Top 11 Party Destinations/Cities in the World

Anybody who knows me, knows that I like a good party. And that I like my food cut up for me into bite-size pieces. And boneless buffalo wings - made from real buffalo. And blowjobs. Don't forget that one. Whilst in Europe, I did some research on top party destinations in Europe. Here's what one list said:

10. Amsterdam
9. Budapest
8. Mykonos
7. Munich
6. Riga
5. Prague
4. Istanbul
3. Barcelona
2. Berlin
1. Ibiza

I've been to seven of those cities - minus Munich, Riga, and Istanbul. But that got me thinking, I've partied with reckless abandon and forgotten more memories in five continents than most people retain in a lifetime. And since I never waste any time on museums, architecture, religion, or history, I figure that I should come up with my own list of top WORLD party destinations (I've been to) and explain the logic behind my rankings.

All the lists I found were vague and highly arbitrary. For instance if I was going for the most ridiculous, all-out party cities, where you wake up and people are getting drunk, the countdown of my list might look like this:

5. Phi Phi Island, Thailand
4. Mykonos, Greece
3. Cancun, Mexico
2. Ibiza, Spain
1. Las Vegas, Nevada

Or if I was picking places based off of culture, style, and sexiness, the list might look like this:

5. Miami, Florida
4. Rio De Janeiro, Brazil
3. New York, New York
2. Hong Kong, China
1. Buenos Aires, Argentina

Or, if I were to give a weighted ranking - cities enhanced by an event - I might go with:

5. Columbus, Ohio - Buckeyes Tailgate
4. New Orleans, Louisiana - Mardi Gras
3. Vancouver, Canada - Canada vs. USA, Winter Olympics Hockey Gold Medal Game
2. Barcelona, Spain - Spain vs. Netherlands, 2010 World Cup Soccer Championship Match
1. Pamplona, Spain - Running of the Bulls

But instead, I will go with my favorite party cities based off of a complex algorithm calculating frontal lobe stimulation, loose morals, and penile arousal. Since most lists have a magic number of 10, I shall go with 11. Just like with six-minute abs, I like to live dangerously!

11. San Diego - As the city where I went to college, my heart will always hold a special place for San Diego. Discovered by the Germans in 1904, it has since attracted America's dumbest, free-spirited guys and girls. High school girls who did poorly in school and relied on their looks all the way to homecoming queens, flock annually to San Diego to pursue a lucrative job as a server, bartender, or San Diego Charger cheerleader. The best part of San Diego is that if you want to go out in your flip-flops and tank top, Pacific Beach is a wicked good time. And if you want to dress up for some high-class sophistication, the Gaslamp is filled with mini-skirts and 2.0 GPA-minds.

10. Cairns, Australia - In terms of name recognition or even people who might agree with me, this pick is controversial. For me, it has to do with the fact that by day, you can go snorkeling/scuba diving at The Great Barrier Reef, or take a day-tour of amazing waterfalls, or skydive, and then always come back to a small town filled with backpacking tourists from Sweden, Germany, Canada, Ireland, and other parts of Australia, who are ALL ready to party it up. And if you've read any of my previous posts, you know that tourists are always the ones who are the most promiscuous.

9. Hvar, Croatia - I like places that give me a culture-shock. I think being in the States you get a crash course in cultures from all over the world, but it's becoming increasingly hard to find a culture that I know very little about. That's why I love shows like No Reservations or Three Sheets (back before it was canceled - those SOBs!!!!!). Hvar is an island just south of Split and combines old world charm with new world amenities and night life. Bars and clubs surround the port area, similar to St. Tropez, but less snooty. Tourists from Australia, Brazil, UK, and Nordic countries can be found sunbathing topless, while a creepy Californian can be found nearby hiding in some tree branches with a pair of binoculars.

8. Montreal - Besides Montreal adopting a bit of the French arrogance, I thought the party scene was fresh. Yes, I brought that word back from 1989. I love my Canadian women. They are pretty and sweet. My buddy who sells pub crawls in Rome, and hooks up with tourists prolifically, says that Canadians rank at the top of the "easiest" list next to Swedes. This is a great trait to be know for and something I'm sure all Canadian women are proud of. I, of course, don't condone his premarital behavior. I find it lewd and disgusting. Montreal was the site of the Olympics in 1976 and also the site of where I had two girls who were positively 7s (or higher) fighting over my affection. Which event ranks higher in the minds of people everywhere?!? I think we all know the answer to that one... 

