Real-World Pet Peeves That Make Me Want to Slap You, Part 2

I am a largely optimistic, positive person, but that 1% of the time that I am not smiling and trying to get in your pants, I am annoyed. I've already written about how I disapprove of people who ask me to help them move and, of course, Bella and Edward's pending union, now here is the completion of my list:

- Slow Drivers in the Fast Lane - Do they NOT teach people in driver's ed that you should move out of the fast (left-side) lane if a car approaches behind you that's driving faster? Actually, it's a serious question. Like most classroom environments, I failed to listen as I drew pictures of unicorns on my Trapper Keeper all day long. So, do they? They should start the beginning of that course with, "before you put on your seat belt, remember, fast lane drivers are for the FAST drivers. If someone comes up behind you, move your fat asses out of the way." If I had boatloads of money, I would put out public service announcements brought to you by "The More You Know" - I'm not saying who are the culprits, but the PSAs would only be made in Spanish, Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, and Korean (which is crazy, because if you've ever been to those countries, they are best, craziest drivers I have EVER seen in my life). 

I can't begin to tell you how many dirty looks I shoot out while passing by drivers on the freeway - unless the person is elderly... or big and black - then I smile and wave politely, speeding off and constantly checking my rearview mirror. 

- Straight Jigger Pours - If a bartender pours out my drink, measured directly from a jigger with no extra top-off, they have automatically guaranteed that I will not return to that establishment. Have you ever tried to drink a drink that's 1/10 alcohol? It's worse than drinking Pepto-Bismol on a hot day when thirsty! What? There was nothing else around.

Sure, some places have strict regulations, but if no one's around, just top that bad boy off. It's not your booze. The glass is already filled with minimal sizes of ice to cut down on the empty space in the cup - don't think I don't know these tricks - and now you want us to endure an entire drink of soda water, lightly spritzed with vodka!?! Ugh! I want to just reach across the bar sometimes and squeeze tightly around the bartender's neck until red veins pop out all over his/her head and neck, and watch as the last gasp of air comes struggling through in a gurgle as their eyes roll to the back of their head.

I watch a lot of Dexter.

What's funny is that this could actually be used against me by a DA one day:

"Well, members of the court, the defendant has already documented his 'intent' - this was NOT involuntary manslaughter, as the defense would have you believe."

And then my defense would start like this, "Da two yutes...."

I watch a lot of My Cousin Vinny.

- Misleading Shot Glasses - Okay, so most of my annoyances center around alcohol consumption -yeah, so? Yeah SO!??! So I want to go someplace where I know somebody that can plug me into the social pipeline! And I want to do it drunk! I HATE those shot glasses that are all misleading, because they look so big, but then you take your shot and see that it's all glass! The nerve! It's like looking into a pair of coke bottle eye glasses. Do they think we're idiots?!!?

I want to take shots that are so big, you gag halfway through the shot. You know what I'm talking about. The one where you take half of it down your throat, but then leave the other half in the mouth, because you know you are going to projectile vomit all over the hot girl you're trying to look cool in front of... Then you pretend the shot already went down by sucking in your cheeks and turning away as she puts her glass on the counter, exhaling deeply through your nose, before using your last remaining pocket of air to suck in the remaining bits of Jagermeister - wiping the tears away from your eyes, then turning back to face the girl who just got ten times hotter in a matter of seconds.

That's the type of shot glasses I like. Bitch. 

- Women Who Ask You If You Remember What Their Name Is - NO, I don't remember what your stupid name is! Can't you see that I'm barely standing up straight? I've got a news flash for you, Walter Cronkite, if I just had the guts to shove my tongue down your throat, I'm barely hanging on. And you're probably the fifth girl I've asked for a name, while feigning interest, and the first who allowed me to shove my tongue into your mouth. So, please, don't act like anything tangible will result from this encounter as if  there will be a future for two people who met at a club and decided to swap spit within minutes of deep-grinding to Jason Derulo. To make matters worse, I always smile goofily, and ask back: "do you remember my name?!?!" Which they always do. Damn you!

- Guys Who Want to Fight at the Bar/Nightclub - What the hell is wrong with you? Everybody is out having a good time, getting drunk, dancing, hitting on girls, laughing - and then you have this OTHER group. These are typically the guys who are meat-heads, can't dance, probably do not have a college education, spend most of their time playing Halo, hate their lives, and have been watching guys who can dance dance with girls all night, who they think they are better than. Since they have no game and can't exert any energy on women or dancing, they tend to get bitter at the entire situation and want to fight the first person who steps on their Pumas. How dare these people ruin our good times by wanting to fight!?!? I JUST WANT TO BEAT THE SH*T OUT OF THESE PEOPLE!

Full disclosure: I have been in seven fights in my life. Fourth Grade - Won. Fifth Grade - Lost (She was one of the biggest girls you have seen. No joke. You can read about that one here.) 28 yo in Hong Kong - Won. 29 yo in Brazil - Won. And the last three happened in the last two months!!! Won in Rome and won in Dubrovnik. Lost this last weekend in Los Gatos. It's kind of crazy, but people are so willing to talk trash to me lately! Especially in foreign countries! Just because I often-times wear white jeans, pink dress shirts, and New Kids on the Block jackets, doesn't mean that I'm not tough!!! Don't start talking smack to me, because I WILL regulate on your asses! I've got a 5 and 2 lifetime record! I'm not just some geek off the street. Now you know.


Let's just say I'm handy with the steel, if you know what I mean, earned my keep. Did people not hear Hangin Tough? That song should've solidified street cred for The New Kids and me when I wear my jacket, much like the song It's Gonna Be Me did for N'Sync.

Anyhow, stop fighting, don't ask names, get drunk, and drive fast. That's what I'm trying to get at here. That's a formula for a good time. Or death, if followed in order.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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2 comments :

  1. a) You're not that tough
    b) I think the guy that beat you up the other day was one of those big black guys that was driving slowly in the fast lane.

    ReplyDelete
  2. If only I had tough-looking friends, they could ensure the reduction of fights by virtue of numbers. Guys who look like NWA as opposed to guys from Color Me Badd.

    ReplyDelete

 
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