The F*ck You Holiday Card - Love, The SVB
Every Christmas season - like clockwork - I get my usual flood of holiday greeting cards from my most cherished friends. The cards feature such splendid things like happiness, smiling, kissing, babies, dogs, cats, and far-off vacation destinations. What evil person DOESN'T like these things!?!? It gives you the obvious impression that domestic life is smug, content, warm, amazing, and above all, fulfilling. I've got five words for you: You can kiss my motherf*CKING ASS! (Six words, actually)
You think a single person wants to see everything that he's missing out on in life!?!? You don't think that all of society already views us as social outcasts? Now we need a daily reminder of what joy looks like? When people hear that you're over 30 and single, they look at you with pity as if you have terminal cancer, "don't worry, you'll beat this..." And then they move on to go talk to their couple friends because "we" have nothing in common.
To make matters worse, I keep all of my holiday greeting cards on my fridge and NEVER take them down. I like to torture myself. So not only do I have to see all your stupid smiling faces every time I go to get something to eat, but then I have the added bonus of seeing how pathetic a single person's refrigerator looks: a half-empty bottle of Gatorade, Coors Light, A-1 Sauce, a Pizza Box with one and half slices of pizza in it, and a random apple to balance out the food groups. Sometimes I go to my couple friend's houses just to look inside their refrigerator. It's like heaven. Leftovers from the homemade lasagna from the night before. Fresh vegetables. Several varieties of lunch meat with your choice of swiss, american, or cheddar cheese and how about that on focaccia bread? No problem.
It hurts. I look at that sight of a filled fridge and I get choked up. That's gotta be the best part of married life...
When I go to the supermarket, it's embarrassing asking if they sell hamburger buns individually. They don't sell anything individually! When I buy something, I know that's what I'm going to be eating ALL week. "Oh, this week I'm eating hamburgers. They only sell buns and ground beef patties in packages of four. Don't worry, next week I'm going to eat spaghetti." I mean, how sad would it be for me to pour out 1/4 of the bottle of ragu, cut off an 1/8 of ground beef, and take out 20 strands of noodles to boil, and then wrap everything up and store it for later? But I'll drink that entire bottle of red wine, oh yes I will.
If you ask me, married couples should make two cards; one for their other married friends to make them jealous, and one for their single friends that shows the couple arguing over who left the milk out, the husband ignoring his wife because football is on, and the couple watching another d*mn movie - because that's what couples do.
In the meantime, I have made my own holiday card of the last year to show you all the things you don't get to do anymore. Spur of the moment trip to the Winter Olympics? Why not! Australia next week? Let's do it! Running of the Bulls? Blackjack in Monaco? Salsa dancing in Puerto Rico? Check. Do I know where I'm going to be tomorrow? No. Do I know who I'm going to wake up with each morning? No. But you do. Everyday for the rest of your d*mn lives. B*TCHES!
P.S. Don't tell my Mom I used profanity. When you put this "*" in it - it makes it okay. Like saying "darn," "poop," and "shoot." Also, just because I'm perpetually single, doesn't mean I don't want to at least be INVITED to your stupid couple's parties. I promise I won't bring a stripper next time...