Having now partied at the same parties for the last 11 years - which is in no way pathetic or sad - I have learned quite a few things about doing things the "right" way. Not classy, but right. Here are things you should do and know now, if you're an 18 year old and want to be the king of the party world.
- Get a Flask - Don't hold out. Go buy yourself a good one. That one $20 flask will save you THOUSANDS of dollars. Or in my case, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of dollars. Sure, you can pre-drink, or buy $10 lychee martinis at swanky events, but nothing tastes as good as warm whiskey that's been passed around amongst your friends - all swigging from the same tiny spout. Germs was a myth invented by doctors to get your money. Don't worry.
- Buy Yourself a Nice Tux or Suit - If I had known how in-demand I was going to be for high school/college formals, weddings, New Year's festivities, and court appearances, I would've bought a tailored suit/tuxedo instead of plopping down $100 for each dance. If you're not as good-looking as me (which, let's face it, you're not), you should still buy yourself a nice tux, or a suit at the very least. Splurge. You won't regret this one. A suit is important. It makes you feel like a better person, even after you spent the afternoon watching that poor bukkake victim on that live webcam.
|There's nothing quite like having a suit tailored for your body - like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking.|
|Guy on the left is much cooler...|
- Confidence is King - No matter what I do, I'm confident. Even if I'm telling you how humble I am, I'm confident. "I'm a humble mother-f*cker! Bitch." No matter what you wear - skinny jeans, Sean John, Ed Hardy, Hello Kitty - wear it with confidence. Your actions, your mannerisms, the way you talk - all of it is accentuated with confidence. When you pursue a girl, be sure of yourself. When you dance on the dance floor, have fun with confidence, and don't think about how you look. It shows. When I make sweet, sweet love to some lucky, drunk girl each night, I confidently tell her how she should be wearing that dildo and how I like it.
- Economy-Size Condoms - I know condoms seem like they're really expensive. $10 for a 12-pack of Trojans!?!? WTF? Go to Costco and buy a thousand. It seems like a lot, but you will get around to using them. Trust me. In fact, if you're in college, this is a little-known fact, but you can actually go to the campus health center and pick up condoms for free. No questions asked. Even if you're out of college, Planned Parenthood gives away condoms. Of course, they don't have several flavors, those ribbed ones you like, or the glow-in-the-dark version, but they're free! My favorite flavor is banana, because it's a double entendre! I giggle at my own cleverness when railing away. I am easily amused.
- Appreciate Pop Music - I know this may be hard to fathom, but whimsical, spur-of-the-moment, ditzy girls like.... no, LOVE pop music. You may get laid listening to your death metal, underground rap battles, or reggae funk, but you also stand a good chance of killing the camaraderie you've built up, or the entire mood altogether! Listen to Chris Brown, Usher, NeYo, Jason Derulo, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj... nothing shakes women's butts more than pop artists. And when they see you singing along to Jason Derulo, they will think they've found their soul mate. It wouldn't hurt to learn the Enrique seduction technique either...
- Ping-Pong Table - Get a good one, because your stupid drunk friends are probably going to sit on it at some point and then you'll have a collapsed, unbalanced Ping-Pong table. While you will rarely play Ping-Pong on it, you will be the "cool" person who has a beer pong table that doubles for flip-cup tournaments. Your house will also be the one used for pre and post-parties - meaning all the drunkest girls will be at your house each night. Have your way with them now, because if they're playing beer pong with you, they're going to be fat one day. Skinny girls don't play beer pong, just like happy people don't kill their husbands.
Well, these are investments you should make now for your own personal partying future. It'll save you money, time, and guarantee the contraction of an STD by the time you're 20.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor