The Silicon Valley Bachelor Diet: 60% of the Time it Works Every Time

A lot of people ask me what I do to stay in such peak physical condition. They tell me that I have such an amazingly strong physique, such large pectorals, ripped biceps and incredibly chiseled abs for someone who seems to be gone all the time traveling. “This is true. I am a fine specimen” I tell them, but besides being blessed genetically, there are few things they (and you) can do to look as good as me. (Well, relatively speaking.)

First, if you sleep 11 to 12 hours of each day, you’ve cut down possible windows of eating opportunities from 16 hours to 12. Yes, there are many times where I lay in bed and my stomach grumbles uncontrollably and I want to pee like nobody’s business, but the desire for uninterrupted sleep trumps those two annoyances. Secondly, on days that end with ‘Y’, I like to start myself off with a cocktail and yell ‘mazel tov!’ I do this because if I started off my day with food, it would mean I waste more alcohol trying to get my buzz on. And, plus, I like that scene in Wedding Crashers when Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson yell ‘mazel tov!’ at the Jewish wedding. I sit there and think about that scene and imagine myself in it. (I have lots of free time on my hands.)

After 3 or 4 adult beverages, I’m largely not that hungry anymore; my stomach is filled with liquid and I am busy dancing naked in the mirror. I am a good dancer when intoxicated. I wish I had Dance Dance Revolution at home. I would probably set records and brag to my friends on Facebook. When I get winded, at around 6pm, after being up for a few hours, I normally break out a bowl of cereal. I go for any kind that states on the box that they have vitamins and nutritious content, because so few cereals do this. Then, I pour the milk, add vodka and Kahlua, and viola! A White Russian bowl of cereal! Sometimes if I’m running short on milk, I’ll bring my own box of Kellog’s Corn Pops and go to the neighborhood bar, order a White Russian and a spoon and happily pour my Corn Pops into my highball glass. I gotta have my Pops….

Next, I drink for pretty much the rest of the day and then reward myself at 4am with either Chef Boyardee (Beef Ravioli – now with 75% more meat – or Beefaroni) and/or Jack in the Box (2 tacos, Jumbo Jack w/cheese, and Chicken Sandwich). Both meals come in well under $4. Who knew the SVB was so good with finances?!!? Ehhh, ladies? Call me….

But, eating well isn’t the only part of my diet that makes me so ripped. I laugh a lot. Particularly when I am playing one-on-one flip cup against myself in the mirror. I never win for some reason, but I have fun trying. I also laugh at my own writing. I just giggle and giggle until my insides hurt and pass out, dreaming about which lucky girl will get to snag me.

And that, my envious friends, is how you can try and look as good as me. It’s never really tedious, except sleeping that much means I run out of dreams. I swear I have the same dreams all the time. I wish I had a broader imagination – I’m often bored in my dreams.

Sincerely,
Kevin L.
The Silicon Valley Bachelor

P.S. Oh, and somewhat unimportantly, I work out with weights 3 times a week and play basketball 2 days a week… but who knows if that helps.

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