14. If you start or end any post that goes like this, "Most of you won't post this..." Shut the HELL UP already! I hate when that posts ends in something like, ".... but most of my good friends will." You might as well end it with, "... but the people who have a heart will." Essentially those people are trying to guilt-trip you into posting something. I'm not saying it's not for a good cause, but I don't like being strong-armed into it. Remember when chain letters in the 5th grade ended in, "if you don't send this to ten friends, you will have bad luck for seven years." Now things are a little more subtle: "Most of you won't post this, but if you've ever had a friend who had cancer, lost someone special, care about our soldiers who have lost their lives, then you will repost this for an hour." Ugh, I just want to beat you up. Just post your inspirational message for the day and leave out the "please repost" part. Dick.
15. I hate people who post status updates, but don't respond to direct questions or references from their commenters. I know you see them. Because you post a status update every few hours!!! You think you're so clever, but you just seem narcissistic when you don't respond to people's clever comebacks. Sure, my comments may be on the lewd and tasteless side - and bordering on stalker/creepy - but I DESERVE A RESPONSE!!!!
Status Update: "Today I'm reporting on a wild fire in Chico, I'm so thrilled to get ash and soot in my hair."
Kevin L - "Hey, saw you on air. Was that the Anne Klein Spring Collection 2009 suit you were wearing? Looked good! Anyhow, I was thinking maybe we should get together sometime. Maybe get an Orange Mocha Frappuccino and drink it on my faux bear skin rug in front of my fire place (also faux). Let me know. I'm naked."
16. And, of course, you remember my fondness for Duck Lips... There is definitely nothing wrong with you posting 80 pictures from Vegas at the same daytime beach club, but there is if you are featured in ALL 80 of the pics with nothing new in the background and 75 of the pics have you and your stupid duck lips pose. You look like a real douchette. I just can't take anyone who poses like that seriously. If I were an employer, and I saw a pic of you with duck lips, I would automatically not hire you. (Then again, if I were an employer, the world would have a lot greater problems.) Typically, those girls stay single well into their 30s because they are dating douchebags. Clueless.
17. Finally, people who use Facebook to write sweet nothings to their loved ones. ON THEIR WALLS. Folks, this shows up to ALL your mutual friends and then some. Just like most of your friends don't like seeing you rubbing your noses against each other's making baby noises, we equally find it appalling that you chose the most public of forums to express stupid pet names and how much you can't wait to see the other in 5 minutes, when you return home. Try a text message. Phone call. Or flowers. (Which I'm sure you will post on Facebook for all to see - because your relationship is more about what others think.) Okay, maybe this is slightly mean, but I attribute this to Wes H. - he's got my back! Plus, people who send flowers just make me look bad.... Why can't people write things like, "my boyfriend didn't move from the couch today. He ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner while watching cartoons all day." THEN, I would stand a chance. Dicks.
Well, I hope you have enjoyed this latest offering of "Things that make me want to punch you in your face." (You should be grateful, Bryce wants to KILL you.) For the next installment, I shall name my annoyances outside of Facebook, but the thought of leaving the virtual world scares me. You can find my avatar on Second Life, where I am engaged in a relationship with the hottest avatar you have EVER seen... who is most likely a dude in real life. Oh well. Ignorance is bliss!
The Silicon Valley Bachelor