How Do You Give a Great Blowjob? The How-To by a Blowjob Instructor

SVB Foreword: 

Unlike my guest writers, I choose to semi-bleep out my curse words. I will be going to heaven, unlike those sinners. (You've be warned about the following post and its graphic material.) I'd now like to introduce you to one of the funniest people I know - second only to myself. She once had a promising future at an institution of higher learning, but then met me in high school and was relegated to San Diego State University - home of Marshall Faulk and a drug-ring involving hundreds of students. 


By Sasha Rene

So… I was asked by my dear friend K. Leu to guest write on his bachelor blog on how to give a proper blowjob. How flattering! He must still be thinking about that afternoon back in ’96 when I first swallowed his warm Clorox – I must have been his best! OR, I guess it could be because I own Blow by Blow, a blowjob workshop-party business that gives ladies hands-on instructional blowjob lessons. Well, either way I’ll maintain it’s the former.

The thing about blowjobs is most women just don’t understand how incredibly important they are to men. I like to explain it like this; blowjobs are to men as romance is to women. You need it to keep a relationship alive! I could be completely wrong in that analogy to some of you, but basically, the bottom line is men just need you to suck their dick. Soooo, ladies, it’s up to you to do it to keep your man happy!

Even as an instructor I can honestly say giving head is not my favorite pastime; I prefer to eat or sleep (now can you see why Kev and I were high school lovers). However, I have always wanted the guy I was dating – or the guy I was with just for that evening – to be happy and to have a good time, so I’ve always had cock sucking on the menu. So even though you don’t love it, it should be understood you are going to do it because, a) it’s a good idea to keep your man satisfied and b) it’s important to be a contributor in the bedroom – NO ONE likes a selfish bitch. [smiley face]

Blowjob Theory

I. Enthusiasm
So why haven’t we talked about sucking it yet? Because, you horny men, there is a lot of blowjob theory to be learned before a woman even puts her mouth on it that can help her give a much better blow job than she is already giving. To start, in my opinion one of the most important parts of giving a blowjob is enthusiasm. Ladies, imagine if you were to ask your dude, “will you go down on me?” and he replies with “uhhggg! tonight?? Pshhh, fine!” How fucking special would you feel? Not very special and not very sexy at all, right? So don’t fucking do that to them! You KNOW you have! If you show absolutely no enthusiasm, your blowjob is already lacking.

II. Initiating
But how can you get excited about putting his junk down your throat? Well, my advice is to simply control the situation by initiating it. Do it on your own terms at the right time for you. For example, wait until he’s out of the shower so you don’t have to stress about his ball funk, and just attack him! I promise you this is going to be a win-win. 1) you’re getting clean twig and berries, 2) he’s going to be stoked he didn’t have to ask for it AND you’re acting like you into it/him, 3) you won’t be pissed because he didn’t ask you, again, to give him a blowjob at a bad time. However, this initiating the blowjob tip only will work if… YOU INITATE THE BLOWJOB. That means you actually need to step up and give him a blowjob before he asks for one again.

III. Be Vocal
And just one more really important part of cock sucking before I lay down the skills. Being vocal is so important!
Chicas, you must be able to tell a guy straight up what you are thinking – hints don’t really work with anyone. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you hate, just mind your bitchy tone. And guys, you need to tell us what’s on your mind too. Here are some things that may not be being said or what you may not be gathering from your lover’s kind hints:

a.) You’re Taking Waaaay Too Long
Guys, I know you may be trying to savor the wonderful warm suction feeling, but you are really hindering the possibility of getting more blowjobs. The number one complaint I hear from girls at my parties is it takes too long and jaws start to hurt. Yes, guys it’s possible they could be screwing things up themselves by breaking rhythm or saying something stupid, however, you know you are guilty of trying to keep yourself from blowing your load because you’re savoring it. Well, know this: the longer you take the more your lady hates it and the likeliness of you getting another BJ anytime soon goes down. If you are quick – and I’m talking in the ballpark of 5 minutes – you could help boost her BJ self esteem and have her leaving your junk thinking, “well that wasn’t so bad.” We’re serious dudes! During a blowjob is not the right time to be showing off your stamina. So speed it up! She’ll be more willing to come back for more. Just try it man!

b.) Skull Fucking Isn’t Cool
As cool as it sounds and as cool as it feels, it really does feel like you are fucking our skull. Awesome for you, gag-fest for us. Just limit the skull fucking to the nights where you guys are getting down hardcore, like when she’s piss drunk and won’t remember anyway. So ladies, the best way to avoid this is to give a blowjob with your guy lying on his back. This will limit his thrusting for the most part, but it’s still up to you ladies to put them in check when their Elvis hips take off. And guys, be kind too! That includes your hands on the back of our dome thrusting our heads. Be gentle.

c.) What the Fuck do you Want
This should definitely be talked about – what the fuck do you want? Neither of us are mind readers! Guys, if there is something we are doing wrong or you want more of, tell us… nicely. If you want a finger up your ass, tell us. If you want us to suck you super hard because you have no feeling in your dick, say that too. If it bothers you that she keeps asking, “am I doing it right,” tell her. If you want him to hurry up, tell him, “two minute warning.” You can tell each other anything as long as you mind your tone. 

Ok, Ok – now that we’ve got some theory down, let’s get to some cock sucking. Ladies, these tips are for you, so start taking notes.

How to Give Head
To suck a good dick you’ve got to start with a nice wet, wet mouth. If you’re like a pothead with cotton mouth, consider using the cool glass of ice water trick. When you drink a bit it will make your palate wet and the cold sensation feels good on their meat stick. Also ladies, if you deep throat him to the point of gagging, the gagging creates lots of saliva! Just a thought.

Get it Really Wet
Now that you have a nice wet mouth, get all that wetness all over his junk – and I mean all of it! Lick up and down his shaft like it’s a melting scoop of mint chip to help get him hard. Lick all over, again, I mean all over his sack and lick behind his sack. Some of you guys and gals may not be open to that area – the taint, choad, bonch, gooch, perineum – but if can get over your “near the asshole” fear, you’ll open the door to a whole new level of enjoyment. So ladies, as I was saying, hit up the area behind his balls and then once his sack is nice and wet, stay here. The phrase “mind the stepchildren” comes into play here.

Tea Bagging
To give a successful blowjob, you’ve got to tea bag him! While stroking his shaft, gently suck on his sack until the nut pops in your mouth. Once his ball is in your mouth, swirl your tongue all around it and play with it in your mouth. Go back and forth popping each nut into your mouth, going back every now and again to licking the whole sack area. I encourage starting your BJ journey here and spending a bit of time with the boys to help boost his arousal before you start bobbing (the part where you’re most likely hurting your jaw). It’s a huge erogenous zone for him and nice head start to achieving the load-blow for you.

Bobbing
The main and most important part of a blowjob is plain and simply the cock sucking. You’re lack of skill here can make or break the hummer so pay attention. Again you need to remember to keep it very wet, the wetter the better to keep everything gliding smoothly and ultimately avoiding dry rubbing. Next it’s imperative that you maintain a barrier with your lips ensuring the teeth and the dick never meet. It’s sad, all of the horror stories I’ve heard of gaps in teeth and snaggle tooths cutting up guy’s shlongs. So don’t get sloppy, ladies! Cup your lips over your teeth so your lips are the only things ever hitting the surface! Once you’ve got a wet, teeth protected mouth you are ready to chicken head that shit.

With your mouth around his unit, you want to slide your mouth up and down continuously using a nice medium suction. You always want to pay attention to his reaction to gauge what he likes best, so if you start off with a medium suction, suck a little bit harder and see if you get a moan or a pelvic jerk to let you know you’ve reached a good suction. Keep in mind bobbing is the best move to use in order to achieve orgasm, so it’s really important that you do your best not to stop and break your rhythm and loose your progress. When you stop bobbing he starts to lose all that momentum you worked on that was getting him closer to his climax. So if you must stop bobbing, remember to at least go back to the balls or give him a little hand job – just don’t keep your mouth off him too long.

Tongue Action
As you suck, your tongue should be doing something as well. A nice firm, flat tongue on the base of his penis is always good and helps make your mouth feel a lot like a vag – which is a good thing. But moving your tongue in a zig-zag formation feels good too, and when you sliding towards the top of the head, lick the V part (frenulum) on the underside of this head for a nice little tickle.

Use Your Hands
While you are bobbing, you must do something with your free hands! I wrap my right hand around his unit, specifically my thumb on the bottom and my pointer and middle finger on top and have them follow my mouth up and down, up and down. It slides in the same rhythm of my mouth as it’s giving a nice little hand job to the base as I cover as much of the top as my mouth can handle. And if I’m sitting right, usually crossed leg in between his legs, I can use my left hand to cup and gently massage his sack, so I’ve got a nice erotic hodgepodge going on in his crotch region. You may think this seems like over kill, but I promise it’s not.

Going for the Gold
As we approach 5 minutes, I know there’s gonna be some sore jaws out there, so you can start thinking about wrapping things up. Like I said ladies, feel free to give the two minute warning “you’ve got two minutes” if you feel like you need to. Sorry dudes, but I want to make sure you finish, so at least you are getting a warning instead of a girl that gives up – which some do! So ladies, as you go for the gold you should pick up the pace! Your bobbing should be faster and your suction a bit harder too. The hand on his shaft should also move faster and grip a bit harder; but remember your hand job should slide on the skin instead of pulling the skin up and down. You should be drooling uncontrollably at this point. 

As you are violently sucking him off, I really recommend simultaneously massaging his choad/taint/etc. with your fingertips to get him to come super quickly – like, really recommend it. Massaging the taint is essentially massaging his G-spot and the taint is easiest point of access. The other option is going up his a-hole about 2 inches and looking for a small nut to massage. If you happen to have a small vibrator, like a Bullet, you can wrap your hand around it and hold it in his choad area so he gets a nice vibration. Put it directly on his choad if he can handle the full throttle. It will either feel amazing or homo-like to him, so it’s up to you two to try it out. If he allows you to do this, you better start thinking about what you want to do with his load because it’s coming soon.

