Secrets of "Banging a Girl" on the First Date: Interview with a Sexual Closer, Part 2

Today, I continue with Part 2 of the interview with "Alan Parsons" - in case you didn't know this was part 2 from the title of the post. If you failed to catch Part 1, you can do so by clicking here. But, I highly recommend you visit another site if you wish to be even mildly entertained. Reading my blog has been proven to make people dumber.

Very well, let us continue.

Kevin: "Nah, man... I'm cutting onions... for onion soup. Umm, let's backtrack a little towards once they're in your house. You make them a drink, I assume, and then do you go straight in for the kill? What happens to break that level of casual interaction and go into physical lusting?"

Alan: "Most of the time, they make the first move."

Kevin: "BULLSH*T! I don't believe you!! Errr, I mean, that sounds very unlikely to happen. Um, tell me how does one reach such God-like status?"

Alan: "Well, by this point, they've already had a few drinks in them. If they came and met up with me, and then came up to my condo, they pretty much probably already made up their mind. So, because I act like I really don't care, they usually get restless and will make the first move."

Kevin: "Like what?"

Alan: "Like, tell me to come over to them when I'm sitting on the other side of the couch. Or they'll come over towards me and put their hand on my knee or on my shoulder, which makes it a pretty open invitation to move onto some petting or a kiss."

Kevin: "Okay, so there’s got to be some times where you get a girl home, you have a few drinks, but she ends up, say, slapping you, not that that's ever happened to me, or saying ‘I would never sleep with you in a million years, even if you were the last person on earth - you vile, disgusting bachelor-blogging pig!’ – hypothetically speaking."

Alan: "Well, no one has ever said that to me, but there are times where a girl will give you the 'no, I shouldn't do this'-type thing. Or the 'you're not going to call me tomorrow,' or 'I normally don't do this kind of thing' - which is all B.S."

Kevin: "Can I tell them I love them?"

Alan: "No."

Kevin: "But sometimes I feel like I really do love them when I am borderline blacked-out drunk."

Alan: "Yes. I know this. You have told ME you loved me many times before. Stop it."

Kevin: "Okay. So what do you say or do, once they tell you they shouldn't or express reservations?"

Alan: "At this point, they normally have a fair amount of clothes off and there's been some heavy kissing and petting. I will assure them that I want to see them again, which is the truth, just not in a relationship - but I'll leave that part out. I'll also finger them in a way that makes them really want to 'bang'."


Whoa. This part just went from PG to Rated R. Let me take a moment to advise my readers to stop reading or face the repercussions. Even for myself, this type of talk makes ME queasy...................................................... Okay, that should be enough time for the faint of heart to leave this site. For all you disgusting perverts that stuck around..... how YOU doin? We should meet up for drinks sometime...


Kevin: "Okay. Tell me about this fingering method."

Alan: "Well, I was really, really fortunate. My first long-term girlfriend basically taught me how to do everything. A lot of girls are shy and won't tell you how they like things, but she basically showed me how she liked to masturbate. Essentially, I will barely put my finger in her vagina, where it's wet, then pull it out and find the clitoris and I will rub above it or on top in a circular, light motion. I think a lot of guys make the mistake of pressing too hard and violently. The clitoris has a lot of nerve endings and is very sensitive, similar to the penis and you don't really have to press too hard. If you do it lightly and consistently, this will get her wet and want you more."

Kevin: Long pause.

"What's a clitoris? Is that like a... band or something?"

Alan: Longer pause.

Click.

Dial-tone.


I was just kidding with him. Of course I know what the "clitoris" is. And kids, remember, if you don't wear a condom, you too could get the clitoris.

Well ladies, I am now open for business. Please email me at SVBachelor@gmail.com before my calendar fills up! I now know exactly what to do next time you slap me in my face.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

Secrets of "Banging a Girl" on the First Date: Interview with a Sexual Closer, Part 1

I have a friend who is quite possibly one of the best closers I know. If this were baseball, he would be Eric Gagne in 2003. I would say Mariano Rivera, but he hasn't shown the durability and consistency that would warrant that comparison. But for the last year or so, there has not been one girl that I have asked him about, that he's met, that he hasn't gone home and closed the deal with. I am seriously amazed. I thought this warranted an interview so that I may share the secrets of his good fortune - not that I need it... but it may help you guys (and gals).

Almost every girl I've asked him about, the conversation goes a little something like this:

Kevin: "Hey, what happened to that one girl you met at 330 Ritch the other night?"

Friend: "I met up with her on Monday and I banged her."

"Banged her" is his words, not mine. I would never say something like that. First of all, because I'm far too classy, but secondly, I would have no reason to - most of my dates end with a slap in the face and then me going home and weeping softly into my pillow.

Friend: "Hey, how did things end up with that one drunk, fat girl you met?"

Kevin: "Oh, she slapped me as soon as we got in the taxi and went home."

Friend: "Again!?!? Maybe you shouldn't try to move from dugout to 3rd base so quick."

Kevin: "Hold on... slow down so that I can write this down on my hand."

My friend, obviously, has chosen to remain anonymous. From here on out, I shall now refer to him as Alan Parsons. Not only is Alan skillfully adept at closing the deal in one night, he also is highly skilled at virtual communication. Many of the women he takes out, he never calls them once before meeting up. I asked him about the key to text message egagement, Facebooking, physical posturing, mentality, and (parental guidance suggested) sexual moves. (I highly recommend anyone under the age of 18 not read the last section, as well as any of my family members, because I'll feel awkward next time I see you.) Anyhow, here are excerpts of our conversation.

Kevin: "Alan, do you have time for the interview tonight?"

Alan: "No."

Sincerely,
Kevin
The Silicon Valley Bachelor




Haha, just kidding.

Kevin: "So, right off the bat, what's the key to your success?"

Alan: "Well, first off, I only get numbers of girls that I can tell are interested."

Kevin: "What the hell is that supposed to mean!??! Are you saying the girls I hit on aren't interested in me?! - You dirty sonofab*tch!!!!"

Click.

Two minutes later.

Kevin: "Hey man, sorry about that earlier. I overreacted. You want to continue with the interview?"

Alan: "Sure. Whatever."

Kevin: "Okay, so you get the number. How long do you wait to text her?"

Alan: "Probably a couple of days."

Kevin: "What do you text her?"

Alan: "I'll write something like, 'it was nice meeting you at (blank)' and I'll try and mention or reference something we talked about that night so she won't think I was some drunk."

Kevin: "D*mn. I gotta remember something from what she's saying? No wonder...."

Alan: "If she texts back, then I'm pretty much golden."

Kevin: "So I can't text her, 'hey, I think I met you last night. Did we makeout? BTW, how much do you weigh?'"

Alan: (Long pause) "No."

Kevin: "OK. Back to you. What if she only texts back, 'nice meeting you too'? How do you keep the conversation going if she gives you nothing to work with?"

Alan: "I'll just text her other questions about things we talked about."

Kevin: "Do you add them on Facebook at anytime during this text exchange?"

Alan: "Typically at some point, they'll add me. They'll ask, 'are you on Facebook' or something like that and I will add them."

Kevin: "OK, how do you go from texts and Facebook to a physical meeting?"

Alan: "Well, I will almost never take a girl out to eat. It'll always be to meet up for drinks."

Kevin: "Nice. Saving money. So, from there, what happens next?"

Alan: "There's a lot of ways to tell if a girl's interested in you. And the fact that she's out meeting up with you for drinks without any of her girlfriends is a good indicator. One of the ways to further engage, is to make a joke, or share a laugh and then touch her back or her knee. This will kind of let you know by whether she shies away or draws herself even closer."

Kevin: "What is your body position like at this point? Are you leaning into her? Neutral?"

Alan: "Well, I start off pretty neutral. I think one key that allows me to hook up with these girls is that I really don't care. That indifference makes them more attracted to me."

Kevin: "Wow, you have a lot of humility. Please, talk more candidly. We're amongst friends. Why don't you care?"

Alan: "I really don't want a relationship, because I was in such a long-term relationship before. Also, if this girl doesn't work out, I have several other girls that I'm texting with at the same time."

Kevin: "Well after you hookup - how do you keep them from not wanting a relationship?"

Alan: "Well, I have a silver bullet in my back pocket."

Kevin: "You keep a Coors Light back there?! How does that help?"

Alan: "I can pull out the 'I was in a relationship for several years and I don't have the emotional capability to be in a relationship right now'-card."

Kevin: "Oh man, I've heard that one plenty of times... I mean, I've USED that line plenty of times. Thanks for that."

Alan: "By saying this, it's the truth, and it keeps things simple with these women and sets the boundaries that I'm only looking to hook-up with no strings attached.... Are you crying?!?"

Kevin: "Nah, man... I'm cutting onions... for onion soup. Umm, let's backtrack a little towards once they're in your house. You make them a drink, I assume, and then do you go straight in for the kill? What happens to break that level of casual interaction and go into physical lusting?"

This post is getting too long - stay tuned for Part 2, where Alan tells us how he gets a wavering girl to go all the way. Plus, we find out what the "vagina" is!

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The SVB

Silicon Valley Bachelor For Life?

In writing Silicon Valley Bachelor, I take tremendous liberties with my persona, which may quite possibly damage my reputation beyond repair. If I were to go into a respectable job, I would assume someone would have to think twice before hiring such a loud-mouthed, opinionated, arrogant, hysterically funny, and distractingly handsome stallion of a man. The same goes for a relationship.

In what I write, I have no regrets. But what I write, does not define me. I make the SVB - the SVB doesn’t make me. While the vast majority of my writing is based on the interests of bachelors, worldwide, the vast majority of my interest lies in finding one woman for the rest of my life. Who knows? I may have already found her… but I’ll keep you guessing.

Everything I write about is factual – except for the parts where people find me attractive and like me – and that is what makes Silicon Valley Bachelor fun to read. (Occasionally). Some of my musings come from recent situations; others come from long-ago drunken puke-fests. But regardless of whether I am single or attached, I’ll always have a lifetime of thoughts on bachelorhood that will keep this website alive. (You haven’t even heard the best of them!)

I’ve lived my life hard and I’ll continue to do it with whatever life situation is in front of me. As a bachelor, I’ve embraced every waking moment of it. In relationships, I’ve loved until it hurts. In puking, I’ve projectiled until passing out. Half-ass is not in my vocabulary.

I love writing, but I’d be lying if I said I did it all for me. I do it to entertain – to make people laugh and to encourage emotions that make us all so human. Maybe one day I’ll make you cry, make you mad, or make you scream (most likely never in the bedroom), but I’ll be doing it as real personalities of me and I'll do it on my terms.

Silicon Valley Bachelor has never been who I am; it’s been one aspect of my personality. I make the SVB, just like I make my life each day. One day, God-willing, I’ll be the Silicon Valley Husband and I’d like to think I can do it just as well as I’ve done bachelorhood.

There’s a great saying by fashion models everywhere, whom I believe are the smartest people on earth, and it goes: "you wear the clothes, don’t let the clothes wear you." You can apply that to life in more ways than one.

Sincerely,
Kevin
The SVB

P.S. I don’t have to be the Silicon Valley Husband – Buenos Aires Husband or Mykonos Husband has a nice ring to it as well. Is Teresa Heinz-Kerry still married to that putz? Can John Kerry do Clark Kent as well as me? Eat your heart out!