Knew Then

I was going to title this piece, "How to be the Life of the Party", but then thought "I am more often the LIABILITY of the party." Take for instance last weekend, I blacked out in record-breaking time. After drinking straight vodka - no ice, no chaser - then shots ranging from tequila to lemon drops, I blacked out in 1.5 hours and spent most of the night resting my head in some bushes. It was phenomenal that I didn't wake up in jail, in a pool of vomit, or with a tree branch in my butthole.

Having now partied at the same parties for the last 11 years - which is in no way pathetic or sad - I have learned quite a few things about doing things the "right" way. Not classy, but right. Here are things you should do and know now, if you're an 18 year old and want to be the king of the party world.

- Get a Flask - Don't hold out. Go buy yourself a good one. That one $20 flask will save you THOUSANDS of dollars. Or in my case, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of dollars. Sure, you can pre-drink, or buy $10 lychee martinis at swanky events, but nothing tastes as good as warm whiskey that's been passed around amongst your friends - all swigging from the same tiny spout. Germs was a myth invented by doctors to get your money. Don't worry.

- Buy Yourself a Nice Tux or Suit - If I had known how in-demand I was going to be for high school/college formals, weddings, New Year's festivities, and court appearances,  I would've bought a tailored suit/tuxedo instead of plopping down $100 for each dance. If you're not as good-looking as me (which, let's face it, you're not), you should still buy yourself a nice tux, or a suit at the very least. Splurge. You won't regret this one. A suit is important. It makes you feel like a better person, even after you spent the afternoon watching that poor bukkake victim on that live webcam.

There's nothing quite like having a suit tailored for your body - like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking. 

- Invest in an Afro - You're going to get invited to all sorts of theme parties, and there's a good chance it'll be a 70s party. As part of this to-do list, you should also go ahead and buy a sweet 70s disco shirt and bell-bottom pants. They will get good usage. My 70s pants are so tight at the top, they show the outline of my penis. Score! Unless it's a cold day, then I'm f*ckin screwed. That's when I go to the bathroom and give myself a good ol member tug. It's like stretching.

Guy on the left is much cooler...

- Be Aggressive - I don't think I have ever gotten the girl from standing by the wall holding a beer and bobbing my head, because I'm "too cool" to dance. You've got to make the move. Initiate contact. Pour alcohol down her throat. Shove your tongue into her mouth before she has any idea what's going on. If she backs away, pour more alcohol down her throat. If she still backs away, move on to another girl before the night is lost! This will help figure out who the quality girls are that you want to bring home to mother, and who are the prudes.

- Confidence is King - No matter what I do, I'm confident. Even if I'm telling you how humble I am, I'm confident. "I'm a humble mother-f*cker! Bitch." No matter what you wear - skinny jeans, Sean John, Ed Hardy, Hello Kitty - wear it with confidence. Your actions, your mannerisms, the way you talk - all of it is accentuated with confidence. When you pursue a girl, be sure of yourself. When you dance on the dance floor, have fun with confidence, and don't think about how you look. It shows. When I make sweet, sweet love to some lucky, drunk girl each night, I confidently tell her how she should be wearing that dildo and how I like it.

- Economy-Size Condoms - I know condoms seem like they're really expensive. $10 for a 12-pack of Trojans!?!? WTF? Go to Costco and buy a thousand. It seems like a lot, but you will get around to using them. Trust me. In fact, if you're in college, this is a little-known fact, but you can actually go to the campus health center and pick up condoms for free. No questions asked. Even if you're out of college, Planned Parenthood gives away condoms. Of course, they don't have several flavors, those ribbed ones you like, or the glow-in-the-dark version, but they're free! My favorite flavor is banana, because it's a double entendre! I giggle at my own cleverness when railing away. I am easily amused. 

- Appreciate Pop Music - I know this may be hard to fathom, but whimsical, spur-of-the-moment, ditzy girls like.... no, LOVE pop music. You may get laid listening to your death metal, underground rap battles, or reggae funk, but you also stand a good chance of killing the camaraderie you've built up, or the entire mood altogether! Listen to Chris Brown, Usher, NeYo, Jason Derulo, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj... nothing shakes women's butts more than pop artists. And when they see you singing along to Jason Derulo, they will think they've found their soul mate. It wouldn't hurt to learn the Enrique seduction technique either... 

- Ping-Pong Table - Get a good one, because your stupid drunk friends are probably going to sit on it at some point and then you'll have a collapsed, unbalanced Ping-Pong table. While you will rarely play Ping-Pong on it, you will be the "cool" person who has a beer pong table that doubles for flip-cup tournaments. Your house will also be the one used for pre and post-parties - meaning all the drunkest girls will be at your house each night. Have your way with them now, because if they're playing beer pong with you, they're going to be fat one day. Skinny girls don't play beer pong, just like happy people don't kill their husbands. 

Well, these are investments you should make now for your own personal partying future. It'll save you money, time, and guarantee the contraction of an STD by the time you're 20.

Good luck!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor