Guest Post: Breaking Down the Back-Door Myth

SVB Foreword: 

In my history, I've had anal sex three times. There was a lot of alcohol, dirty words exchanged, some lube, some hair pulling, some screaming, and some slight embarrassment afterwards. It wasn't all that bad. When the older kids were done with me, they urinated on me and went about their business. You never forget your first time. Or second. Or third. 

Below is a guest post from the editor of Register Magazine, Alanna Bentley. I will be a contributing columnist in the upcoming issue of her magazine, so I thought it best I would kiss her ass here and tell her what a big fan I am. But, seriously, her post is nothing short of hilarious. 


By Alanna Bentley

If a woman were to ever say to you, "I would love nothing more than to jam a seven-inch rod up your back end," chances are you either killed her cat or slept with her sister. You would've had to do something pretty egregious for her to want to cause you intolerable pain. There would be no other reason behind such a violent act other than the cruel pleasure of seeing you suffer. At that point you know she hates you.

She's not going to sugar-coat it by telling you most straight guys actually don't mind this - prefer it, in fact! She won't keep subtly, but incessantly, bringing it up as something you should try because you "just might like it." In the throes of lust she won't try to be sly and slip it in thinking you won't notice the painful tearing or the sudden urge to take a fat, steaming dump on the bed (yes, that's what it feels like). And when all else fails she won't resort to petty mind tricks by telling you it's usually just the "younger" guys who are down for it anyway.

Legend has it there are breeds of the female homosapien in Orlando who, to this day, engage in the act of anal coitus. These bed-time stories are told over and over again by men (not women, mind you) who weave tall tales of seeing this with their own eyes. Mercifully, they leave out the details but the story is always the same. The heroine is a perky model-slash-actress of 21 years of age - maybe 22 but NEVER older than 23 - who spots a physically acceptable man gazing at her from across the way ("gazing" meaning "leering" and "the way" meaning "bar") ("physically acceptable" meaning she's been to three other bars that night and in her drunken haze realizes he might just be as good as it physically gets so she'll at least see if he'll pay for a few drinks).

As the legend goes, the man seduces her with sweet words of financial success (his own, preferably) and the make and model of his chariot, then showers her with gifts of vodka cranberry having already decided she would be the one. For that night, anyway. Unless the other girl returns his text in the next 20 minutes.

Later that night the man swoops the damsel off her feet and onto her knees where she asks - no, BEGS - to engage in an act that until 2003 was illegal in 10 states, Puerto Rico, and the military (punishable by life in prison in Idaho. Google it.). Apparently sodomy is how she always wanted her knight in shining armor to demonstrate his love and respect for her. She reciprocates the affection by leaving when it's over and not waking him up. The End.

The moral of the story is men are masters of myths when it comes to sex. No woman in the history of mankind has ever met another woman who raved about the pleasures of back door fornication. She may admit she's tried it, maybe more than once, but she will never describe it as the ultimate orgasmic experience. There are no women born with defects that cause their G-spot to be located in their anal canal. You may think she loves it judging by the involuntary cries coming from her mouth, but that's only because men have a harder time distinguishing between the sounds of pain and pleasure. Or, more likely, you simply don't care about the difference. Either way, just because we don't want to jam a foreign object through the back door of our temple does not mean we're missing out on some kind of existential life experience, so stop trying to convince us otherwise!

Writer's note: women in pornos are paid to look like they enjoy it, just like the men are paid to look like they enjoy the two-men-one-woman type of threesome.

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5 comments :

  1. Pure poppycock. Clearly said author is not appropriately acquainted with the annals of brown starfish love. I hereby request further supporting evidence as to the validity of the subjects experience. Full disclose is afforded to the public via the Freedom of Information Act and requires firsthand reference accounts and/or supporting documentation in the form of video or still photo. Respectfully awaiting your reply....

    Sincerely,

    A fellow, former, SVB guest poster

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  2. I cannot say that I've ever had a post as clearly divided along gender lines. Several MALES have messaged me, saying the author is full of mularkey.

    Any females out there willing to say she loves it in the pooper?

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  3. I've dabbled off and on in the taboo act of backdoor lovin. Most attempts were traumatizing, but some (a few) were amazing. In my experience, the butt-prober must be very talented and usually medically trained in some way. It takes detailed knowledge about how the human body functions for a man to trully know how to please a woman every time. Don't give up anal hope yet girls, just start hanging out around medical schools and hospitals and you'll eventually meet a real miracle worker.

    Sincerely,
    buttsmutt Girl

    ReplyDelete
  4. I actually love anal play... from toys and fingers to the big mamba. But it has to be done right, with patience and a lot of lube. If guys don't know what they're doing, it will be traumatizing for the women and very painful. You can't just jam it in and expect it to feel good. That's just common sense. You have to work at loosening it up with fingers or toys... and lots of lube. This should be done slowly... and then you work up to the real deal. Getting the head it can be the trickiest part because it has the biggest circumference, but once you get past that you reach this point where it just slides in and feels amazing. The woman also has to be very relaxed (try some wine or alcohol to help). If the woman is convinced it is going to be painful, it will, simply because they cannot relax their body enough to open up. Once you've loosened up, it actually feels amazing. The anal area is very rich in nerve endings and can be a very pleasurable experience. Anal orgasms are powerful. When I work my clit during anal and I cum, the orgasm definitely feels different than if I was just having clit stimulation or a g-spot orgasm. It feels stronger, more intense, and like more of a full-body orgasm, rather than one primarily centered between my legs.

    To each their own, but I wish every woman could find a man who could do it right, because in the wrong hands I can see how women might wonder what's the big deal or not want to ever try it again. But for those willing to open their horizons and learn about it, I suggest to look up information on "how to" with their partner and start experimenting. I'm so glad I did and had an open mind, because now I love it.

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  5. I think the two anonymous comments above were actually written by men.

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