In your last few minutes of cock sucking, I always recommend going the extra mile, doing anything you can to drive him even more crazy. Definitely open your mouth a little wider and jam as much of his salami in your mouth as you can - I call this the Disappearing Dick Trick. That extra inch of meat you can stuff in your mouth will create and excellent visual and feels fuckin’ awesome. Also, a little dirty talk is always a nice boost. Since he is about to erupt, you need to figure out what you’re going to do with his load so now is the perfect time to tell him where you want it.  Him hearing you say it is porn to his ears. A simple “I want you to come on my tits” is enough to get any guy to nut.

Spitting or Swallowing
So we’re just about there ladies and gentlemen, and it’s time to talk about the controversial spitting, swallowing or sitting there and doing nothing. Ladies, I beg of you to step up just a little bit and not ever sit there and do nothing. If you’ve followed most of my pointers you should be very successful up to this point and you don’t want to lose your street cred’ by making him jack himself off at the end. If you don’t like to swallow, consider the second best option of having him come on you. Really, a little come on your boobies isn’t gonna hurt you, and you know, it’s said that semen is a great anti-aging agent. Really, Cleopatra used to bath in it! And if you’re just really super opposed to swallowing but still really want to leave a lasting impression, the just-as-good alternative is having him jizz on your face. Yes, degrading, I know…but a powerful closer!

Mastering the Swallow
For my strong, take-one-for-the-team type ladies that swallow – good for you! You are part of the few and elite that know that an amazing blowjob ends with you swallowing his manhood. I’ve always understood that guys love it so freakin’ much, so I’ve always done it to be the best that I can be – but that’s just the perfectionist in me. Now don’t get me wrong, that shit tastes nasty, but over the years I’ve learned to master the swallow to a point that I don’t even taste it anymore. So if the taste is the deterrent for you ladies, follow these few simple tips. As you are violently sucking him to his climax, pay attention for the signs that point to him coming. His moans get loader, he yells, “I’m gonna come,” or my cue is when the penis starts to kick. Once you feel the kick in your mouth, that means he’s about to jizz. What you want to do is stop bobbing up and down and keep the penis in the back of your mouth while your hand continues the jacking off motion; your head will be stationary. Keeping the penis to the very back of your mouth, suck his load back while not allowing the come touch any part of your tongue except the back. Once he’s done, without breathing through your nose, suck back hard as you let his peen slide out of your mouth and immediately swallow his load like it’s a shot.  And voila! You should be golden and shouldn’t have the horrible warm Clorox experience I had back in ’96.

So there you have it. That is what you call a blowjob. That is exactly how I give a blowjob and “60% of the time it works every time.” I hope all of you guys got a boner just reading this, and I hope you ladies feel like this is something you can do! Guys, if you like what you read, feel free to send your ladies my way! For those of you ladies that are more visual learners, you can sign up for my blowjob workshop and you and a group of your lady friends can master fellatio together. Our blowjob school comes to you and we apply all of these tips using hands-on training with cucumbers (cocks) and water balloons (balls). At the party you will also learn additional tips like fun “bells and whistles” that make blowjobs more exciting, different and enjoyable. A couple of my favorite fun tricks are delicious fruit-rollups on his dinger or blowjob pop rocks – so yum. Another awesome oral sex trick is Miracle Fruit tablets that turn anything sour tasting into a sweet taste. It’s like giving futurist/scientific head where spunk tastes like candy!

My Blow by Blow parties are tons of fun and great for all levels. And get this, ladies… you’ll leave with a certificate proving you are certified in cock sucking! For more information visit our website www.blowbyblowparty.com and don’t forget to Like us on Facebook to help perpetuate blowjob education!

P.S. Editor's Note: Whether you're a girl or a guy reading the above article, here's a cool site to see what girls look like around the world and what they're like, http://www.girlsonamap.com/. If you like reading material to find out tactics guys use to score with a woman in a funny, well-written book, check out "Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World" -- available on Amazon here. It's got really good reviews!

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10 comments :

  1. this is awesome. great job sasha! Sadly, i think the image of you giving teen kevin a bj is etched in my memory now forever.

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  2. I know! Seeing my own O face makes me want to vomit...

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  3. Lamb shanks! Don't worry Kev, I didn't see your O face because your straight Asian hairs poked me in the eyes and I couldn't see jack.

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  4. Ahhh, yes, this was a time before trimming the hedges was a standard for all... I was so naive with my ball funk and prickly pubes.

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  5. Sasha, perhaps it's time to revisit the playing fields of yore and see how both your's & Kevin's "skills" have evolved.

    Just sayin?!?!?!?

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  6. Sasha is now happily married, and judging by this post... the other "member" is MORE happily married! But thanks for your virtual attempt at hooking me up.

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  7. Haha! This was such a good read! I loved how you're the take-one-for-the-team kinda girls. And for me, out of all the tips - enthusiasm is KEY!

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  8. How should i incorporate my tongue ring into the mix? i have a fear of stabbing him in the dick....

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  9. Great read. Good advice.. Gotta love giving a bj.

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