7. New York - Any place where the predominant mode of transportation is taxi is a good thing. I've, of course, also written about this before, but taxis allow EVERYONE to get sh*t-can wasted and NOT have to deal with the sober driver who will cock-block your honest, well-intentioned "night-cap" all the way until you want to punch her in her face. Of course, don't do this, instead go and eat massive amounts of late night food until you burp and slightly vomit in your mouth at the same time. I hate it when that happens. NYC is a great party city. Their bars and clubs stay open later and the women are sleek and smart at the same time! Heck, they need a sexual one-night stand just as much as you. Any woman in New York will tell you there is a shortage of guys in the city, meaning they'll lower their standards to the point where you might have a chance!

6. Budapest - I didn't really know what to expect when arriving in Budapest. And sometimes that's the best way to do a country. It's like watching a movie without seeing the preview that shows you what to expect. Or reading a book without reading the back cover. Or having sex with someone in the dark. I was a blank slate, which is how my brain normally begins each day. I found Budapest to be really inexpensive, unpretentious, and lacking in testosterone and ego. At no point did I come across guys who were walking around with their chests puffed out looking for a fight because they can't dance and were having no luck with the women. People were humble and modest, and the women were approachable, friendly, and interesting.

5. Rio De Janeiro - Maybe the country with the sexiest women - not hottest - but sexiest. You just can't find another country boasting such amazing curves and attitude. There is not posturing going on here. This is not a country who believes they are inferior to anyone. Me: "I'm from the U.S." Girl: "So what, bitch?!?" ("I can count too. One. Two. Fo. Five. Countin' these rocks, bee-auch!") Me: "Thanks. Good talk. See you out there." This is a country that speaks to the language of the hips. And as a phenomenal dancer, I owned the night. Even though I knew very little Portuguese, I was like John Travolta in Grease Lightning... burning up the midnight oil. Sometimes my dancing would get too sexy and I would draw the scorn of jealous Brazilians and I would curse myself in inner monologue, "Damnit, why'd I have to go showing off like that!? Stupid. My taxes aren't exactly in line."

4. Hong Kong - It might be because of the heavy shopping and fashion culture, or the fact it was a U.K. colony until 1999, or the fact that hot people bred outside of Gov't constraints, but Hong Kong had some of the most attractive women I have seen - tall, thin, and (surprisingly) curvy. It wasn't just Asian women, but b-level models from Russia and other Eastern bloc countries. The city has an international appeal, with people from all around the globe. Heck, it was easier to get around with English than it was with Mandarin. (Cantonese is the dominant language.) I don't know if there are any other areas to party, but you don't need to go anyplace else besides the Lan Kwai Fong district for bars and clubs.

3. Buenos Aires - Buenos Aires is a sexy city. The women have attitude, style, and more humble curves than most latin women. The city has a European feel and flavor, embodying the American-overlooked tradition of siestas and taking time to enjoy one another's company. I have never been a fan of America's dominant 2am closing times. It forces people to rush, binge drink, and become sloppy. I loved being in BA, where people gathered to drink, talk, laugh, and then head to the clubs around 1am. There was never any rush. And no need for gag-inducing shots when you can drink all night... and morning.

2. Ibiza - As much as I claim to be a true sophisticated cultural being, this is the best place to see free, amazing boobies (in person!), giggle like a school girl upon seeing them, and secretly take pictures of the "ocean" in a pathetic attempt to capture the boobies for later pleasure. This is where Europe's hottest congregate, where they don't allow poor, fat Americans (unlike Vegas). I don't know if this is where Ecstasy was invented, but I have never been to a club where the bar area was so empty and people were still dancing out of their minds. I was baffled at first as to why there were more masseuses than cocktail waitresses, but then it hit me.

1. Las Vegas - It's called Sin City for a reason. People full-on expect to drink to their body's maximum allowable capacity... and THEN SOME. If you don't live in the United States, advertisements openly market the place as a place where you do things you wouldn't do anywhere else. That later regret COULD be you! There is perhaps no other place where it is easier to get laid. Not that I have ever gotten laid, but I have seen numerous people head out of the club with their latest one-night stand from my vantage point at the bar wearing my gold chain, fake glued-on chest hair, and repeated Binaca-spraying mouth refreshings. This tactic has not worked yet, but I've only been to Vegas 20 to 40 times. I'm due.

Well, folks, I'm a simple man. Some would say close to neanderthal - but I enjoy my libations, I enjoy life, and I enjoy the surprises along the way. While you may not be able to travel to far-off destinations, even if you're traveling to Sioux Falls, South Dakota for the first time, take a moment to enjoy the company you're with and savour not knowing what's around the next corner.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

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1 comment :

  1. Wait a minute, where's Brazil? How can the home of the biggest party in existence - carnival - not be on that list?

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