First Date Sex: Rules of Engagement


By now I am an expert on first date sex. My own calculations have my impressive exploits tabbed anywhere between 1... and 2 experiences with sex on first dates. The first one was a special one for me. It's also the one where I lost my virginity. I'll never forget it. I was 12. I was walking by the baseball diamond at a nearby high school, when several older boys pushed me down behind some bleachers and had their way with me. Through tear-filled eyes I remember watching the setting sun and humming Sesame Street tunes to myself. Ahhh, you'll never forget your first time.... Anyhow, after they urinated on me, they walked away as I yelled out: "call me!!!" Guess what? They never did. That's the moral of the story. This is a serious story with serious consequences.

I have a secret for the ladies - first, never walk by baseball diamonds after school as it's getting dark, and, secondly, if you like a guy, don't have sex with him on the first date. Probably not the second or third either, but I hesitate to say this, because I don't want to make this any harder on myself. But, for all the women in my lifetime that I have seduced into sleeping with me on a first date, I treated them like objects afterwards. I can't say I blame these women for sleeping with me - I'm pretty damn irresistible. Never has one person possessed as much dance skills, vocal singing range, good looks, height, and sexual prowess as myself. It's damn near embarrassing to go out in public because of how humble I am. I hate it that guy's girlfriends and wives give me the "I'd-f*ck-the-sh*t-out-of-you" look on an almost daily basis. I have to ugly myself up a little out of respect for the bros.

For you single ladies, just know that I have never dated someone for an extended period of time or made someone my girlfriend who had sex with me on the first date. First off, I seriously have to question anyone's decision-making skills and intelligence for going out on a date with me in the first place. If you have sex with me on that first date!?! I have to assume that you are a complete and utter moron and maybe your mother smoked crack while you were in the womb. I'm not hating. Sometimes guys and girls have needs and they just want to do it. Cool. No double standards here. BUT, if you really like a guy, don't DO it! Hold off. Make him work. See if he really likes you. Let him know that he has to take the cow out to the pasture daily before getting some Kobe beef. And believe me, I like the Kobe, the T-Bone, the New York, the Sirloin.... but, all the girls who made me wait, it made me think: "This girl doesn't just give it up to everyone." IT'S special and she must be special. It's a great filtration process. It allows you to see who's going to stick around and who was just lookin' to make kebobs out of you.

Is anyone else getting hungry? For the layman, meat = vagina. Sometimes, meat > vagina. Especially with some A-1 sauce! Yuuuummmy!

In my previous post, I wrote about things that guys do when they're "playing" you. Read it. Stay immune to it. Unless those words are coming straight out of the SVB's mouth. At that point, just go with it.... Believe everything he says and look into his dreamy eyes while falling into a transe listening to his James Earl Jones-like voice. When all of a sudden you find yourself naked on a lion-skin carpet stroking my luscious v of hair going through my chest pubes down to my ball fro, just hum yourself The Reading Rainbow theme song and it'll all be over soon.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

P.S. Now there are some exceptions to this first date sex rule. If you've known the person for awhile or through friends, then all bets are off. Go and screw your brains out and thank me in the morning. Don't forget to order her favorite dish from Zanzibar...

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1 comment :

  1. I’m impressed, I must say. Rarely do I discover a blog that’s both educative and entertaining, and let me tell you, you have hit the nail on the head. Your thoughts are outstanding

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