Guest Post: The Vacation Relationship Gauge

SVB Foreword:

It's been awhile since I've had a guest writer - just too many good article ideas going through this noggin of mine - thoughts like, 'I wonder how long I can pee for and whether anyone would want to see this on YouTube?', 'do earwax and boogers come from the same place?', and 'what's bark made out of on a tree?'.  Alas, those posts will have to wait for the future. It's time for some Saaara from TheBlowOff.com, which, I've said before, is the only site I read, besides TechCrunch, TMZ, and YouPorn. What?!!? I have to read the titles and synopses of the videos before pressing play! Don't Judge. Words like Dirty Sanchez and Pearl Necklace often times have nothing to do with latinos or jewelry. Lesson learned. Again. Again. And again.

By Saaara

I'm heading to Columbus, Ohio this week with my hussyband to spend an early Thanksgiving with his family. (I mean, our family!) The two of us travel pretty well together. We both prefer to get tipsy before a flight. He likes window seats, I like aisle seats. We probably exchange like three words on the airplane, because he's too busy sleeping, and I'm too busy listening to sad break up music on my Ipod and trying to decide Who Wore it Best in Us Weekly.

Learning if you travel well with a person can be a make it or break it stage in a relationship. I know more than a few people who've actually broken up with their girlfriend or boyfriend WHILE on vacation, including the dude I'm married to. Something about hotel rooms and jacuzzi tubs and exotic locations really makes you wonder if you could spend the rest of your life with a person. What if they want to get up early and hit the hotel gym and you want to sleep 'til noon? What if they have an entire itinerary planned for the day, when you kind of want to lay poolside and catch up on back issues of Us Weekly? What if they don't understand that staying in a hotel should mean having sex more than usual and taking showers together?

So, if you're nine months into a relationship with someone, consider planning a vacation together. (If you don't want to get dumped, I highly recommend waiting past the six month mark, because we all know that's when we're all contemplating whether or not we should cut bait.) Here are a few red flags you should look out for. Does the person embrace other cultures or is every other word out of their mouth "ewww." "it smells here." "I want a cheeseburger." Are they psycho sight see-ers, like the wear a fanny pack and live for audio tours type? Do they think being on vacation means a vacation from having sex with you? Do they insist on wearing platform heels at say, the Coliseum in Rome? Do they decide to get their hair braided and get a fake tribal tattoo on their lower back? If any of the above occurs while you're on vacay with a sig-oth, then it might be time to cut them loose and bed a hot local.

Hopefully, the opposite will happen, and you will discover that you like to do all the same things on vacation. Like video-tape yourselves doing a fake newscast using a pineapple as your microphone.

 

Isn't Saaara and her "hussyband" cute? They are the type of people I want to be friends with. Like, trapped on an island with no other people around except pineapples, type friends. Although, it seems like they have no need. They obviously spend hours upon hours with only themselves to entertain each other. Damn them. 

KL

P.S. On another note, here's my second article for Orlando's Register Magazine on page 15, which is now most-likely being used by the homeless as a bedsheet for the bus stop bench and/or toilet paper. That article has nothing to do with the post at hand, but this is my blog, so I can do whatever the f*ck I want. If I want to shamelessly come up with new ways to promote my awesomeness through indiscretion and smoke and mirrors, so be it!

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4 comments :

  1. Who do you think is the ultimate bachelor? Something to think about on a future post. Cheers

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  2. the sad thing is, there were like three pineapple fake weather report videos. This one was #2. Thanks for giving me a guest post spot! You can hang out with us any time. I'm sure you and Bry could trade dating war stories.

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  3. Of course! The pleasure is all mine! You guys really are cute though, and I think the weather actually turned out to be pretty cool memories for you two.

    As for Bry, can he really handle being source material for TWO blogs!?!? Can't wait to hang out!

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