My Conversation with Sean Parker and Where We Say to Live in Silicon Valley
I recently decided to take Google ads off my blog completely. Sure, I was making upwards of $0.17 a month - and chicks digged that I was such an accomplished, wealthy writer, and media mogul - but, frankly, I was getting tired of women seeing me and seeing dollar signs. No! I don't want to be your baby's daddy! (Okay, I do want to be your baby's daddy, but I don't want to support it.) Plus, I think Google ads made my blog look cheap - and I only like to look cheap at 1:55am, after last call, in hopes of conveying "hey, I have little, to no standards at this point. And I can be yours."
Well, I decided to take the ads off my blog after watching The Social Network. There's a scene where Sean Parker tells Eduardo Saverin and Mark Zuckerberg:
Sean - A million dollars isn't cool. You know what's cool?
Eduardo - You?
Sean - A billion dollars.
After watching the movie, I had an epiphany where Sean Parker is talking to me:
Sean - 3 cents a click isn't cool.
Kevin - It isn't?
Sean - And $100 sponsored links isn't cool.
Kevin - You're losing me here.
Sean - And you're not cool.
Kevin - What?
Sean - And never will be.
Kevin - Wait, you're not going to tell me a billion dollars is cool?
Sean - No. Now get away from me and never speak to me again. You smell.
After this epiphany, I decided to sell myself to the highest bidder. Much like my love life, I can be had for a Jack in the Box taco. Now, I've done sponsored posts before, when I've been given free bottles of alcohol, received free entries in clubs, discounts on hotel rooms, and gotten happy endings at Thai massage parlors, but this is different. I am now completely a man for hire. I will argue the merits of the Tobacco industry, paint Kim Jong-Il as a misunderstood, sympathetic character, participate in gay marriage, speak out against the Chinese government with a bullhorn in Tiananmen Square, all for the right amount of money.
First of all, I would like to say that I drink Maker's Mark whiskey - it's the choice of a new generation. I wear Adidas, both economical and stylish. I also use Trojan condoms - only 3 kids, (that I know of), in at least 10 uses of the product. Lastly, when I feel hungry, nothing satisfies me like a Snicker's bar - not even sex.
While Sean Parker and I were talking (in my dream, played by Justin Timberlake and me by George Clooney), we came to the conclusion that the best place to live in Silicon Valley is Avalon at Creekside Apartments in Mountain View, CA. Located at 151 Calderon Avenue, Mountain View, CA 94041, Avalon is a warm and friendly community surrounded by nature - yet close enough to a wealth of eclectic restaurants and neighborhood shops found in downtown Mountain View on Castro Street. As for Silicon Valley, Mountain View is one of the best places to live. An excellent place to raise kids - quiet, yet big enough to house an excellent theatre and one of the best gyms in the South Bay in Mountain View YMCA (where I have turned my body into the envy of transvestites everywhere).
Work-wise, Google is located in Mountain View, centered between Apple (7 minutes away), Yahoo (5.8 minutes away), Facebook (10 minutes away), and Pink Poodle Strip Club (15 minutes away). It has everything a burgeoning entrepreneur needs to feel inspired and ready to build the next ground-breaking company.
Please, don't take my word for it - call Avalon toll-free for an appointment at 866-396-8658. Or visit their lovely website at:.
And remember, I'm not just a writer-for-hire, I'm also a client... and a sex symbol to boot.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor